The bad things and some treat

The string of thought that occupied me last night ended when I stopped writing about it when the Sergeant insisted that I leave the Computer Laboratory because he was closing up. I have no choice now but to start anew with another string of thought and be sensible.

Coming from a meeting about this year's 100 night show, I was relieved that my script was not approved. It was not just because I wanted to have all the time to improve it, I just wasn't really convinced that I wanted to involve myself with this year's show. And so I came back to barracks feeling a sense of relief and having some thoughts that I'd rather keep to myself now because of some issues that I have to settle.

When I came back to barracks this afternoon after eating lunch, it was posted in our bulleting board that break will begin on 25 October, that would be Wednesday and I am not joining it. I guess the feeling is not really as good as I thought it would be. At least I had the time to really start accepting the truth, I pity those who only knew today that they were not going on break. Of course, I hate that I will not be able to do what I thought I could do. I hate that I will ahve to stay here and wonder how much fun I was missing outside. I am now looking forward to the Lovers in Paris DVD that a friend promised me, maybe I can start being sentimental. This will be the first time that I will not go on break since I became a cadet and maybe I can learn a lesson or two. As my father would put it: "pangit naman kung gragraduate ka na lang na hindi naexperience ang maging touring at confined." I do not know if he was comforting me when he said that but then life is just like that, we just have to experience the bad things to better appreciate the good things.

Now speaking of good things, I received a birthday greeting from a very important person last night. Although it was not something that I expected (I was thinking of cards and stuff like that), I was happy receiving it. Not only that I wanted to hear from her for the longest time, I just missed her. I realized that when I started reading her short note. I know she was trying to keep it simple but still it felt so good that I spent the whole time before I slept thinking about her. One will never really understand why little things can feel so good if it came from a special person, I guess it is just about me and about all the things that I am feeling for her. With all the many things that worry me these days, that was indeed a treat.

Well, tomorrow will be our footmarch. It will be tiring but I am hoping I'll be able to enjoy it. In the next coming days, I am thinking that this blog will be my companion while the rest of the Corps will go on break... of course this and Lovers in Paris. Life for me is encountering some rocky road, I am just hoping that it wouldn't be like that for long.

Good day people...

Random thought about spontaniety

I have 10 minutes to type this entry.

Although it was my birthday yesterday, I felt bad when the praise and worship practice at church did not turn out well. There was a conflict on what is to be done and I wondered if we were actually doing what we were supposed to do. I know that we have all the good intentions its just that our ideas of hte good intention do not jive. Grace was more particular of the details, trying to make sure that the tune is something that the congregation can sing with. She took time who holds the tambourine, how fast the song will be and so many other things. I, on the other hand, believed that the praise and worship should be spontaneous. That it should be something that is God directed and I should not worry much on the details. Although I agree that God is a God of order, but the question is, whose order? Is it our order?

I am a spontaneous person. I practically do so many things in my life just letting it be believing that God will always take care of me no matter what. But of course, I do not take things for granted. I try to plan out things beforehand but always believing that it will still up to God if He will make things happen as planned. I believe that we have to allow a certain leeway so that God can reveal himself. So in that occassion, I hated it because we beveame so preoccupied with all the details and I believe that it came to a point that we worried more of the details than do what we were supposed to do in the first place... that is to practice....

I have to stop now my time is up.....

My birthday present

I promised to write ab0ut the 24 things to be thankful about but I just can not finish it. I already started writing some but I end up thinking that I can not possibly limit myself to 24, it just becomes boring. I can go on and on counting my blessings but sharing it with people will be monotonous. They will definitely not read it adn the writing was in vain. So I deleted everything and began a new thought, I will just write about birthdays-- my birthday.

