I'm having a heart attack

When we had our Company Christmas party this month at PMA, me and my classmates came up with this MTV with everyone of us (the firstclassmen) participating. The song was Dashboard Confession's Stolen My Heart. I promise to post that video once I go back to Baguio but nonetheless, my blog entry begins with the thought of that MTV and the fact that I am typing this blog at Lipa.

This is the third time that I am in Lipa. In all three occasions, I went here because of someone, the same person that I keep on writing about in these blog for the past two years. In my first time, I met a prostitute, the story of which is written in this blog entry. We spent the time playing a little game in Timezone and then her watching me consume one huge serving of crispy pata. The year after, I came on the 26th of December. I was still clueless what was going to happen but I just wanted to see her. We went around SM Lipa looking for an umbrella for her mother. I just love it when you accompany a girl in buying something. There is something in the way they make their choice that fascinates me. Although I do not understand it, I think that makes them the wonderful women that they are.

This year, my heart is pounding. A few hours from now, I will be going over to her house. I am clueless again especially that she is allowing me to enter her turf, something that is totally different from the past encounters we had. Well, the reason I am writing this is to somehow release the tension that I am feeling right now. To somehow prepare myself. I am actually both excited and nervous, I feel that I will be having a heart attack any moment now. As they said, be careful with what you wish for...

Well, ideas are surging inside my head. I am pretty sure that things will turn out fine, I know everything that I am feeling right now is just in my head, I do not need to be nervous (but I am) and I thought nine pull ups is harder.

God, help me to be the person that I am. Guide me to communicate my heart and let your will be done....

I love you people.

My Christmas gift: finally pulling it up

My eyes just opened at exactly six o'clock on my watch with nothing to do I went to the computer and had this typed up.

I'm sorry for not being able to update for more than two weeks. Many things have happened and frustration just came in one after the other. At last I'm done.

My last entry was a vow to pass my PFT. I thought that was simple. During that PFT, I made ten pull ups but the count was only six. The one who supervised me doing the exercise said that my chin did not clear the bar on the other four that I made. I went back to barracks that day a failure. I felt that I was cheated. I was already trying to set my mind on my fate when the Commandant gave a declaration during his speech in the CCAFP Christmas party the same day, "Those who failed are given one more week to pass the exam, they retake next week." That week became another test of humility. During that time, I had to go through another week of strengthening program under the watch of my classmate who was the Brigade PFT Officer. What tested me more in that experience was not my ability to perform the exercises she wanted us to do but to swallow my pride for my classmate and other cadets in that program and also to appreciate the effort of my classmate to help me pass the test and graduate with her in less than three months. At a time when I just hated everything that we were doing, I approached her and said: "Bok (its a term of endearment among classmates), hindi na ako natutuwa sa ginagawa natin, madalas napipikon na ako, pero alam ko na mahal na mahal mo ako at hindi mo ako hahayaang bumagsak kasi gusto mo sabay tayong grumaduate sa March. Pag medyo nakita mong masama na itsura ko, hayaan mo lang ako pero maniniwala ako sa'yo, pagtyatyagaan ko tong ginagawa natin." After that I did not speak to her anymore about any of the feelings I had over the exercises she was making us to do. In that one week, I actually appreciated my classmate in what I used to call her "pakialamera" attitude.

On the day of the retake, I really psyched myself up. I started to get nervous as I made my way to the pull up bar. Everything that has happened to me has come down to this one event and I thought that was enough. After the fifth count was given, the count did not move forward. The sixth was still counted as five until the eighth at which point I got really pissed of and just came down from the bar in defeat and disgust as to how the count was made. Its not that I am complaining, I really feel that something was wrong with the way it was done. The others also had the same observation as only four passed in the pull up event out of almost 20 who had the retake. I thought that was the end of it as we were already given another chance. When the Commandant talked to us after that, he gave us another hope. His final instruction was that we can not go on break until we pass that PFT. We can take it as much as we want, if we give up already then we go on break but we would have forfeited our cadetship. It was already December 22 and the feeling of wanting to go home became somewhat of a better choice than doing it one more time. But the highlight of that day was that of my classmate. His pull ups was basically 8 and 3/4. The one who counted him was actually contemplating on just counting the last one as a 9 and he wanted to push it for him to pass. Out of his desperation, thoughts like this were already coming out of his head and I can not blame him. We have been struggling for more than six months and it was an easy way out. When he told me his plan, I just have to remind him of the things that we value as a cadet. I shared to him something that I keep on telling myself every time I think of what he was thinking: Gragraduate ako dito kasi karapat dapat akong grumaduate hindi dahil dinaya ko (I will graduate here because I am worthy of that graduation and not because I cheated). As I told him that, I just have to shed a tear. The whole struggle was not anymore becoming a lesson of mere physical strength nor of humility, it was already a test of character. As we talked among ourselves moments after that close call, we consoled each other into saying that we will remember December 22 as the day that we stood on our Honor despite personal pressure.

