The origin of Ang Munting Bukayo

I basically do not know what to write. Usually, I browse around the net to stimulate my mind and come up with my idea. After sometime, I started reading my previous entries only to realize that the last two had been too emotional, very heavy if I may say. I feel that somehow, those entries do not really reflect my personality because I am a happy person. I love life and I enjoy going through it even if everything is not always pleasant. And so I decided to write something happy, something that will change the atmosphere of this blog, something to refresh the soul.

When this blog came into being about four years ago, I was merely somebody who did not have anything to do. I was discharged from PMA, I do not have money for school and I have no idea what to do-- I was basically a bum. With little technical know how and a little confidence in my english, I started a website. First it wasn't in this format, I was merely experimenting on my discovery of the photoshop and imageready. Little by little, I came up with content and finally I had a website. My first visitors were the people that I chat with. When I chat with them I tell them to visit my site. I do not know if they were telling the truth when they tell me their comments but it was them that motivated me to keep on improving it. After sometime, I became addicted to the internet that it was all that I was doing even in the wee hours. I learned html from there and had little knowledge on flash. On a flight to Cebu with my father one time, I saw an ad of a Computer School in a magazine that they gave out and web design interested me. Upon my return to Manila, I convince my father to give me money to enroll in that school. That was to be my first regular instruction in computing. In time, I began to deal mostly on my feelings, writing it as if nothing else mattered. When I feel bad, I write it, I practically wrote my life and to be honest it was from the blog that I began to gain confidence with the way I write, little did I know that writing will become useful.

In the three or more years that I have been blogging, much have changed. When I started, most of what I write was about my frustration of not being able to go back to PMA. I write about the many misfortunes I had practically begging people to give me another chance to go back to PMA. But I also wrote about the changes in my life. I wrote about finding God in so many places. I wrote about friendship to people I meet and I even write about my crushes. I practically wrote everything. When I was finally allowed to take the entrance exam again last September 2003, I waited eagerly for the results and it was from there that I made one prediction that came true. A few days before my birthday, I wrote that I will march back to PMA come 01 April 2004. To make the long story short I did. In my entry two days before reporting for duty as a cadet again, I wrote a conclusion promising that once in PMA I will find a way to blog again.

The promise came true after almost a year. The rigors of plebehood must have made me forgot. In one January evening, as I was browsing through the internet, I went to my old site and read. Suddenly, I was nostalgic over the vastness of the emotions I felt. I began to appreciate my state and that I was thankful. I decided to start blogging again. The lay-out that you see now is a result of a project that I did for my computer subject on which I got a 19.8 out of 20, I simply do not know what the deductions were.

Today, I have come to realize how much have changed. How life has improved and how I matured. When I read my previous entries, I can just reminisce at all the memories that I had thankful to God for all the things that He has done. This blog is not just an expression of me as a person or as a cadet. I would like to believe that more than being my words, this is a testament to the goodness of God to the life that He gave me. I hope that inasmuch as God has become evident in the so many experiences that I had, in all my ups and downs, in all my joys and frustration, the same God has also used these experiences to reveal Himslef to your life as well. This is a celebration of life. As Desiderata would put it "...with all its shame, drudgery and broken dreams; It is still a beautiful world; Be careful, strive to be happy..."

Romantic experience

I said I felt bad while writing the entry below and I still feel bad now. I thought that I can not do much in the way I feel but to just feel it, anyway it's my choice... or I'm just being impatient?

I came to that question when I started to think about the things that have happened to me. I have to say that I am not that good as a person. I still think of doing ugly things to people and I have wicked ideas of revenge on people that I hate, but I would say that at the end of it all I try my best to be good, maybe I'm just stubborn, just waiting to learn things the hard way. In fact, the very reason why I do things the way I do it now because of a lesson that I learned the hard way... now this is another confession and here it goes.

