The tragedy of a stolen dream

"When we want something in the world, the universe will conspire to make it happen"

I am a person who believes that we always get what we deserve. This is based on the belief that God is always fair. As a result, I tend to always strive for the things that I want so that I will deserve it. That was how I did it. I improved on the things that I know I should work on, I study what I need to deserve what I want and pray hard that God will be faithful. That was how it isuntil the biggest frustration in my life.

Call me proud or whatever but I can confidently say that I am good at what I do. I am one because I tried my best to improve on it the moment I realized that I have the gift. There was this one point in my life that I realize that there was something in it for me, I took it as a sign and strived to excel on it. I guess people did notice because after sometime it was as if my name was attached to that something I am good at. I was happy with how it went and had this notion that I will get what I deserve.

How bad can it feel when suddenly all of the dreams that you strived for will be stolen by some uncontrollable force? It was a helpless situation that I find myself not knowing how to react or even merely contemplating on whether or not it was reality. I am allowing myself to feel all the feeling that goes with the frustration. The hatred, the anger, the mental torture that denies me of precious sleep. I allow the tears to fall, the questions to be blurted out even at nothingness. When I pray I ask God whether or not I was really not that deserving or if I have some unforgivable sin that justifies why this has to happen. The biggest tragedy is that it destroyed the very confidence I have on myself. It lead me to question if believing in concepts like fairness and justice is the way to do it in this world or should I simply kiss ass and be friendly so that I can have what I want? I am trying to understand if the way to succeed is striving for what you want or plainly becoming "berks" with the right people.

At this point, I am trying to find the wonder in life that I have believed so much about. I am trying to understand the lesson that I have to learn. But I am also believing that something good will come out. I am believing that justice will come at its proper time and that I will truly get what I deserve. I guess dreams are never stolen -- it is there in our hearts. People may try to cover it and allow us to be frustrated but that is where God placed it and no matter how tragic it feels, nothing can steal from me a dream that I have strived and fought for... Nothing... God Help me!!!

Frustration finally sets in

I am finally feeling the frustration that comes with not being the chosen one. Earlier, I broke the news to my room mates and their reaction was also not that good. I was telling them that it was never my classmates fault, it was just that in the final analysis it was the decision of the upperclass that mattered. Yes, I feel that I am being robbed of something but can you blame me? While I was walking towards the computer laboratory, I started to cry. The tears that I have been trying so hard to stop finally came out. I was frustrated the moment I heard of the news but tried to look cool because I know that how the decision was to be made. Again, it was not my classmates fault (the one who was chosen), but it is my right to feel bad, I wanted the position and it seems now that it will never be mine.

You can say that I have been preparing myself for this eventuality. My mind has been entertaining ideas of things that I wanted to do. I was already planning how I would go about it. I ignored the possibility that I may not be chosen, I was just so sure. And so the result is that I am frustrated. Frustrated because I have conditioned my mind all this years to be worthy of being in that position. As I was looking at the sky moments ago, I asked God, "Am I really not that deserving?"

Life will go on. I do not know how long it will take for me to overcome this frustration. I love what I do and though I am frustrated, I have decided to do what I do best even if I was not chosen. In my mind, I know I deserve it and I will continue to see to it that I will be worthy of it. I will be the best that they will ever find in a lifetime and they will be sorry for not choosing me.

Something I thought of

I finally got the sense to write something.

Being caught in an animated conversation with a good friend over a meal at Shakey's, I kind of thought of the so many things that are happening in my life. At one point I thought I was at the top of the world and then suddenly I'm lost and frustrated. I was so high in spirits but it was shattered by a news that although I know was coming, I did not know would feel the way I received it when it came to me. As Nicholas Sparks would put it "what you want and what you get are two totally different things"

I have always believed that we always get what we deserve. When I see something that I think I deserve, I go for it not thinking much of what people will think about what I was doing. I reason that if my heart tells me that I will get it, it will be a sin not to follow it. If I do not get it then it was God's will and I try to find his intention for making me like that something and then not giving it t0 me. That was a simple formula that I have really believed in but did not spare me from the frustrations that I know was still to come despite of the strength in spirit that I claim so very often. When I was not considered for this congress thing a couple of months back, my mind kept wondering why it had to be that way, when I know deep in my heart that I deserve it. I found the wisdom later inside Hannah's blog entry. I learned that I was frustrated because I wanted the experience and not the opportunity to learn what has to be learn in that congress. I resolve to carry on the whole point on why there was that congress in the first place. And then this incident.

I still believe now that I deserve this thing. I am believing that there is something I must understand before I will have my chance. Though I feel bad with what happened I know there is something in store for me that will make me a better person.... well in time I will know

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A Blog out of Baguio

I haven't written in this blog for the longest time. I am just so busy. I am now in Manila doing the lay-out of the Corps Magazine. Finally, I have come to the point that we are the ones who call the shots for the issue. This is the traditional transitory issue where those who will succeed the ruling class are given the chance to practice doing the magazine. It has been a very good learning experience, being able to really get the feel how it is really done.

The good side of doing the magazine is that I was able to go home. Finally after beig incarcerated in Baguio for the l0ngest time, I find myself in Manila and was able to see my family. Tomorrow life will go back to being a cadet, I will again don my cadet uniform. I will just wait for the real break in two weeks time.

I really do not have something big to blog about. I just realized that I miss blogging. I miss talking to myself and I miss this blog. Collecting articles, pictures, editing, conducting meetings and many other things has drained my system. It was a good thing now that I am able to relax and be able to write. I am sorry if I am not making any sense, I am jus trying my best to enjoy every bit of my experience away from the Philippine Military Academy. I promise to write a better entry some other time... and yes I plan to do the remaining parts of my series on the places I went to during the Environmental Science Trip.

I love you people....