Nakakainis!!!

Sometimes things are just irritating. Last night a very good friend of mine sent me a text message saying that I look like a "tangengot" in my new picture posted at friendster (you just have to see it yourself). Eventually, our conversation lef to other topics until finally it came to having the worst day of her life. You see, I love this girl. I mean, I would do anything just to make sure that she is happy. Every now and then she tells me story of her new love life and just last December she went with this guy to Davao where she met the guy's parents, as I would call it "namanhikan" sya. She used to write me all the time and sends me text messages every now and then. Then suddenly she was just silent. I presumed she was pre occupied with her love life and that she was happy. I was feeling jealous at times actually because of what happened then she tells me that she had the worst day of her life and all those nonsense. I hate to think that she's sad and I can not do anything about it. I hate it that I always wanted her to be happy and that some guy she met will just make her sad. I definitely hate it that she has not kept in touch only to find out that she's not as happy as I thought she'd be. Tama ba namang sabihin nya lang sa akin na ako naman daw lagi ang taga solve ng heart break nya. My God, bakit kasi ang mga tao pag umiibig ayaw ng mag-isip tapos ang ending ako rin pala ang taga salo. Hindi sa ayoko ha, I mean sabi ko nga I would do everything to make her happy. Kaya lang at this point, I get to understand what a heartbreak does to a woman. I mean, a woman who met someone who made her cry is definitely very vulnerable. Madalas pa even if they do not admit it they believe that it's their fault. Nakakainis kasi papatol sila sa mga walang hiyang lalake tapos pag sumablay kasalanan nila. And then you just have to rebuild their confidence, kailangan ipa feel mo sa kanila na they are beautiful and that they are special and that it was the loss of the guy and all those crap, and then when all is said and done, makakahanap sila ng ibang lalake tapos makakalimutan ka na naman nila, maalala ka na lang nila pag na heart broken na naman sila, and yet you still do it kasi you love them. Ganun ba talaga yun? Naisip ko nga kagabi dapat ang patulan nitong ni Hiyas eh yung somebody who loves her more than I love her. Grabe pwede kaya yun, ewan ko but in the recent years that I have been with her, I have grown to love her that much na tipong I can not imagine how sad life would be if she wasn't my friend. But then just a reminder, hindi ko sya type (ngeks!!!) that I know for sure. Naisip ko lang na since she is so brilliant malay mo maging somebody great sya at least I can brag na I know that person. But really, why is it that people do not realize that friendship is where it all begins? Grabe kinilig lang sa words na pambobola, tama ba namang ipa mukha sa akin na mas magaling sa akin yung boylet nya when it comes to words, so what kung mas magaling sya sa akin in that area... what now, nabola ka nga... hahaha I hope she reads this... naiinis lang kasi ako that some men can not just understand that women should never be made to cry, they should be loved. Hindi naman masama siguro if we love all women, aba kahit na wala kang romantic interest it just might happen na may kilala sila na magkakaroon ka rin ng romantic interest, and now thinking about it I realized wala pang kilala si Hiyas na nagkaroon ako ng romantic interest tapos pag may kwinento pa ako sa kanya about my romantic interests madalas kontrabida or suspicious pa sya. Pero so far naman with my new stories hindi pa naman sya nag react negatively although baka kasi dahil heartbroken nga sya. Well nakakainis nakakainis at nakakainis.... sige I'll go to my dentist now.... ciao!!!!

A very long afternoon

Except for the mornings of Saturday where there is the usual inspection on everything from the Barracks, to the rifles, uniforms up to parades the weekend is usually a time to rest for the cadets. Yesterday, I was very tired from the activities in the morning that I slept the whole afternoon. I watched a DVD and then slept again. This afternoon though, I was not able to sleep that long enough. By three o'clock, I was already wide awake with nothing to do. My phone did not receuive any message whatsoever and as I lie there I was just restless. I started to think of things that I can do. As of the moment I have three unread books with me. Surprisingly, I don't seem to get into the mood to read my books. I was just there wide awake DAYDREAMING. Imagine I haven't even removed the plastic of the latest Paulo Coelho Zahir but I chose to lie there and think. Later I started to be restless. I did not know what to do, I started texting people "nababaliw na ako". I really was being "baliw". For the first time in so many years I felt I lost my confidence on things. I felt that I was not certain about things to come, I felt that I just had to have a confirmation. Well those feelings are actually because of the recent events. Imagine how weird my feelings are nowadays. I can basically sit in my study table and just wonder about things. I am beginning to think that I am becoming very sensitive. Last night I almost cried because my classmates do not want to watch the movie that I wanted to watch, Imagine ang babaw ko na ngayon. I guess I am really mesmerized and the restlessness is perhaps those feelings that I just have to go through for me to get a better grasp and appreciation of things to come. It was really a very long afternoon and I just have to bear with my insanity, this time with no people to talk to (imagine sharing my "kalandian" with the proud and might cadets of the Philippine Military Academy) I know I am not making any sense here but really my feelings these days can only be described as weird, can anybody tell me what is happening? Please.........

What dreams may come...

This is not a review of the movie that starred Robin Williams. This is just a thought that I had in the past days, the usual, the things that I kind of thought of that I am not able to tell the people around me.

