Violent Reactions??? C'mon Fans kill 'em

I do not know if my feeling is right as I write this entry. First, it is the intention of this write-up to at least explain my side over something that I wrote in this blog that caused a violent reaction from a very good friend. I may not exactly make this friend of mine feel better but I hope she understands that there was no intention done and I am sorry for whatever pain I have caused her and other people if there are any.

This is about the entry when I vented my feelings over something that happened. I do not want to go into the details of that event now but I guess let me begin with how I am as a person. For those who know me personally, I can be the loudest person, even annoying top some who have been used to men that are the shy and silent type. That is aggravated by the fact that I am suppose to be silent and all those stereotype considering that I am a cadet of the Philippine Military Academy. I can have all the opinions in the world even at things that people do not normally pay attention to and I say what I think. That is the reason why this blog has been so helpful to me in coping up with my type of personality. I always long for sensible conversations where I can say what I feel, tell them what I think about things and in the same way reciprocate that by listening and giving their own thoughts. In my present world where I have to shut my mouth, not talk about things that I feel bad about and just let them be, it is a wonder that I am still here. Most people say that there is so much emotion in what I write and I reckon that it is because so much of my emotions can not be released so it is vented when I start to write my thoughts. Whenever I feel that something is just wrong, I keep it to myself and then write about it, either for the Corps Magazine or in this Blog. I basically do not care if the people do not like what I say as long as I say it, if they want to react then they can react, violently if they must but never ever tell me to stop expressing what I feel. I may be wrong at some point but as I said everything that comes out here is an outburst of what I feel and mind you I do accept when I am wrong and at this moment I am accepting that I was wrong in putting out names of people even those that I do not really know, from now on I will not put names here.

So, at some point I have hurt people with what I write but I expect that the people that know me should be the first one to know that I was never the person who acted on feelings, even if I felt so bad about things, I always try my best to be reasonable and find out the whole story before even acting. I am feeling so many things every now and then but I understand that in this world it is not about feelings it is doing what should be done even if sometimes it just doesn't feel good. I also know that I do not have some kind groupies who will kill people that I feel bad about based on what I write. I know that the people who visit this blog are just fascinated by what I write, they do not even react, they just keep on reading and reading but I would really like to know what they find when they read the things that I write. And so the point is... violent reaction? Then go ahead, be violent if you may but never ever take it personally, the point of everything that is written in this blog is expression. I do not intend to malign people, or to be libelous against them, I just wanted to be myself, the LOUD ME.

Again, I'm sorry for the people that I have hurt, for the people that I have been libelous upon, even for the people who are annoyed, I'm sorry but just as I am free to express what I feel, you may do so, make your own blog, noone is stopping you. And to that person that was hurt, I'm very very sorry, you know that I am not good at asking for forgiveness but just the same, I think you know me that well... text me when you are no longer angry....ciao!!!

Annoying conversations... chauvinist PIGS!!!

