A love letter that is not to be read yet.

I was watching this movie the other day and it kept me awake until 1 in the morning. The movie was about two people who met each other by some twist of fate, experienced a very romantic chemistry between them and then decided to just leave it at that when they came back to their different places. They came from different countries and they thought that if they continued to contact each other, they will lose the magic that they had when they were together the first time around. I hated that the movie had to end that way although I think it's very possible that their fears might be true.

I am quite sure that I will not find myself in the position of the couple since I was always a risk taker. But watching the movie and understanding that the first of the couple is not remotely possible, there was this uneasiness inside my heart. The truth is, I have seen many couples who just "lost that loving feeling" through the years. I remembered someone I knew who was so in love with this person to the point that even when we were together, he can't stop talking about this girl. Fast forward to 5 years after, they got married had a son and now they hate each other guts. Looking at their situation their was the extreme side of a long pole that spells the difference of love and hate. But then I also remembered how my parents were. I remembered trying to find my own solution to their problems so that when my time comes I will not repeat their mistakes. I decided to always remember the time when I first fell in love with the person.

Today, I could say that I am in a state that somehow sings to that tune. I do not wish to put the details but I am just saying that I am, from the deepest chambers of my heart, in love. Now after watching the movie, and having the same fear as the characters of the movie had, I decided to write my feelings for this person for me to always remember it. I have no intention to have her read this yet but I just want to record it. So I am writing her a letter that is not for her to read yet. Here it is:

"I am troubled as I write this letter. I am troubled not because I do not know what to write but because I am not sure if now is the time that I should express this. I am troubled because to admit my feelings is a risk that I am not exactly sure that I am ready to take. But I guess I will never be ready and the uncertainty will always be there, what is certain and will never change will be the feelings that continues to occupy my soul.

I have always believed that things do not happen by accident. We live our lives doing what we do and God manifests himself as we go along meeting accidents that we never really understand. Meeting you was one such instant, when without the understanding of the whole situation I knew that it was God’s way of revealing himself to me. The magical moment that lead to this very conclusion was something that changed my life forever. The emotion that has filled my heart caused me to appreciate the beauty of life which just renews my spirit with each passing day.

I remember the exact moment when you were in your deep sleep early one morning. The sun barely creeping, I was tired from doing the newsletter the night before. As if nature was conspiring to create that instant, the sun’s rays were like a spotlight that pointed directly to you. In your slumber, you had an aura that evoked magnificence that revealed a beauty more than your angelic face, a beauty that revealed the very nature of God himself. My eyes started to get misty knowing that I am witnessing a miracle. I knew then that my life has changed forever because of you. This letter will come to you in due time. This is a testament of a heart that love has touched, a love that only the heart understands… a love that is divine. The future is uncertain but the future always reveals the truth. It always hopes for the better, always perseveres and always believes. I believe in the wonder of God. I believe that just as how the events unfolded, I am also believing that however things will come, the love that I offer you will manifest its sincerity, its honesty just as how all true love manifests itself. I believe all this for in the end love only endures as long as we believe in it. I love you from the bottom of my heart and everyday my heart only longs for you".

That's it...

Our episodes of immaturity

I was browsing through a friendster account of a friend I had since long time ago. I just recently found her account and so I took the time to just browse through the many pictures she uploaded since I have not seen her since 2005. The thing that strucked me was this big picture she used as a background. It was a picture with her now husband or soon to be husband (I do not know really since we have not talked). It dawned to me how things have changed in the past years. I was contemplating how life has been evolving into more permanent and serious things from long ago when all we had are just dreams.

In the not so distant past, when all we think about are things that could give us the fun that we want in this life, it was as if life was pretty easy and the worries where not that important. For myself, I have lived my life hoping that the good things will come yet not really making serious consideration on how this things will become a reality. It was as if I wanted something to the tune of happily ever after without really trying. I could remember all my childhood misdemeanors and wonder now why on earth was I able to think of doing those things?

