Silly things and renewed hope

There are plenty of reasons why I write silly things in my blog. One, there are just times that I have silly thoughts that I can not allow to dwell in me. Another is the fact that what kind of person I am if I can not be silly at times. There are still others that I can think of if really I try but I am happy with the two because honestly, writing this entry, I just want to be silly.

My room mates Ipod was borrowed last weekend and it has not been returned yet. The result is that no High School Musical sountrack playing inside our room. I kind of missed it over the weekend but have kind of forgotten all about it when our intramurals began yesterday. My major participation is really just cheering for my company during games but yesterday I kind of felt like joining the hard part of the games. I joined my female classmate when she had the running part of the duathlon (the events are swimming and running) I do not exactly recall how fast we were running the 5.5 kilometer stretch of the gate and back but I enjoyed it considering that I am having a hard time catching my breath in running these days. I am trying my best to run everyday hoping to regain my endurance and to shed of some of the weight I am gaining. I'm sad that all the fats I burned last summer somehow found its way back into my body and I have to take an effort to shed it off again. I am trying my best not too eat too much and take some time to run as often as I could (my initial goal now is to run 5 kilometers a day). Anyway, my life is somehow normal without me really feeling that bad compared to a few weeks ago. I am hoping this will continue.

Now, let me change the topic. Last night, I had an animated chatting session with a friend in Manila. I was telling her about the text message I received from a very special girl in my not so distant past. I was sharing to her how surprised I was because in her text she was like telling me that I was not texting her. To be honest I did, but she did not reply so I guess there was no reason to keep on trying. Well, last sunday it was different. Maybe out of the blue she had nothing to do and she did sent me a text message that reminded me of the wonderful past that we once shared. I have to admit that I was happy that she wanted to get in touch because I did have happy memories with her, but then again it wasn't like I was thrilled. I had so many things going on and somehow placing her in it is totally out of the picture. I guess she will just remain to be a happy memory. Last night, just before I went to sleep, I admitted to my friend (the one I was chatting) that I did love her and perhaps it will never change, she will always be special no matter what but life goes one and she is not part of it for me. I'm not being rude I am just being realistic. I am looking forward to her invitation of seeing me when I get the chance to go out and I am hoping that would be soon.

Anyway, let me also share an insight about something that happened last week. I was actually losing patience over this girl I am writing to every week. I have been contemplating whether or not I was being patient or I was just being dense. Then last monday, something happened. It was one of those ideas where we ask everyone in our phonebook to greet someone special for a special occassion. I wasn't that thrilled because I knew she sent the same message to tons of her friends. But being the "good person" that I am I complied and had some few text messages with her parents. I just have to tell them that their daughter was such a wonderful person. Finally, when I was about to sleep, I kind of remembered the times when I had to escort her around the mall. I remembered the time in SM Baguio when she was looking for some pasalubong for her brother. Then I remembered how she talks about her family and that she just exudes so much joy while she is at it. In one remark I vividly remember when I was in Lipa, she told me not to worry if I get lost anyway "pulis naman si papa." Then it made sense. I guess one can not find someone who values her family so much that it shows in the way she does things. At the point where I was contemplating on how to find the patience I need to go on pursuing her, I found it in one single text message. I slept very comfortably that night with renewed hope.

It has been a while since I was able to write something this long and I am hoping I will have plenty of entries like this. I think this year will be better for me despite of its bad start. I was not into reading last year. I only read Mitch Albom's For One More Day and it was mostly because I can not help it but feel guilty giving it away without having the chance to read it (I read it on the bus going to Baguio and finished somewhere in Pangasinan). Just today though, I just finished my second book in 4 days and I have started a new one. I really feel that its a good sign, I am going back to normal. Well, I am beginning to sound weird I will just have to write more about these things in the future. I love you people

Breaking Free

Remember a time when you wake up in the morning and the first thing you hear is some familiar tune and then you end up singing the tune for the rest of the day. For me now, it has lasted for a week. During the recent Christmas Holidays, my younger sister kept on singing some familiar tune. She had a CD of it and she had it wherever she went to. It was the High School Musical Soundtrack and I can just wonder what the movie was about. Then coming back to Baguio my roommate has an answer to my curiousity -- he had a DVD of the movie (of course together with some others which were really the ones he wanted to watch). To make the long story short, I watched it and have since seen the movie for like five times. That's something considering that for one, computers are now illegal (for the underclass that is) and that its not like I have a lot of free time to spare. But then the movie struck something in me, maybe my love for singing or just this fantasy of going back to high school and having a blast of a good time. In the weekend that followed, my room mates bought the soundtrack and it has been playing inside our room ever since. Now, I am looking forward to the day it will be played in the mess hall while the whole Corps is eating.
I do not know if there is something interesting with teeny movies that has caught the liking of someone who is practicaill living in some isolated place. The truth is that I do not care. But let me just say this. In all of us there will be things that will capture our fancy, things that will just give us that form of comfort and relief. This things may not be necessarily popular to the crowd that we belong to. To everyone, I think there is just this "dark" secret that we keep hidden because it is different but then again more than being entitled to our own individuality is the courage to stand for the things that call our hearts to break free and be the persons according to who we really are.
In Paulo Coelho's the Devil and Ms Prym, the characters of St. Savin (a hermit living near the town of Viscos) and Ahab (the acknowledged founder of Viscos) are somewhat figures that explains my point. Although I do not really want to reveal the story of the book, the thing with this characters is that they somehow illustrate the kind of people we usually are. Although everyone can relate to the other characters in the novel, the two stand-out because they acted on what their heart was calling for. The whole story somehow revolved on the dillema of the inhabitants of Viscos wanting to be accepted in the community. In the clincher, there has to be someone who had to take a bold step, a leap of faith if I may say, to make people understand the value of their own individuality and being the real person that they are. The devil and the gold bars were just stimulus that caused the story to happen the way it happen in Paulo Coelho's novel.
I guess my point in this entry is that although the world that we are in can be vicious to those who try to be different, it is never a reason to be indifferent. Yes we have to deal with society but to lose our individuality along the process is a greater crime that is not only bad but also betrays the person that we were intended to be. I know that I will never be the person that everyone will like or be proud of, but I know that when they do it will be because of who I really am and I'd rather be that person that someone who desperately altered himself for others.

