Getting what we want or risking it

Exchanging text messages earlier with a friend, I had this thought of putting into words what is it that I am doing right now with my so called lovelife. And that will be my topic for this blog entry.

I really think that the world we are living now is full of so much pretensions that instead of just being who we are, we adjust to this pretensions so that we can gain people who will be with us. That was also how I was when people always commented that I was just noisy. The thing is, I never gain a good first impression to people that I meet. It is always two things it's either I am shallow or I am simply proud. That is what I get for trying to be myself, opinionated and admissibly noisy. In my younger years, I hated it when people think that way about me. I have always known myself as someone, and if I may say, hindi po ako masamang tao. Even if people will most of the time immediately notice how noisy I can get, I still mantain that I am not somebody who speaks about useless things or just being boastful. I have so much to say because with my kind of personality I just have so much things going through my head that I can not help but blurt it out. I mantain that if one will just listen to what I say, nothing purely rubbish comes out of my mouth.

So the friend asks me, did I ever ask this girl what she thinks about me. That led me to think that I just might be afraid of what answer she'll give. But I remembered, sometime ago I confronted that issue even before I made up my mind over this. I hate it when people do not go beyond what their first impression on me is and conclude that I am just someone not worth dealing with. Even if I want to gain friends, I want these friends to be my friends because they know the real Alex and not some cadet from the Philippine Military Academy who takes advantage of the prestige and status that PMA has built up. When I was confronted by the reality that I am becoming fond of this girl, I took a risk that I never took before.

Most people see courtship as impressing another, putting forward his best asset. The lady feels good about this someone who is just so impressive and she gives in. After that, she realizes that the man is some psychopath who does not care about her and she lives a nightmare. It is easy to "bolahize" people but it will be hard to be accepted as the true person that you are. I am taking the risk of exposing all my weaknesses, showing the real me and somehow make her understand that this is me: the person. In the letters that I send every week, I usually talk about the things that have happened in my life, especially the sad ones and tell her how I felt about these things. I tell her how these things changed my life and the lessons that I learned. I try my best not to impress her with things that are easy to compose but just depend on the sincerity of the things that I have to say and feel. So I was asked by my textmate, "Paano yan wala na syang itatanong sa'yo kasi sinabi mo na lahat?" I was not able to answer back but upon contemplating I understood that one lifetime is not really enough to know a person but what is important is we get to be known based on the things that are true rather than an image that we create. One time, she texted me about my being "makulit" further saying that she is already used to it. Now I realize that she may not really like everything that is about me. But the bottom line is my heart is pure and that I am a true person. If in the end she is able to appreciate it then that's a reward for the risk I took. If she does not, at least I am sincere and be myself.

Sometimes the greatest challenge we hurdle as a person is just getting what we want or risk it believing in the fairness of life. I am choosing the latter. I am choosing to believe that I will sow what I reap and my heart tells me that she is worth the risk. When all is said and done, no matter how it will end, I am choosing to believe that I will get what I deserve. I am crossing my fingers everytime I write my letters at the same time I am believing that God is good all the time.

Some blog I read

I was browsing through different blogs when I chanced upon this blog. I thought it was funny how she is fascinated about what to do on her ex's birthday even decidin to send him a text message while I wonder what kind of text message I send this girl for her to at least reply. I think our concerns are both extremes. I guess I would be happy if some ex will send me some greeting on my birthday even if it is the simplest birthday greeting. As she said, coz once upon a time, we were in love. But now, with my predicament, I often wonder what is this that I am feeling right now. I guess each has their own struggle and each wonder how to deal with it. In the end there is really no point at cracking our heads in finding the best thing to do at everything that we feel even if it is about our exes or people that we care for. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to simply allow ourselves into the situation so that we can feel it and then we can decide better. In the end, however it turned out, we will still be getting what we deserve.

