On not being myself

There are reasons behind actions. One does not just do something for no apparent reason. We sometimes say that there is none, but really it could only be just two things: that our reason is from our subconscious or that we are afraid to accept the real reason.

This has been the focus of my contemplation moments ago after I received a friendster message from an underclass who is home right now for break. It was a reply to a remark I made over a bulletin she posted about some sentimental thought that I reckon she just have to blurt out. Unfortunately, she did it in friendster bulletin for everyone to see. She said that she was not being herself at that time and I corrected her by saying that she is wrong.

In another bulletin board that I go to, I made a comment on the thread about Pre-marital sex. I said that it is likened to stealing for a small kid, even if you do not teach them, they know that it is bad. No matter how we put it deep inside us we know that Pre-marital sex is not exactly right... whether you will agree with me or not! Of course, this is not some declaration of being against it, I am not a hypocrite and although I have my views and try to live with it, I am a sinful person who has been tempted and has succumbed to it (you do the math). But then I must also say that despite of my deficiencies I will never claim that I wasn't myself when I suddenly turned monster in one instant of my life. I will gladly accept that being myself entitles me to commit mistakes and better yet correct them the moment we become aware. In a simpler sense, our totality is not just the person that we are now but everything that we have done in our lifetime. The reason why people see things differenly is because people have different experiences even on the same things. Our actions no matter how innocent is always part of us we just hope that the bad ones will be forgotten and what we remember are our shining moments.

And so here I am again, putting myself out in the open telling the whole world that I too have my share of moments that I do not wish to remember. Although I understand that doing this might result to something negative, I am much concerned with accepting who I truly am and living it. When we realize that at some point we become a loser and try to forget the experience into oblivion, we also try to forget the lessons that have to be learned. I particularly remember Sharon Cuneta when asked about how will she teach her daughters about falling in love (they were talking about the Sharon-Gabby thing). Her witty reply was, "Mga anak this is not how to do it." Inasmuch as I accept that I am not perfect, I am also accepting that things had to be done for me to at least be near perfect and I guess that is better than simply detaching myself to my painful past. Life is a load of lessons that will only become one if we choose for it to be one.

Sometimes we do things and it turns out bad. In reality, everything that we do is a result of our judgment that has been nurtured by our experiences and the values that we have formed. Everyone of us may claim that we were not being ourselves when that happened, but the truth remains is that we were ourselves at that time even if we were in our temporary state of insanity. It is not like we can go to another body everytime we suck. Life is not actually a canvass where there are only good things, part of it are the bad things so that the good things can stand out. There is always a reason behind our actions and these reasons are entirely ours. It is only with the acceptance of this that living life becomes a journey towards self-discovery and self improvement.

Learning things the hard way

Today is the 7th day that I am left here in PMA while the rest of my classmates went on break. I spent the whole day today moving tables, cleaning offices and sweeping fallen leaves after typhoon Paeng. That was my supposed duty to count as my punishment for being a "good" cadet. It is just now that I finally have the time for myself and I am proud to have survived the day. I will have to keep this up for another five days.

As I was doing my chores this whole day, I kind of imagined the others who are already enjoying their freedom. I remember how I was so excited last year to go back to Baguio because the break was just too long and how I thought that I should have maximized those days have I known that I won't have a break this year. I also contemplated on the things that I could have done if only I was able to go on break. I thought that this is just a lesson learned the hard way. I promised myself, I will never do this again.

Lessons in life come in different forms. I could say that the lesson I learned now is the one that everyone hates the most. We all hate being denied of certain things that we want as a consequence of once action. I thought at first that I wouldn't feel so bad. But waking up early in the morning because of a predetermined schedule, being forced to do some punishment despite your body's protest, the feeling was not really good-- I hated it especially when you know you could have avoided it. I have always been this way. I mean oftentimes, I take for granted important things just because I wanted something at the height of the moment. I was not able to think clearly of its long term implications, I just did it and regretted it after. And so here I am now just regretting it, feeling bad about myself and trying to ignore the feeling and diverting it to other things just to prevent myself from feeling the frustration. Again the feeling is just so bad.

