I just received an e-mail from my roommate's girlfriend, she's leaving him. If you come to think of it, its really none of my business but let me tell you a confession, I caused it.
It's not that I am meddling with the affairs of my classmates, I really don't but I have always told them that not to expect me to cover up for them when asked. So there has been this some kind of rule in the room that I am not to be introduced to any of the girls unless they are serious about that girl. That is how I get through my conscience, I hear their stories but all the girls they talk about are merely names to me whose faces I do not know. Their escapades to me are some kind of porn flick whose characters I can not identify. Whenever I see them around with these girls, I try not to go near them and if ever I am introduced for purposes of etiquette, I keep it short and then I go out of sight. That has become our routine and it was working for the past more than a year that we have been room mates.
Now the incident that happened has a history. About a year ago, the room mate that I was referring to learned that his girlfriend (the real one) was seeing someone. The reaction was pitiful, he was just devastated, for the first time I saw him cry like a little baby. You see this girlfrind has a very long history. They have been together for about three years already, both knew each other's family and may I say close to them. Despite of my philandering room mate, I must say that he's feelings for the girl are genuine only that he doesn't understand a thing about the word commitment. I do not want to debate on that, just take my word for it I know this people. And so feeling pity for my room mate, I made a long sermon to the girl and eventually saved their relationship (see, I'm not that bad). Now a year after, I see the same pattern with my room mate and the girl is just out there. Every now and then she sends me e-mails reminding me to take care of my room mate. But this one time a few days ago, she asked me a direct question; my answer was a simple no comment. Of course, that would simply open up to other doubts until finally in one long e-mail I told her the things that I know. I told her how intense the feelings of my room mate is for her, how he lights up when we talk about her in the room. But I also told her how he bad his perception is regarding commitment, how I disagree with what he is doing, I think you get the picture. Then yesterday, she sent me an e-mail, she's breaking up with him.
This very event has perhaps caused me to examine my state in the area of relationships and this is what led me to understand
I do not know if I will feel bad about what happened. Although I'm the first one to know (even my room mate is clueless), I am confused if I am doing the right thing. When I was contemplating on what to do, I thought that what I was doing was fair for everyone. I felt that maybe in time when my room mate has matured he will understand why I just have to do it for him. Its not actually the first time that I "meddled" in other people's affairs, the difference this time is that it was my friend who was doing the other wrong. My concern is not really much in the side of whether I did the right thing or not, my concern is if it will cause problems with my relationship to my room mate. I am afraid that if he finds out I had a hand on what happened, he might just hate me for the rest of our cadet days. But its done, and the consequences of my action will just come.
You may judge me for what I did, I basically do not care. Last night as I was texting another friend who was thanking me for one good advice I gave her a long time ago, I felt sorry. I felt sorry not because she now is happy but because in all the "good advices" that I give, there's none of it that I can apply to myself. My room mates laugh at me because I insist on writing letters when there are many out there just waiting for a text from me and will bring me food when they come and visit, if only I will play along. I expose my deficiencies to people that I should be impressing even to the point of hurting them because of the belief that I have to be honest and sincere. And in the times that I think of all that is happening on my life in this area, I weep feeling sorry for the things that I could be enjoying if only I was not sticking to some principle I decided to follow. I feel bad about the very fact that I am single knowing that it was by my own doing. Every night, I thank God for allowing me the chance to meet people that caused my heart to leap even if they ignore me. Everytime my mind wanders, I imagine being with these people doing things that I enjoy most but really knowing that those may not become a reality. Perhaps I am ready to fall in love, I have so much love to give but noone to receive. Not because there is noone but I am believing that God has taken cared of it and that He will give it to me in His time. Yes, I am relying on God, and despite of how much wisdom I exude regarding relationships and love, I am clueless with myself in that area. I have simply given it all up. I am choosing to believe that it will just come, I hope sooner.
I'm feeling bad about this... I'll write again some other time about this topic
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