I finally decided to make an attempt to celebrate Christmas at home. Early morning of December 24 I decided to take the exam and try to be home for Noche Buena. The frustration came early also as there was no one to supervise our test since everyone was apparently at home preparing for the midnight feast. I had to go et in touch with people but to no avail nothing came. At 12 noon, I was already contemplating on just spending Christmas inside my bunks by myself. Suddenly our names were called at the PA system, we are to take our PFT after all.

My chest was pounding as I started to do the first 5 pull ups. I never really managed to have a count more than 6 so when I heard seven, it was as if my body was on auto pilot and kept on pulling itself up that bar as the count increased. Finally, I heard it... the count was 9 and the cadets behind me where already jumping in celebration. I did it.

By 6 o'clock that night I was on a bus bound for Manila. at 11:30, my brother picked me up and I was home by midnight. I really am home for Christmas.

Looking at it now, the whole experience was indeed a journey of self realization. The events that unfolded did not go as I expected but as I said in my other entries regarding this, I will come out here a winner no matter what happens. To all the people who prayed for me, who cheered me on and the many others who believed that it can be done, thank you very much. To the God up above who continued to nurture me even amidst trying times, I am in awe at how He works. He gave me more than 9 pull ups, he gave me more faith and more grace. Thank you God and I bring you back all the glory.

I am an Unprofitable Servant

I am currently reading this book by Elisabeth Elliot entitled the Mark of Man. From being able to read John Eldredge's Wild at heart about two years ago, I have always sought out what the Bible says regarding being masculine. Somehow, my Christianity has led me to the understanding that my individuality is not based on how I want myself to be but on how God intended it to be. Considering that I am in the midst of learning another dimension of submission to the will of God, I am trying to digest what I have been reading in relation to the things that are happening in my life now.

Many people I know has reacted violently on some of the principles I decided to live my life with. I remember a time when this one person was trying very hard to convince me against a decision I already made saying that I was doing something stupid. We never did agree with my explanation on why I made such decision but I think the good thing that came out of that initial conflict of idea we had was that she was able to understand the kind of person I am and respected me for it.

I have not always been proud of the things I made in my life. I mean, I have done things that I regret but in the many times that I failed and learned my lessons, I am proud to say that I have become a better person. As they say, experience does teach us valuable lessons that leave an imprint in our hearts and mins. So going back to the topic of manhood and all, despite of my stupidity and sometimes impulsive behavior, I seek out the kind of person God wants me to be and although I do not feel very good about it all the time, the decisions I made based on that understanding of my life has led me to this situation I am in.

Jesus said: When you have done all, you are unprofitable servants. These words were spoken on the topic of how we are to go about our roles as children of God. Looking at it blankly, one would say that it is a cruel conclusion for "doing it all." In my situation now, the statement takes a greater meaning, even more than what I thought I could muster as I confront my present misery.

Those who follow my blog will have an idea what is this misery that I am talking about. It is the misery of surrendering the one thing that you value most in your life at present. It is surrendering a dream to the will of God that is still unknown to me. It is acceptance of a fate that is uncertain. It is fearfully facing life as it is happening clinging only to faith. I think about all the things that will happen to me after December 13, how I hate that a deadline is already in the horizon without me not knowing how to overcome it but end up conceding to surrender. Surrender to a more powerful force way beyond my imagination.

Now with the way I am illustrating the things that I am feeling right now, many would think that I am in fact accepting defeat. Believe it or not, I am not. As I have realized earlier while soaked in sweat doing my exercises, I am still in the race and will finish it unless I am told that I can not. The things that I am saying now are actually realization... these are revelations of a growing faith that is trying its best to detach how I want things to be according to what I want from a Will that I have accepted as what is best for me even if I do not necessarily understand it.

