KC Concepcion, sending letters and leaps of faith

With nothing to do I retreat to the blog and just type away.

After writing my blog entry last night I remembered something that I thought of blogging but forgot it as I was so engrossed last night with my discovery of meebo. About a few days ago, I read about this write up of Ricky Lo about KC Concepcion having a reunion with her estranged father former teen star Gabby Concepcion. I read the whole thing according to the point of view of Sharon Cuneta's first born. You may find it weird but I do read the Entertainment Section of any newspaper I can get my hands on. I just find the life of those in the entertainment industry as interesting, even if some of the things that are published are cheap gossip or normal things that happen to all of us (the only difference is that theirs get to be exagerrated and placed where everyone can know about). Anyway going back to KC Concepcion, that article was something that sounds familiar to me. It was a revelation of how forgiveness can really set us free. About a couple of months ago, I read another article where KC said something that somehow implied the state of her relationship with her father. Reading that I kind of felt that I should talk to her about forgiving fathers. So reading the article I was talking about was somehow something that made me feel so good realizing that things that I have learned forgiving my father is not just true to me but to other people as well. For those who is not so familiar with what I am talking about just go here to know what I am saying.

I finally sent my letter for this week. Last Friday I started writing it, after 5 pages I decided I did not want to send it anymore so I stopped. Then Sunday I started a second letter. I wrote another three pages and then decided to stop, I did not want to send it again. The next days from Monday up to Wednesday was something that found me seated on my study table with a pen and a blank piece of paper in front of me. It wasn't that I did not know what to write her, it was because I wasn't sure if it was the time to tell her what was on my mind. Last night as I was trying to write again already worried because it was the middle of the week and I haven't wrote anything for her that I wanted to send, I tried to write again, this time though I was in some sort of trance where all I was thinking were the good things I remember of her, even the realizations that I had with myself writing her, being happy about her and all that. I went to bed without finishin the letter I was writing but I had the happiest moment alone as I think about her shortly before midnight. This afternoon, I wrote my letter again. After a few words, I decided to send the original letter I intended to send. I realized that the reason why I did not want to send it was because I was afraid. I was afraid of her possible reaction. Thinking deeper I was afraid to accept that I was really falling... for her. So I mastered enough courage, finished the letter, placed it inside the envelope change to another uniform and then sent it. Right now although I do not really feel good with how she might react, I'm glad I sent it. I am glad because it was a leap of faith of being honest despite of my hesitations and the uncertainty that lies ahead. I am glad because it wasn't something that was within reason it was simply following my heart.

In two day's time my brother will be celebrating his birthday so I am thinking of writing something about him in this blog for that ocassion. Sorry I am just a poor person with nothing to give as gift the least that I can do is to tell the whole world, or at least those reading this blog how much I appreciate the people that I love.

I guess that is all I can say for now... till then

A rundown of things

I have so many things in mind right now after not updating for several days. To be able to cover all of these thoughts, I will just make a rundown of the things that have happened, what I thought about it and just blog away as I always do, I promise to make sense.

A few days ago I read Cito Beltran's column in Philippine Star which he entitled Ordinary Pilipinos Lang. It was something about how we as a people consider ourselves and out countrymen as inferior thereby reducing the opportunitites of getting the best of what we are supposed to get. He pointed out that because we stereotype others as Ordinary Pilipinos Lang, we tend to reduce their capabilities and limit their contribution to many things in society. He pointed his own experience as a mere "talent" when he started as a broadcast journalist. He did not have benefits like the regulars and his only consolation that he was appearing in TV every now and then. It was good that he became the Cito Beltran that we know now but he wondered why he was merely a "talent" when the talent he acquired was something he studied for four long years in college. He then pointed out other workers that are mere contractual for the primary reason that they are Ordinary Pilipino Lang. They could have given more to their jobs if only they were not underestimated. All this goes back to our labor laws which allow these practices. These then allows businesses not to come up with good working conditions, just compensations and good benefits which boils down to lack of responsibility on the part of the employer. Putting it simply, they are treating these Ordinary Pilipinos (lang) as mere milking cows and worse, our government allows it.