Last night, after all four of my roommates settled in our bunks (that's what we call beds by the way) we went into this animated conversation about ladies. In our room mate I am the only one who rarely talk about these things the reason for which I will reveal later as I go on with this entry. Two of my room mates had at least two girlfriends, one is the one they say that they truly love and the other is the one in Baguio. Of course, that is discounting the other flings. My other roommate was just asleep. We were talking about forgive the word, stupidity of girls. Picture this, last break my room mate went to a popular hang-out here in Baguio, he met this girl and talked, they were together for around two hours after that they just texted each other. A few days later they were officially a couple in fact yesterday she just celebrated their "monthsary" with my room mate. My roommate says that since she is to graduate this October, he just have to score (you know what I mean) before then. And then there is this another girl. She was once a girlfriend of an upperclass who now graduated. Sadly, she was the girlfriend in Baguio, as soon as that upperclass graduated she was just abandoned to go back to the "real" girlfriend of that upperclass back at their hometown. Now, she is again giving into the words of my room mate, they just never learn. I do not say that I agree to what my room mates are doing, in fact I always tell them my opinion about it and that is precisely the reason why I write it here, I'm disgusted. When I see them around here, I do not talk to them, I do not want to know the girls personally because I just might be honest to them and my room mates might just hate me for that. I know its a lame excuse for being indifferent, but what can I do, I am stuck with chauvinist pigs as roommates and I still have more than two years to deal with them. And then the annoying part was this, when it seemd that they were contented with their escapades, they turned to me. As I said, I do not talk about romance with them for the primary reason that I do not want to reduce the women that I love to the standard that they set. Of course they have ideas of these girls and since I do not give them details, they speculate. The girl in the short story Open Call was not actually a failure per se. She was perfect only that she now had a boyfriend so I respect that and go on with my life. And then there is this another girl, the thing with this girl now is that they are completely clueless. So they ask me what happened. The details that they know of are usually those that they deduce when I correct them. Like one time defending my point of view, I told my room mate that love is not quite the word because any man can convince himself that he has fallen in love with a girl that is pretty. And then this one time, I was writing an article for Corps Mag and I was covering it. They thought that it was another literary piece for some girl, but the truth is I wanted the article to be a surprise so that they won't go around telling people what I wrote about before the magazine is even released. And so with all their speculations they concocted their own story. I was silent, just listening to them. After a few moments, I want to go to them and just punch them in their faces. It was really annoying. I laid in my bed trying to ignore them but it was just like that. I wept on my bed as they violate the things that I consider significant and wonder why I have to deal with these people. The just don't get it, for people like me who suffered much because of people who do not care about relationships I consider these things important. I do not have to explain myself to these people and it is very painful how they can just be that insensitive to violate things. I can just vent all my feelings in this blog hoping that more and more people will just pray that I learn how to deal with these things. Yes, I am single nor do I have any hope of being not single anytime soon. I have lots and lots of women in my life all of which are beautiful, brilliant and definitely not stupid. I love them all and although I would love to have some romantic connections with one of them, I simply will not, it will just come and I know when that time comes it will just be worth all the waiting perfect and blessed by God, I hope people will just respect that especially my roommates

Leadership the breeds disobedience

I was doing one of my official duties as company clerk when suddenly an upperclass barges inside the room and demands the use of the computer I was using. I said "sir, importante tong ginagawa ko" then he gives me this BAYOT-ic look and says, "Bilisan mo ha may itatype ako." Incidents like these often happen especially in a a very hierarchial society such as that of the Philippine Military Academy. In a society where obedience is more often demanded than earned, it is not a surprise that some of us have forgotten what leadership really entails. I can just complain about these things in this blog for the primary reason that I can not do anything about it, I am a mere underclass and I just have to wait for my turn. That is basically the reason why these close-minded upperclassmen has continued to ignore their responsibilities to their underclassmen. The fact that those below them are just completely helpless and can just complain in the silence of their imagination kind of blind them to the reality of obedience. They have somewhat forgotten their own similar experiences with upperclassmen and have become the monsters that they too hated. I hate it when all I can do is wait for my turn and write about it in this blog for all to see declaring to the vastness of anyone who happens to pass through my blog that even inside the Philippine Military Academy, said to be the best leadership school in the country there is the leadership that breeds disobedience.

In my experience as a follower I have learned two things. One: a leader must always allow his or her follow the opportunity to do what he is supposed to do by providing the necessary support to get the job done and developing in him the confidence to do what is necessary to accomplish the task. Two: the follower is a reflection of the leader in whatever situation for a leader can never be a leader without a follower and vice versa. In effect, they are inseperable. These two lessons I have said just points to one thing, both have responsibilities and both should abide by this responsibility for that leader follower relationship to continue and be productive. I know there are still others that I have to learn and still to understand but at the moment, these two are the things that I have perfectly understood. Take the example I just said, I realized that the reason why I hated the approach of my upperclass so much is that he simply did not care with what I was doing, he just wanted to have his way, he ignored me and I can just be helpless. I realized that if he does that to his men in the field and it so happens that what the follower was doing was something that was of great significance to him, he might just get his gun at shoot his leader, believe me that happens often.

A leadership that ignores the follower is a leadership that breeds disobedience. It cultivates distrust and hatred to the leader which creates friction in the leader-follower relationship. Well, that is just how it is and by learning from these experiences, I just might live a day longer when I face my enemies once I go out and lead men into battle.

