Hoping

I suddenly find myself looking at nothingness wondering how all of my problems will be solved. I still have not idea and what is keeping me from giving up is a promise that I believe deep in my heart. I do not really expect people to agree with me but at this point in my life that is all what I have. I promised myself that I will give it all I've got... I will get through this... I will...

My Blessed Assurance

Today is like the lowest time of my life. I wanted to cry because of al the things that are happening. I do not want to go into details as this would cause me more trouble I will just have to realease my feelings without really discussing the reason why I am feeling such.

In New Year's Eve, I attended church at CCF at the back of SM Megamall. I do not remember anymore the last time I was there and the church itself changed a lot from the last time I saw it. I always look forward to the message in this church because more often I am able to gather a thing or two that applies to my life, this time was no exception. You see, I have always believed that life is fair, I mean inasmuch as many disagree with that perception I have experienced so much already in my life that lead me to believe that it is true. But last New Year's Eve, Vince Burke (the preacher) introduced to me a new idea. He said that according to the Bible, life is not fair. He said that if life is fair then we all go to die in Hell because we are all sinners. The new idea was that by the Grace of God, we actually get more than we deserve. Well, that was a major leap from my original belief system and no matter how I try not to believe it, it seems true and due to the things that are happening in my life right now, that just might be true.

Oftentimes, at the point when we have become so comfortable with our lives, it is shaken. That is how I consider my life now. My year began with the biggest frustration I have experienced since the time I was discharged 6 years ago. I will never claim that I am the perfect cadet. I had my share of laxities, stupidity and other bad things that I did, but I can confidently say that I am never bad. I can honestly say, in all conviction, that I have tried my best to be worthy of my place here. And so at the point when I thought everything was going well, I am shaken. I am shaken because everything that I do has an effect in the larger society that I exist upon which I do not have control. No matter how honest and noble my intentions are, there will never be an assurance that all will be well as in my case now. In my soul searching, as I try to contemplate with my present problem, I am amazed that I can find so much energy and faith in myself even if the odds are not in my favor. I am misty eyed that although the very things that I value the most are threatened, I can still face my problems with pride armed with a sense of peace that I never intended to harm anyone. I am glad that at a time when things are not looking up, I will have the opportunity to practice my faith and accept that things will not be in my terms but will be part of God's plan for me. I have come to realize that all the heartaches I have had, the circumstances taht I went through were all part of preparing me for this day. I know that my faith will be my weapon and that God will be my protector. When everything has settled down, however this one ends up, I know that I will come out a winner... as God promised I will get MORE than what I deserve. I hope that people will pray for me.

A New Year thought

Tonight, I will be going back to Baguio ending my Christmas Break. By Wednesdsay, I will be back in my cadet uniforms and life will go back to normal again waiting for the next break come graduation week. Life does fly so fast and in my state of nostalgia right now, all I can do is to be reminiscent of the things and somehow try to assess what has happened to me as a person in the past year or years if possible.

My vacation this Christmas was filled with meeting people and talking about topics that I like to talk about the most. For most of these people that I had so much fun chatting with, they were those who got curious about my personality thinking that mine is a contradiction to the expected behaviour of a typical cadet. That could be a good thing because it allowed me to enjoy free dinner and free coffee, on top of that I get to have a glimpse of the differences in people's personality. I am able to learn more about people and help me improve in understanding them. I discovered that people can teach us so many things it is just a matter of being sensitive and observant. I also learned that to be really honest will entail some kind of risk on being liked but in the end those that will remain your friends are definitely the ones who has accepted you for who you really are.

My life also has took a sudden turn in the love arena. The other day, while travelling from Novaliches going to Makati, Daddy asked me about this topic. Not that he was preying on my affairs, it was a natural question since unlike most of my other siblings, I have not been introducing to them or telling them about the romantic interests of my life. I can just laugh at my father, but I know that he was concerned, not that it was something to be concerned about, he was really just feeling that he's getting old and would love to see us well taken cared of. And so in most of the time that I was by myself or while I hate the fact that Clark Kent can not trust Lana Lang that she will accept him (I did a marathon of the Smallville Series), thoughts of my status in that area wallows inside my head while I try my best not to entertain the thought much. Well, something is happening and I completely have no idea how its going to be. I guess to really give it entails that I have to feel the sense of uncertainty and every time I have time for myself that uncertainty lingers in my head.

You see, its really not that easy to be so ideal about this love thing. Some people have said that I can be so good at rationalizing the whole romance thing but I have to admit that its far from practicing it. I always claim that when I start to feel something, my reason is clouded and just like all human beings I go on auto mode. About a few days after I went back from Lipa, a thought haunted me. I came home sometime before midnight and was not able to sleep until early in the morning. The thought was about really loving unconditionally. For some reason, I kind of felt that to love is to love unconditionally and that to be reciprocated for it is a Grace from God. I felt that if I was to become very cautious, I do not allow God to work on this area of my life. And so I decided to say my feelings all out. It wasn't some fancy plan, I just want to tell her how it really is. Now, I wonder how its going to be. Although I pray to God that what I want will happen, I still accept that it will never be in my terms. Maybe in time I'll be more comfortable with that reality.

And so a new year begins. I am beginning to feel the change in me through the years. Life is becoming more and more daunting as it reveal its more serious aspect each day. The childish things that I use to dwell so much before is leaving me and I could see how the change is making me a totally different person. But then again, I am confident that life will be according to a plan that has a deep sense of purpose to make me a better person. I am embracing the future, remembering the past, guided by its lessons and looking forward to the unknown that lies ahead. The adventure is getting better and better.... Happy New year everyone!!!

The thing that changed

It is hard when there are just so many thoughts inside your head. The moment this window appeared, all of those ideas seems to race out of my head all wanting a piece of the space intended for this blog entry. Something has happened inside me and I am just about to describe it.

A person that I truly care about has always commented in my being spontaneous. I have always believed that following my heart was the way to do things even if I do not understand why I do it. Last December 23, while I was sharing pizza and some pasta with a very good friend, we were talking about whether or not I was in love. Yes, the love topic is back in my system. She was telling me that if I really wasn't in love, why is it that I am devoting so much time and effort into making this lady feel that she is special. She further asked me why is it that I do not do it to others, even to her although we are the best of friends. I also wondered and my reply was that I was being spontaneous. I reasoned that to be in love with a person that I barely know (I am admitting that I barely know her considering that we haven't really spent that much time together) is an idea that even I do not believe to be possible. I would like to think that I am doing what I do because that is what my heart tells me to do and my soul just feels so good doing it to her, if that is how being in love is then it might be. The discussion did not have a definite conclusion. Instead, I spent the next days thinking and evaluating my feelings.

I remember the time when I started seeing her differently. It was early in the morning while the rest of the world was in slumber. As the sun crept inside the room we were all resting, it was as if there was some kind of a spotlight pointed at this sleeping beauty. I resolved that it was God showing me something and she was the object of that something. From that day, I wanted to find out that something. Well, PMA does not really allow that to be an easy possibility. But then there was something that I felt I needed to do and I decided to do it even if I was in PMA and she was some place else. For some reason, there is some sort of unlimited energy that allowed me to do write her a letter week after week. Although there were times that I felt I was not going to keep on doing it, I did and the weeks became months and now it will be a year. I still do not have the slightest idea what is it that I have to find out. I am taking a chance without really directing what is it that I want to happen. I am waiting for another whisper, another sign that I do not know will come. I am living life, and enjoying it as I try to figure out what is it that I have to learn in this great adventure where this girl is a major character.

Now I am in some place and I just saw her earlier today. Nothing special really but it was to go down as a very important memory in my life. There were no sweet nothings nor romantic moments. It wasn't like those that we see in movies and there was definitely no Judy Ann Santos or Ryan Agoncillo among us. Although there were few stolen glances from me into her eyes, I still wondered if the eyes that I saw evoked some kind of message that I have to understand. Life went on when we parted ways. The thought still lingers inside my head and some of it have found themselves in this blog. I figured that life will still be the same after, even when I go back to PMA and resume my weekly letters. But as I said something did change and it happened as we were standing in front of candles that I did not know the reason why it has to be lighted. On her back as she was saying her prayers, I took the longest glance I could remember. It maybe because of the ambiance in that church or any other reason that I will never understand. As I was looking at her, there was a familiar feeling, it was the same as that when that spotlight appeared while she was sleeping more than a year ago. This time, it wasn't something that I did not know. It was something that I wished would last forever. Then I said my own prayers, and I said:

"Lord, I do not understand why all the candles are here, or what all the things around here had to do with faith. I am very sure of my faith and I do not see anything wrong with those who practice their faith differently from me. In the same way that You know how my faith is, I would like to think that You also know how I feel for this young lady in front of me and just as what I always do when it seems that I am so sure of my feelings, I give it up and allow You to do what You have to do."

Before she turned her back to look at me, I was already able to wipe a drop of tear that I was trying to stop while I was saying my prayers. I hope she did not notice.

A Christmas thought

Last night, while waiting for Christmas Day, I was composing a text message for someone. It wasn't the ordinary Christmas greeting that we forward to all the people we know. I was making something unique that I willl only send to someone special. I do not remember the exact words but it was about how the Holiday Season's can allow us to think about the many things in our life and realize how wonderful it has been. More than than, the season allows us to identify why our life is wonderful.

That was how I felt last night, while I was watching Smallville waiting for midnight. Our Noche Buena is not that grand, we had spaghetti, liempo and then Buko Salad. That was how it has always been. There was never really a time that I remembered that we prepared that much for our Christmas feast. In the previous years, there were serious problems, but then we have come to this point. In some way, I could say that we are better than others... we had spaghetti and liempo and our salad was not some ordinary salad, there was Ice cream mixed to it. I remember the time when all we had then was a bucket of KFC, it was fun.

I really do not know how to describe it but there is some thought that might just make my point. A cousin spent Christmas with us last night. I have not seen her for very long and we had so much things to tell each other. While walking around our village she noticed how the houses around us are so much different. Even I was surprised because it seemed that it was only our house that never went through renovation through the years. My younger brother had a witty reply:

"Kami kasi walang magulang. Kung may magulang kami ngayon wala ng pinag-aaral mga magulang namin kaya ang gagawin na lang nila magpaganda ng bahay. Yung mga kapitbahay namin mga magulang yan na walang magawa sa pera nila kaya pinaganda nila ang bahay nila"

It dawned to me that although our life has not been that good compared to our neighbors. Eventhough our house is already starting to show signs of old age, inside it live three young men who are somewhat survivors in their own right, overcoming all odds and still surviving despite of all the troubles in life. I could say that we are better off that others, we have survived through the years completely on our own and by the grace of God we are good people.

I guess Christmas is not really about all the lavish preparations and big gifts, I think its a time to be thankful that life is still moving forward and that God is still in control in our lives. I have come to realize that the wonderful thing in my life is the fact that it still endures everything that comes with and still continues to look forward to the unknown future full of hope and determination to overcome every test that it has to offer.