Ever since I was young, I have always been a hopeless romantic. I was imagining romance as if they appear in magical worlds where they end up living happily ever after. I was always in dreamland when it comes to this aspect, maybe that is the reason why it seems that I have come to contemplate on this area very often. In high school, I remembered this crush I had that just blew me away that I spent most of the time writing poetry about my feelings. These poems never really got published but I just enjoyed writing them. The girl was never able to read this poems, I was afraid. In fourth year, I met this young girl from Baguio in a Youth Forum that we both attended. I was mesmerized and since I was in Dumaguete and she was in Baguio we started writing each other, she was to become my first romantic experience. When I graduated high school, I went to Baguio, under the guise of visiting my brother who was already in PMA then and that was to become my first real date with a woman. We were both 15 and the circumstances that lead to our meeting was something that happened in the magical worlds that I imagined. It still brings a smile in my face everytime I remember that event. When she went to college at UP Diliman, we spent time together but little by little, the fairy tale was lost and soon we drifted apart. So we lost touch, after more than 4 years of imagining fairy tales, the reality dawned and that was it. I never saw her again. One time as I was browsing through friendster, I saw the account of her sister and from that I was able to find her number. Every now and then when I remember we text each other just checking on things and sometimes teasing about the things that happened in the past. I later learned that she graduated from UP with honors and is now working for a multinational company. She was brilliant by the way. And then just when I was to go back to PMA last 2004, I met this girl, things happened so fast and then by the time I knew it I was in deep trouble. That was to be my hardest lesson to learn in romance. And so I now come to the present. Just waiting and waiting... to be honest I do not really know what I am waiting for, I just know that it will just come in God's time.

I feel bad because I dread each moment that nothing seems to happen. But despite that, I continue to wait, remembering the lessons that I learned the hard way, praying to God and hoping that all the wait will soon end. I just hope. Maybe there is something to learn in the experience that I am having. Even as I feel all this negative emotions, I am actually being delighted by the surprises and the insights I get out of all the feelings I have. Well, I do not know, as of now I just know that things will be well in the end.

Confessions...

I just received an e-mail from my roommate's girlfriend, she's leaving him. If you come to think of it, its really none of my business but let me tell you a confession, I caused it.

It's not that I am meddling with the affairs of my classmates, I really don't but I have always told them that not to expect me to cover up for them when asked. So there has been this some kind of rule in the room that I am not to be introduced to any of the girls unless they are serious about that girl. That is how I get through my conscience, I hear their stories but all the girls they talk about are merely names to me whose faces I do not know. Their escapades to me are some kind of porn flick whose characters I can not identify. Whenever I see them around with these girls, I try not to go near them and if ever I am introduced for purposes of etiquette, I keep it short and then I go out of sight. That has become our routine and it was working for the past more than a year that we have been room mates.

Now the incident that happened has a history. About a year ago, the room mate that I was referring to learned that his girlfriend (the real one) was seeing someone. The reaction was pitiful, he was just devastated, for the first time I saw him cry like a little baby. You see this girlfrind has a very long history. They have been together for about three years already, both knew each other's family and may I say close to them. Despite of my philandering room mate, I must say that he's feelings for the girl are genuine only that he doesn't understand a thing about the word commitment. I do not want to debate on that, just take my word for it I know this people. And so feeling pity for my room mate, I made a long sermon to the girl and eventually saved their relationship (see, I'm not that bad). Now a year after, I see the same pattern with my room mate and the girl is just out there. Every now and then she sends me e-mails reminding me to take care of my room mate. But this one time a few days ago, she asked me a direct question; my answer was a simple no comment. Of course, that would simply open up to other doubts until finally in one long e-mail I told her the things that I know. I told her how intense the feelings of my room mate is for her, how he lights up when we talk about her in the room. But I also told her how he bad his perception is regarding commitment, how I disagree with what he is doing, I think you get the picture. Then yesterday, she sent me an e-mail, she's breaking up with him.

This very event has perhaps caused me to examine my state in the area of relationships and this is what led me to understand

I do not know if I will feel bad about what happened. Although I'm the first one to know (even my room mate is clueless), I am confused if I am doing the right thing. When I was contemplating on what to do, I thought that what I was doing was fair for everyone. I felt that maybe in time when my room mate has matured he will understand why I just have to do it for him. Its not actually the first time that I "meddled" in other people's affairs, the difference this time is that it was my friend who was doing the other wrong. My concern is not really much in the side of whether I did the right thing or not, my concern is if it will cause problems with my relationship to my room mate. I am afraid that if he finds out I had a hand on what happened, he might just hate me for the rest of our cadet days. But its done, and the consequences of my action will just come.