Coup'd'etat? Reality check and others

This morning we had this some kind of informal talk about coup'd'etat. Being in PMA where one's idealism is cultivated and caught amidst controversies concerning it's graduates its not a surprise that we talk about thig shing a lot. The firstclassmen (the graduating class) has been recalled to PMA apparently to prevent possibilities of recruitment outside and for the first time in several years the Corps is complete at Fort del Pilar at this time of the year. In the previous years, the firstclassmen only go back to PMA weeks before graduation, but right now it seems that they will be here until they finally shed off their full dress... or not, anything could happen. So the talk was about sbumitting to authority, giving as an insight of how it is to submit to authority even if it is bad because any authority is established by God and it is God who will take it away not man. Well, for people like me who puts so much weight on what the Bible has to say on things that I do in my life, that puts directions to my idealism. Anyway, coup or no coup I really do not mind, I'm just doing what I have to do study and graduate, that's the time I'll try to think about the problems of my country, in the meantime I have to be the best to prepare me for what lies ahead.

I had a series of reality checks these past days. A few weeks back, I already started to feel something was wrong but I just do not know what it is. It was very unnatural for me to feel so many things that are not good so I reckoned that something is just not right. And so yesterday as I sit beside a friend who came to PMA to visit, I felt guilty and realized what was wrong. I just had to be in touch with reality, I had to be back. The truth is when noone seems to criticize you for a very long time, it becomes something that will cause you to forget that you are human and that you are dealing with humans. I hate to admit this but I really have become like that. It is not only enough that we have good intentions because the end does not justify the means. To be able to do something good, it must be right ALTHROUGHOUT. I am emphasizing the word althroughout because that is what I forgot. I realized that it doesn't mean that if my intentions are good I can basically do anything for that goal, I realized that it is also important to do everything right. Again, it is not only the goal that is important but the way upon which that goal is pursued. It is only by understanding that concept that I began to be sensitive with how people feel. Talking with people that I admire, I ralized how life can be confusing if you lose your sight on the things that are really important. I have allowed myself to be in touch so much with my feelings and just letting it direct my actions not realizing that there is the mind to balance it. There is self-control that is the fruit of the holy spirit, there is also the responsibility to guard the hearts of people agains feelings that they are not supposed to feel, and there is also the need to let go of the things that hinder us from doing what God has willed for us to do. Now, I understand that its an all systems go for reawakening my spirit and being in touch with my creator.... well that's just life is and that's what makes it beautiful.... I'm feeling good about this.....

Difficult times

Today is a difficult time. All cadets were recalled back to PMA because of the current political confusion. With the whole cadet corps intact inside Fort del Pilar, we basically do not know if the rumors are true. Early morning the Commandant of Cadets, who proudly announced that he will be the next Superintendent, talked to us about our roles as cadets and as future leaders of the Armed Forces. His words still ring inside my mind "During dark times, you should be the light, when there is doubt you should be the hope." Strong words coming from an admired General. with the second phase of Intramurals coming up next week plus various personalities visitng PMA over the weekend, it would seem that everything is normal. But then, in an institution where the whole Filipino people expects so much, with its alumni occupying the limelight in the recent destabilization plots either for it or against it, what is really happening?

I do not know. The media has been very strange to me this days. Except for the few occassions that I am able to browse through the news either through the newspaper or over the internet, I do not have a clue. My instructors are telling me stories about the present scenario and I can just imagine. What I do know is that I will only believe my superiors. I can not even text my father to ask about the situation since its unauthorized. But then, I have to make up my mind, I just know that I need to have an opinion on this, not because I want to meddle on these issues but because for me to be able to make a stand, I just have know the details and decide where to put my convictions on. Maybe I'll try to be less serious about these things in the coming days, I just can't help it but wonder how all of these will end. I am looking forward to a lot of things and I just hope God will save my country...

Continuation...

I just came from class ang I can not help it but to just continue writing. My previous class was Political Science and my teacher was someone who had been teaching at PMA for a very long time. Our discussion eventually led to other issues concerning us today until finally we reached the topic of those four PMAers who escaped from their incarceration. It can be eerie when he talks about the personalities when they were still cadets, I could imagine how it would be in say 10 years from now when the same teacher will tell the cadets then of how I was as a cadet. I do not know if he is disappointed with how his students are doing right now but I think he is kind of worried of the fate of the four.