It is only now that I get to celebrate my birthday and really contemplate about things. I mean, as young boy then, my birthday was dirty competition between my parents on who gets to make me happier. In elementary, I remembered Mommy bringing food to school so that everyone in my class can celebrate my birthday with me. I knew we were hard-up but Mommy insisted that we have a birthday party at school. I do not know where Daddy was at that time. After that party in Grade 5, Mommy left for the States in December and all my birthdays with her were some gift and a birthday greeting through the phone. My Daddy also had his antics. When I turned 11 and was studying at Dumaguete (first year high school), he threw me a party. It was a party with a bunch of people I barely knew simply because it was done in San Carlos and that was only the time I was in San Carlos after 6 years in Manila. I had lechon, my first in any of my birthdays, and that was basically it. I now understand that Daddy was trying to reach out to me but to my young mind then, I simply did not appreciate that. In 2000, I had my saddest birthday as a cadet in PMA. In the night of 21 October 2000, I was told that I was to be discharged from the Academy. The next year, I was at Nueva Ecija celebrating with my friends, it was a time when my life had no direction and I was doing things to keep my mind away from thinking about the future, I turned 19 then. Year 2002 was a bit promising because I was receiving salary working as an administrator in a second hand car dealership. My boss treated me to Outback Grill in Libis and it was my first time eat very expensively. In 2003, I was at another job in Makati. Nobody in the office knew that it was my birthday because I was a new employee and I barely know the people. At that time, I was waiting for the results of the PMA exam to come out (I think that is recorded in my old blog). Although I was working, my mind was set in going back to PMA. A few weeks after that, I received my examination results, resigned from that job to focus on going back and then the rest is history. 2004 was redemption as I tried to look back on my other birthdays and realize how blessed I was to finally celebrate it inside PMA as a cadet. It was redemption of my birthday in 2000... I was back. As a yearling in 2005, I just came from an official business in Manila. I hated it because it was my birthday and Daddy tried to have some form of celebration only that I have to be back in Baguio in the morning of my birthday.

This year I am 24. I was posted as a sentinel this morning at the strike of midnight. Going to the Barrio area to post, I was singing happy birthday to myself. It was cold and sky was clear. The whole hour that I was a sentinel, I was just reminscing realizing how it has been and grateful for everything. I do not have a cellphone to read birthday greetings from people. It is funny but the first one who actually greeted me a happy birthday, was my fourth class squadmate who gave me all the headache as his squad leader. I do not have anything against him, I know he is trying very hard to meet my standards, I just think it is funny that he was the first one to remember. When my name was announced this afternoon about my birthday, it was a dream come true. The joy that I felt was something I kept to myself, I did not say a word. After mess, I retreated to my room fell asleep and I am here now, writing about it.

I do not know if there is something interesting with enumerating the birthdays that I had. It is a realization recalling those events and realizing how much has changed through the years. I would like to state that I have improved for the better. From being a young boy feeling the growing conflict between my parents, to a young man trying to withdraw from reality by having fun with friends as if nothing else matters, to dreaming in an office hoping that things will turn out according to plan, and being greeted by a plebe who was able to remember that it was my special day. Looking back at it now, it was a series of twists and turns, a roller coaster ride marked with frustrations, loss, anticipation and victory. If only all of us tried to look back and contemplate on how much has changed in our lives we could see God in it, working and molding us into becoming a person according to his will. Although turning a year older may be something that happens to many people every year, I think the reason we mark our birthdays and consider it special is because it is a time to look back and be thankful. The 24 reasons I am thankful for are the 24 years that God has manifested himself in my life, teaching me the value of life and molding me into a person that He can use for His will.

A lot is ahead of me, and life just gets better and better. Thank you Lord for 24 wonderful years that you never left me. For the people who remembered, thank you very much and I love you all.

Nabaliw!!!

Finally it loaded. It took me around four clicks on the refresh button before the window finally appeared correctly.

I again spent the whole day in front of the computer typing my script. I just hate it when I have to force my creativity out of my system. It was some kind of an on and off routine, one moment you are oozing with ideas the next its just dry. I hate that my desperation to finish the project has to go to a point where I am already forcing myself to write. I am relieved that I can finally just allow my mind to be free and let the ideas flow without applying force to it.

I was thinking of deleting Tita Liza's entry in my shoutbox but I guess eventually people will find out... Yes it's my birthday on the 21st and I thought it was going to be a secret. Of course, I know Tita Liza and her whole family loves me dearly, if I have known her a few years back when I made my list of the 21 people that changed my life, she'd be definitely included. I do not know if it was some kind of a ritual I have developed but I kind of started making this list of things on my birthday. I particularly remembered my 21st when I wrote about the 21 top people that changed my life. After a few days, some people were complaining that I did not include them in my list. For this year, I am thinking of top 24 things to be thankful about. I have a lot of things in my mind right now and I do not know if it is already 24. When October 21 comes, I will just write and compose my thoughts in the process.