I have contemplated on the matter of whether or not I am really in love or I am just in love with falling in love. It wasn't easy because I was a bit confused of whether or not I feel I am in love because of the girl or if it is because I just wanted to be in love. Honestly I wanted to be in love for the longest time but I always tried to be reasonable and not just decide without thinking things over. The reckoning point was one instant that still strikes me about this girl even as I try my best not to be overtaken by her. It was one morning after a very tiring day finishing the newsletter we were making. I was wide awake early in the morning maybe because of the body clock that I have developed as a cadet. I went out of the room while everyone else was still asleep. The sight at Caliraya was perfect, I was overlooking the mountains with the sun still peeking getting ready to rise. After sometime, I went back to the room and she was sleeping on the bed. She was covered in blankets and the little opening in the window allowed the rays of the sun to enter the room just enought to light her face. She was just so beautiful. I do not know if you have felt this but there are just some instances that you know you are seeing something that is divine. That is how I felt at that time. While the rest of the world was sleeping, I felt God talking to me through her and I started to weep. I went out of the room and said my prayer... Lord, guide my heart. I do not know if my explanation is valid but then again I know that I am not making it up, I do not expect people to believe me because this is entirely a personal thing I am just blogging about it to illustrate the point that Love is always from God. Hay nako, kinikilig ako...

I am being problematic again with my plebe. Earlier today I simply wanted to haze him just to correct him. I was just hopeless, I wanted to teach him a lesson so badly. But then again I remembered my vow and somehow I thought that I wouldn't be proving anything to him. I am losing my patience here maybe when I talk to him later I will just have to think of something... I do not know God please help me.

Well, this is the last week of Academics. By monday next week, I'm through with my only final exam only that I am not going anywhere outside PMA, I am confined. I am already contemplating on the things I can do. I guess I will just blog about the things that will happen while the rest of the Corps will go on vacation. Sorry people, no stories about books I will buy, people I will meet or places I will go to. I will be confined (literally) to pine trees, plebes and perhaps my never ending letter writing....

Empires, Voices and Naruto

My eyes are already aching. I spent the whole afternoon in front of the computer trying to finish my project, I mean our class project. For some reason the task of making the class project for my history class fell on my lap and. I finally gave up after realizing that I have been looking into a computer monitor for more than 5 hours already. I will just have to finish doing the project tomorrow when both my eyes and mind has rested, I just hope that I can still catch up and pass the project on time.

The service at the church today was something that I particularly like. I do not know why but there was just something with the service today that got me. I remember how observant the guest pastor was even concluding that our church is an exciting one and I think I agree to what he said. But let me blow your bubble, I am not to write somethign abhout how spiritual it was because the thing that struck me the most in that service was the duet done by our Chaplain and his wife. I do not know, I just can not help it but think so much about romance, one good Christian even said that maybe I am not actually in love with another person but I am in love with falling in love. I began a serious thought on that remark earlier and somehow I think that it could be correct. But I am not saying that it is correct. As far as I am concerned I am really just going along with what I am feeling and hoping very hard that in time I will know exactly what to do. I am not forcing anything I am just enjoying whatever it is that I am feeling right now, if at some point I will understand what it is really that I am going through (maybe realize that I am just really being crazy and not in love) at least I am sure that I did not do things my way and just allowed things to happen as it should. Anyway I am not to talk about that, I am to talk about the duet of Chaps with his lovely wife.

I once said to another friend that if ever I get married, she would have to be someone who can sing. Not that I would want to marry someone who can belch like Regine Velasquez but I just love singing and I hate it when people are out of tune even if it is none of my business. I just thought that if I get stuck with someone who sounds very bad, I might commit suicide. That is why Chaplain and Tita Zeny (thats the name of his wife) singing a duet in church was something that I really loved. It wasn' t that I was daydreaming again, I just was mesmerized with how their voices blended together superbly as if it was some divine melody. I could sense just by listening to their voices that they really are a loving couple and it is not always that we get that feeling. It was as if their voice were pieces of a puzzle that just fit perfectly.

I have no more idea what to write, I guess my mind has drained after thinking of Industrialism in Asia for the whole afternoon and trying to ask myself why the Muslim Empires were defeated. I will rest my mind now, I will not think of Empires, maybe I will just watch my room mates current addiction... Naruto.... hehehe have a good day people....

Imaginations

Pwede bang hini ko muna itutuloy yung series ko?

Reply: Pwede, by the looks lang sa'yo kaya yung blog

Thank you...

I was not able to sleep well yesterday afternoon. While my room mates were snoring away the afternoon, I was tossing and turning in my bunks (that's bed for you) trying to discard that thought that has constantly bothered me. Oh, bother is not exactly the word, it is just something that I can not get my mind off, it was fun but I just can not sleep because of it. Even as I was wrting the entry before this, my mind was wandering, I just have to force myself to squeeze out the remaining sense of me regarding that topic. This morning as I open my friendster account, I couldn't take it anymore, so I am writing it here, and perhaps just maybe something good will come out.