I lost all the interest in writing about what happened in the Press Conference after hearing my teacher during class. I do not know, I just felt weird especially when he was talking about making a difference as officers in the Armed Forces. I think with my teacher his motivation to still teach cadets after all those years comes from the hope that someday his students might just make a difference and be happy knowing that he was part of the molding of cadets like me. That is just how it is really people always hoping that at some point something good will just come out of what they are doing, that's dedication, that's commitment. His words kind of motivates me to be good. In fact when we were dismissed he just reminded as that the way to do it is simply being good for the rest of out lives.... that's just very inspiring... BE GOOD.

By some twist of fate...

I was just really passing time when I wrote my last entry, nothing to look forward to, just the normal routine when lightning struck. When I went back to barracks, I was informed that I should report to my Tactical Officer but since it was almost noon mess then, I decided to go to him after eating lunch. There was no rush I was just looking forward to taking a nap after eating and then practice swimming afterwards. But then in the formation, I was called again this time I went to my Tactical Officer immediately informing me that I was to go to the University of Baguio at 2 o'clock to represent PMA in the Regional Tertiary Press Conference. At around 4 o'clock I find myself listening to a lecture about feature writing and eventually competing against 13 other schools. The next day I was informed that I got 2nd place in that contest and that the feature story that I wrote will be published this coming sunday at a local newspaper. See it's lightning.... Now I am preparing to go to Naga by February to attend the Luzonwide Press Conference and represent Cordillera Administrative Region.... Well that's just fate... anyway I still have class I will write about the event later....

Updates!!!

I tried to expirement in my Friendster account last night, although it looks more like my blog I don't quite like it. I kind of imagine a site I saw way back, I sill have to look for the images to put and then I'll change it again.

Last night, I had this craving for Pancit Canton. It's normal really, our company boodle bar (our little "sari sari" store inside barracks) never rans out of this product, the whole company actually consumes boxes of this in let us say a week. In one boodlefight, the minimum we cook simultaneously is about 10 which will be good for round 4 to 6 cadets. One time I remembered we cooked something around 40, good for around 20 cadets. You see pancit canton is becoming an identity of the cadets. A day after we came back from Christmas break around 2 weeks ago, we gathered for Pancit Cantin and I just remarked to everyone, "nasa PMA na talaga uli tayo."

Anyway, there are 63 more days left before I go on break for the summer and then second class ako. Biruin mo ganun lang pala kabilis ang panahon. Dati nangangarap lang akong bumalik ng PMA ngayon ilang tulog na lang I will be on my third year. Of course there are still too many things that I still have to experience and I am just becoming excited by the day.

This morning I woke up in rage. I just had to vent my anger on my roommate who is just plain and simple.... masama ang ugali. It's not the first time actually its just that through the days I mean years that he was my room mate I have learned to deal with him, even my other two room mates. I think dati nasabi ko na yung inis ko sa room mate ko. Imagine natutulog pa kaming tatlo at sa anong katarantaduhan ang naisip nya binuksan nya ang ilaw so what happens nagising kaming tatlo. The point is wala syang pakialam kung natutulog kami as long as he is able to do what he wants to do. In PMA, kahit 5 minutes na tulog malaking bagay na yan and to think pwede nya namang buksan yung mga study lamps para hindi magambala ang kanyang room mates. Hindi naman talaga yun lang yun eh, ganun na talaga ugali nya wala syang pakialam sa ibang tao as long as magawa nya ang gusto nya. Sa galit ko sa kanya kanina lumakas tuloy ang boses ko at pati kapitbahay naming upperclass nabulabog. Minsan nga nagkabiruan kami nung iba ko pang room mate, naisip namin na baka yung room mate namin na to ang first casualty ng class once we graduate at ang babaril sa kanya... hehehe sundalo nya. Kahit ako siguro baka mapag isipan kong barilin yung ungas na yun. Grabe to think naisip nyang mag sundalo when it is all about camaraderie. Well, I just hope he learns what he has to learn and I pray that he won't learn it the hard way or when it is too late. Mahirap kasing pag sabihan ang mga taong ayaw magpasabi.

