Regret is the word part 2

Regret is the word I describe it. I’m sitting in front of the computer trying my best to compose my thoughts. I’m trying my best to put reason all these feelings I have. I do not have an idea how this will come to an end but what I do know is that this is not something that I just made up. This is something that affects every minute detail of my body, every intricate characteristic of everything that makes me who I am. I have started to doubt my true identity because of what I am feeling and although I try so hard to fight this feeling, to just ignore the feeling, I am perfectly aware that this is interconnected with my soul.
As the words are coming out of my head, I remembered the first time I saw her. She was wearing a printed blouse. Her hair had a pony tail and although she wore very little make up, her features were so obvious; she was beautiful, an angel. I’m trying my best not to forget that exact moment where she looked away and when she looked back she wore her smile, the smile that made my heart melt, and the smile that made me realize that the world is not that bad, that somewhere in the world is a taste of paradise even in one brief moment. I feel shivers reminiscing the way she walked away from the table, although full of apprehensions, she was just a sight to behold something that I could go on staring for the rest of my life. The night was a blur; our little conversations did not change anything that I have felt. At the end of it all, I resolved, she was simply the reason why there is a God.
I can no longer make out the words to write some more but what I do know is that in truth this is me. It is not about the people around me or about my aspirations, my dreams, my life, this is simply about me. The me that makes me the one that makes me who I am. I realized that letting go of this is accepting that I am no longer me; I am somebody else and will forever pretend that I am another person, away from what is intended of me in this world. Tonight I go back to my own world hoping that in some distant future regret is no longer the world but rather something to the tune of hope, patience and maybe love.

Regret is the word

My mind is being fed with ideas of regret. Its an unholy hour and I'm doing some movie marathon just like the olden days when I was not a cadet. The last movie that I saw reiterates the word regret and I do not want feeling that. I have come to the conclusion that this is the only chance that I get and it is now or never. I will never be able to have another chance and that I will have to make most of whatever situation there is. I am referring to this thing that for the longest time I adored somebody the way I adored a young lady when I was 15. I remembered the time when I went head over heels for this young lady that I hoped things will just stop the moment we were together. I remembered the look in her face when we were chased by dogs somewhere in Baguio and almost hugged me out of fear, I realized then that she was perfect. Of course I remembered the countless embarrassment that I had to suffer when she forces me to go into the lingerie section of any department store and asks me which ones I like in the middle of people. I remember the movie Princess Diaries, when all bad feelings just faded after fighting over some petty thing. I remember the kiss when saying goodbye at the bus station....... My goodness, the feeling is so real yet so distant... regret is simply the word.... there is no question about that. Last year I was able to find her number asked her if we can meet but then she declined-- she was going out of town with her BOYFRIEND. Am I being rational or I am just allowing all the emotions to go way over my head? I'm counting the YEARS.. yes we were together for 3 years and though what remains are little neo print pictures, I wished I could take back the regret. I want to have that feeling again and so I begin to think.

Here I am, making most of the last remaining hours of my freedom but actually dreading its end, will I take the plunge or will I stall and wait. Waiting is not a bad option but can I deal with this feeling longer? Will I be able to really convince myself that something will just remain available for me after months or maybe years? I'm laughing at myself for writing this I just hope she reads this and understand that this is for her. O God... help me!!!

Leaving people into the unknown

I'm being nostalgic today. Tomorrow night, I will be going back to Baguio and go back to what my life really is. Two weeks is so fast and eventually I just have to go back and leave people behind. What saddens me are the friendship that I could have nurtured if I was just here to "make kulit" at them everytime I feel like. I realized that this is the sad thing about being incarcerated in the Philippine Military Academy, you meet people, you feel good about them but you'll never really be close with them because by the time you decide to do that you will soon be leaving them and what is left are simple text messages. I feel particularly bad about meeting this one person not because the person is some obnoxious prick, but because I feel so good about this person that it feels so sad knowing that I will just have to be contented with the fact that I won't be able to nurture my friendship becauase I will go back to PMA. What is sadder is the fact that the person is a SHE and that although I do not have intentions of courting her at this point, I started praying and when that happens to me it is a good sign. Maybe my prayer will just work, but the uncertainty of what might happen with this acquaintance is so haunting and I just can't help it but feel really really bad especially that I'm not getting the signs that I wanted. I hope people won't laugh at me for pouring my frustrations in this website (I could already hear Yaser's wicked grin) but then if you can't handle the times when my feelings are just way over my head then don't read I hope your brain stops working hahahaha..... I'm being really really out of sense... I'm ending this now... forgive me people

Meeting new people and hoping friendship blooms

I had the time of my life last night attending the graduation party of somebody I met during the wedding last friday. I was really suprise to being invited in that party primarily because we just met plus of course being uneasy of not really knowing what awaits me in that party. But then, with a week to go before going back to Baguio plus the prospect of expanding my circle of friends, I went and had a very good time. Its really not everyday that you meet the people that you like meeting. I mean, with the variety of people, we all have our preferences and for me I always go for the intellectual but not the nerdy types, those that have all the confidence in the world and will not be intimidated by somebody who has all the opinions on everything. For once I thought that the world has lost this type of people, those that I can actually talk with and hope that time just stops. Maybe because I have very little time in freedom that I kind of have this feeling of not having the opportunity to nurture friendship with people like those. PMA can be so lonely and sometimes I really do wonder how am I going to survive the next years with minimal social interaction with the people I actually like. Maybe that is why this blog has been so helpful at least the internet is some place where I can just pour my heart out even if I completely have no idea who's reading and how they perceive me based on the things that I write. But then again, with my life, I simpy have no choice but to find other avenues to express myself without jeopardizing myself as a cadet. Mind you one week after going on break, I could say that the most memorable times that happened where those times that I spent with people that I like and just talking about anything. Some cure to my loneliness and yet the feeling that it brings me kind of dreads the day when I will be boarding the bus again back to Baguio where I will be stuck again for another period of time. Its a good thing that we have academics when I go back at least time will just be a breeze. Right now typing this thoughts kind of gives me the urge to just pray that the friendship that I encountered will not cease to bloom the moment I go back to my life as cadet, I hope to be able to go beyond what most people do and just dig deeper into this and perhaps make the best relationship out of this people..... why is it that PMA has to be that lonely.... Well, this is how it should be and I know this feeling will pass and by the time I know it I will be bringing with me my bags again and then spending time with the people that I love....

Thoughts from the movie "Spanglish"

It was not part of the plan to watch the movie but all of the sudden I find myself inside the movie house and enjoying what I first thought was a comedy but in reality was a heart warming movie full of lessons about family and parenting. I can not remember the last time that a movie was able to touch me the way this movie did. There was indeed comedy and the movie house had a lot of laughter especially on scenes that involved the language barrier between Flor (Paz Vega) and Adam Sandler's Family (I forgot their surname). In reality, the comedy was just a strategy to portray family and parenting from the heart. I surely would not hesitate to recommend the movie and I'm very sure that people who have seen the movie will themselves examine their attitude towards parenting and family in general.