In another friendster account of someone I know back in high school, there was a series of pictures with her in famous landmarks all over the world. Not that I envy her, but I kind of tried to remember how she was in the days of immaturity and try to connect those memories to the person that she is right now. My answer was -- I do not know. And then there was this query from a friend asking me how on earth was I able to think of going to PMA when I was simple "kulisaw" (I do not know the exact word in tagalog but its more like UN-PMA). Coming to think of it, its a wonder how kulisaw people like me, will go through a regimented life as a soldier. And its not just me or my other friend, there are so many others that I begin to wonder how each is connected. I wonder whether or not there is some sort of cause and effect to the things that we do in our life. Is immaturity simply a period in everybody's life or doe it have some bearing in the kind of person we will become?

I go back to my stint as class president when I was in second year high school. I wasn't really class president material. Back then I had insecurities that was so evident, I can even say now that I did not have that much to claim for myself. The reason I became class president was that we impeached our original class president (that person by the way is now doing good as a flight attendant also flying across the world) and I replaced her for the mere reason that I had the guts to speak out even to our teachers when the class is in some kind of trouble. Ironically, I now belong to profession where speaking out is taboo unless asked to do so and misbehaviour is met with hard and swift punishments. If we try to see the connection of the two, there is basically NONE. So again my original question.

But looking at that experience now and my present state, I could say that it really does have this some kind of cause and effect relationship. For one, I wasn't entirely successful in defending my class since many of our misbehaviours have been punished in some way. By the time we were moving to third year, more than half of my classmates have been kicked out of my school, it was a good thing I was spared. Also, I realized that it wasn't more of the misdemeanor or being class president that was important at that time. In fact, I did not put that position in the yearbook when I graduated simply because I was afraid that my classmate whom we impeached will also put it in her yearbook. Comparing the two of us with her angelic face, she is more believable to hold such position. But really, the more glaring reality was that it was my time to shine. Although it was more of doing mischief, I had that opportunity to be a person that people depended on and I loved it. In the next coming years, I no longer engaged in so much mischief but concentrated more on being a dependable person on something that I am good at doing. I went into Debating, joined a Political Party in our Student Government, immersed myself with Scouting and got involved with so many other things. I may not have been a popular kid back then, but I guess I was doing something that I knew I was good at and I loved it. Looking at it now, I could say that the effect is the person that I am now. I may not be the really best person at what I do but I know I am doing something I know I am good at.

Well, I do not wish to debate whether or not I am really good at whatever it is that I do, I can just say that I try to be one very hard. I just want to say that at some point in our episode of immaturity, back in the days when all we wanted to do was something that was fun, we found things in this life that make us go alive that just defines the person that we will become. It is not a question of whether or not we have been good through and through but in the end it is always about the person that we are now, whether we are good or BAD. Somehow there is a link to all these things until finally we are able to understand our dreams and work towards achieving these dreams.

Finally, maybe I am just lucky. In reality, there is no way of predicting whether or not one action that we did before will result to something good even if that action was good. The thing that is very glaring and certain is that we are responsible for the person that we will become. When everything has been said and done, the person that we are is entirely our doing.

Combat Life Saver

There are several things that I learned about myself in the past week. One: I can be a human pin cushion (as in literally); two: I know how to insert a 6 inch tube inside the nose of a person; three: if in case I do not become a soldier, I can be a nurse and then finally: I'm loving the Army.
I spent the last week going through the different skills that we will need when we become Officers of the Philippine Army. While I was bored with tracing all the streams and roads of Olongapo in a piece of plastic acetate for our Advanced Map Reading Class, there was some kind of thrill when we finally had our Combat Life Saving Instructions. Yes, combat life saving, some kind of first aid in combat situations.

The good thing about the enemies of the state is that they seldom inflict that much damage on our troops. In instances where our military units have been at a disadvantage, it has been mostly due to compromises brought about by sympathizers who give information to the enemy regarding our soldiers. In most cases, our casualties are due to improper handling of situations that need immediate medical attention, that is first aid. And so, there goes the reason for studying Combat Life Saving.

Most common cause of death is excessive bleeding which leads to loss of blood and shock, and then the improper handling of fractures. Another consideration is the safety of our men. I mean, a soldier will be more confident fighting side by side with you if he knows that you can take care of him in case he is wounded. And so I begin to tell my story at learning to be a Combat Life Saver.