I am basically just writing what comes to mind passing time. Ilang minuto pa ang nalalabi before my next class at 1045 tapos non kain na naman tapos tulog tapos swimming na. Mag prapractice na ako for the swimming events that I will be competing for BBEAL (and ibig sabihin po nito at Baguio-Benguet Educational Athletic League). Maganda na rin yung magprapractice na ako para lumakas na ako feeling ko nagiging baboy na ako... well wala lang talaga akong ibang masabi.

Grabe, surprisingly wala akong binsabasang libro ngayon at wala pa akong intensyon na basahin ang gabundok kong libro na hindi ko pa nababasa. Kakaiba na to, biruin mo the books that I bought last break nakatambak lang sa study table ko nagiging true to the word na sya... as in DISPLAY. Well siguro pag nagsawa na ako sa kaka day dream at kaka sulat ng kung ano ano maispan ko na ulit magbasa.... well tama na to at kung ano ano na ang lumalabas sa utak ko... baboo.....

Judgmental???

I do not know where to begin. I realized now that sometimes I just have to keep my opinions to myself. I felt that I was helping by telling people what I think about them but some people are just happy with their lives that it is none of my business really if I find something worth an opinion about them. It's their life and whether or not I agree with how they live their life it is still their life. The thing is, I have come to trust my feelings regarding things and maybe that is why I did not bother to have second thoughts at saying it to people. The realization came about after having to defend myself, and be hated along the way, to somebody I had no intention to offend but offended because of my opinions. I always thought that honesty is the best policy but now I realized that honesty is a policy only when asked, not when you volunteer the information. Now with me here in Baguio, I wonder how to be friendly to somebody who has already branded me as judgmental, conceited, self righteous and so many other not so good qualities. It's hard to restore friendship from distances, but with people especially those that we care about we just can't give up especially if it was your fault... well that's just how things are, a natural phenomenon that just needs to be fixed.

Nakakainis!!!

Sometimes things are just irritating. Last night a very good friend of mine sent me a text message saying that I look like a "tangengot" in my new picture posted at friendster (you just have to see it yourself). Eventually, our conversation lef to other topics until finally it came to having the worst day of her life. You see, I love this girl. I mean, I would do anything just to make sure that she is happy. Every now and then she tells me story of her new love life and just last December she went with this guy to Davao where she met the guy's parents, as I would call it "namanhikan" sya. She used to write me all the time and sends me text messages every now and then. Then suddenly she was just silent. I presumed she was pre occupied with her love life and that she was happy. I was feeling jealous at times actually because of what happened then she tells me that she had the worst day of her life and all those nonsense. I hate to think that she's sad and I can not do anything about it. I hate it that I always wanted her to be happy and that some guy she met will just make her sad. I definitely hate it that she has not kept in touch only to find out that she's not as happy as I thought she'd be. Tama ba namang sabihin nya lang sa akin na ako naman daw lagi ang taga solve ng heart break nya. My God, bakit kasi ang mga tao pag umiibig ayaw ng mag-isip tapos ang ending ako rin pala ang taga salo. Hindi sa ayoko ha, I mean sabi ko nga I would do everything to make her happy. Kaya lang at this point, I get to understand what a heartbreak does to a woman. I mean, a woman who met someone who made her cry is definitely very vulnerable. Madalas pa even if they do not admit it they believe that it's their fault. Nakakainis kasi papatol sila sa mga walang hiyang lalake tapos pag sumablay kasalanan nila. And then you just have to rebuild their confidence, kailangan ipa feel mo sa kanila na they are beautiful and that they are special and that it was the loss of the guy and all those crap, and then when all is said and done, makakahanap sila ng ibang lalake tapos makakalimutan ka na naman nila, maalala ka na lang nila pag na heart broken na naman sila, and yet you still do it kasi you love them. Ganun ba talaga yun? Naisip ko nga kagabi dapat ang patulan nitong ni Hiyas eh yung somebody who loves her more than I love her. Grabe pwede kaya yun, ewan ko but in the recent years that I have been with her, I have grown to love her that much na tipong I can not imagine how sad life would be if she wasn't my friend. But then just a reminder, hindi ko sya type (ngeks!!!) that I know for sure. Naisip ko lang na since she is so brilliant malay mo maging somebody great sya at least I can brag na I know that person. But really, why is it that people do not realize that friendship is where it all begins? Grabe kinilig lang sa words na pambobola, tama ba namang ipa mukha sa akin na mas magaling sa akin yung boylet nya when it comes to words, so what kung mas magaling sya sa akin in that area... what now, nabola ka nga... hahaha I hope she reads this... naiinis lang kasi ako that some men can not just understand that women should never be made to cry, they should be loved. Hindi naman masama siguro if we love all women, aba kahit na wala kang romantic interest it just might happen na may kilala sila na magkakaroon ka rin ng romantic interest, and now thinking about it I realized wala pang kilala si Hiyas na nagkaroon ako ng romantic interest tapos pag may kwinento pa ako sa kanya about my romantic interests madalas kontrabida or suspicious pa sya. Pero so far naman with my new stories hindi pa naman sya nag react negatively although baka kasi dahil heartbroken nga sya. Well nakakainis nakakainis at nakakainis.... sige I'll go to my dentist now.... ciao!!!!

