Being not enough -- continued

Last night, there was not enough time to really completely explain my thought on not being enough so I will write the continuation.

I wrote about not being enough, I mean if everything that we do in this world is enought to really get what we want then life wouldn't be that exciting. But more on that let me go back to the things taht I do to keep me busy. Let's take the letters that I have been sending every week to this girl somewhere far. I told myself that if I was true to my feelings and that I will give it my all maybe that would be enough. Now a year after, it seems that nothing is happening. Last year, I also complained about opportunities that I missed. About conferences that I was not given the chance to go despite of my belief that I was more than qualified. I felt then that life was fair and that I will be given what I am due. Later on, I realized that life is not actually fair. We can be the best at everything that we do but we do not have the final say in the outcome of what will happen.

This is the realization that I had in the crisis that I am going through right now. Maybe this is my second blessing -- to be taught that in the end the things that will happen to my life will not be because of what I can do but because it is a Grace from God. No matter how good I will do, no matter how much I try, I will never be certain of the things to come all I can do is submit everything to the will of God believing that He knows best.

The lessons in life is amazing, there is so much mystery in how each of us is taught a lesson that is life changing. I am learning more on submission and I am praying for some more. As I said in the initial stages of this problem in my life, I will come out a better person from this experience, right now I am believing that I am a better person and it has not ended yet. Well that is the beauty of living life...

I guess that is all I can say for now....

Being not enough

Around two weeks ago, I was excited to lead the congregation at church for Praise and Worship. Not only that it will be the first for the year, I was also full of so much pain and I just wanted release all of it. I wanted to find God's purpose on the things that suddenly gripped me when I came back from Christmas break. The Church then had some kind of activity where our pastor invited a Choir from the local UCCP in Baguio. It was to be a worship full of song and that made me uneasy, I guess I felt uneasy singing in front of singers. I made it through my part still unable to understand what I wanted to understand.

The choir that sang generally had older people in it but there was one that stood out. She was beautiful. The moment we saw her, almost all the upperclassmen had ordered at least one underclass to find out her cellphone number. In the duration, I forgot the spiritual thing I wanted to find out. Or so I thought.

In the days that followed, I have exchanged a lot of text messages with her. I learned a thing or two but the thing that stood out really was I enjoyed doing it. I was waiting each day for a text message from her and somehow that alleviated all the feelings that I had over my troubles. Later on, we began to talk about more personal things. Its really easier to confide with people that you do not know, even revealing the gory details of our lives seem to be so easy. Finally, I got this notion that there must be something about this girl.

Last night, I started reading Paulo Coelho's The Devil and Ms Prym. I was again caught by the genius of Paulo Coelho. Yesterday, I came to a thought which I shared with the girl I was talking about. I said that there are certain limitations with communication such as text messaging. After sometime, we realize that when we reach that limit beyond that is no longer believable. At the point when I considered even falling in love with her, I realized that it couldn't be possible, it was beyond the reach of text messaging. I kind of had this thought about this girl I have been writing to every week for the past year and somehow it all connected. At some point, we will realize that the things that we have or the things that we do will not be enough to really get what we want. All the effort I put in writing my letters every week to a girl far away will never be enough just as the text messages I send. It will never be enough because if we are able to depend on what we have and get what we want, then this world would be full of people just trying to be better than each other. At the end of it all, everything will be dependent on something beyond us and all we have to do is believe.

Well, going back to singing in the church and all my problems, I will never be enough. No matter how good I am, or whatever thing I try to do to avoid frustrations, it will never be enough. I will never be enought because if I was then life wouldn't be that exciting and God would not have a place in this world. At the end of it all, I will have to put my faith into something and for me now that something is with God. I will believe in Him, embrace it, and live my life to the fullest.

The Revelation

After a meeting with my Tactical Officer, I received the best news as far as this year is concerned, I just might get through all my problems in one piece.

I promised not to give out details about that problem in this blog and I will abide with that. In the past days, I have encountered a lot of emotions that contend me as I try to deal with my situation. I just had to talk to people and the more I talk about it, the more I understand the situation in relation to how I have become as a person. Yesterday, I was talking to Grace saying that the things that happened in my life have prepared me to face this challenge now. It seemed that although I felt bad with how things happened, I have somehow stored enough faith on things that I am able to go through this whole experience although trembling in fear but with a renewed hope each day. I was not asking for a miracle, I was asking for a revelation on who I am as a person and that is what I got.

You see, I learned that in everything that happens to a life of a person, there is just something that will allow us to exceed our own person and come out a better one. I learned now that my principles stands, although sometimes attacked viciously, as my constant reminder of who I am as a person. It defines me and how I defend it will definitely become a turning point in my life. I do not know how things are in this world. At one point we think that everything is just against us but then again in the end what will matter is the kind of person we are at that point in time and how far are we willing to go to allow God to reveal to us His purpose. In the end we become better people... it really is just a matter of faith.

Well, I am running out of time, I hope to write again about the subject in the future. The bottom line is, God is always Good.... I love you people

The testing of faith and restoration of relationships

I call this experience a test of faith and a restoration of relationships. In the last days, I have had the most fearful episode of my life that I spent most of my time alone crying to myself. I was so afraid of the things that will happen especially that the thing that I love so much, my cadetship, is threatened. Although it is not over yet, by this time I am beginning to see the light and have realized how God has worked in me through this even as I write this entry now.