Being not enough -- continued

Last night, there was not enough time to really completely explain my thought on not being enough so I will write the continuation.

I wrote about not being enough, I mean if everything that we do in this world is enought to really get what we want then life wouldn't be that exciting. But more on that let me go back to the things taht I do to keep me busy. Let's take the letters that I have been sending every week to this girl somewhere far. I told myself that if I was true to my feelings and that I will give it my all maybe that would be enough. Now a year after, it seems that nothing is happening. Last year, I also complained about opportunities that I missed. About conferences that I was not given the chance to go despite of my belief that I was more than qualified. I felt then that life was fair and that I will be given what I am due. Later on, I realized that life is not actually fair. We can be the best at everything that we do but we do not have the final say in the outcome of what will happen.

This is the realization that I had in the crisis that I am going through right now. Maybe this is my second blessing -- to be taught that in the end the things that will happen to my life will not be because of what I can do but because it is a Grace from God. No matter how good I will do, no matter how much I try, I will never be certain of the things to come all I can do is submit everything to the will of God believing that He knows best.

The lessons in life is amazing, there is so much mystery in how each of us is taught a lesson that is life changing. I am learning more on submission and I am praying for some more. As I said in the initial stages of this problem in my life, I will come out a better person from this experience, right now I am believing that I am a better person and it has not ended yet. Well that is the beauty of living life...

I guess that is all I can say for now....

Being not enough

Around two weeks ago, I was excited to lead the congregation at church for Praise and Worship. Not only that it will be the first for the year, I was also full of so much pain and I just wanted release all of it. I wanted to find God's purpose on the things that suddenly gripped me when I came back from Christmas break. The Church then had some kind of activity where our pastor invited a Choir from the local UCCP in Baguio. It was to be a worship full of song and that made me uneasy, I guess I felt uneasy singing in front of singers. I made it through my part still unable to understand what I wanted to understand.

The choir that sang generally had older people in it but there was one that stood out. She was beautiful. The moment we saw her, almost all the upperclassmen had ordered at least one underclass to find out her cellphone number. In the duration, I forgot the spiritual thing I wanted to find out. Or so I thought.

In the days that followed, I have exchanged a lot of text messages with her. I learned a thing or two but the thing that stood out really was I enjoyed doing it. I was waiting each day for a text message from her and somehow that alleviated all the feelings that I had over my troubles. Later on, we began to talk about more personal things. Its really easier to confide with people that you do not know, even revealing the gory details of our lives seem to be so easy. Finally, I got this notion that there must be something about this girl.

Last night, I started reading Paulo Coelho's The Devil and Ms Prym. I was again caught by the genius of Paulo Coelho. Yesterday, I came to a thought which I shared with the girl I was talking about. I said that there are certain limitations with communication such as text messaging. After sometime, we realize that when we reach that limit beyond that is no longer believable. At the point when I considered even falling in love with her, I realized that it couldn't be possible, it was beyond the reach of text messaging. I kind of had this thought about this girl I have been writing to every week for the past year and somehow it all connected. At some point, we will realize that the things that we have or the things that we do will not be enough to really get what we want. All the effort I put in writing my letters every week to a girl far away will never be enough just as the text messages I send. It will never be enough because if we are able to depend on what we have and get what we want, then this world would be full of people just trying to be better than each other. At the end of it all, everything will be dependent on something beyond us and all we have to do is believe.

Well, going back to singing in the church and all my problems, I will never be enough. No matter how good I am, or whatever thing I try to do to avoid frustrations, it will never be enough. I will never be enought because if I was then life wouldn't be that exciting and God would not have a place in this world. At the end of it all, I will have to put my faith into something and for me now that something is with God. I will believe in Him, embrace it, and live my life to the fullest.

The Revelation

After a meeting with my Tactical Officer, I received the best news as far as this year is concerned, I just might get through all my problems in one piece.

I promised not to give out details about that problem in this blog and I will abide with that. In the past days, I have encountered a lot of emotions that contend me as I try to deal with my situation. I just had to talk to people and the more I talk about it, the more I understand the situation in relation to how I have become as a person. Yesterday, I was talking to Grace saying that the things that happened in my life have prepared me to face this challenge now. It seemed that although I felt bad with how things happened, I have somehow stored enough faith on things that I am able to go through this whole experience although trembling in fear but with a renewed hope each day. I was not asking for a miracle, I was asking for a revelation on who I am as a person and that is what I got.

You see, I learned that in everything that happens to a life of a person, there is just something that will allow us to exceed our own person and come out a better one. I learned now that my principles stands, although sometimes attacked viciously, as my constant reminder of who I am as a person. It defines me and how I defend it will definitely become a turning point in my life. I do not know how things are in this world. At one point we think that everything is just against us but then again in the end what will matter is the kind of person we are at that point in time and how far are we willing to go to allow God to reveal to us His purpose. In the end we become better people... it really is just a matter of faith.

Well, I am running out of time, I hope to write again about the subject in the future. The bottom line is, God is always Good.... I love you people