I wonder if all people have to learn lessons the way I am learning it now, would it not cause more people not to commit the same mistakes twice? If only all the lessons that we learn in our lives are lessons that were hard earned, we would try harder to avoid it the next time around. I remember the lesson that I learned the hard way as in the hard way. It was the time when I got myself discharged from the Academy. I wasted 3 years of my life because of that experience and although I know I became a better person because of that, I still think that if only I listened to people and thought more of the things that are important I would have avoided it. But just like many people, I too was stubborn. What started out as an innocent and irresponsible single action turned out to be a mistake that I will regret and will change my life. Well, I snapped out of it, learned my lesson and I am just relating it now. At the back of my mind, I still wonder, what would have happened IF ONLY I LISTENED. I know now that many people wanted the best for me. They were more experienced, more learned and more wise and if only I listened to them, considered their wisdom, things would have turned out different. Although the "if only" statement is something that is totally irrelevant now because things have already happened but the thing is there will still be more advises we will hear, there will still be more people telling us what to do and the "if only" in the future will become a possibility.

Regret as they say is one of the saddest state. We often regret the things that we have done wrong and although we have accepted it, every now and then we are still haunted by it. As I was sweeping the floor this afternoon, I regretted everything that I did that resulted to where I was. I realizes that I have been bad. But the more important realization that I had was to avoid the feeling of regret. I decided that I would listen more to people that are more learned. I may not be able to ensure that I will never experience regret over my decisions, but what I will ascertain is that I will never be able to learn everything the hard way always because there are people who have been through it and will be willing to share their lessons to me without me having to go through it. I will learn things without being disciplined...... I hope.

Pag gunita sa buhay High school

Ito kami noon.... Ito na ngayon...

Naubos ang aking oras sa kakatingin ng iba't-ibang pictures ng mga classmates ko nung high school na nakapost sa friendster. May iba nasa ibang bansa na, yung iba baboy na, yung iba may mga anak na, yung iba baboy pa rin. Sana hwag magalit yung mga batch ko nung high school eh sa talagang ganito naman ako magsalita kahit nung unang panahon pa. Ang galing kasi siguro yung iba confident na magsalita, yung iba marami ng pera, habang ako hanggang ngayon animated pa rin sa salitang baboy... Baboy... baboy... at baboy....

Ganun pala yun pag nalalaman mo kung ano na nangyari sa mga taong kasama mong lumaki sinaunang panahon. Natatawa ako kasi naalala ko tuloy sino yung berks ko, yung inaway ko o sino yung wala lang akong pakialam. Yung mga berks ko, ginagago ko pa kahit sa friendster message, yung mga inaway ko pilit kong inaalala kung bakit ko sila inaaway nun, yung mga wala akong pakialam, pilit akong nag-iisip ng mga pagkakataong pinakialaman ko sila. Sa dami ng mga naisip ko na mga pangyayari napipili ko tuloy kung sino ang posibleng mag aacceept pag inadd ko sila sa friendster ko. Syempre yung hindi ko talaga berks, hindi na ako nag attempt man lang na iadd sila, aba baka mapahiya pa ako. Iniisip ko na lang na makikita nila na tiningnan ko yung account nila at magtataka sila kung sino yung hunghang na alex ang tumingin ng profile nila. Then baka maalala nila ako at pag hindi naman talaga ako naging masama sa kanila baka iadd nila ako, kahit papaano rin pala talagang lahat ng bayad may kabayaran. Malamang dahil sa mga pang-aasar na ginawa ko sinaunang panahon, hindi nila ako iaadd sa friendster.

