Randomness of thought

If in the previous years, I almost always felt lonely about being here in Baguio, I'm feeling different this time around. I thought this feeling will just pass, but then it stuck to me and I am beginning to think that I will be having the same emotion for long.

Last week, my phone was confiscated. I am hoping that I will get it soon but for some reason, I seem not to be that interested in having it returned to me soon. For no apparent reason (at least nothing that I am aware of), I am contented with being detached from "civilization" with the internet being the only way to find me. How weird is that?

Just before I went to Nueva Ecija last month, I started watching the series One Tree Hill. Yesterday, I finished the 15th episode of season 4 and I hate the fact that I can not find the continuation of the season. For some reason, the DVD ended in the part where Peyton meets her stalker just before she goes to her senior prom I do not know what happens next. So I started watching Numb3rs, I'm enjoying it but I still can't help but wonder what happened at One Tree Hill. Moral lesson: always buy a complete season. :)

Well life is better now, considering that I am at the very top of the cadet hierarchy already and of course, graduation is just 9 months away. I am not worried much, I am just very eager to enjoy the rest of my remaining days as a cadet.

Anyway, its not like everything is good. If things are well in most things about my life, there is still one area that makes me wonder everytime I am by myself. As I said to one friend, I am at a stage where life seems to lead to happily ever after and my problem is not about going towards it but having someone to share it with. Well it is still the same thing as before, the same girl, the same confusion. But then again, its not as if its the end of the world, I am believing that everything will come into place in God's time, I just hope it will be sooner... I hope you are reading this...

Feeling the pain

I'm not writing another entry about the Army, I will put that on hold first and try to deal with something I wanted to share.

I have been open to the fact that my mother died of cancer. I have often written about being beside her while she screamed in pain and just hearing her prayers. That experience formed the foundation on my belief that God does give us rest even in painful situations. The pain may not subside but there is this inner peace that God brings when we call upon him amidst painful situations.

About a few days ago, I found a few friends in friendster that have been in similar situations. Just as always, I am amazed how they find comfort knowing that God will be there to take care of them despite their condition. I am not happy because of their condition, but I am happy that because of their condition, they experience God working in their lives day after day, how many of us can really say that.

In a book I read a few years ago, it basically answered the question "Where is God when it hurts?" The author used the example of leprosy to make his point. In the early days, when medical science wasn't that advanced, many people thought that leprosy was the disease of the unclean. They described it as a condition for people who are literally decomposing even when they are still alive. Now, modern science has learned that leprosy is actually a defect in our body's reaction to pain. Experts have learned that reason the body "decomposes" is that our body can no longer feel pain thus, it is abused and then degenerates. In one example, there was a man who played his guitar so hard that his hands began to bleed. Because he had leprosy, he is unaware of the pain and so he continues to abuse his hand until finally the hand comes off with him still unable to feel the pain. That is the same reason why rats can just tear off a tissue on those with leprosy without them feeling pain. Leprosy is in fact a condition very similar to the pain we experience in our day to day life.

In an article in Newsweek recently, Sam Harris, a noted atheist, had a dialogue with Rick Warren, author of the phenomenal Purpose-Driven Life, about faith. I may be biased, but the thing that struck me was how Mr. Harris has pointed out various "painful" events that has led him to the conclusion that God really does not exist. I do not wish to debate on whose argument is better but I am just trying to point out how painful situations can in fact be blessings from God.

I, too, do not want to feel pain. I guess everybody does. All of us would want to live life without feeling and discomfort. That is the best way for us to succeed at the things that we do and be happy with our life. But just like pain when we cut ourselves, it reminds us that we are not invincible, that we are mortals. Pain reminds us that despite of all the things that we can do, there is still something more powerful than us and for me that being is God. If we are unable to fell pain, we will become proud of who we are and forget about other people. The acceptance that we can not do everything in this world is the beginning of wisdom and it is the foundation of faith... sometimes, it takes pain to trigger that.

We do not want to experience pain, but when you come to think of it pain does wonders. If we try to just think about the painful situations we have been into and think about how this events has changed our lives, you'll see what I mean. As for me, I am not wishing for pain, but I am believing that when I do experience pain, God is teaching me something and He will be there to guide me through it....

God Bless you people

Way Back Into Love (full version)

I just love this song...

In the ARMY: you just have to do it to understand

I woke up the next day with more red marks on my legs. The mosquitoes were indeed successful in making sure that I will remember them when I go back to my room in Baguio. They will sure be that constant reminder for me not to complain again while I sleep on my five inch mattress. As I was walking out of the bunker to urinate, I hear the sentinel at the front gate shout, "Andyan na sila." He was referring to my classmates who just conducted their first Combat Patrol. Later in the afternoon, it will be my turn.

