Has love become a fearful thing?

What is it really with women? It has been long since I wrote something that has to do with people from the opposite sex but today, I just have to vent it out.

I have developed this habit of really scrutinizing every detail of people I meet especially the women. A few months ago, I received this letter from an unknown lady. It was a card that said that she saw my name and address at a 20 peso bill and wondered if the person was true. I thought that it was funny but did not do anything about it. A few days after, I gave the number that she wrote on the card to a classmate, I think they are text mates now.

And then there are of course my circle of friends that I meet every now and then. Well, I do meet a lot of people but seldom do I make it a point to really be friends with them. The reason is that I just feel bad knowing that I will have to stay inside these camp and will never enjoy their company. Such was the case of this young lady I met. She wasn't an exception to that rule but for some reason, I found myself becoming really friends with her. Not that there is more to it its just that when I do become friends with people, I become so engrossed and really make it a point that I appreciate the people that they are in my life. I do not believe in love (as in romantic) coming out of nowhere and do not think that by showing affection to people it simply means that you are romantically interested with them. The thing is "assuming naman sya" I should have known better.

I had this debate with a friend a few years back. Also one of the closest I have, she said that sometimes because of the way I do things and my obvious affinity to those of the female gender, they think that when I begin to open up and really make them feel that I appreciate them they feel like I am going to court them (excuse me!!!). Do I just stop showing affection to people altogether for fear of their assumptions or do I continue to do what I do?

I am confused really, how come some people are just afraid of affection? How come they refuse to believe on the good thing of people telling them that they like the kind of person that they are... What is happening to this world? Has love become a fearful thing?

Pulling it up

I realized that the best way to deal with my struggles is to face it head on and I am doing it just now.

PMA as most people already know is not an ordinary educational institution. Although it pride itself with having an excellent academic curriculum, one does not graduate by merely being academically brilliant. There are four actualy: academics, character, military and physical. These four are all important aspects of cadet training which all of us must pass. On this four I struggle with the last.

Not that I am physically weak, its just that I have trouble doing one of the events in our regular Physical Fitness Test; the Pull-ups. According to some of the research I have done, the pull up is the ultimate exercise to test a person's weight to strength ratio. It is also the best exercise for the back. Obviously, my deficiency is on that aspect. When the semester begun this year, we were told that there will be a change in the way the Physical Fitness Test will be performed. They imposed stricter standards and that is where I find myself in trouble. In the previous years, I was used to doing this jerking motion to be able to do the exercise, this year though the jerking is no longer allowed. I find myself not being able to do even one against the required nine for me to pass. Not passing it means not being able to graduate in March. There goes my trouble.

I am writing this now not because I am asking for some mercy but because i want to face my fear. My fear is to accept that I am weak on this aspect and that I need help. Being in my position, with many other cadets looking up to as their leader, it is not easy to accept ones weakness. Every now and then when I go about doing my duty, I ask myself whether or not I have the right to lead people when I can not even do one exercise that most of those under me can do perfectly well. This has taken its toll with my not wanting to ask for help thus this honest revelation hoping to be comfortable with the idea that I need help and I need it badly. It took a while for me to do the exercise in the presence of other cadets out of simple embarrassment. I really have to swallow my pride now.

Last night, I was in a meeting with my other classmates. The agenda was simple: Me and how to pass my PFT. Although I did not show it to my classmates, it was one of the first signs of hope I had in the many months that I struggled dealing with this problem all by myself. More than just my own problem, it became clear that it was also my classmates problem. As we say here, "A mistah is thicker than blood." After last night I knew that those bunch of people will do whatever it takes to see to it that I will be stronger and be triumphant over my struggle.

Today I made a vow to myself (and to the others who are supporting me), I am giving myself up to October 20. That's almost a month. My birthday is the day after that and my birthday present is me being able to pass my PFT. I am having a rough start but then I know it can be done.

Yesterday, I was reading a story about a South African Doctor by the name of Dr. Richard Mayoyo. He was a neurosurgeon who was accidentaly shot on the head causing his paralysis. He wanted so badly to go back to being a neurosurgeon, something that was impossible because of how intricate it is to operate on a person's brain and him being paralyzed. To make the long story short he did came back to becoming a neurosurgeon. Some say it was a miracle, but reading it I say it was the triumph of the human spirit. The triumph of Dr Mayoyo's spirit and all the others who did not give up on him.

I am beginning my own journey into the triumph of my own spirit. Just as how this blog has been a witness to many of my struggles as a cadet and how I managed to deal with all of it, this blog will be a witness to that. I am hoping that those who will read this blog will pray for my struggle. I will pull my spirit up and in the process become a better person... God Bless me

Just blogging

After my announcement last week, now is the only time tha I have something to write. I'm feeling better now and I'm done with all my exams for this semester so this is a good way to start.

The reason why I did not post for the past week was because I was into something that really occupied me so much. Looking back at it now, I feel that I should have written something about it for the pupose of being able to record the evnts that happened to my life in the past days. My hand is actually going on automatic in the keyboard because all the ideas are just comming out of my mind like flowing water from a dam that has not been opened for a while. Bear with me as I try to accomodate all of these ideas.

Developing new friendship are just some of the things that have occupied me in the past week. I did not know that it was possible but really I am enjoying the company of new people. I am discovering how lives can be so different yet so similar to each other. I realized that the way to another person's heart is to let go of your differences and treasure the things that bound you together as people. In the next coming days I will try to write more about this new friendship and somehow be able to really understand why it has really made something out of the totality of my existence.

My chances on my PFT are getting slimmer by the day and with all my academic requirements fulfilled for the semester, I decided to go on a rigid physical regimen in the next coming weeks to address this growing concern on my physical fitness as a cadet. I have been trying to read a lot about doing pull-ups and that is what I will try to do in the next weeks hoping that God will be faithful and bless me with the upper body strength I need to pass it. Please help me pray.

The 9th National Debate Championship is also fast approaching with PMA as host. There has been several problems that were encountered but I still say that the experience the participants will have with PMA as host will be something that they will remember for the rest of their lives.

I just realized that I really was not able to write something substantial but then again that is just how it is, maybe some other time. The thing is I am praying for the good things to come, help me people with prayers.... Thanks

Announcement

I just deleted a couple of messages from my shoutbox. Apparently not all people like the person that I am. I do not want to make explanations but then the truth is I do not see how people can be so happy at doing things to another person's blog. I will not react on the truthfulness of any of the comments mad, may be they are correct or maybe they are wrong, what I'll be doing is to keep on writing. I may not be the best person in the world but I also know that I can not please everybody. With this I would like to temporarily disable the shoutbox so as not to to further add injury to the person that I am.

To those who do not like the kind of person that I am just do not patronize me, I'm happy with the way I am and its definitely not my loss if you hate my guts...

For those who read what I write, keep on reading, I appreciate that...

The place where we are one

It's been a while since I had an enjoyable conversation. There have been several times that I just want to talk to people beyond my life as a cadet. I want to talk to them about areas other than the military, I wanted to talk about life as we live it.

I was talking earlier with some of our instructors and it was a rejuvenation of some sort. I was both excited and curious of their lives.

A typical day of a cadet consists mostly of routine activities that we do day in and day out. Life becomes so monotonous that at some point it undermines our very personality. We wake up in the same room, do the same things for the whole day, so definitely we do not talk about what happened to us during the day. The thing there is that we really have nothing to talk about because we share the same life.

This afternoon, I found myself in a company of my civilian instructors, telling me different things that are not in any way related to my existence as a cadet. At one point we were talking about career choices, about plans for the future. One wants to live a luxurious life, another a career in law. The conversation includes the ins and outs of the choices one is going to make in getting there, the implications of such decisions and of course, the fulfillment one get afterwards. In the almost an hour that we were sharing ideas, it was as if I was transported to a different world. It was a world where everyone is living their own life trying their best to reach their goal. In that world, I wasn't some cadet. I was a cadet and they were teachers; all of us want to have the life that we dream of.

I always say that dreams make the people that we are. Our ability to dream determines our courage to face each day believing in those dreams. In the group of people I was with, I did not have to worry whether or not I am going to Mindanao after graduation. I did not have to worry whether the things that I know are good enough to become a lieutenant. In that gathering, we were all dreamers, figuring out how to live our lives, thinking about ourselves and BEING OURSELVES.

The way a cadet spends his life are full of expectations that at some point just drains the very essence of the person that we are. Sometimes we are fed up with being cadets and longs to be treated just like any other human being with all the goals and aspirations that define the person that we are. Once in a while, we get those chances and we become whole again, we become rejuvenated.

Thinking about it now, I find myself back to my real world. I am inside a room full of people wearing the same clothes as I do. All of us are subjected to the same regulation, the same rules, the same everything. But being here and talking to my instructors earlier, I have come to a realization of the very essence of why I am here. As I live my life, enduring it's boredom and monotony, being envious of people who have more freedom, I realize that I am in fact in my place. I am at a place where the sacrifices that I make matter more than my individual dreams and aspiration. I am at a place that even though there are times that I just hate it here, somewhere out there people also have the same worries as I do, they too worry what to do with their life.

After this, I will go back to my room and sleep on my bunks. Tomorrow, I will wake up among the same group of pe0ple. I will then go on with my life and see the familiar faces that I had a conversation with the night before. And then I will realize, just like me we are all the same people. We are in fact all dreamers, living this life and hoping that we'll be good at it.