You may judge me for what I did, I basically do not care. Last night as I was texting another friend who was thanking me for one good advice I gave her a long time ago, I felt sorry. I felt sorry not because she now is happy but because in all the "good advices" that I give, there's none of it that I can apply to myself. My room mates laugh at me because I insist on writing letters when there are many out there just waiting for a text from me and will bring me food when they come and visit, if only I will play along. I expose my deficiencies to people that I should be impressing even to the point of hurting them because of the belief that I have to be honest and sincere. And in the times that I think of all that is happening on my life in this area, I weep feeling sorry for the things that I could be enjoying if only I was not sticking to some principle I decided to follow. I feel bad about the very fact that I am single knowing that it was by my own doing. Every night, I thank God for allowing me the chance to meet people that caused my heart to leap even if they ignore me. Everytime my mind wanders, I imagine being with these people doing things that I enjoy most but really knowing that those may not become a reality. Perhaps I am ready to fall in love, I have so much love to give but noone to receive. Not because there is noone but I am believing that God has taken cared of it and that He will give it to me in His time. Yes, I am relying on God, and despite of how much wisdom I exude regarding relationships and love, I am clueless with myself in that area. I have simply given it all up. I am choosing to believe that it will just come, I hope sooner.

I'm feeling bad about this... I'll write again some other time about this topic

I do not have the energy to write

I'm sorry for not posting anything, I'm actually looking for something to post since I am just too tired to think about a literary masterpiece. I'm just here I suggest you read other parts of this blog like The PEN, more particularly my two years worth of blogging, which is just my blog when I was still dreaming to be a cadet. Just read from there, I think you will find some interesting entries there. I also suggest you read other entries in that section, some are those that were published in the Corps Magazine.... Well as I said, I'm tired, I'll be beack promise...

An Ode to the People I love

The state of emergency has been lifted, finally we are assured of a break. But now I wonder what to do with my break. We were told that the maximum break that we have will be about three days, the other classes will have more break. My class will just have to make some sacrifices in lieu of bigger responsibilities that we are going to undertake once the new cadets to compose the class of 2010 will come on 01 April. I am now beginning to imagine how it would be once this plebes are receiveda and given the "grand" welcome they deserve, I can just smile at the thought.

But this entry is not about being squad leaders, I will deal with that in future entries, I simply want to write about the upcoming break. When my eldest brother came here to attend the Alumni Homecoming last month, he invited me to go to Nueva Ecija for me to see the high tech weapons of his unit, the Light Reaction Battallion. I am contemplating on it, but then again I have other things in mind. Daddy also wants me to go somewhere, I think Boracay but I wonder if three days is enough. For my part, I want to see people, I'm now thinking of a particular someone, I hope it happens. I want to check on my aunt who is so depressed in the house with nothing to do. She is the aunt who raised us while my mother was in the States and I hate the fact that she is depressed. I also want to see my niece, who they say is beginning to show her talking potential. I want to visit a friend that is still not talking to me up this time after some misunderstanding a few months back. I want to make an overhaul on this website which I can only do if I am using our computer in our house. There are still so many things in my mind but what occupies me more is that there is just so much to do for a very short time. Finally I can be free even for just a while, and yet I am still confused. What is it really that I want.

I would like to think that I have to recharge my spirit. I have been lonely for quite a while, being depressed even on petty things, wondering in darkness, talking to myself when walking alone, something is just wrong with me. At the end of it all, just when I am about to be promoted again to the next class and closer to graduation, I dread my existence. I imagine a nice chat at Starbuck's finally putting another of those stickers on my card. I am beginning to day dream a lot just imagining the things that I want to do and I just can't wait for that day to come. The dreamer in me just sets in hoping that I could just get a glimpse of the wonderful imaginings that I have in my isolation. I just want to be free again, free to do what I want, free to see people, free to just live life as if nothing mattered.

I hope that when that day comes, people will just give me the chance to allow me to reach out to them. I hope that they will be patient with me considering that I only have three days of freedom. I really hope that people will understand how lonely I have become and allow me to tell them how much I missed them, how sorry I was for hurting them, if ever. I would like to tell people how much they inspired me to go on with my training looking forward to the day that I can finally share with them the victories, joys and everything that made me smile while I'm here. I think all this that I am saying just leads to one thing, I want to share my life with them.

So I am done again, I do not know how things will become. I hope the people that I am referring to will just read this... Sana maawa naman kayo.... Well, I just hope.... See you people