I hope not

I haven't blogger for quite sometime. Maybe its because of my frustration over what happened to my friendster account. Anyway, I am presently in a situation which I would rather say that is not that well. I mean now is the time when I lie on my bed before falling asleep feeling that my life is going to shatter into pieces. I really do not know how to go about nor I am willing to divulge any information about it. What I do know is that there comes a time when we become stupid and do thing that we regret, for my part I just might regret this for a very long time. I just hope that just like the mistakes that I have done in the past, this too will come to an end and everything will come to its proper place and then make me a better person, more learned and more wise in making choices. I do not wish to blame anyone I do know that what is happening right now is my own doing and its only my own decisions that will resolve this, but I hope this one stupidity will not shatter the dreams and aspirations that I have pursued relentlessly for the past so many years of my life. I hope that when the cloud of doubt clears out, I haven't lost the things that I love the most. I'm afraid that I just might lose my PMA dream, I hope not...

HACKER or TROUBLEMAKER??

May nakialam sa friendster account ko, now I can't even access it. I'm thinking what are the chances that someone can just log into my friendster account and change it so that I can not log in? I'm now thinking that somebody is trying to do something that is not that good and I'm waiting for the blow. Something tells me that something is about to happen and I can't begin to think what is it. The truth is I have suspicions but I will just have to wait and see as we say in PMA wala naman talaga akong magawa. Sooner or later I will just feel that something is up or rather someone is out there cooking up something against me. So I retreat to my blog hoping that this too won't be accessed into without my permission.

Happenings...

The results are out and I'm definitely out... hahaha. Well, the results of the Ramon Magsaysay Student Essay Competition is not something that I want but of course, there is always next time :) The truth is the moment I submitted that entry, I couldn't help but feel uneasy about the outcome of the result. As I said in my previous post, I do want to win. There were just so many mishap that I encountered from a lost essay because of a careless upperclass who just is insensitive enough to erase the content of the flashdisk he borrowed from me so accomodate his files. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, some upperclass can be such a jerk and I wonder how will they be when they become officers. Well, this is the thing that I hate in this hierarchial set-up we have here. Even if your senior is just a jerk, you allow yourself to be under his command even on instances that just does not seem right. The beauty is that you get to understand how it feels to be under a bad leadership and so you try your best to change that when your time comes to lead.

Last night, I did not feel good over an incident that happened inside the barracks. An upperclass committed an obvious honor violation against my classmate. It was very obvious that even those who do not know anything about the honor code can right away deduce that what happened was just wrong. My classmate, who was the victim of the incident, was asked if he wanted to report the upperclass but he declined. He reasoned that he was afraid that upperclass will get back to him and he might get into trouble. I did not feel good because the sense of honor of my classmate was so weak that he chose survival over being honorable. I feel bad because the upperclass will go on thinking that he can get away with an honor violation. I do not know how to deal with it frankly, I'm thinking of reporting both of them for toleration but that would have so many implications. For one, I know that the classmate in question is just afraid simply because PMA is his only means to alleviate his family from poverty. Second, it seems that I am meddling with their affairs. Tonight I'll be talking about this thing with some upperclassmen that I trust and some classmates and I hope I'll do the right thing. But the saddest thing about this whole incident is the obvious lack of sense of honor of the people I am with inside barracks. The "atmosphere of trust and confidence" that is expected within our cadet community is suddenly placed in question. And honestly, I do not want to be in an organization where I can not completely trust the person beside me, behind me, or worse, the person leading me. I'm praying hard for guidance.

I do not know what came into me this afternoon, I just decided to run. Well, in my last Physical Fitness Test several weeks ago, I felt bad because my time for the 3.2 kilometer run was 1 minute slower. I realized that the boodling during break and too much relaxation has taken it's toll. So I promised myself to run as often as I can. Yesterday, I ran up to gas dump, the distance was somewhere between 3 to 3.5 kilometers after which I took a swim at the pool to practice my strokes for the upcoming Intramurals. Then this afternoon, I ran with the plebes up to checkpoint, its roughly 5.5 kilometers. I came back to barracks with sweat just pouring out of my body, then slept for more than an hour. I woke several minutes before a duty for the PEEMAYER Board and Staff (its the group that conceptualizes the diaries and calendars that PMA gives out every year). Right now as I type this entry, my feet still aches and I wonder what came into me when I started running earlier. Of course, you also have to consider that running is a way of life for the cadets, in fact the distance that I went through was more of a routine distance, we even have this 15 km run every now and then. The average time for 5.5 kilometers is something between 20 to 25 minutes. My last 15 kilometer ran was something like 1 hour and 11 minutes. Again, I have to remind you that it is normal here, its nothing extra ordinary.

Physics has taken its toll, I mean I am having a hard time although not as hard as calculus. As of this writing, I think I am deficient by 3 points the most but if the last lesson exam will be cancelled then I'm clear... Anyway tha's all for now

Waiting...

I'm waiting for a file to be uploaded to my Yahoo Briefcase account so I decided to write something. Well waiting can be a bit of a hassle when you just want to sleep. In my case, in a little while I will be posting as a guard again, some duty that I just have to do but I dread the most. In another window, I have an essay to make that will be submitted tomorrow. I finally realized that it's boring here. I have so much to do, very little time and extremely lonely. So here I am again trying my best to regain a positive outlook and leave all the negative energy I have now as I write my thoughts.

When I think about the things that have happened in my life, I can not help it but sometime be tired of the fact that there is still so much to do and I still have to continue trying. Try to imagine this, I am 22 years old and in a few months I'll be turning a year older. I graduated high school in 1998, that goes to say that most of my contemporaries has somehow made a life out of their lives while I try my best not to breakdown inside PMA. I miss so many people and wanted to do so many things and yet I can not do them, I still have to wait for the end of this semester at the same time study hard so that I can have that vacation. Of course, that is discounting the fact that I do not have a lovelife whatsoever, while my room mates have lots and lots of "friends" other than their girlfriends. I'm beginning to think that life is being hard on me. Well, I do know that my feelings now will eventually evaporate and then I'll just go back to my real self and be happy and contented with what I have. The truth is I suddenly felt how lonely it is to be here; surrounded by so many people where all they do is either to give orders to me or take orders from me. People who, like me, are also trying their best not to be lonely. I guess this is just how it should be for me in the next couple of years or maybe luck will just be with me. I simply do not know. I guess sometimes when we want something we just have to continue on trying to achieve it even when sometimes it becomes lonely. Well, I think that's it for now anyone who can help me about my feeling kindly get in touch...

Youth... Long ago

It has been very long since I wrote something in this blog and due to the very long delay I just have too much to say. But then I'm trying to focus my mind into some topic that came up while I was browsing through my friends list in friendster.

The topic on youth can sawy into so many areas but a while ago, while looking at the recent pictures of people I know when they were little kind of gave me something to think about and write something. I like the feeling of remembering moments with people, being reminded that in the not so distant past I used to do crazy and dumb things with them. It was a period where nothing seems to matter except having fun at that right moment. The world did change and now those times are just distant memories that make me laugh as I try my best to run the events in my head. It was fun living life, wondering what might happen next and being uncertain about things to come. But it is more fun now when I recall how stupid and naive I was and realizing that I did not fare so bad in this adventure we call life. Youth does allow us to evaluate our life and realize that we did learn some lessons and either way I put it, I'm just happy knowing that for a time in my life I can recall something that will just make me smile. Well, I'm not about to die but as early as now I could say that I have a good life and I must say that the best is yet to come. Here in the Philippine Military Academy, I begin to appreciate this things. Despite the loneliness that I feel very often, I look back to the life that I have lived and continue to live each day realizing that I am in some wonderful journey where the best is always coming to surprise me. Yes, I'm dreaming and I'm living it. Youth although little by little moving away from our grasp is a reminder that life is never dull and boring. In Paulo Coelho's Veronika decides to die, there was so much life, so much appreciation and so much beauty, people may call the context of the book (it was inside a mental hospital) absurd, but that just goes to show that the beauty of life is universal even to those we think are out of their mind. I love living and I just love life.

• I read three books: Veronika decides to Die by Paulo Coelho, Two Weeks with my brother by Nicholas Sparks and Duty First (which is my book review for the Corps Magazine) by Ed Ruggero. Who says its busy here in PMA.
• I hope my grades will be better, I want to go down to Manila in two weeks... Physics is putting up a good fight