Some blog I read

I was browsing through different blogs when I chanced upon this blog. I thought it was funny how she is fascinated about what to do on her ex's birthday even decidin to send him a text message while I wonder what kind of text message I send this girl for her to at least reply. I think our concerns are both extremes. I guess I would be happy if some ex will send me some greeting on my birthday even if it is the simplest birthday greeting. As she said, coz once upon a time, we were in love. But now, with my predicament, I often wonder what is this that I am feeling right now. I guess each has their own struggle and each wonder how to deal with it. In the end there is really no point at cracking our heads in finding the best thing to do at everything that we feel even if it is about our exes or people that we care for. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to simply allow ourselves into the situation so that we can feel it and then we can decide better. In the end, however it turned out, we will still be getting what we deserve.

I'm feeling bad or good or whatever

I do not know how I am feeling right now. Its not that I am so ambitious about the things that will happen to my life, but there are just things that I really want to have. I just learned from an upperclass that I failed to make it in the selection process of some congress that I was recommended on. I do not know how they select it but I have been dreaming about this conference ever since I learned about it. When I was a fourthclass cadet, I was in awe seeing second class cadets going to this congress and from there I started to dream. In my yearling year, one participant even asked me to write his write-up for that congress so that he will be selected, and he did. Now its my turn and I will not get the chance to write something for me to be allowed to join that congress. I am not being conceited, I know that there are so many of my classmates who are very qualified to join that conference, but I really feel I should be chosen. Well who cares what I feel, its their decision anyway. This led me to question how this selection process works. For one, last year's top seeded candidates from the Academy's selection process were sacked of their chance when they finally faced the selection process for the congress itself. I can just conclude that the selection process here and the selection of the actual congress is not a match. Well you draw your conclusion I am really just pouring out my feelings over this upset. I do not know, I think I am praying for some miracle, maybe for something. At the end of it all I will just have to accept my fate and understand that life is not always how we want it, we lose some, win some but always we have to learn from every experience. I think I'm just feeling bad because I'm missing an opportunity that will never be offered to me again. Even if I will end up to become some great general in the future I will always remember this instance when I was just not good enough and it feels so bad. I do not want to dwell on this anymore.

I have finished writing my feature article for Project ISLAM. I wrote about this project a couple of weeks back in this blog but decided to write a full story of this project because I was really amazed with it. When I first heard about it in chuch I almost wanted to cry hearing how moving loving our brother muslims can be. It is a story of how love can conquer all even the greatest conflict known to the history of mankind. I felt that the least I can do is to tell the whole world of this project so that it can gain more and more support. I do not want to spoil what I wrote for the Corps Magazine but I will try my best to write something about this project so that I can declare its message even to those who will never have the opportunity to read our magazine. Just wait for it.

I realized that I haven't read a book for a while. The books that come my way these days are just not good and I haven't had the opportunity to go to a bookstore and by myself one. I am writing more these days, not writing about something but writing TO someone. Even if there are so many things that I feel bad about, especially about that congress at the beginning of this blog, it just makes me smile everything I think about this person that I am writing to every week. Last Friday, she finally answered some of my text messages and it was as if there was electricity flowing through my veins. I was just so happy even if she simply answered some question and that our exchange just had a sudden death. Nevertheless, I still cherish that night. She just made me so happy without her doing anything... Well, at least I am feeling this emotions even if I am not going to that congress... here I go again. I guess I just had to go now...

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Random Blog

I am apprehensive to write this post. I just feel that if I write very often some people may not be able to read the other posts and to think this is just some random update that I wish to do since I really do not have something to write in my mind. I just came from a major exam and I felt this could be a good way to unwind.