A very long afternoon

Except for the mornings of Saturday where there is the usual inspection on everything from the Barracks, to the rifles, uniforms up to parades the weekend is usually a time to rest for the cadets. Yesterday, I was very tired from the activities in the morning that I slept the whole afternoon. I watched a DVD and then slept again. This afternoon though, I was not able to sleep that long enough. By three o'clock, I was already wide awake with nothing to do. My phone did not receuive any message whatsoever and as I lie there I was just restless. I started to think of things that I can do. As of the moment I have three unread books with me. Surprisingly, I don't seem to get into the mood to read my books. I was just there wide awake DAYDREAMING. Imagine I haven't even removed the plastic of the latest Paulo Coelho Zahir but I chose to lie there and think. Later I started to be restless. I did not know what to do, I started texting people "nababaliw na ako". I really was being "baliw". For the first time in so many years I felt I lost my confidence on things. I felt that I was not certain about things to come, I felt that I just had to have a confirmation. Well those feelings are actually because of the recent events. Imagine how weird my feelings are nowadays. I can basically sit in my study table and just wonder about things. I am beginning to think that I am becoming very sensitive. Last night I almost cried because my classmates do not want to watch the movie that I wanted to watch, Imagine ang babaw ko na ngayon. I guess I am really mesmerized and the restlessness is perhaps those feelings that I just have to go through for me to get a better grasp and appreciation of things to come. It was really a very long afternoon and I just have to bear with my insanity, this time with no people to talk to (imagine sharing my "kalandian" with the proud and might cadets of the Philippine Military Academy) I know I am not making any sense here but really my feelings these days can only be described as weird, can anybody tell me what is happening? Please.........

What dreams may come...

This is not a review of the movie that starred Robin Williams. This is just a thought that I had in the past days, the usual, the things that I kind of thought of that I am not able to tell the people around me.