I haven't been writing so much about faith these past days. When this blog started way back in 2001, almost all my entries were realizations about life and how God has manifested Himself in the things that I do. Lately though, my life has been complacent and most of my thoughts revolved around my frustrations, the things that I want to do and of course the usual way of trying to be interesting being the PMA cadet writing in a blog. I did not notice how I have stagnated in experiencing and practicing my faith to the point that it seemed I do not appreciate all the blessings that I am experiencing. This was my reminder.

Cadetship for me is a highlight in my life. Not only that I struggled to be here (the story is somewhere in the early archives), there was a time that God some kind of told me that this is where he wanted me to be. Not that I expect people to believe me that I heard some voice, but my confidence in my stay here is founded on that promise. I am now on my third year, and since then I have learned so much that each day I am beginning to embrace this profession more and more. Along the process also, my confidence level has increased, sometimes to the point of being proud, simply because I heard a voice. What I have forgotten is that more than a promise, this was in fact a gift from God that I should take care of and should not be complacent about. I realized this now and I had to be reminded the hard way.

Coming back from my Christmas Break last January 2, I was called by a superior and then it seemed that everything might just be taken away. Going back to my room, I spent the next 2 hours crying over it and being so fearful, I was not prepared for my cadetship to be taken away even the thought of it makes me really afraid. It was obvious in my previous entries but I tried my best to live out my faith. I started to pray a lot, read the bible more and asked people to pray for me also. I asked counsel from people that I admire and evaluated myself so that I can deal with this problem. I did not have the choice and I told myself that I will face this problem head-on believing that I will get what I deserve. It was a leap of faith and the biggest that I took in the past years. I started to organize my thoughts and prepared to defend myself. The issue occupied everything of me that I spend so much of my time thinking how to answer questions once the investigation begins. I also imagined scenarios and how to go about them. Finally, I prayed and asked people to pray for me. I wasn't myself in the past days and everytime I am left alone, I begin to cry and talk to God.

The other day, while I was expressing my fears to my father through text messaging I realized something. You see, I have had the most difficult relationship with my father. Growing up, I blamed so much of what has happened to my life to him and it was only lately that I started to patch things up for them. But being here in PMA, I really do not have so much opportunity to bond with him and I do not feel comfortable being mushy with him in text messages and letters. I realized that this was my opportunity(and his also) to show how I love him. In our exchange of text messages, I realized that I felt good as he comforts me and guides me with what I can do. I felt that in this testing of my faith, we had the opportunity to show how much love we have for each other. After a few exchanges, I wasn't very much concerned anymore with my problem rather I was more concerned of telling him how happy I was that he was with me in this crisis and how he has made a difference in the way things are no matter how things will end up. Amidst my problem, God was restoring a relationship that had to be restored so that I can be a better person.

Things have not yet settled although it is looking up. Last night, I received some wonderful counsel and had some concrete assurance that everything will turn out well. But more than my problem being resolved, there are more lessons that I learned. I now consider this experience as God's way of testing my faith and restoring my relationship with my father. I am now truly thankful that He allowed me to go through this experience. My fears now are not as big as before. Although I find myself still wondering every now and then, what has become so obvious in this whole experience is that God manifesting himself amidst trials and assuring me that everything is in his control. This afternoon, I had the most comfortable sleep since I went back from Christmas break. Amidst my problems, God does comfort those who put their faith in Him.

For each of us, we will have moments in our lives where everything will be shaken. We will have to come into terms with realities that we are not ready to confront and yet do not have the choice. But in all these things, I now learned that in each of the trials, problems, temptations and other bad things that happens in our lives is an opportunity for God to manifest Himself and work in our lives. I now learned that no matter how things are the best way to deal with things is put our faith in God, allow him to manifest Himself and let Him do His wonder. I am so much excited of how things will end and somehow I am hoping that a lesson or two can be learned from my experience. God does work in mysterious ways.

Thank you God!!!

The first blessing

I am afraid. Last night, I had to ask some underclassmen to be with me in the room as my three room mates went on their Environmental Science Field Trip. I do not trust myself when alone, I can not stop thinking about the crisis that is happening in my life right now. I can not get it off my head and very often I end up crying to myself and be very very afraid. In truth, I am afraid that I just might get dismissed.

As I said before, I do not want to go into the details of my problem, that might put me into more trouble but I just have to write my thoughts and the realizations that I had out of my problems. Last night, I told my father how afraid I was. I told him how I cried myself to sleep, I told him all of my fears. You see, my father has not been that good of a listener to problems, but at that instant I could feel how concerned he was. Suddenly I told him that I am just so happy to go through this knowing that he is with me all the way. I guess instead of dealing with all my fears and the sadness I have, there are still good things that come with this problem of mine and last night I realized that it was God's way of reminding me of my father. I realized how different it has been before with my relationship with my father and God is showing me how important it is. This thing is far from over but as early as now, the blessings are already revealing itself. Although still fearful, I am thanking God that He is able to show me these things amidst my problem and I am still hopeful that He will show me more. Thank you God and be with me as I go through this.

I will count all of the blessings I will find in my problems and will thank God in everything... God, I'm yours....