I hated it today as I was typing the script. There were three of us that were excused for the activites primarily to do the script yet I spent most of the day writing it by myself. I do not want to lash out on them fearing that I might say something bad. I am thinking of just finishing it and talking to them once all the stress is out of my system.

Another growing concern right now is the magazine. We were told last night that it will be our responsibility with 6 more weeks before realease. The sad thing is nothing has been started yet. I have been conferring with the other people but we still have to meet formally to finalize things and really start working. If I do not go on break, I will just start writing the articles and maybe conceptualize on my own... malay natin I can think of some bright idea. And then there are the plans of going to Davao. I want to go there because one, I want to see Daddy's Camp and two, I've never been to Mindanao. A friend of mibe wants to come along, he wants to ride the C130. I'm really hoping I can go on break.

I'm sorry if I can not write something serious, my mind is just trying to recuperate. I am thinking now of beautiful thoughts, people I miss and just happy moments. I do not wish to continue writing anymore, I'd rather dream about the beautiful things and hope for a better year. I'm thinking of something poetic inside my head right now, I'm letting the thought be immortalized, here it is:

The beauty that abounds this place
Is just too much for my taste
I can not help it but cry
as I look and sigh
The things that come my way
I hope they are here to stay
Although hard
Still I am praying mad
This poem is for everyone
Not just for someone
My mind is confused
It has been over used
Yet I still long for tomorrow
Hoping and praying hard to lose the sorrow
I love you world
I thank you God
Tomorrow will be another day
Another opportunity along the way
I end this while it's still easy
This is becoming messy

Baliw na kung baliw... sa sunod na lang...

Losing my mind in script writing

I'm losing my mind. Just when I thought I will have some free time, the reality of how busy I am sets in. Last week, I was complaining about our Leadership Enhancement Period which I can only describe as boring. I nursed a painful body last week because of the activities hoping that everything will come to an end. Just before lunch this afternoon, I was told that I was already to be excused from this Leadership chuva so that I can finally have time to make the script for this year's 100th Nite Show. I tried putting the details to my storyline, losing my sanity in the process, and my other requirements prodding me to do them. In the end, I was wishing that I'd rather have a painful body. I'm blogging now to rejuvenate myself so that I can go back to my old self.

I was writing earlier about the PMA Core values as a requirement to the Commandant. I reckon that he wants to assess our appreciation to the initiatives that they are implementing. Writing it kind of allowed me to also assess myself as to my appreciation to these Core Values. I was thinking of my training, of how I have been from the time I was a fourthclass up to now. I was comparing my psyche then to the way I think of things now. I realized that I have been more positive to learning now thanbefore. I felt that even if I do not necessarily like everything that is happening to me as a cadet. I mean, this blog will definitely prove how frustrated I am on several occassions to the point that some people are even wondering why I am in PMA in the first place. But I am still here and as I read those entries, I am just amazed with how it has been wondering if was it really me who have gone through all of it. Going back to the values, I realized that it is not just important that we are told why these values are important, it is even of greater importance that we learn to experience practicing these values day to day to understand its implication first hand. I learned that the reason for my change of person is because the experiences that I have been through forced me to change even without me knowing. The lesson is, always find the lesson in everything so that the experiences we go through will not be a missed opportunity into becoming a better person.

As the days pass, the rumors are getting more and more reliable and I am beginning to believe that I just might go to break. I am still not that convinced but nobody is stopping me from being hopeful. I am just crossing my fingers and maybe, just maybe, I can relax a while and enjoy myself a little bit away from the pressures of being a cadet.

In a few days, a something special will happen, at least for me (hehehe). I am intending to write something special on that day just as I always do in the previous years. For those who remembered keep it to yourself, I am wishing that you will just send it here.... Well that is still in the few days... for the meantime, I will go back to my script writing in the barracks...