Fear of Christmas

A certain feeling is inside me that I should be expressing something, its just that I have not idea what it is. I am in a state were my feelings are just expressing so many different things and I do not know whether I should confront it or not... or whether I should even be writing about it.

I think the feeling is about Christmas being just around the corner. In the past years, I have written about Christmas in this blog and somehow this year is different. A while back, I entered a classmate's room when I was greeted by a countdown for Christmas displayed behind the door. It was there that I realized that Christmas really is coming to town. After that, I went to another room to find another classmate watching the television complete with his Santa hat which I later borrowed and insisted to have a picture taken with me wearing it. Suddenly I realized that Christmas might just be a little different from the previous years.

Originally, I wanted to spend in by myself. I made elaborate plans in going to the province and just leaving my family behind. I wanted to have some sort of celebration by myself. But then I realized that I do have an important event that is coming-- my PFT. Because of that exam, there is this possibility that Christmas might not be so fun this year. I mean, its a certainty that I will celebrate Christmas outside of the Academy the problem is if I will still be a cadet by then. If that will be the case all my dreams and aspirations will just fade away and I do not know if I will be able to handle it. I just might celebrate Christmas in self-pity and frustration as how I did around 7 years ago.

I am thinking now that I should start psyching myself with the realities of my situation. Just this afternoon, I only made two pull-ups which is clearly not raising any of my chances. For some reason I think that the program the Sports and Physical Development Unit is doing to me is making me weaker by the day and I do not have a choice. Somehow, I have this feeling that they are trying to sabotage my cadetship. But again, there is this good side of me, who believes on things, who always have hope, who gives people the benefit of the doubt. Although my feelings are not that good, I am choosing to have faith, as I always do. I am afraid, but I am embracing my fate, submitting to what will happen and hope that I am a better person after however it will end. I guess I will have to be still and know who is God... Please pray for me people