As in all First Aid instructions, we had to go back to the ABC's 0f first aid-- the A being Airway or simply making sure that the airway of the patient is clear. I was told that in some cases when a soldier is hit blood blocks the air passage of his body. I was taught some ways to make sure that the airway of the patient is clear and the most exciting of it all is the procedure where a tube called nasopharyngeal is inserted inside the nostril of a person. I was a bit shocked seeing the pictures of the procedure being done not knowing that in a few moments I was to perform it to my classmate.

I started with putting on the gloves, making sure it remains sterile. Then I put lubricant to the "thing" finally beginning to hold it in place ready for insertion. Slowly, it makes its way inside my classmates nose while the rest where looking at the reaction on the face of my "patient." First obstruction and I can see my classmate flinch clearly there was some kind of irritation (or maybe pain). I pulled it back a little, some wiggling action and then it continues to slide. More flinching coupled by a few gasps from the spectators around me and finally its in -- all 6 inches of it. If inserting it was a bit hard, removing it was a breeze, its just pulling it out, no elaborate procedure and then we switch places. I was to be the patient this time. I really should have pictures of that tube inside my nose. Well, that was my first discovery.

In my youth, I once spent a whole day in a hospital bed with a dextrose plugged to me. I never imagined that a day will come that I will be the one to "plug it in." The thing with me is that I am not really that afraid with blood. I remember the time when my niece had a serious cut on her foot and it was oozing with blood. The other adults in the house were screaming at the top of their lungs while I was washing the wounded foot with soap and water, putting some improvised dressing and then sending her to the hospital for stitches.

Again, in front of me are my devices. A needle that is to be attached to a dextrose and my classmates arm. After finding a prominent vein, I took my aim and then blood starts to ooze out of my classmate's arm. I never realized how strong blood flows inside our vein. It was a good hit the first time around and then it was my turn. It was my time to be the human pin cushion.

If I wasn't that terrified with blood and piercings, my classmate was. I could see the needle shaking as he aims it at my arm. When it finally gets in, he seems hesitant to push the needle further inward. First hit, even if around 2 inches of the needle was inside my skin, there was no blood coming out. Second, my arm had a bulge near the point of insertion (which was a sign that something was wrong). Five needles and an already painful arm after it was in, much to my relief (whew!!!) I came back to my room that night wondering why I allowed my classmate to do that to me. Well, I guess that is just how it is.

I really wish that I had pictures of that experience. It may sound weird but going through it kind of allows me to see myself at a level I have not seen myself before. I did not know I had the guts to actually do those things. I now wonder why some of those in the medical profession have not mastered doing those procedures when we practically went through a crash course in performing those. I learned that the only limitation we can have is somewhere between our ears. If we just try doing it, we can be successful.

Next week, we will have the more fun stuff, we will have Close Quarter Battle. I guess that's it for now. I love you people...

Of the people that we meet

In a suddent turn of events, I came to a deep thought on how our life is changed by the people we meet. How are we changed by the people in our lives?

In the year 2003, I enrolled myself to the UP Open University. It was an attempt to get back at studying after having made plans on what to do with my life. I was still very eager to go back to PMA only that I was already entertaining other plans just in case PMA will not push through. There are people that I met and one of them was an interesting person by the name of Joy.

I first met her through Yahoo Messenger. Open University capitalized more on the internet so most of the students were very much into the Internet technology. I do not remember now who started talking to the other but I remember that our discussion was about Dead Stars. She told me about how a dead star can look very much "alive" on earth since light has to travel a great distance. Meaning, although it is dead we still see it as alive in our night sky. A few years later I finally was able to read the literary piece that started that discussion. It was Paz Benitez-Marquez's short story entitled Dead Stars. This short story is recognized in Philippine Literature as the First Short Story in English written by a Filipino. Until this very day, although I haven't been in touch with Joy for years, the short story only reminds me of her.

And then there was my gay room mate. Believe it or not, I had an openly gay person for a room mate back in College. The day I transferred to our room, I immediately got a taste of his (or her) being Homosexual. Inside our bathroom hanged sets of panties. He said that it was more comfortable wearing those than briefs. In my mind, I knew it was because wearing those made him feel more female. In the many months that we shared that room, I was able to understand not just his being Gay but also other things. I was able to see how hard work makes a person, how being the best is infectious. People may find being gay as some kind of deficiency, but believe me when I say that he is one of the few people whose heart is made of gold. Up to this very day, I will not hesitate to have the opportunity to share a room again with him.

