My so-called Lovelife

<-- Ito ang aking pet sa barracks... har har

There are many things that I feel right now but I find it hard to express. I really want to say it but I'm just confused. But I'm always like this and the more and play with the keyboard and just be spontaneous something of sense will come out.

As I was reviewing for a major exam last night, I had the chance of having some little text chat with a friend from far away. It wasn't exactly the chat that I always do as most of my friends have given up asking me how I am because I also have become board giving them good answers. It has been like that for the past month, even the one friend who continues to send me letters through the postal service has ran out of things to say because she now has her boylet to say those things to. My classmates, especially my room mates, are not exactly the type of people that would be interested to listen to my rantings as the do not exactly know my soft side. So, I was left with this one person who could at least enlighten me with the things that have been bothering my mind.

My so called lovelife as I keep on babbling about in this blog is limited to a letter a week and some text message once in two months. Over the months, I have somewhat became comfortable with that and did not really mind much. In the earlier part I was a bit restless, apprehensive and even fearsome because I was just revealing myself to someone that I do not even know who wants to be told with those nonesense. There are times that I would spend most of the night just wondering about the things that I do not know. But I continue to write believing that what we reap is what we sow. I gain confidence in my optimistic view on things and on the premiss that my intentions are pure and sincere. In the days that I had to give up some luxuries when I went to Leadership Development Course, I tried my best to find time to write, some of which were written on dirty pieces of paper that was an evident on the kind of life I was subjected to in that training. In the nights that I write those letters, my classmate would make fun at me saying that I was just plain stupid. But I went on, asking other people to mail the letters for me (which they did not do) even saving the little money that I have so that I can mail my letters when time permits. But eventhough the possibility of going to the post office was very slim, I continued to write because I wanted to capture the exact emotion I had and how I have been longing for something... maybe how I have been longing for her. Even as I moved on to become squad leader to the new plebes who were at summer camp then, I squeezed in letter writing even if the training directorate required so much time for the squad leaders that it was really very exhausting. I survived all that and began a new academic term where I have more time to write. I guess the point I am driving at is that despite of the things that I encountered trying to make my letters and the disappointment of not having to receive anything as a feedback, I have come to love it. Not because I am some self centered person who enjoys narrating stories about himself but because it's as if I am sharing my life with someone. Somehow, there is this hope that a time will come that she will also share hers with mine. I realized that in my situation thats the least that I can do to at least put emphasis the point that something in me was changed because of the way she touched my life.

My rantings are useless to most people as I have heard many who just told me as plainly stupid but what the heck. I don't think believing in something that is good in the purest intentions is being stupid even if it takes a long long time to be realized. I am choosing to believe that at the end of it all it is not how people think of me, it is on how true I was to myself and to the feelings that I have for someone who just made my life a little better. Although I do not necessarily feel good about my state, I am contented with my life and I know that whatever it is that comes out of this, it will only be for the better... But I really really hope she snaps out of it....

A tribute to my Daddy

I have a hard time typing this entry, I must have punched so hard during my boxing class this afternoon that I can not move three fingers on my left hand. But I have to write this entry because this is for my Daddy who will be celebrating his birthday tommorrow. I intend to write a tribute for my father who has made a tremendous impact on my life.

I was what they call a father's boy. My mother told me that when she was pregnant with me it was my father that she always wanted to see. Although science can not reallty prove the connection, but as a little boy I always wanted to see him. There was even a time when I got sick if I do not see my father for a very long time. I would do my best to always be with my daddy even squeeze into little spaces so that I can be beside him ALWAYS. So it was not a surprise that I was the most devastated when he separated with my mother and that I learned that he was raising another family aside from us. From that point on, I resented him and did everything I could to do some sort of vengeful act against him. I bad mouthed him, insulted my half siblings, even wishing that he'd die. When my mother left for the States to work, I resented him more thinking that if only he was a good father, my mother wouldn't have to leave us. I did silly things because of this hatred and continued to plot against him. When my mother died of cancer, I hated him more and asked God why is it that it was my mother who died when my father was the bad one. All these things led to other events in my life that pushed me away and away from my father. But deep inside, I was simply trying to get the attention of my father, I simply wanted to be Daddy's boy.

Then I became a Christian and realized that one can not live a Christian life with hatred dwelling in one's heart. With constant prayer, I began to open up and really tried my best to start forgiving my father. It wasn't easy for everytime I feel good about him, the memories of my late mother came surging into my system and again I blame him for my loss. I knew he was trying to reach out, wanting to be forgiven but there are just so many issues, so many bad feelings that can not simply be ignored. I continued and prayed some more. Just it was God's grace that gave me the will to start forgiving my father, it was also through his miracle that I began to put sense in the so many things that happened to my life which led to the breakthrough of this struggle. One time, I was looking at old things from his cabinet when I found his planner back in 1977. He was still a cadet then and he was my mother's boyfriend. I learned that I was really very much like my father. He kept little notes about the things that happened and like me he was very honest on this notes. Chronicled in that planner was a portion of his love affair with my mother and his feelings. It was through those notes that I finally surrendered all the hatred I had for him. I understood that all the hatred that I harbored was not exactly because of him, it was because I felt unloved and unwanted when he separated with my mother when I was supposed to be Daddy's boy. I thought that he never loved my mother and because of that I was just someone born out of "libog." The things that he did began to make sense. I understood how sorry he was and that he loved me even when I thought he didn't, even when I considered him my enemy.