This morning I was shocked when my squadmate (a plebe) suddenly turned white while we were having mess. I gave him something "hot" as a punishment for not complying an order a gave him yesterday. Apparently he was not someone who is able to tolerate the "hotness" of the stuff I gave him and he just became pale. He started to slouch complaining that his stomach was painful. I tried coercing him until finally I threatened him of giving him another set of that "hot" stuff I gave him earlier and finally he corrected his posture. I do not wish to grosse out people of the reality of what we do here. I just wanted to give the impression of how things are done here. It may not be something that people will agree on but it is the system that we do. After that, I brought them somewhere and gave my speech on what is it that I wanted to to do. I expressed how I feel bad about the fact that they do not trust that I am doing the right thing in training them. I told them that my job is not to please them but to bring out the traits necessary for an effective and professional soldier. I was very emotional while talking to them because I really wanted them to understand why some things had to be done. I wanted to show that despite of how uncomfortable the way things are, it is part of training and unless they understand that they will not become the soldiers that we wish them to become. I again asked them to trust that I am doing what it is that I have to do. As I walked back to my barracks, I was just hoping that they understood what I meant. When we take our lunch this afternoon, I will continue to scrutinize what they do and continue to hope.

Last night, I had a nice time exchanging text messages with a good friend who was a wife of an upperclass. My fondness to that exchange was brought about by my interest to validate some of the theories I have about my so called lovelife (entry just before this one). I did have so many insights/ For her, I think she was just reminiscent of her own love story and how she ended up being married to someone of my own kind. I guess we do have something in common and I could sense her fascination to the replies I have on her inquiries. I think we will be having more of that exchange in the days to come.

My life is normal spiced up with wonderful things that are slowly revealing itself as I go on. I like the way things are going on, so many plans are on my mind and I continue to blog about all of it. I guess that is the beauty of this blog, we just do not know what comes next...

My so-called Lovelife

<-- Ito ang aking pet sa barracks... har har

There are many things that I feel right now but I find it hard to express. I really want to say it but I'm just confused. But I'm always like this and the more and play with the keyboard and just be spontaneous something of sense will come out.

As I was reviewing for a major exam last night, I had the chance of having some little text chat with a friend from far away. It wasn't exactly the chat that I always do as most of my friends have given up asking me how I am because I also have become board giving them good answers. It has been like that for the past month, even the one friend who continues to send me letters through the postal service has ran out of things to say because she now has her boylet to say those things to. My classmates, especially my room mates, are not exactly the type of people that would be interested to listen to my rantings as the do not exactly know my soft side. So, I was left with this one person who could at least enlighten me with the things that have been bothering my mind.

My so called lovelife as I keep on babbling about in this blog is limited to a letter a week and some text message once in two months. Over the months, I have somewhat became comfortable with that and did not really mind much. In the earlier part I was a bit restless, apprehensive and even fearsome because I was just revealing myself to someone that I do not even know who wants to be told with those nonesense. There are times that I would spend most of the night just wondering about the things that I do not know. But I continue to write believing that what we reap is what we sow. I gain confidence in my optimistic view on things and on the premiss that my intentions are pure and sincere. In the days that I had to give up some luxuries when I went to Leadership Development Course, I tried my best to find time to write, some of which were written on dirty pieces of paper that was an evident on the kind of life I was subjected to in that training. In the nights that I write those letters, my classmate would make fun at me saying that I was just plain stupid. But I went on, asking other people to mail the letters for me (which they did not do) even saving the little money that I have so that I can mail my letters when time permits. But eventhough the possibility of going to the post office was very slim, I continued to write because I wanted to capture the exact emotion I had and how I have been longing for something... maybe how I have been longing for her. Even as I moved on to become squad leader to the new plebes who were at summer camp then, I squeezed in letter writing even if the training directorate required so much time for the squad leaders that it was really very exhausting. I survived all that and began a new academic term where I have more time to write. I guess the point I am driving at is that despite of the things that I encountered trying to make my letters and the disappointment of not having to receive anything as a feedback, I have come to love it. Not because I am some self centered person who enjoys narrating stories about himself but because it's as if I am sharing my life with someone. Somehow, there is this hope that a time will come that she will also share hers with mine. I realized that in my situation thats the least that I can do to at least put emphasis the point that something in me was changed because of the way she touched my life.

My rantings are useless to most people as I have heard many who just told me as plainly stupid but what the heck. I don't think believing in something that is good in the purest intentions is being stupid even if it takes a long long time to be realized. I am choosing to believe that at the end of it all it is not how people think of me, it is on how true I was to myself and to the feelings that I have for someone who just made my life a little better. Although I do not necessarily feel good about my state, I am contented with my life and I know that whatever it is that comes out of this, it will only be for the better... But I really really hope she snaps out of it....