Anyway, last night while I was ironing my uniforms for the next day, my roommate asked me if I really was in love. You see, these past days he has been calling me an addict. Not so long ago, I kept on calling him an addict because he was so restless with his cellphone. He can not stand not looking if there was a message and he can stare at it for a very long time just to wait for any text message. At that time, I think he was courting his SECOND girlfriend. Maybe he has observed that on me now. And thinking about it I just might be-- an addict that is. But then, I answered his question in the negative. I reasoned that one can convince himself that he is in love to a beautiful lady. I can claim that I am in love with a beauty queen for the simple fact that they are beautiful, as a text message would put it Men fall in love through the eyes while women through the ears. The truth is nowadays, I find myself imagining things that I have not been imagining before. One time during breakfast, when it was still dark, I was enthralled by the sun rays that was little by little creeping inside the mess hall. I imagined how good that sight is when viewed from the top of Tower '66 (its actually an 80 feet tower where cadets practice rapelling), but more than that I could now imagine viewing it with another person. And then just during my Research class a few minutes ago, I was dreaming about dedications for my graduation message come 2008, about the Ring Hop (it is a traditional formal dance where the graduating cadets honor their loved ones by giving them the Mini Class ring usually it is given to either the fiance or the mother). I do not want to go into the details of this imaginations I am having recently as it will just incriminate me, but really those imaginations has bearing in my answer to the question of my classmate. So I answered, I am not giving a definite answer to his question. I feel so good about the things that are happening but things will happen in due time and when that time comes it will be so perfect that I'll be so happy that allowed it to happen that way. But then he asked me, aren't you afraid of what might not happen because you are doing nothing? That question actually bothered me, I realized that he may be correct. The discussion did not go further but later that night as I lay on my bunks, I contemplated in the question that stung me. Finally, I started to pray perhaps praying was the thing that was the answer to his question, it may really seem that I am doing nothing and yes I am afraid, but when nothing seems to be certain-- in the end it's about Faith, it's about God who will do what He has to do. I was short of crying; totally afraid, but deep inside despite being fearful I knew that it was really about faith. Yes, dreams are there for us to treasure, for us to have meaning in our lives, for us to be happy about living, but in the end dreams are actually reasons for us to have more faith knowing that in this world we are living nothing is certain except in God who loves us so much who will do what He has to do for us to understand that living is not about us controlling out lives, it's about faith.

Patience is a virtue

I have strange realization recently, I have come to realize how patience can teach a person so much about everything there is to learn about life. It was only now that I learned to overcome being impatient, in previous instances I was patient simply because I did not have the choice. When I wanted to go back to PMA and was "patient" for three years to be able to go back it was as if I can do it faster, I just had to bear with the passing of time hoping that in the end I will get what I want. But in so many instances in my life I haven't really been that patient. In so many other instances in my life, event on major areas, I oftentimes ignored other things and simply wanted to shortcut everything sometimes at the expense of other people's feelings. I do not want to go into the details of these things but my conclusion is that I simply suck at patience.

Last night while waiting for the bus going to Baguio, I sat at Starbucks with my foster sister over some drink and we practically talked about things. We were talking about the things that I did during the break, and at the same time I was sharing my thoughts about so many things. I was telling her that I am being mesmerized by this girl I met and felt really really good talking about it. I recalled the countless times that I just felt lonely and you know what I realized that it was simply because I was impatient. But really what gave me the insight was my conversation with this prostitute I met in Batangas (I am writing one whole article for the Corps Magazine about this "interlude" with this prostitute so I am not giving any details yet especially on the "things" that we did :) ) I was talking to her about the nature of sex. I mean having recently read Paolo Coelho's 11 minutes my insights about sex are still very fresh. I asked her if God really created sex just to satisfy our urges? I told her that my belief on God is someone who was magnificent who was all knowing and I refuse to believe that in all His wisdom and knowledge He simply created the act of sex for the mere satisfaction of our sexual urges. So I concluded it wasn't simply "sex LANG". Any person can not simply reduce the value of sex as simply "lang." Looking into the Bible, there are several conditions that God has specified for two people, man and woman just to be specific, to do the act of sex. And although I can not really answer God's intentions for it, I realized that whatever it is we will only be able to understand it at the precise moment when it is supposed to be done. Again, WE CAN ONLY KNOW WHAT ITS TRUE ESSENCE IF WE EXPERIENCE IT AT THE EXACT MOMENT IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE EXPERIENCED. Later on I realized that it is not just about sex, the rule basically applies to everything that we do. I imagine a person's first salary as a professional, even if a person eventually earn let us say 1 million a day in the future, he will never be able to experience the pleasure or the hype of earning his first salary. With those things in place, I further realized that sometimes the end result is not as important as the journey towards getting it. I mean with most people now, it is always about getting what we want or what we planned to get and they become frustrated over not getting it when they fail. In reality though, there is much to be learned in one's journey towards a certain goal and whether or not we get what we want we will always be victors because the experienced we gained towards that journey will never be replicated and will only be learned at the exact moment it is supposed to be experienced. The bottom line is, patience can really teach a person everything that is to learn about virtue.

Well, that is what I realized this past days and I am really learning patience by doing everything according to how it is supposed to be done knowing that I will never be able to experience what really is in store for me if I rush things up. Well that's it.... Good Day people

Happy New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE....