Romantic experience

I said I felt bad while writing the entry below and I still feel bad now. I thought that I can not do much in the way I feel but to just feel it, anyway it's my choice... or I'm just being impatient?

I came to that question when I started to think about the things that have happened to me. I have to say that I am not that good as a person. I still think of doing ugly things to people and I have wicked ideas of revenge on people that I hate, but I would say that at the end of it all I try my best to be good, maybe I'm just stubborn, just waiting to learn things the hard way. In fact, the very reason why I do things the way I do it now because of a lesson that I learned the hard way... now this is another confession and here it goes.

Ever since I was young, I have always been a hopeless romantic. I was imagining romance as if they appear in magical worlds where they end up living happily ever after. I was always in dreamland when it comes to this aspect, maybe that is the reason why it seems that I have come to contemplate on this area very often. In high school, I remembered this crush I had that just blew me away that I spent most of the time writing poetry about my feelings. These poems never really got published but I just enjoyed writing them. The girl was never able to read this poems, I was afraid. In fourth year, I met this young girl from Baguio in a Youth Forum that we both attended. I was mesmerized and since I was in Dumaguete and she was in Baguio we started writing each other, she was to become my first romantic experience. When I graduated high school, I went to Baguio, under the guise of visiting my brother who was already in PMA then and that was to become my first real date with a woman. We were both 15 and the circumstances that lead to our meeting was something that happened in the magical worlds that I imagined. It still brings a smile in my face everytime I remember that event. When she went to college at UP Diliman, we spent time together but little by little, the fairy tale was lost and soon we drifted apart. So we lost touch, after more than 4 years of imagining fairy tales, the reality dawned and that was it. I never saw her again. One time as I was browsing through friendster, I saw the account of her sister and from that I was able to find her number. Every now and then when I remember we text each other just checking on things and sometimes teasing about the things that happened in the past. I later learned that she graduated from UP with honors and is now working for a multinational company. She was brilliant by the way. And then just when I was to go back to PMA last 2004, I met this girl, things happened so fast and then by the time I knew it I was in deep trouble. That was to be my hardest lesson to learn in romance. And so I now come to the present. Just waiting and waiting... to be honest I do not really know what I am waiting for, I just know that it will just come in God's time.

I feel bad because I dread each moment that nothing seems to happen. But despite that, I continue to wait, remembering the lessons that I learned the hard way, praying to God and hoping that all the wait will soon end. I just hope. Maybe there is something to learn in the experience that I am having. Even as I feel all this negative emotions, I am actually being delighted by the surprises and the insights I get out of all the feelings I have. Well, I do not know, as of now I just know that things will be well in the end.

Confessions...

I just received an e-mail from my roommate's girlfriend, she's leaving him. If you come to think of it, its really none of my business but let me tell you a confession, I caused it.

It's not that I am meddling with the affairs of my classmates, I really don't but I have always told them that not to expect me to cover up for them when asked. So there has been this some kind of rule in the room that I am not to be introduced to any of the girls unless they are serious about that girl. That is how I get through my conscience, I hear their stories but all the girls they talk about are merely names to me whose faces I do not know. Their escapades to me are some kind of porn flick whose characters I can not identify. Whenever I see them around with these girls, I try not to go near them and if ever I am introduced for purposes of etiquette, I keep it short and then I go out of sight. That has become our routine and it was working for the past more than a year that we have been room mates.

Now the incident that happened has a history. About a year ago, the room mate that I was referring to learned that his girlfriend (the real one) was seeing someone. The reaction was pitiful, he was just devastated, for the first time I saw him cry like a little baby. You see this girlfrind has a very long history. They have been together for about three years already, both knew each other's family and may I say close to them. Despite of my philandering room mate, I must say that he's feelings for the girl are genuine only that he doesn't understand a thing about the word commitment. I do not want to debate on that, just take my word for it I know this people. And so feeling pity for my room mate, I made a long sermon to the girl and eventually saved their relationship (see, I'm not that bad). Now a year after, I see the same pattern with my room mate and the girl is just out there. Every now and then she sends me e-mails reminding me to take care of my room mate. But this one time a few days ago, she asked me a direct question; my answer was a simple no comment. Of course, that would simply open up to other doubts until finally in one long e-mail I told her the things that I know. I told her how intense the feelings of my room mate is for her, how he lights up when we talk about her in the room. But I also told her how he bad his perception is regarding commitment, how I disagree with what he is doing, I think you get the picture. Then yesterday, she sent me an e-mail, she's breaking up with him.

This very event has perhaps caused me to examine my state in the area of relationships and this is what led me to understand

I do not know if I will feel bad about what happened. Although I'm the first one to know (even my room mate is clueless), I am confused if I am doing the right thing. When I was contemplating on what to do, I thought that what I was doing was fair for everyone. I felt that maybe in time when my room mate has matured he will understand why I just have to do it for him. Its not actually the first time that I "meddled" in other people's affairs, the difference this time is that it was my friend who was doing the other wrong. My concern is not really much in the side of whether I did the right thing or not, my concern is if it will cause problems with my relationship to my room mate. I am afraid that if he finds out I had a hand on what happened, he might just hate me for the rest of our cadet days. But its done, and the consequences of my action will just come.

You may judge me for what I did, I basically do not care. Last night as I was texting another friend who was thanking me for one good advice I gave her a long time ago, I felt sorry. I felt sorry not because she now is happy but because in all the "good advices" that I give, there's none of it that I can apply to myself. My room mates laugh at me because I insist on writing letters when there are many out there just waiting for a text from me and will bring me food when they come and visit, if only I will play along. I expose my deficiencies to people that I should be impressing even to the point of hurting them because of the belief that I have to be honest and sincere. And in the times that I think of all that is happening on my life in this area, I weep feeling sorry for the things that I could be enjoying if only I was not sticking to some principle I decided to follow. I feel bad about the very fact that I am single knowing that it was by my own doing. Every night, I thank God for allowing me the chance to meet people that caused my heart to leap even if they ignore me. Everytime my mind wanders, I imagine being with these people doing things that I enjoy most but really knowing that those may not become a reality. Perhaps I am ready to fall in love, I have so much love to give but noone to receive. Not because there is noone but I am believing that God has taken cared of it and that He will give it to me in His time. Yes, I am relying on God, and despite of how much wisdom I exude regarding relationships and love, I am clueless with myself in that area. I have simply given it all up. I am choosing to believe that it will just come, I hope sooner.

I'm feeling bad about this... I'll write again some other time about this topic

I do not have the energy to write

I'm sorry for not posting anything, I'm actually looking for something to post since I am just too tired to think about a literary masterpiece. I'm just here I suggest you read other parts of this blog like The PEN, more particularly my two years worth of blogging, which is just my blog when I was still dreaming to be a cadet. Just read from there, I think you will find some interesting entries there. I also suggest you read other entries in that section, some are those that were published in the Corps Magazine.... Well as I said, I'm tired, I'll be beack promise...

An Ode to the People I love

The state of emergency has been lifted, finally we are assured of a break. But now I wonder what to do with my break. We were told that the maximum break that we have will be about three days, the other classes will have more break. My class will just have to make some sacrifices in lieu of bigger responsibilities that we are going to undertake once the new cadets to compose the class of 2010 will come on 01 April. I am now beginning to imagine how it would be once this plebes are receiveda and given the "grand" welcome they deserve, I can just smile at the thought.

But this entry is not about being squad leaders, I will deal with that in future entries, I simply want to write about the upcoming break. When my eldest brother came here to attend the Alumni Homecoming last month, he invited me to go to Nueva Ecija for me to see the high tech weapons of his unit, the Light Reaction Battallion. I am contemplating on it, but then again I have other things in mind. Daddy also wants me to go somewhere, I think Boracay but I wonder if three days is enough. For my part, I want to see people, I'm now thinking of a particular someone, I hope it happens. I want to check on my aunt who is so depressed in the house with nothing to do. She is the aunt who raised us while my mother was in the States and I hate the fact that she is depressed. I also want to see my niece, who they say is beginning to show her talking potential. I want to visit a friend that is still not talking to me up this time after some misunderstanding a few months back. I want to make an overhaul on this website which I can only do if I am using our computer in our house. There are still so many things in my mind but what occupies me more is that there is just so much to do for a very short time. Finally I can be free even for just a while, and yet I am still confused. What is it really that I want.

I would like to think that I have to recharge my spirit. I have been lonely for quite a while, being depressed even on petty things, wondering in darkness, talking to myself when walking alone, something is just wrong with me. At the end of it all, just when I am about to be promoted again to the next class and closer to graduation, I dread my existence. I imagine a nice chat at Starbuck's finally putting another of those stickers on my card. I am beginning to day dream a lot just imagining the things that I want to do and I just can't wait for that day to come. The dreamer in me just sets in hoping that I could just get a glimpse of the wonderful imaginings that I have in my isolation. I just want to be free again, free to do what I want, free to see people, free to just live life as if nothing mattered.

I hope that when that day comes, people will just give me the chance to allow me to reach out to them. I hope that they will be patient with me considering that I only have three days of freedom. I really hope that people will understand how lonely I have become and allow me to tell them how much I missed them, how sorry I was for hurting them, if ever. I would like to tell people how much they inspired me to go on with my training looking forward to the day that I can finally share with them the victories, joys and everything that made me smile while I'm here. I think all this that I am saying just leads to one thing, I want to share my life with them.

So I am done again, I do not know how things will become. I hope the people that I am referring to will just read this... Sana maawa naman kayo.... Well, I just hope.... See you people

What is... VAULTFILES

When asked in my tagboard what vaultfiles means I kind of realize how things are different when I use the cadet lingo in what I write here. I realized that people may not understand and considering an answer by another visitor which was not quite correct, I find it necessary to explain some of the things. I decided that everytime things like this come up, I will just have to do the explaining. In a way this will be some kind of a crash tour in the cadet culture.

The cadets, being somewhat isolated to the outside world, has developed a certain sub-culture that distinguishes it from other institutions. Just like students from UP are able to come up with their own sub-culture, the more that cadets are able to develop their own. This is in fact one of the things that identify us even to our graduates. We use words such as ungas, mato, laksitibo, vaultfiles, tuyo and others which to some can be misunderstood.

I have had an experience of being used to calling people ungas only to realize that they were offended when I use the term. Ungas can actually mean so many things, it could mean "nanggagago" or simply somebody who jokes around or somebody who is not serious. Now the reason for this entry is on the term VAULTFILES. As I said in the tagboard, it can mean a lot of things depending in the context upon which it is used. So here it goes.

As a rule, the word generally means the usual or its not new. When a joke is given by anyone it is vaultfiles if the joke is common and that many have heard of it. When you do something that is the usual such as marching, going on parade, ironing uniforms, we call it the vaultfiles. When I said in an entry that the Superintendent addressed those cadets sitting beside the ladies to do the vaultfiles, it simply means to do the usual thing that cadets do when they are seated with beautiful ladies (in that instant it means that they get to know the lady, perhaps get their numbers and then....). And so one "tambay" as he or she would put it in the tagboard defined the term in the context of women. I have to say that using the term vaultfiles in the context of women is negative in nature (ladies, take note). A lady is said to be vaultfiles when he has had several boyfriends who are cadets. Something like she was a girlfriend of class 2001, 2002, 2003 and so on. Some people may not believe it, but there really are women out there who are somewhat obsessed with cadets. They feel that they just have to have a boyfriend that wears the full dress. And so they are somewhat "passed on" from one class to another. They are actually "the usual" girlfriends of cadets. Here in PMA, we have come to identify this type of women, those that we see with one cadet and then in another day with another cadet. They are not reserved girls, as the tambay would put it, sometimes they are the OAO (one and only, another lingo we use) of the cadet only that the face is just so familiar that they are regarded as vaultfiles. Of course, not all of them are the vaultfiles that have negative connotation, some of them just happened to have so many cadet suitors that they end up with several cadets. I do not want to debate on whether the notion of some cadets about these women are correct, this is not something tha can be debated on, this is something that is part of the cadet culture.

Well, if you have other questions, just ask away, I will be very glad to answer your queries. In the meantime I'll do the vaultfiles, go back to barracks and doze.