This blog is a witness to my aspirations of wanting to become a cadet of the Philippine Military Academy. It became a testimony of my struggles as a cadet and learning it's many facets. Now, this will become a chronicle of how God will define the kind of person I will be as I confront my fears and surrender it all. I do not know what happens next, but I know that the events that will unfold will be a miracle from God.

Let us continue praying, there are three more days...

Pulling up some more

I wrote earlier about this issue between the Press and the Government over the incident at the Manila Peninsula Hotel but decided to delete it for fear of saying something that might jeopardize my being part of the government. Instead, I will write about other things.

Yesterday, I was informed that my Physical Fitness Test will be on the 13th. On that day, if I will not pass that test, I will not be graduating on March. Let me explain why this is so as I have already done in some other posts in this blog, I really just have to put all of this out.

The Physical Fitness Test is a test that we are required to pass. Its like one major subject which involves running, push-ups, sit-ups and the dreaded (at least for me) pull-up. The standards were changed this year (no jerking movement allowed) and I have not passed the pull-up event. I was given an ultimatum and the 13th is the end of it, if not I will be suspended and join the next class that will graduate on 2009.

The reason why I am writing this is somehow to just put out my frustration and fear over the things that might happen to me in a week's time. From not being able to perform at least one repetition, I was able to make six last month. I then have to go through this program from the Sports and Physical Development Unit, the next thing I knew I can not even make one. Last night I tried practicing but was only able to make four which was already very hard for me. My theory is that the program destroyed my method in achieving my goal and in this institution its not like I can complain. I am not actually giving up but in my mind I am contemplating that it might just be possible that I will fail that test next week, I am actually trembling in fear as i write this.

A long time ago, I had this assurance of a promise that I was to graduate from this Academy and do wonderful things for the Lord. I did not know how that was possible then but I suddenly found myself back at the Academy. I knew then that it was the fulfillment of that promise. I know I have not been that perfect but I was always aware that I was being taught valuable lessons because I was being prepared to do things. Now I am in this situation and suddenly my faith is shaken. A couple of years ago, I was asked if I was willing to surrender the one thing that was very important to me. I have always spoken about surrender and now I am being called to surrender the most important thing I have in my life -- my cadetship and the hope to graduate in 3 months time. I feel that I have done what I am supposed to do preparing for my test, losing a lot of weight and exerting so much effort to exercise. I am writing this now because I want to document this journey of mine, although becoming sad, but still believing that this is all part of God's plan for me and really embracing the true essence of surrender... to surrender even to failure believing that God will be there to catch me.

This is the other entry about the same problem Pulling it up

Anyway, I am asking for prayers. I do not want prayers for me to get what I want but prayers for me to totally surrender what God wants for me. I am very afraid of next week but I am believing that God know what is best for me even if I do not feel good about it... This might just spell the end of diaries from Melchor Hall... I might go back to writing my diaries from the OUTSIDE WORLD... I need your prayers people.

Refreshing news

I was glad that when I found yesterday's paper the front page was missing. I just hated how all of the news (especially those in the front page) had something to do with that stunt at the Manila Pen last thursday. With the front page nowhere to be found, I had the chance to read other news that was refreshing despite of the latest blow in the stability of our political climate.

First off was the E-jeepney or the electronic jeepney currently gaining ground in major cities around the country. The night before, I spent until almost midnight watching Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth sleeping afterwards fully convinced that something had to be done. So the electronic jeepney is not only a welcome news but moreso something that provided hope. In the article from the Philippine Star that I read, a lot of other benefits can be derived from the use of this vehicle with zero pollution as it is electrically powered. Other advantages include its impact on our transport system and of course our economy as the producers of this vehicles are proudly pinoy. I was even more excited when I learned that local governments are actually reacting to this new development in a very positive manner with Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay promising to propagate the use of this vehicles in his City. Other Local Government heads are following suit and I am hoping that in due time this development begins other things that will help our country.

As I read further, I can not help but laugh at the irony of one news item I found in the papers. It was about the capture of one prominent leader of Communist Party. Her daughter said that her mother is not part of the rebel group as she only went to Manila to have her badly needed check-up. The joke is that when the "alleged" rebel was presented to the press at Fort Bonifacio her first statement was, "Isulong ang rebolusyon at ang pambasang demokrasya (Forward the revolution and national democracy)!" he he

Well, I think despite of the bad things that happened in the past days, a lot of things in our country are reasons to be hopeful that something good is in store for us. I think more than the negative issues we can find in our dailies, we should also read all others in the paper that indicate a good future for us.

I love you people...