Extreme ends of the emotion spectrum

I do not know if to write two thoughts in my head right now is a good idea considering that the two are like on the extreme ends of the emotional spectrum. One is on the happy side and the other is on the sad side. But then to just choose either one of the two is also unfair, for these two things are in fact major things that seem to be in the same level of importance in the way things are with my life. I am stopping now with my romantic episodes, just wait for it to come by again.

A few hours ago, I had the surprise of my life when I was called up to report in my athletic uniform to the Sports and Physical Development Unit (That's SPDU for us, but really its just the PE department of regular colleges). The reason was that I was to begin a sort of grace period before I am finally given my last Physical Fitness Test (PFT) after which judgment day will come. So I went there not having any idea of what was in store for me. I later learned that I was to take a some kind of a mock PFT.

Having recently developed some form of pain on my shoulders after resting with my exercises during the break and then going back suddenly to a rigid physical activity when I got back, I had to deal with more fears as I felt that I was not physically prepared to go through the test. But then again, PMA is PMA and I did not have the choice. The first events are those that I usually pass, the standing long jump, sit and reach all of which did not bother me at all. The feeling was great until the imposing pull up bar stood in front of me. Although I know I have improved, coming in terms with the reality that this is the event that might just prevent me from graduating next March sent shivers inside my body. As I gazed at the bars, my heart was pumping and I was sweating despite of the cool weather at the time. Well I do not wish to dramatize the whole event because by the time I can no longer raise myself up enough to clear my chin over the bar, the count was already six. That's six from the zero that I had the last time I took the same exam. That means that I am actually three repetitions away from passing the test which translates that I am basically three repetitions away from seeing the President shaking my hand and handing me my diploma. For the first time since I started failing the event and thinking about it, I realized that I can do it.

So I am done with the happy part, this is the sad part. Having heard about stories of how death can be so sudden, it doesn't really stick to people since for most of us we try to ignore the reality of death. I mean talking about it somehow evokes a kind of taboo but every now and then we are confronted by it and suddenly we realized that life is just a mist that is here not but can be gone tomorrow. Last Monday, I had to say goodbye to my classmate who died in the V Luna General Hospital. Its sad when we hear the usual one minute prayers dedicated to those alumni who die but its sadder when a classmate dies. "More sadder" is when that person was not just an ordinary classmate, he was a squadmate. Well, I do not seem to have the energy to write details about it since its really just sad but I promise to write a really good one, a proper tribute to a mistah who made life in PMA more bearable just by being the person that he is. To my classmate who is now in God's Hand, I will surely miss your songs, the jokes that I sometimes have to analyze to be able to laugh and of course the lovable person that you are.

Well, that's basically it, I think I will be able to write more often now with the classes resuming and life going back to normal. I love you people...

This time it's about God

I have not been blogging as often lately but that is because the past month was so busy that it was really so hard to find time to sit in front of a computer still with an idea that is intact inside my head. Usually I have "bloggable" ideas but tend to forget it as I indulge into more and more of the activities. So I am just sorting through all the ideas in my head and write about the topic that comes into play. This time, it's back to romance... I have been receiving a lot of replies from people who just love it when I write about this stuff.

Over the break, the topic that stood out in all the conversations I had was with this topic. Not that I spend so much time contemplating about this idea but it just seems that more and more people are becoming interested over the state of my love affair that they can't help it but ask me. For one, my dad bugged me with the question of bringing someone (a romantic someone -- that is) home just like my other siblings have done (and that includes my younger brother who is not even 14). While I was busy watching the Lion King with my niece, my other brother's girlfriend arrived, and then suddenly my aunt started to look at me differently. I felt that she was like saying I'm the only one who has not introduced someone. Going to gateway to meet a classmate in the afternoon, the conversations turned into just confessions on what I think about this girl that was some kind of a fling until recent events happened and I was finally able to prove that I do not have a thing for her. Going back to the house that night, I again have to listen to my father's litany of how he was some kind of a Casanova in his time then leading to the question of how come I am not bringing or just saying stories of anyone. And then many other conversations that just keeps on revolving on anything that has to do with my romantic encounters so I'm just spilling it.

There really is nothing to spill about. Not that I am happy about it but there is just nothing to tell. I suddenly realized that I have come to an unintentional fasting on dating and being involved with people. I mean, not that I do not have days when I envy the people around me who have people to whisper sweet nothings every now and then. To be honest, there were even times that I felt so bad about my being single that I had this weird resolutions only to say that it was a stupid idea when I become sane again. In the past more than three years, I could honestly say that I have not been involved with someone. Again not that it was a personal choice, I think it was a natural outcome of just not making that conscious effort to find it. I think it was brought about by the idea that it will come in its proper time.

There is this girl that I wrote about in my last blog entry who still confuses me with her "not revealing too much" attitude. I have so many thoughts inside my head about her but I do not want her to read this entry and find out about it, she will just have to ask me if she suddenly decides not to be busy.

A while ago, I realized that it really wasn't about her, its really about me rather my belief of things. I realized that I was waiting for a confirmation of some sort. I think everything is in place and that I am just waiting for an act of God to say that I will take the plunge. Do I court her? Definitely not but I will continue to love her the way I know how to love people. I guess by now she knows that I love her, but then its not about me... This time it's about God

Heaven Sent

Forgive me for being out for so long and then being all of a sudden very romantic. But I guess periods come and the way my feelings are right now, I guess this is just inevitable.

With so many things going on right now inside the Academy (the 9th NDC and then Recognition for Class 2011) it is a surprise that romantic thoughts are the things that actually occupy my head the past days. I thought it was nothing but people seemed to notice. As of a few minutes ago from yesterday, I counted around ten times when people that I know actually go to me and ask me what's bothering me. It's obvious that there really is something that troubles me even to the people around me. And so I am confronting it.

The past month has been a blur on the things that I do for romance (or not). Its not like I really have a lot going on in this area but for the first time that I wore a cadet uniform, this area has become a major concern. Maybe it's because I am graduating in less than six months time and the next question that people ask me are all related to romance and, of course, marriage. From the little discussion that I have to major confrontations, it seems that the issue just keeps on bugging me. So this is a summary of my romantic episode.

I had a bad last relationship. It was bad because it came to a point that up to this day, I do not wish to communicate with that girl because of fear that everything will go back. A few days ago, she sent me a friendster message, trying to be friendly and all but I just ignored it. That is precisely the reason why in the succeeding years, I was just careful but hopeful. I ignored deliberate attempts by concerned people to hook me up with women on the premise that true love will find its way to me in God's time. There were several instances that I hated not taking so many chances in these area, but remained steadfast on the believe that good things are in store for me as God prepares me to be ready for that time to come. There have been several times when I find myself dreaming about a faceless bride but knew that when that bride finally will reveal her face, I would be happy. I know she will be from God.

That is the reason that when in my thirdclass year (that's second year of cadetship), I listened intently to a sign that I saw. People may think that I was imagining it or was simply trying to put some magic on my romantic encounters but deep in my heart I know there was something in that encounter. As I looked at her with the sun shining on her as she was asleep, it was as if my heart melted and I can not help it but cry. I knew that God was speaking to me, but I did not know what He's telling me. Coming back to Baguio a few days after that the thought never left me and found myself wanting to understand the feeling that I had as I was looking at her but did not know what to do since I was in Baguio and she was somewhere else... and we did not know each other. Later,I decided to act on it.

In the next one and a half year, I wrote her a letter a week (well at least I tried maybe missing not more than 10 letters). I told her stories about my life, about the things that I do in PMA, about my feelings on certain things about just about anything. I reasoned that if I made the effort to reach out, I am giving God the opportunity to do His thing and reveal what He was telling me in that fateful day. The catch is, she never wrote back only text messages, that said thank you or something like that. My classmates told me that I was being desperate. Somehow I could sense the truth in what they were saying but deep in my heart, I knew that I was following my heart. The one and a half year of writing those letters allowed me to examine my capacity to love people. The experience made me realize that love overflows in a person as long as he chooses to just love. I am a more loving person now because of writing her.

Well, people will ask why I stopped after one and a half year. The answer is that because my heart tells me that I should. As I told her in that last letter, I felt that I was being bad by continuing to write just because I was trying to make good with a promise that I will write her that often. I felt that I was betraying the message that I want her to understand because I was trying to be true to my words.

I kept with me all of the letters that I was not able to send (There were times that the letters that I wrote felt unfit for sending so I just kept it, I told her I will give it to her in the proper time). I also kept a bunch of the receipts that I got when sending those letters. More than those, I kept in my heart a memory of a beautiful lady that was to define the kind of loving person I am now or maybe the kind of loving person that I will be for the rest of my life.

Yesterday, I saw a piece of paper that was to canvass among the graduating cadets the words that they wished to be engraved on their mini-rings (the ring is a replica of the bull ring and has become some kind of a symbol of love given to a PMAers partner). Most of my classmates wrote their last names with the MRS. before it. Well that was safe since their mothers are MRS *family name*. But for me whose mother has already died, my MRS will definitely be my wife and I do not wish to preempt it. I spent the night thinking what I will write. I felt it has to reflect the kind of love that I wish to offer to that girl. I felt that although she is still the faceless bride in my dreams, she has to know that the ring was really hers in the first place. As I was writing this piece and having the chance to remember everything that I have been through in my romantic journey, I finally decided what to write.

Heaven Sent.

Update

It has been a while since I blogged. The days where just so busy that everytime I sit in front of the computer, I do not wish to think anymore. That is the reason why I am not able to compose any new blogs. But anyway, this afternoon, I had lunch with the members of the Veteran's Federation of the Philippines which visit the Academy annually. These are my thoughts during the lunch.


It is not the first time that I saw them entered the mess hall, but there was something different I observed as they started picking which seat to occupy. I saw their bull rings. Well some of these war veterans are actually graduates of my Academy and I just can't help but feel a sense of pride that in some aspect these brave old people and I belong to the same circle.

Yesterday, I was discussing with some of my instructors during a much anticipated free time preparing for the 9th National Debate Championship which we will be hosting starting tommorrow. I told them about how I feared being in my first real firefight, with me leading a platoon and soldiers (more battle seasoned than me) looking at me asking me for instructions in what we are going to do. Although the conversation was a bit funny, I kind of felt that my fears were creeping into my system.

Here's an update in my pull up problem. This morning I made four good pull ups and that people are actually noticing that I have become thinner. Well, I guess I still have a lot of work to do, but at least I have improved. I guess that's it for now, and by the way tomorrow's my birthday.

I love you people

Songs that touch the soul

I was watching the preliminaries of the Pacquiao-Barrera early today when during the singing of our National Anthem I just can't help but feel a deep sense of pride as Kyla sang it. I realized how songs can have some sort of effect on me as a person.

Honestly, I am a person who loves to sing. As a young boy, I would gaze at music sheets and try to sing them even though I do not know how to read notes. I joined choirs and other singing stints in school just to be able to do what I love doing. I remember that one of the first movies that I cried on was when Fievel and his sister was singing Somewhere out there in An American Tail. I knew at that time that singing or music had something to do with my emotional mechanism. In my brother's first birthday in the early 90's, I sang the same song with a sister. It wasn't that grand but it was the beginning of several opportunities that I will have singing to people in some family gathering.

Well, me and my dad's favorites are of course the novelty songs of Yoyoy Villame, which we usually sing in duet especially during parties with his subordinates. In one rare occassion just this year, I found myself singing Magellan (its the song about the story of how the Philippines was discovered by Magellan) in front of no less than the then Inspector General of the AFP and the then Commandant of Cadets (they are generals by the way). In high school, I use to cry as I sing songs to myself when I miss my mother. I could remember singing Alamid's Your love to myself at a time when I missed my mother terribly. I feel the music when I watch movies and become so engrossed with how the melody and the lyrics immerse me with such wonderful emotions. I think music has a way to communicate to my soul.

This afternoon, as Kyla was belting out our national anthem, I felt a sense of pride. I do not know how these feelings are but I knew that as she was singing, I was so proud to be a Filipino. The feeling was reminiscent of the time when I sang the PMA Alma Mater Song in civilian clothes as I dreamed of going back saying to myself that I just might not sing that song again wearing the cadet uniform. Well, 2 years after, I had the feeling of relief and deep sense of pride as I sang the same song already wearing my cadet uniform.

Maybe I am just being too sentimental but I guess the more my emotions are stirred by these songs, the more I understand the deeper reasons of the things that I value. I could say now that the feeling was brought about by a sense of national pride brought about by a Filipino who is a world-class boxer. Somehow, I feel that if only we are able to find that emotion in each of us we will be able to understand these events not as mere boxing matches but rather part of the reawakening of our pride as Filipinos enough for us to be motivated to help this country move forward.

Well in the end, Pacquiao won, but more than that, I think we should understand the deeper meaning of the things that we value and realize that there is more to it that what is obvious...