There is also my mother who passed away in April 2000. She taught me how to dream BIG.

In the many encounters we have had and we will continue to have with people in this lifetime, all of this will contribute to the kind of person we will become. Good or bad, people leave an imprint in our lives that will change us forever. In each of these encounters we are able to get things from even if some do not help us. The truth remains that people around us contribute to the kind of person we have and will become. So I aske again, how are we changed by the people that we meet?

Joy changed me by being the kind of person that she is. She will forever be part of my knowledge on the First Short Story in English written by a Filipino. My gay room mate will be my constant reminder not to judge the gay people. Of course, my mother will constantly push me not to give up on my dreams. Small or big, people do change us. Its not just those that we have become close, it even includes others as simple as the vendor we buy a chewing gum every time we pass a street near our house. Summing up everything, we are immortalized in people just as people are immortalized inside our hearts out of the interaction we have. The sooner we accept thise, the easier it is to accept that life in this world is connected in some way.

People will come to us in different ways. They will also be taken from us in a snap of a finger. Last sunday, a former classmate and now an upperclass was shot in the head in an ambush in Isabela. Just like that he was gone. All the memories about this person suddenly goes back and although he's gone in each of the hearts of the people he has touched... he lives on.

I guess the whole point in why I write this entry is to understand the reality of the complexities of this life. I, too, can not explain death but I do know that when a person becomes immortalized in our hearts, death is not the end.

A blessed sould tempered by the Grace of God

Last Friday, I attended a wedding of a couple I know from church. They were celebrating their 15th wedding anniversary and they renewed their vows with all of us as witnesses.

I have not been writing much about the area of romance, but it doesn't really mean that I am not thinking about it. I am more confused now than I was a couple of months ago. I guess the more we learn things the more we are able to understand that things like these are not as easy as we think it is.

Coming from a family who did not have an example of a beautiful romantic relationship, my idea of romance has been shaped mostly by imagination and observation. I can not remember any family member who had an ideal romance. Except for those who have seperated and went on to have different spouses (legal or otherwise), those that remain either had histories of unfaithfulness, unwanted pregnancies, elopement, family members widely opposing the relationship and other incidents that do not fall under the category of ideal. But of course, life goes on and I continue to hope that when my turn comes, I will have what I have been praying for. Not that I want it to be ideal, I simply want it to be normal.

And so at my stage now, things can be confusing trying to juggle all the other areas in my life and at the same time always careful that what I do now will not have repercussions on my future of everything in my life. I could say that there are times that I am just afraid. I am afraid because I know that even those that had failed relationships, they too were dreaming of normal ones back when they were young.

So going back to the wedding, I listened to the pastors message, sharing how a marriage is not between two people but between three the other one is, of course, God. I marvel at the video presentation that chronicled the different stages in the marriage of the couple. I know that their 15 years wasn't all heaven, but I also know that in the 15 years that they spent together, the two of them do not regret a thing at marrying one another. Their faces were that of pure joy that can only come from a blessed soul tempered by the grace of God.

How does one really know?

I know that I will not be able to answer the question at this point. I guess no one really knows. As I always say, for each of us we will all experience these things in a different way. Each event in our life will be revealed to us in a manner that will tailor fit the kind of person that we are. In each of these events we will decide based on the wisdom that we have acquired and hope that the result of our decisions will be the one that will bring us closer to our dreams. There will be encounters with people from all walks of life, all telling us different ideas about the same things. We will choose what to believe and act on those beliefs, but still in the end, we will never really know, we can just hope and pray.

I am confused because at a time when things in my life seems to have that direction I have been looking for in the past, I am becoming worried of the other aspect that does not have one... the romance thing that is. I know I am being impatient about this so spare me the criticism. I hate the fact that I am admitting how shallow I can be, but then this is me and I can not help it. Maybe later on I will forget this nonsense, be busy again and time will fly so fast. I do not know, I am just hoping and praying hard that in the end what will happen to me will be, just like the couple in the wedding, a blessed sould tempered by the grace of God