The thing that changed

It is hard when there are just so many thoughts inside your head. The moment this window appeared, all of those ideas seems to race out of my head all wanting a piece of the space intended for this blog entry. Something has happened inside me and I am just about to describe it.

A person that I truly care about has always commented in my being spontaneous. I have always believed that following my heart was the way to do things even if I do not understand why I do it. Last December 23, while I was sharing pizza and some pasta with a very good friend, we were talking about whether or not I was in love. Yes, the love topic is back in my system. She was telling me that if I really wasn't in love, why is it that I am devoting so much time and effort into making this lady feel that she is special. She further asked me why is it that I do not do it to others, even to her although we are the best of friends. I also wondered and my reply was that I was being spontaneous. I reasoned that to be in love with a person that I barely know (I am admitting that I barely know her considering that we haven't really spent that much time together) is an idea that even I do not believe to be possible. I would like to think that I am doing what I do because that is what my heart tells me to do and my soul just feels so good doing it to her, if that is how being in love is then it might be. The discussion did not have a definite conclusion. Instead, I spent the next days thinking and evaluating my feelings.

I remember the time when I started seeing her differently. It was early in the morning while the rest of the world was in slumber. As the sun crept inside the room we were all resting, it was as if there was some kind of a spotlight pointed at this sleeping beauty. I resolved that it was God showing me something and she was the object of that something. From that day, I wanted to find out that something. Well, PMA does not really allow that to be an easy possibility. But then there was something that I felt I needed to do and I decided to do it even if I was in PMA and she was some place else. For some reason, there is some sort of unlimited energy that allowed me to do write her a letter week after week. Although there were times that I felt I was not going to keep on doing it, I did and the weeks became months and now it will be a year. I still do not have the slightest idea what is it that I have to find out. I am taking a chance without really directing what is it that I want to happen. I am waiting for another whisper, another sign that I do not know will come. I am living life, and enjoying it as I try to figure out what is it that I have to learn in this great adventure where this girl is a major character.

Now I am in some place and I just saw her earlier today. Nothing special really but it was to go down as a very important memory in my life. There were no sweet nothings nor romantic moments. It wasn't like those that we see in movies and there was definitely no Judy Ann Santos or Ryan Agoncillo among us. Although there were few stolen glances from me into her eyes, I still wondered if the eyes that I saw evoked some kind of message that I have to understand. Life went on when we parted ways. The thought still lingers inside my head and some of it have found themselves in this blog. I figured that life will still be the same after, even when I go back to PMA and resume my weekly letters. But as I said something did change and it happened as we were standing in front of candles that I did not know the reason why it has to be lighted. On her back as she was saying her prayers, I took the longest glance I could remember. It maybe because of the ambiance in that church or any other reason that I will never understand. As I was looking at her, there was a familiar feeling, it was the same as that when that spotlight appeared while she was sleeping more than a year ago. This time, it wasn't something that I did not know. It was something that I wished would last forever. Then I said my own prayers, and I said:

"Lord, I do not understand why all the candles are here, or what all the things around here had to do with faith. I am very sure of my faith and I do not see anything wrong with those who practice their faith differently from me. In the same way that You know how my faith is, I would like to think that You also know how I feel for this young lady in front of me and just as what I always do when it seems that I am so sure of my feelings, I give it up and allow You to do what You have to do."

Before she turned her back to look at me, I was already able to wipe a drop of tear that I was trying to stop while I was saying my prayers. I hope she did not notice.

A Christmas thought

Last night, while waiting for Christmas Day, I was composing a text message for someone. It wasn't the ordinary Christmas greeting that we forward to all the people we know. I was making something unique that I willl only send to someone special. I do not remember the exact words but it was about how the Holiday Season's can allow us to think about the many things in our life and realize how wonderful it has been. More than than, the season allows us to identify why our life is wonderful.

That was how I felt last night, while I was watching Smallville waiting for midnight. Our Noche Buena is not that grand, we had spaghetti, liempo and then Buko Salad. That was how it has always been. There was never really a time that I remembered that we prepared that much for our Christmas feast. In the previous years, there were serious problems, but then we have come to this point. In some way, I could say that we are better than others... we had spaghetti and liempo and our salad was not some ordinary salad, there was Ice cream mixed to it. I remember the time when all we had then was a bucket of KFC, it was fun.

I really do not know how to describe it but there is some thought that might just make my point. A cousin spent Christmas with us last night. I have not seen her for very long and we had so much things to tell each other. While walking around our village she noticed how the houses around us are so much different. Even I was surprised because it seemed that it was only our house that never went through renovation through the years. My younger brother had a witty reply:

"Kami kasi walang magulang. Kung may magulang kami ngayon wala ng pinag-aaral mga magulang namin kaya ang gagawin na lang nila magpaganda ng bahay. Yung mga kapitbahay namin mga magulang yan na walang magawa sa pera nila kaya pinaganda nila ang bahay nila"

It dawned to me that although our life has not been that good compared to our neighbors. Eventhough our house is already starting to show signs of old age, inside it live three young men who are somewhat survivors in their own right, overcoming all odds and still surviving despite of all the troubles in life. I could say that we are better off that others, we have survived through the years completely on our own and by the grace of God we are good people.

I guess Christmas is not really about all the lavish preparations and big gifts, I think its a time to be thankful that life is still moving forward and that God is still in control in our lives. I have come to realize that the wonderful thing in my life is the fact that it still endures everything that comes with and still continues to look forward to the unknown future full of hope and determination to overcome every test that it has to offer.

Christmas Greeting

Its almost Christmas and I'm home.

Wala lang masaya, I do not have the sanity to write something good. I am just happy that I am home for Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone....

On the Military Organization

In the latest issue of the Corps Magazine, an officer wrote an article entitled "The Relativity of being snappy." It was an article marked by an officer's obvious concern over the restlessness of many cadets regarding the many changes and the criticism that they are contended with. It did not only was very logical but it was something that most of us, the cadets. have not seen. We failed to see that there are also others who find certain realities in the Military culture absurd.

I say this because I have always encountered not so good comments about writing things in this blog. Not that I am not able to handle it but because I pity those who fail to see that there is really no contradiction between being a soldier, having a point of view and expressing these views. It is true that our military organization is very rigid, traditional and sometimes harsh. This is the way it has been since time in memorial and to a certain extent, this has also caused some of the lapses in the organization.

In the article that I was talking about, the officer specified about this prevailing belief that those who have come ahead are in a way "more snappy." It seems that they are always right, their ideas are better and in case of any conflict between another, it is the seniority that decides. I believe this is true because in our military culture, the subordinate does not question, he simply follows. This may be beneficial especially in situations that need immediate action, but in the long run the same culture is the very disease that undermines the organization.

The military organization is made up of unique individuals with their own sets of attributes that can be used for the organization. Each one has a role to play to the accomplishment of a task at hand. The thing with the seniority is that, to a certain extent, ideas are not that much evaluated for the simple reason that the organization does not appreciate soldiers who have their view on things. Take the example of the recent comment in this blog saying that I was being very "civies." He was saying that because he has a made up idea on how is it to become a cadet. He has drawn the line on the distinction between the cadet and the civilian. I now wonder, who made this definition? Of course, that comment will just be immortalized and I will not even dare to confront the one who made it for the simple reason that it might come from someone who is my senior. But I will write about it in this blog and hope that the person reads it. Who was it that decided how I should act? Why is it that there is no written directive that I have encountered that specifically defines that I should be like this and like that? Again, it boils down to seniority, its just that he's more senior than I am... end of discussion... I lost.

Now going back to that article, it concluded in saying that by boosting the self esteem of the cadets to be confident in their decision making and going about what they are supposed to do actually strengthens the organization. Instead of the comparing and insist that I undergo the same experience that they went through in the days when having a computer was for the rich people and that cellphones were a status symbol, I would like to think that being overly critical is not contributing anything to me or to how I perform as a soldier. I would like to make the assurance that I am doing the best of what I know I should do in my capacity as a cadet and as a soldier of the people. We may not exactly agree on how I do it but this is my own experience and I am entitled to it.

Blog...blog...blog

I already started writing an entry last night but then there was a brown out, so I have to remember my thought last night and write it all over again.

For the record, I would liek to state that I have somewhat recovered from my frustration. Somewhat because I still feel bad thinking about it but now I am not that depressed and looking forward to working again. As originally projected, everything was on schedule and although I may not get credit from it, I am still proud that it was my achievement no matter how many people will complain or react that I am being proud. Please allow me to feel a sense of fulfillment for something that I did.

Anyway, I would like to blog about blogging per sec. I have always claimed that this is where I pour everything that I feel. I have often caused reactions both good and bad but this is how I am. I feel bad over things that I aspire for and do not get, I become bored and I come up with absurd ideas. The thing is I have the right to write about these things even if my grammar is not exactly perfect and even if people will perceive me negatively. This blog presents the real me, totally unadulterated. In this blog, I am free. I am not a cadet bounded by rigid rules, nor I am some sick person who longs for acceptance or recognition. I am being myself and if you do not like me then don't trouble yourself with reading what I have to say, there are more than enought websites out there that you can go to that has what you want to read about. The truth is it doesn't matter much how people react to anything that I write, I write because it is my form of expression... PERIOD.

Well, the break is in a week's time and I am very excited to be free at last. I have so many things in mind right now and am contemplating of planning out what I want to do during the period. I know Christmas will be fun this year and I am looking forward to another wonderful year ahead. Time flies so fast and by January I would have blogged in blogspot for 2 years, all in all Ang Munting Bukayo is 5 years old, imagine that!!!

There are so many things that want to talk about but there seems to be not enough time to contemplate and organize those things in my head. I will try to organize those little by little and write about it. I have just finished watching Lovers in Paris. By the way, Mitch Albom's new book For one more day is a good read, I was in tears reading it.

That's all for now... I love you people and Merry Christmas...