Anyway, last night while I was ironing my uniforms for the next day, my roommate asked me if I really was in love. You see, these past days he has been calling me an addict. Not so long ago, I kept on calling him an addict because he was so restless with his cellphone. He can not stand not looking if there was a message and he can stare at it for a very long time just to wait for any text message. At that time, I think he was courting his SECOND girlfriend. Maybe he has observed that on me now. And thinking about it I just might be-- an addict that is. But then, I answered his question in the negative. I reasoned that one can convince himself that he is in love to a beautiful lady. I can claim that I am in love with a beauty queen for the simple fact that they are beautiful, as a text message would put it Men fall in love through the eyes while women through the ears. The truth is nowadays, I find myself imagining things that I have not been imagining before. One time during breakfast, when it was still dark, I was enthralled by the sun rays that was little by little creeping inside the mess hall. I imagined how good that sight is when viewed from the top of Tower '66 (its actually an 80 feet tower where cadets practice rapelling), but more than that I could now imagine viewing it with another person. And then just during my Research class a few minutes ago, I was dreaming about dedications for my graduation message come 2008, about the Ring Hop (it is a traditional formal dance where the graduating cadets honor their loved ones by giving them the Mini Class ring usually it is given to either the fiance or the mother). I do not want to go into the details of this imaginations I am having recently as it will just incriminate me, but really those imaginations has bearing in my answer to the question of my classmate. So I answered, I am not giving a definite answer to his question. I feel so good about the things that are happening but things will happen in due time and when that time comes it will be so perfect that I'll be so happy that allowed it to happen that way. But then he asked me, aren't you afraid of what might not happen because you are doing nothing? That question actually bothered me, I realized that he may be correct. The discussion did not go further but later that night as I lay on my bunks, I contemplated in the question that stung me. Finally, I started to pray perhaps praying was the thing that was the answer to his question, it may really seem that I am doing nothing and yes I am afraid, but when nothing seems to be certain-- in the end it's about Faith, it's about God who will do what He has to do. I was short of crying; totally afraid, but deep inside despite being fearful I knew that it was really about faith. Yes, dreams are there for us to treasure, for us to have meaning in our lives, for us to be happy about living, but in the end dreams are actually reasons for us to have more faith knowing that in this world we are living nothing is certain except in God who loves us so much who will do what He has to do for us to understand that living is not about us controlling out lives, it's about faith.

Patience is a virtue

I have strange realization recently, I have come to realize how patience can teach a person so much about everything there is to learn about life. It was only now that I learned to overcome being impatient, in previous instances I was patient simply because I did not have the choice. When I wanted to go back to PMA and was "patient" for three years to be able to go back it was as if I can do it faster, I just had to bear with the passing of time hoping that in the end I will get what I want. But in so many instances in my life I haven't really been that patient. In so many other instances in my life, event on major areas, I oftentimes ignored other things and simply wanted to shortcut everything sometimes at the expense of other people's feelings. I do not want to go into the details of these things but my conclusion is that I simply suck at patience.

Last night while waiting for the bus going to Baguio, I sat at Starbucks with my foster sister over some drink and we practically talked about things. We were talking about the things that I did during the break, and at the same time I was sharing my thoughts about so many things. I was telling her that I am being mesmerized by this girl I met and felt really really good talking about it. I recalled the countless times that I just felt lonely and you know what I realized that it was simply because I was impatient. But really what gave me the insight was my conversation with this prostitute I met in Batangas (I am writing one whole article for the Corps Magazine about this "interlude" with this prostitute so I am not giving any details yet especially on the "things" that we did :) ) I was talking to her about the nature of sex. I mean having recently read Paolo Coelho's 11 minutes my insights about sex are still very fresh. I asked her if God really created sex just to satisfy our urges? I told her that my belief on God is someone who was magnificent who was all knowing and I refuse to believe that in all His wisdom and knowledge He simply created the act of sex for the mere satisfaction of our sexual urges. So I concluded it wasn't simply "sex LANG". Any person can not simply reduce the value of sex as simply "lang." Looking into the Bible, there are several conditions that God has specified for two people, man and woman just to be specific, to do the act of sex. And although I can not really answer God's intentions for it, I realized that whatever it is we will only be able to understand it at the precise moment when it is supposed to be done. Again, WE CAN ONLY KNOW WHAT ITS TRUE ESSENCE IF WE EXPERIENCE IT AT THE EXACT MOMENT IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE EXPERIENCED. Later on I realized that it is not just about sex, the rule basically applies to everything that we do. I imagine a person's first salary as a professional, even if a person eventually earn let us say 1 million a day in the future, he will never be able to experience the pleasure or the hype of earning his first salary. With those things in place, I further realized that sometimes the end result is not as important as the journey towards getting it. I mean with most people now, it is always about getting what we want or what we planned to get and they become frustrated over not getting it when they fail. In reality though, there is much to be learned in one's journey towards a certain goal and whether or not we get what we want we will always be victors because the experienced we gained towards that journey will never be replicated and will only be learned at the exact moment it is supposed to be experienced. The bottom line is, patience can really teach a person everything that is to learn about virtue.

Well, that is what I realized this past days and I am really learning patience by doing everything according to how it is supposed to be done knowing that I will never be able to experience what really is in store for me if I rush things up. Well that's it.... Good Day people

Happy New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE....