Learning things the hard way

Today is the 7th day that I am left here in PMA while the rest of my classmates went on break. I spent the whole day today moving tables, cleaning offices and sweeping fallen leaves after typhoon Paeng. That was my supposed duty to count as my punishment for being a "good" cadet. It is just now that I finally have the time for myself and I am proud to have survived the day. I will have to keep this up for another five days.

As I was doing my chores this whole day, I kind of imagined the others who are already enjoying their freedom. I remember how I was so excited last year to go back to Baguio because the break was just too long and how I thought that I should have maximized those days have I known that I won't have a break this year. I also contemplated on the things that I could have done if only I was able to go on break. I thought that this is just a lesson learned the hard way. I promised myself, I will never do this again.

Lessons in life come in different forms. I could say that the lesson I learned now is the one that everyone hates the most. We all hate being denied of certain things that we want as a consequence of once action. I thought at first that I wouldn't feel so bad. But waking up early in the morning because of a predetermined schedule, being forced to do some punishment despite your body's protest, the feeling was not really good-- I hated it especially when you know you could have avoided it. I have always been this way. I mean oftentimes, I take for granted important things just because I wanted something at the height of the moment. I was not able to think clearly of its long term implications, I just did it and regretted it after. And so here I am now just regretting it, feeling bad about myself and trying to ignore the feeling and diverting it to other things just to prevent myself from feeling the frustration. Again the feeling is just so bad.

I wonder if all people have to learn lessons the way I am learning it now, would it not cause more people not to commit the same mistakes twice? If only all the lessons that we learn in our lives are lessons that were hard earned, we would try harder to avoid it the next time around. I remember the lesson that I learned the hard way as in the hard way. It was the time when I got myself discharged from the Academy. I wasted 3 years of my life because of that experience and although I know I became a better person because of that, I still think that if only I listened to people and thought more of the things that are important I would have avoided it. But just like many people, I too was stubborn. What started out as an innocent and irresponsible single action turned out to be a mistake that I will regret and will change my life. Well, I snapped out of it, learned my lesson and I am just relating it now. At the back of my mind, I still wonder, what would have happened IF ONLY I LISTENED. I know now that many people wanted the best for me. They were more experienced, more learned and more wise and if only I listened to them, considered their wisdom, things would have turned out different. Although the "if only" statement is something that is totally irrelevant now because things have already happened but the thing is there will still be more advises we will hear, there will still be more people telling us what to do and the "if only" in the future will become a possibility.

Regret as they say is one of the saddest state. We often regret the things that we have done wrong and although we have accepted it, every now and then we are still haunted by it. As I was sweeping the floor this afternoon, I regretted everything that I did that resulted to where I was. I realizes that I have been bad. But the more important realization that I had was to avoid the feeling of regret. I decided that I would listen more to people that are more learned. I may not be able to ensure that I will never experience regret over my decisions, but what I will ascertain is that I will never be able to learn everything the hard way always because there are people who have been through it and will be willing to share their lessons to me without me having to go through it. I will learn things without being disciplined...... I hope.

Pag gunita sa buhay High school

Ito kami noon.... Ito na ngayon...

Naubos ang aking oras sa kakatingin ng iba't-ibang pictures ng mga classmates ko nung high school na nakapost sa friendster. May iba nasa ibang bansa na, yung iba baboy na, yung iba may mga anak na, yung iba baboy pa rin. Sana hwag magalit yung mga batch ko nung high school eh sa talagang ganito naman ako magsalita kahit nung unang panahon pa. Ang galing kasi siguro yung iba confident na magsalita, yung iba marami ng pera, habang ako hanggang ngayon animated pa rin sa salitang baboy... Baboy... baboy... at baboy....

Ganun pala yun pag nalalaman mo kung ano na nangyari sa mga taong kasama mong lumaki sinaunang panahon. Natatawa ako kasi naalala ko tuloy sino yung berks ko, yung inaway ko o sino yung wala lang akong pakialam. Yung mga berks ko, ginagago ko pa kahit sa friendster message, yung mga inaway ko pilit kong inaalala kung bakit ko sila inaaway nun, yung mga wala akong pakialam, pilit akong nag-iisip ng mga pagkakataong pinakialaman ko sila. Sa dami ng mga naisip ko na mga pangyayari napipili ko tuloy kung sino ang posibleng mag aacceept pag inadd ko sila sa friendster ko. Syempre yung hindi ko talaga berks, hindi na ako nag attempt man lang na iadd sila, aba baka mapahiya pa ako. Iniisip ko na lang na makikita nila na tiningnan ko yung account nila at magtataka sila kung sino yung hunghang na alex ang tumingin ng profile nila. Then baka maalala nila ako at pag hindi naman talaga ako naging masama sa kanila baka iadd nila ako, kahit papaano rin pala talagang lahat ng bayad may kabayaran. Malamang dahil sa mga pang-aasar na ginawa ko sinaunang panahon, hindi nila ako iaadd sa friendster.

Kahit itong sinusulat ko ngayon. Pag nakita nila na tagalog to, mamamangha sila kasi bisaya kami mag-usap nun. Pag nalaman nilang nagiging serious din pala ako, baka maisip nila hindi ako yung dati nilang classmate kasi sa naalala ko ang feeling ng lahat ng tao nun maingay lang talaga ako... period. Siguro yung pagiging kadete ko hindi na sila masyadong mamangha pero sa ibang bagay... baka mabaliw sila. Naalala ko tuloy yung isa kong teacher na pinuntahan ko nung minsan nag break ako. Nung nakita nya ako at naka uniform... aba umiyak... hindi ko alam kung bakit, natuwa siguro sya kasi minsan tinuruan nya ako, pero ang naisip ko talaga nun baka natuwa siya kasi noon akala nya magiging pariwara ang buhay ko (naisip ko lang naman yun). Tapos nung nagsalita na ako sa harapan to advertise PMA dun sa mga fourth year high school students ng school ko, aba sa likod natatanaw ko ang aking mga nag gagandahang mga teacher na minsan ay binigyan ko ng sakit ng ulo. Mas lalo akong naging nostalgic nung isa isahin ko ang naging section ko nung high school, kasabay ang mga hiyaw ng mga estudyante dahil yun din ang naging section nila. Akalain mong biglang naging sikat ang maging miyembro ng section kasi naging kadete ako, kung iisipin hindi pa nga ako grumagraduate.

Minsan linapitan ako ng isang officer na taga dumaguete rin. Sabi niya meron daw isang bisita na sinamahan nya na classmate ko raw nung high school. Siyempre tinanong ko kung sino, hindi nya na maalala, ang sabi nya lang eh umakyat daw ng baguio para magrelax kasi kakukuha lang ng bar exam. Binilang ko ngayon... oo nga no walong taon na pala akong grumaduate from high school. Hopefully, gragraduate ako ng 2008 yun din yung pang 10th year na grumaduate ako ng high school, akalain mong ganun katagal bago ako nagkaroon ng achievement uli mula nung nagkaroon ako ng Boy Scout of the Year medal nung high school graduation ko. Sana pag dating ng August eh buhay pa ako after graduation para makapunta ako ng dumaguete to attend the 10th year reunion. Ang saya siguro nun... iniisip ko tuloy kung kailangan kong magdala ng baril para magdalawang isip silang tawagin akong brownie? Hahaha

Ang sarap isipin ng mga bagay na ganun. Minsan kaming lahat nagsama sa isang eskwelehan. Napilitang makilala ang isa't isa kasi apat na taon kaming nasa isang batch. Yung iba naging barkada talaga, yung iba nagkaroon ng iba't ibang buhay, napunta sa ibang lugar, yumaman, naging baboy at kung ano ano pa. Siguro kaya nagiging masaya ang pag gunita sa mga panahong yun eh dahil alam ko, ginusto man namin o hindi, naging parte kami ng buhay ng isa't isa at kasama silang lahat at ako sa mga buhay nila, sa kwento ng buhay namin.

Note: The pictures above was placed there to put dramatic effect on the entry. The first picture was my class picture in 4th year high school while the other is a recent picture that they took when they had some kind of a reunion, I was not there because I was here in PMA...

GK Photos

This is not a new entry, I just want to announce that I edited the GK entry from October 17 to put the pictures in that I recently got. View it from here... thanks

Nothing to write about

I was staring at this blank page for the last few hours and still I do not have any idea what to write about. I just started typing hoping that later on something will come out.

Earlier this morning I wrote my letter. For those who do not know I write a letter to someone every week. I started it feeling very sad because the whole barracks was so silent, I was alone. I went here (at the Computer Laboratory) so that I will not be able to see the others who will also be taking their break. Tonight, there will be fewer cadets and the loneliness will further embrace me. I do not have a cellphone and my contact to the outside world is limited to this screen. That is how my life is now and that is how it will be in a couple of days, I now understand why they call this punishment.

Well, my mind is still so much into all the feelings I have inside me. I do not have a clear idea what to write about, I feel that I just need someone to talk to and release everything that I am feeling at this time. I'm sorry people, I can not offer you anything at this time... you can just delight yourself with the picture I recently uploaded during my Gawad Kalinga trip... as if the picture is delightful. Nevertheless it's here

I do not know what to write anymore... again I'm sorry

The things that are harmless

My body is aching now from the very tiring day I had going through a footmarch the whole day. That plus the fact that tomorrow will be the start of break and I am not joining it. Anyway, I won't deal with that anymore since I can not really do anything about it, I refuse to stay at the barracks since everyone is either talking about break or preparing for it.

Anyway, I had a short chat with a friend I met last year in a conference I attended. We started talking about this activity that she will be attending and then we had some sort of an exchange of thoughts about something. I do not want to explain what that activity was about but our topic focused mainly on being careful with the things that we get ourselves into. I started by asking her if she did not feel weird about the people behind the activity that she will be attending. I was trying to start a conversation and I asked her because I felt something different with the people that organized that activity. I felt that the people were trying to manipulate us into doing something and it was all for selfish reasons.

When she said that she also felt that something wrong was happening, I then asked her why is it that she still got involved with the people. She said that she ignored it because it wasn't that serious and that she was just an observer, she does not intend to immerse herself with the people. But I wondered as she was saying this because the same people just sent her to a foreign country and she will attend another activity by the same organization this december. I do not wish to put conclusions that she is being tricked into something, for all I know I may be wrong. My concern is that she ignored the feeling that she initially felt believing that there was nothing wrong with what she was doing. She simply felt that it was harmless.

I remember a message I heard sometime ago at church. The message touched on the life of David, yes the same person that God described as "a man after my own heart." He may just be the person that almost reached the idea of perfection that God wanted for each of us and yet he was not sinless. He committed murder and adultery. Well the story started when he saw Bathsheba bathing from his window. He was enticed and yet he ignored it because he was just watching, it was harmless. From that "harmless" incident, he committed murder by putting Bathsheba's husband in the frontlines of an ongoing war to die and then committed adultery. For most people, the reality of situations do not immediately manifest itself. Sometimes we tend to ignore the little whispers that we have inside us not because we feel that it should be ignored but because we fail to grasp the reality of these feelings. Sadder still because we simply say that it is harmless dismissing the whisper altogether.

When I was around six or seven, I took the change that my mother left in our kitchen. At that time I always wanted to buy softdrinks which costed five pesos. I began with just taking five pesos, but sometimes there were more money, sometimes there were even bills. My five pesos became 20 pesos and then 50 pesos and finally I was able to steal 500 pesos. Well, I am not proud of these things. To just put some justice to the story, when my mother learned of my mischief, she pounded my fingers with a screw driver until some parts of my finger turned violet. People may consider that harsh but I did learn my lesson. The five pesos I took at first seemed harmless. I reasoned that my mother had lots and lots of coins and she wouldn't even notice that five pesos was missing. That was also my reason with the 20 peso bill up to the 500. It began because I thought what I was doing was harmless. I ignored the whisper I heard from within me all because it was harmless.

I guess my example can be very obvious as stupidity and it may not necessarily apply to my friends case. But the point I am driving at is that there is something in us that guides us and warns us about things. I do not know if people listen to this "whisper" as I call it but I believe that these are whispers from God. David fell into sin despite of how Godly he is because he ignored these whisper and as for me, I was just immature and naughty. The point is it is not always that we are able to see the implications of the choices that we are making. I think for most people it is because of that uncertainty that delays their action over something. But for others it is because of it that they plunge into that decision believing that it is harmless. The question there is how do we know? One may argue that it is better to find it out rather than spend the rest of your life wondering what it was. I do not know how to go about that but I am presenting something that I truly believe in. The whispers of our heart are whispers from God. Most people ignore it simply because they lack the faith to believe that a Supreme Being is there that is guiding them and always directing them to the right path. In reality, nothing is certain in this world, everything boils down to faith. It is easy to have faith on things that we can see and is real but not all things are like that, in fact most of the things in life are just incomprehensible and beyond our understanding. The exercise of faith is what decides our life. It is not something that can be explained by any cosmic science but it has been proven to work in the lives of many great people. It comes from the acceptance that life is not in our control.

My time is running out, I have to finish this entry now although so many ideas are still playing inside my head. Maybe I can write about the same topic some other time. I have to go now.