My father is a living example of how it is to be human. To accept that one commits mistake, takes responsibility for it and redeems himself. To be human is to rectify one's mistake and learn from it. He is an example of a loving father who never ceased to love his children even amidst the most difficult circumstances. He is the perfect example of redemption. He is the manifestation that love really never fails.

In a person's life, we do not always have the best circumstances. There will be so many instances where we have to deal with things that are bad. The challenge of living is to live it to the fullest despite these circumstances and always come out a better person.

To my father, I would like him to know that he is forgiven and that if ever given the chance to live again I would still choose him as my father. I am happier, more loving to people, more patient, more forgiving and above all more amazed of God's power because of him and for that I wouldn't exchange him for anything else in the world.

I LOVE YOU DADDY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I sincerely love all muslims

Except for those that I am really close with, not many people know that I love going to church. I became a Christian after I was discharged from the Academy and everyday that I stay here as a is a blessing to me. Every now and then I get to learn things that touch me in a very special way. The little sharing this morning was one of it.

Our guest was a new officer assigned here with us who just came from Lanao. He is founder of a foundation called Project ISLAM (for I sincerely love all muslims). He shared with us a video documentary of this project and how it has affected lives of our muslim brothers. And I was very touched that I wanted to be assigned in Mindanao immediately after graduation to help in that project.

The Project was a brain child of a Christian Pastor by the name of Florentino de Jesus who was deeply concerned with our muslim insurgency. He advocated that the only way to solve this problem is for the Christians to show genuine love to our muslim brothers. He spent 40 years trying to make something out of this vision but it just wasn't time. But this did not mean that his prayers were not heard by God. It was because of his dedication to this vision that one military officer by the name of Col Macaranas was convicted to commit to this cause. And so he did.

In 2000, when the government declared an all out war against the MILF rebels, many muslim communities became helpless victims to the ravages of war. Many of them were displaced and some even lost their lives. Their livelihood was destroyed and they were further shoved deep into poverty. This is where God started to work through Project Islam. In an onbscure town called Debalayan in Lanao Del Norte (or Sur, i'm not sure anymore) a group of soldiers started to rebuild what was destroyed by the war. They rebuilt houses for the muslims, gave clothes and fed them. This was something that the muslims of that community did not really receive so well for they were suspiscious that the Christians just wanted to convert them. The breakthrough came when they built a mosque for the people in that community. As the documentary would put it, it was perhaps the first mosque built by Christians. After this the muslims began to open up and all the suspiscion were lost. Now the Debalayan town is back on its feet but this time has felt the love of Christians. They have come to understand that although they differ in religion, they in fact worship one true God (it will take a lot of time to explain why is this so, maybe next time). Project Islam continues to support the community by sending some of its children to schools so that they can lead their community into further improving their lives.

The message of that project was very simple, that love begets love. War can not be solved by waging war but through its antidote, loving one another. If war is a solution then we certainly could have ended this problem. The example of Project Islam is an illustration of the power of God's love that just changes the heart of people, conquering religious barriers and making this world a better place.

As I said, I was touched by that project and I am thinking of interviewing that officer so that I can write something up for the Corps Magazine to spread the message of Project Islam further. But the message is clear love begets Love

Romance or "romance"

A couple of years back, I received a phone call from a lady friend. She was crying from the other line and she told me about her recent heartbreak. I think she was just so heartbroken with noone to talk to that she called me. I once courted this girl but not really agressively, she knows that I like her, we enjoyed each other's company but I wasn't just that interested. We were good friends. We talked for almost 30 minutes and after saying our goodbyes the call ended. We never mendtioned that convesation to each other everytime we see each other after that. It was as if it did not happen. And then we lost track of each other lived different lives and then I find myself here in PMA. One time as I was browsing through Friendster, I saw her sister's account. I felt that it was some twist of fate so I sent her sister a message asking for her number. A few weeks after I had her number sent her a short text message and then we were asking what happened to each other after seeing Claudine Barreto's Kailangan Kita (that was the last time we were together). I learned that she already graduated from college. She is about to be married in a year's time and is doing very well professionally. I wanted to see her when I go to Manila she seems not interested. So we became text friends, sending each other text messages every now and then. Because I wanted to see her, I always tell her when I will be in Manila. Then one time, while I was in Manila she called me up. She was again asking me another love question. She met the man who broke her heart (the one in that frantic phone call) and that he was courting him again. I was surprised that he was asking me because first I do not know anything about her life now especially the circumstances with her fiance but also why was I the one she asked. I later realized that she was already decided to leave her fiance and go to the other man (that broke her heart). I realized then that this girl is still living in a fairy tale. I later understood that the reason why we never became a couple was because she lived in a fairy tale and in that tale I was just the confidant. That boy(the one that broke her heart) was her prince charming and that was the reason why she was ready to leave her fiance almost immediately. She had to complete the tale so she has to tell her confidant(that was me). It's weird to think there was I time I felt so madly in love with this girl and that she graduated from the country's state university with high distinctions. I reprimanded her in the phone for that. We ended up having some kind of a fight that up to now she never sent me any text message. I do not know if she did leave her fiance and went to the boy who broke her heart. I guess she is just stupid (more stupid because she did not have me. I realized that romance can sometimes put us out of reality, cause us to become stupid.

I tell this story because I wonder if I am being stupid with what I am doing right now. Last night I received a text message from an older friend who knew my recent crush. She was the teacher of this girl that I had been sending a letter every week since January of this year. Upon her insistent inquiry, I admitted my great admiration to her student and told me things that somehow made me feel a little better with what is happening with my so called Love life. Every now and then, I look at the pictures of this girl and wonder if the juice is really worth the squeeze. Mind you it's not easy being me. Not that I am so proud of my "love" affairs but as a cadet I have discouraged so many of my admirers, really I have a few as I said I am a cadet. Nothing much is happening except that every sunday evening I contemplate hard on what to write to that lovely girl far far away that has swept me off my feet. When she sent me a text message last night I was the happiest person to think there wasn't even anything to be happy about with what she told me. When I learned from her posts in friendster that she was reading the book I gave her (and loving it) my heart leapt. I do not wish to answer whether I am being stupid with what I am doing. Honestly, I know that the reason why I do what I do is because to a certain extent I am still clinging on to that little hope that somehow my efforts will not be in vain.

In my last letter to her I said "...I told you before that I will only stop writing this letters once you tell me to stop. Somehow, I'm wishing that you'll never tell me to stop hoping that in the end something good will come out of whatever it is that I am doing. So I countinue to write... write... and write some more." Well that's it and I pray hard to God everyday for that something good.

Totoo

Mahirap talaga magsulat ng mga bagay na gusto mong ilabas pero ayaw mo talagang sabihin lahat kasi nakakahiya. Isipin mo, hindi naman lahat ng bagay na ginagawa natin eh proud tayo. Marami tayong "dark little secrets" na kahit pa gusto nating maging totoo ay hindi talaga pepwede. Kagaya ko, lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na gusto kong makilala ng mga tao kung sino talaga ako. Kaya sa blog na ito pilit akong nagpapakatotoo, sinasabi lahat ng bagay na maisipan. Pero pag talagang babasahin mo lahat ng aking sinusulat marami akong detalye na iniiwan kasi yung iba nakakahiya ng ipamalita sa madla, ano na lang ang sasabihin ko kung minsan may lumapit sa akin at ipaalala ang isang kahihiyan na binunyag ko dito. Sa totoo naman kasi lahat tayo gusto mag-iwan ng mga bagay bagay na tanging tayo lang o yung talagang malalapit lamang na kaibigan ang mga nakakaalam. O minsan naman naglalabas ako ng sama ng loob sa crush ko na puro dedma lang ang inabot ko, syempre hindi ko ibibigay todo ang pagsulat ng lahat ng sama ng loob ko mabasa pa lang nya eh di patay ako. Kagaya ngayon mneron akong gustong sabihin pero hindi ko talaga maisip kung paano kasi alam ko pag sinulat ko dito wala ng bawian, bahala na ang mga tao na mag-isip kung ano yun. Basta ganun.

Ganyan ganyan ang nangyari sa isa kong post. Biglang nagtext sa akin ang isa kong masugid na taga subaybay (naks) tungkol sa sinulat ko, sabi nya pa alam nya na raw. Ang ending kwinento ko na lang sa kanya ano talaga yun, so ngayon pag nangungulit ako sa kanya inaasar nya ako... buti na lang berks kami kaya hindi na rin masyadong nakakahiya. Ang problema ko lang eh yung mga hindi ko berks. Yung mga taong hindi naman ako kayang itext para magreact at sila sila na lang ang nag-uusap kung ano nga ba talaga ang ibig kong sabihin sa mga sinulat ko. Paano kung yung nakabasa eh yung upperclass ko o underclass ko o hindi ba tactical officer ko. Malay natin kaya pala kada makikita nila ako eh nakangiti na sila kasi kung ano ano na iniisip nila tungkol sa akin. Pero gaya nga ng lagi kong sinasabi pag hindi ko na talaga alam kung ano gagawin "walang pakialamanan." Gaya nito alam nyo ba na dalawang beses pa lang akong sumulat sa blog na ito ng talagang gamit ko lang ay ang salitang ugat eh mga limang taon na rin akong nag lalabas ng kung ano ano dito sa internet.. as in dalawa lang talaga... basta ganun walang pakialamanan kasi kahit ano pa talaga ang sabihin ko dito wala naman silang magagawa atsaka hindi ko naman responsbilidad na i-explain ang sarili ko sa ibang tao, basta ito ako, ito na yung pinaka totoo na pwede.