I'm feeling bad or good or whatever

I do not know how I am feeling right now. Its not that I am so ambitious about the things that will happen to my life, but there are just things that I really want to have. I just learned from an upperclass that I failed to make it in the selection process of some congress that I was recommended on. I do not know how they select it but I have been dreaming about this conference ever since I learned about it. When I was a fourthclass cadet, I was in awe seeing second class cadets going to this congress and from there I started to dream. In my yearling year, one participant even asked me to write his write-up for that congress so that he will be selected, and he did. Now its my turn and I will not get the chance to write something for me to be allowed to join that congress. I am not being conceited, I know that there are so many of my classmates who are very qualified to join that conference, but I really feel I should be chosen. Well who cares what I feel, its their decision anyway. This led me to question how this selection process works. For one, last year's top seeded candidates from the Academy's selection process were sacked of their chance when they finally faced the selection process for the congress itself. I can just conclude that the selection process here and the selection of the actual congress is not a match. Well you draw your conclusion I am really just pouring out my feelings over this upset. I do not know, I think I am praying for some miracle, maybe for something. At the end of it all I will just have to accept my fate and understand that life is not always how we want it, we lose some, win some but always we have to learn from every experience. I think I'm just feeling bad because I'm missing an opportunity that will never be offered to me again. Even if I will end up to become some great general in the future I will always remember this instance when I was just not good enough and it feels so bad. I do not want to dwell on this anymore.

I have finished writing my feature article for Project ISLAM. I wrote about this project a couple of weeks back in this blog but decided to write a full story of this project because I was really amazed with it. When I first heard about it in chuch I almost wanted to cry hearing how moving loving our brother muslims can be. It is a story of how love can conquer all even the greatest conflict known to the history of mankind. I felt that the least I can do is to tell the whole world of this project so that it can gain more and more support. I do not want to spoil what I wrote for the Corps Magazine but I will try my best to write something about this project so that I can declare its message even to those who will never have the opportunity to read our magazine. Just wait for it.

I realized that I haven't read a book for a while. The books that come my way these days are just not good and I haven't had the opportunity to go to a bookstore and by myself one. I am writing more these days, not writing about something but writing TO someone. Even if there are so many things that I feel bad about, especially about that congress at the beginning of this blog, it just makes me smile everything I think about this person that I am writing to every week. Last Friday, she finally answered some of my text messages and it was as if there was electricity flowing through my veins. I was just so happy even if she simply answered some question and that our exchange just had a sudden death. Nevertheless, I still cherish that night. She just made me so happy without her doing anything... Well, at least I am feeling this emotions even if I am not going to that congress... here I go again. I guess I just had to go now...

This is sooo cool

This is just so cool try it... click the link below

http://www.milaadesign.com/wizardy.html

Random Blog

I am apprehensive to write this post. I just feel that if I write very often some people may not be able to read the other posts and to think this is just some random update that I wish to do since I really do not have something to write in my mind. I just came from a major exam and I felt this could be a good way to unwind.

This morning I was shocked when my squadmate (a plebe) suddenly turned white while we were having mess. I gave him something "hot" as a punishment for not complying an order a gave him yesterday. Apparently he was not someone who is able to tolerate the "hotness" of the stuff I gave him and he just became pale. He started to slouch complaining that his stomach was painful. I tried coercing him until finally I threatened him of giving him another set of that "hot" stuff I gave him earlier and finally he corrected his posture. I do not wish to grosse out people of the reality of what we do here. I just wanted to give the impression of how things are done here. It may not be something that people will agree on but it is the system that we do. After that, I brought them somewhere and gave my speech on what is it that I wanted to to do. I expressed how I feel bad about the fact that they do not trust that I am doing the right thing in training them. I told them that my job is not to please them but to bring out the traits necessary for an effective and professional soldier. I was very emotional while talking to them because I really wanted them to understand why some things had to be done. I wanted to show that despite of how uncomfortable the way things are, it is part of training and unless they understand that they will not become the soldiers that we wish them to become. I again asked them to trust that I am doing what it is that I have to do. As I walked back to my barracks, I was just hoping that they understood what I meant. When we take our lunch this afternoon, I will continue to scrutinize what they do and continue to hope.

Last night, I had a nice time exchanging text messages with a good friend who was a wife of an upperclass. My fondness to that exchange was brought about by my interest to validate some of the theories I have about my so called lovelife (entry just before this one). I did have so many insights/ For her, I think she was just reminiscent of her own love story and how she ended up being married to someone of my own kind. I guess we do have something in common and I could sense her fascination to the replies I have on her inquiries. I think we will be having more of that exchange in the days to come.

My life is normal spiced up with wonderful things that are slowly revealing itself as I go on. I like the way things are going on, so many plans are on my mind and I continue to blog about all of it. I guess that is the beauty of this blog, we just do not know what comes next...