A Combat Patrol is a routine activity of any combat unit in the Army. It is usually done, to check an area for any enemy activity and of course as a way to make the presence of the Army be felt in the community they are located. Not that is militarization as most leftist organizations would put it, its simply part of the jobs that they had to perform, the same as cops going around the city. Unlike the Combat Patrol we do in PMA, there is 101% certainty that there is no enemy. We do not have live ammunition and the emphasis is more on the way the patrol is done. We are expected to show that we learned the process in conducting one. In PMA, we conduct this patrol with other cadets, who, for most of the time consider this exercise a waste of time. The Patrol I will be conducting on the other hand will be very much different. For one, I will be conducting it in an area that is hostile. I will be doing it with Enlisted Personnel (the privates, corporals and others). The good thing is that I have live bullets loaded in my gun and the fearful thing is that... its the real thing. I was told by my OIC, if you are engaged (as in fired upon by the enemy) you will have to be the officer there. It wasn't like I did not know what to do when fired upon, I practically memorized the procedures to be done. In a manner of speaking, theoretically, I know more about Military Tactics than the soldiers that I will be leading in the Patrol. But the truth is, I have never been face to face with danger. I have not experienced being fired upon by live bullets, I was simply a student of soldiery with no combat experience.

The time came, although I tried to look calm, my heart was pounding. At the back of my mind I knew that the area I will be patrolling on is less likely to have enemy forces, but still there is this chance of meeting the enemy and although low, I was afraid. The Corporal in front of me was a confident one, he kept on telling me stories of his exploits and pointed to me places that he remembered encountering the NPAs. Behind me was a five-month old private, he was simply silent. Inside my head, I was thinking of the many scenarios I learned, I was on the lookout for advantageous positions in case of any eventuality. I was very observant and became fearful of people that we meet along the way. I did not realize that we were already entering the front gate back to the Company Headquarters.

My first real Combat Patrol is finished. When I graduate next year I know I will have more of that but as my OIC would put it, the first time is always the most fearsome. The lesson I learned is not anything near to being brave. I learned that the only way to understand the reality of the things that are to come is to simply do it. My first combat patrol wasn't that exciting. All we did was walk until we were able to return to the base. But I know that when the time comes for me to look back and recount memories that I will remember, I'm sure the experience will be one. Understanding how the soldiers I was with can sleep at night doing these patrols every now and then is difficult especially when you know the danger you will be facing. But unlike the many concepts that we learn in school (even those not in the military), the best lessons in life are those that were borne out of experience. To understand the importance and value of things comes through experiencing these things first hand.

When I conducted my Combat Patrol last Field Training Exercise a few days ago, I had with me the understanding of the importance of what I was doing. Although this was a simulated scenario, this isn't just an exercise to have a good grade, this time around, this is my time to learn and be prepared for the real thing.

To be continued

In the ARMY: Getting in terms with reality

So I begin to write after a very long absence. I did not realize that I was not able to say goodbye until I was already out of the Internet world. But then, the beauty of my hiatus is that I was able to gain more insight on my life in general and so the blogging continues.

A while ago, I started to write about the events that have happened in the more than 20 days I was out. I started to recall how I hated the climate at Fort Magsaysay and wishing that I will not be assigned in that area. But then I realized there was more to what has become of me beyond the heat I endured, I could say that I am a different person now.

I never thought that I will realize it this early but while I was away, I realized I was right in choosing to join the Army. I remember last March when I started to entertain the thought of making the wrong decision at choosing the branch of service I will join. Although I knew what I was going into, I wasn't sure that I really was up for it or if my decision was guided by divine wisdom. But I did choose carrying with me that uncertainty and a glimmer of hope that in time I will understand.

The Army, at least our Philippine Army, is not that glamorous as those that we see in war movies. Ours, as one officer would put it, was "laging kulang sa resources pero laging sobra sa trabaho." It wasn't good to hear that from a veteran soldier and as I try my best to bear with the scorching heat, my doubts grew, maybe I was wrong. The experience was compounded by road runs in full battle gear still under the terrible heat of the sun, I just wanted to collapse. But then again, I was already there and I clinged to that glimmer of hope I knew was there when I made my choice about a month ago. When I came to the Infantry Battallion I was assigned to for On the Job Training, I was met with a dilapidated barracks full of mosquitoes. To top it all, I hear the encouraging words of my Officer in Charge: "Maganda na tong Barracks na to, sa ibang units mas malala pa dito." There goes a good Army encouragement.

But then again, people do not stay in the Army for the reasons that made me feel bad about my choice. Though I wonder the implication of the choice I made, at the back of my mind is this feeling of assurance knowing that my father made the Army his career. So I continued.

The bunker I occupied in the Rifle Company I went to was no different from the barracks I had in the Battallion Headquarters. The only significant difference was that the mosquitoes were bigger and fiercer. In the first night, I immersed myself with reading the documents recovered during enemy raids and for a few hours I forgot all the complains I had and became completely into the heads of the rebels I will be fighting. The documents varied from poems, songs of both mainstream and revolutionary themes, their activities and believe it or not, unsent letters to their loved ones expressing their longings. Somehow, I could feel the humanity of the people that I will fight when the time comes. More than the ideologies that they were fighting for, I felt the uneasiness realizing that like me, they too are human beings.

Later into the night, I came face to face with a rebel who has returned into the arms of the government. His stories were glaring and although he was once fighting the government, like the people I vowed to protect, he was also lied upon by the same ideology that he once fought for. I realized that the people that I fight are also the same people that I protect.

The day ended with me retiring to the comforts of the hard surface that was to become my bed. I had to cover my ears so as not to be distracted by the constant murmuring of the insects around me probably conspiring to torment me in my sleep. There goes the beginning of my life in the Army.

to be continued...