It is not easy being me. I mean with the finals fast approaching, everybody talking about what to do on break, the closer it gets, the weirder I feel. Its not that I feel so bad at not going on break, its just that the things that I will be missing is beginning to get a hold of me. Yesterday afternoon, I was imagining a dozen white roses early in the morning, with poetry attached. The words of that poem is somethign that I have not written but has constantly plagued my mind for say the past couple of months. I was thinking of beautiful hands against mine putting it above my heart as it beats nervously, not because I was afraid but because it can not take the happiness that it is experiencing. I was thinking of a beautiful romantic movie where the two people who watched it together are not talking. They are so focused on the movie being shown and it seems that they do not know each other. But inside that is not the case. Both of them are inside the movie, they are the main characters, when the two love birds in the movie kiss, both of them also wants to kiss each other. And yet they remain silent and it all seems that they are very much concentrated on the movie. When they finally go out, they proceed to the nearest restaurant where instead of ordering, they look into each others eyes as the waiter on their side impatiently waits for each of them to say a word. But they do not, little by little their hands are moving towards each other until finally they touch. Each hand is secured firmly to the other. They finally look at the waiter and in unison say, "Ice tea na lang." They pretend that they are not holding each other's hands so they talk. They started talking about the movie. Each of them are trying remember the details of the movie, analyze it and look intelligent for the other. The truth though is that both of them have not really "watched" the movie they just made it an excuse for them to be together. The whole time they were simply wishing that it will never end. Then the ice tea arrives. The waiter now is a lady who is clearly disturbed. She is disturbed because the two people that ordered the iced tea look so weird yet beautiful together. Thirty minutes after they were sitting, reality finally sank and they felt the hunger. They ordered their meals, ate it, paid for it and they were off. The light suddenly goes back and I realized that I had used up the whole afternoon just imagining. A little while, my snoring room mates started to wake up. I went to the sink (that's the bathroom) and I am back to reality. I am back inside the tiled barracks and will not be able to see freedom again in the next two months or so.

I am weird. My imaginations are weird but these are born of longings that only I could understand. Yesterday wasn't a blast but in my heart I knew what I was looking for. Thanks God.

Continued...

I ran out of time last night so I am continuing the thought of what I wrote about.

I was talking about the incident that happened when I lashed out on my underclass. That wasn't really the whole point but my realization was brought about by that incident. I realized that unknowingly we have forgotten some important things that we learned. Here in PMA it is easy to think about persistence, perseverance and patience and dwell on this traits when we are plebes. We try our best to persevere at everything, put patience into what we do. I think everyone who had been to plebehood will agree with me that it is the abundance of this things that has enabled each of us to overcome the challenges of being the lowest mammal in the Academy. But then as we move up in rank, we mature to bigger responsibilities, we seem to forget the value of the very foundations of being victorious over plebehood. In doing our jobs, I think this also applies to officers or even those who are not cadets, we have forgotten to live by these things just because we had the luxury of another option. Let me illustrate this point. As plebes we are told that our job is to follow orders. We do this even if sometimes it takes a lot to follow these orders. We endure the endless exercises, ignore the mental fatigue and go on regardless of what we feel, whether good or bad. Later on, as upperclassmen, we are told that one of our responsibilities is to train our underclassmen, especially the plebes. As plebes, when it seems that the situation is hopeless, we try again, and again and again. We never cease to try because we know that we do not have the choice. As upperclassmen, the scenario becomes different. When the situation seems hopeless (just like the one with my plebe), we try again, again and again and then we give up. We accept that the plebe can not be taught. That acceptance is despite of the knowledge that the plebe we are referring to passed a battery of exams that not many can hurdle before he arrived at PMA. The thing with this second scenario we do have a choice. A plebe who can not do what is required of him will try harder because he knows that he will get punished. On the other hand, an upperclass cadet can just quit because he will never be punished (maybe to a certain extent but not something that will really force him to try harder). This is also true even to non cadets. When we first apply for jobs that we like, we will do whatever it takes. But later on when we have moved up we accept that some things can not be done. I am not saying though that everything can be done, what I am saying is we tend to easily give up when we have the luxury of choice.

My point is, it is a disgusting reality. In a world where there are so many choices people would rather quit that persevere. They would rather accept defeat than try some more. The irony of it all is that it all happens when we have choices. When we have the luxury of choice we forget the virtues of perseverance and patience. This is disgusting because we only practice these virtues when we do not have the choice. I would like to believe that this is precisely the reason why the world is just so corrupt. The world has instead made all the options to everyone, gave access to all this things eventually causing the decline of peoples appreciation to important virtues that all of us should live by.....

I'm running out of time again... to be continued...