Kahit itong sinusulat ko ngayon. Pag nakita nila na tagalog to, mamamangha sila kasi bisaya kami mag-usap nun. Pag nalaman nilang nagiging serious din pala ako, baka maisip nila hindi ako yung dati nilang classmate kasi sa naalala ko ang feeling ng lahat ng tao nun maingay lang talaga ako... period. Siguro yung pagiging kadete ko hindi na sila masyadong mamangha pero sa ibang bagay... baka mabaliw sila. Naalala ko tuloy yung isa kong teacher na pinuntahan ko nung minsan nag break ako. Nung nakita nya ako at naka uniform... aba umiyak... hindi ko alam kung bakit, natuwa siguro sya kasi minsan tinuruan nya ako, pero ang naisip ko talaga nun baka natuwa siya kasi noon akala nya magiging pariwara ang buhay ko (naisip ko lang naman yun). Tapos nung nagsalita na ako sa harapan to advertise PMA dun sa mga fourth year high school students ng school ko, aba sa likod natatanaw ko ang aking mga nag gagandahang mga teacher na minsan ay binigyan ko ng sakit ng ulo. Mas lalo akong naging nostalgic nung isa isahin ko ang naging section ko nung high school, kasabay ang mga hiyaw ng mga estudyante dahil yun din ang naging section nila. Akalain mong biglang naging sikat ang maging miyembro ng section kasi naging kadete ako, kung iisipin hindi pa nga ako grumagraduate.

Minsan linapitan ako ng isang officer na taga dumaguete rin. Sabi niya meron daw isang bisita na sinamahan nya na classmate ko raw nung high school. Siyempre tinanong ko kung sino, hindi nya na maalala, ang sabi nya lang eh umakyat daw ng baguio para magrelax kasi kakukuha lang ng bar exam. Binilang ko ngayon... oo nga no walong taon na pala akong grumaduate from high school. Hopefully, gragraduate ako ng 2008 yun din yung pang 10th year na grumaduate ako ng high school, akalain mong ganun katagal bago ako nagkaroon ng achievement uli mula nung nagkaroon ako ng Boy Scout of the Year medal nung high school graduation ko. Sana pag dating ng August eh buhay pa ako after graduation para makapunta ako ng dumaguete to attend the 10th year reunion. Ang saya siguro nun... iniisip ko tuloy kung kailangan kong magdala ng baril para magdalawang isip silang tawagin akong brownie? Hahaha

Ang sarap isipin ng mga bagay na ganun. Minsan kaming lahat nagsama sa isang eskwelehan. Napilitang makilala ang isa't isa kasi apat na taon kaming nasa isang batch. Yung iba naging barkada talaga, yung iba nagkaroon ng iba't ibang buhay, napunta sa ibang lugar, yumaman, naging baboy at kung ano ano pa. Siguro kaya nagiging masaya ang pag gunita sa mga panahong yun eh dahil alam ko, ginusto man namin o hindi, naging parte kami ng buhay ng isa't isa at kasama silang lahat at ako sa mga buhay nila, sa kwento ng buhay namin.

Note: The pictures above was placed there to put dramatic effect on the entry. The first picture was my class picture in 4th year high school while the other is a recent picture that they took when they had some kind of a reunion, I was not there because I was here in PMA...

GK Photos

This is not a new entry, I just want to announce that I edited the GK entry from October 17 to put the pictures in that I recently got. View it from here... thanks

Nothing to write about

I was staring at this blank page for the last few hours and still I do not have any idea what to write about. I just started typing hoping that later on something will come out.

Earlier this morning I wrote my letter. For those who do not know I write a letter to someone every week. I started it feeling very sad because the whole barracks was so silent, I was alone. I went here (at the Computer Laboratory) so that I will not be able to see the others who will also be taking their break. Tonight, there will be fewer cadets and the loneliness will further embrace me. I do not have a cellphone and my contact to the outside world is limited to this screen. That is how my life is now and that is how it will be in a couple of days, I now understand why they call this punishment.

Well, my mind is still so much into all the feelings I have inside me. I do not have a clear idea what to write about, I feel that I just need someone to talk to and release everything that I am feeling at this time. I'm sorry people, I can not offer you anything at this time... you can just delight yourself with the picture I recently uploaded during my Gawad Kalinga trip... as if the picture is delightful. Nevertheless it's here

I do not know what to write anymore... again I'm sorry