My hero... NOT

A few weeks ago I was tasked to write something about a certain officer who was awarded by the Civil service Comission for exemplary performance in Public Service. This was important because he was the first soldier to be given such award and a PMA graduate at that. Last week, he saw me and asked about what I wrote. I was afraid with his apporach because it seemed that I did something wrong against him. Apparently, he received text messages from people who have already read the write-up and he became curious. Early this evening I gave him a print out of the write-up and his comment was... "hindi ka nagresearch ng maayos"

The truth is, the officer I was referring to is not something that I exactly like. Except for the fact that his achievements as a junior officer is, well, admirable, I do not admire him as a person. He was in fact the same person that I earlier wrote about for being so proud of what he has become. I realized that no matter how good you are at what you do, your personality still counts and will in fact and at some point, be a turn=off in a general sense. And so there I was contemplating on what he meant when he said that I did not research to well. I definitely do not have the intention to glamourize him nor had any intention to elevate him what the hell was he talking about?

I have this inkling that he wants a write-up that would make him appear a hero of some sort. Well to an extent some heroes are only heroic because of how they were portrayed. The thing with this is that it is only true when the writer sees the person as a hero, which sad to say is not what I see in him. I actually see him as a proud bastard who just happened to be at the right place at the right time. My opinion right now about him was that any true blooded PMA graduate can achieve what he has achieved if they were in the same situation that he was. Call me bias but as I said, personality matters... as in a lot.

I will never really like all of my superiors. I will find people who will get into me and I can not do anything about but feel bad and, of course, write about them in my blog. I really hope that he reads this, I hope that he understands that to most people and impressive accomplishment is not really that impressive. My hero is someone who waits to be acknowledged and has his feet firmly on the ground whatever he has become or has accomplished... and definitely he does not fall into that category.

Going back to normal and women in general

The(ir) break ends and everything goes back to normal. All of us go back to our regular duties, the mess hall becomes mess hell again for the plebes and a new semester begins tomorrow for me. Everything goes to an end and another one begins.

I really do not know what to write about. My mind is actually preoccupied on making the perfect gift and of course the upcoming Corps Magazine. I am also thinking of December break so that my unfulfilled desires will be realized. These are the desires I was imagining inside the comforts of Regis Hall or touring around Fort del Pilar in my M14 rifle. The few days that I had all the time to think about things kind of allowed me to look back causing me to write more about the past (i.e high school) I guess I too had my own break, it was a period of contemplating about things and be reinvigorated by it.

Earlier today, I was reading the column of Wilson Flores in the Philippine Star. He was talking about women being the primary movers in this country. Even with my male bias, I somehow agree. He cited the vendors (mostly women) who support their families even with the meager income they get. I have heard many success stories of women and the common factor in all of them was the resilience of the woman's spirit. Although our society is patriarchal, there is something in our culture that has this consderation for women as key player in all our affairs. Our culture is not like the some other cultures which generally considers women as inferior on the other hand, although we tend to recognize the dominance of men we have developed a strong tolerance to women in general such that their efforts are even supported. I noticed that in most cases, the Filipino male's pride is not at all affected with the success of their female companion. Of course there are cases that are in the news but generally there are more untold stories of a harmonious partnership between the male and the female Filipino even if the female is somehow more influential or powerful in a sense. I am not really credible to support my claim but it is just a conclusion basing from the many people that I've known. I, for one, would want a partner who is independent, thinks freely and has a strong sense of conviction. I am not at all intimidated by assertive women, it is in fact something that attracts me.

Well speaking of women, since I have already begun with assertive women and how it attracts me, let me just go into that topic. I seem to have this inclination towards women who are achievers. Although I want a partner that is submissive I do not like her to be reserved especially in her personality. There is actually no contradiction there because in reality we just have to fulfill our roles. I will have to fulfill my role as a husband to my wife when the time comes while I also have to perform my role as an officer in the Armed Forces. My biggest fear at first was that those roles are incompatible basing from my experience with my father. But then I also have friends whose fathers although officers in the Armed Forces were good ones. I am often told that one of the most important decisions I will make if I wanted a successful career in the Armed Forces was my choice of a lifetime partner. The more I am able to understand myself now, I am beginning to accept that the person has to be someone who has an mind of her own. Let me give more time to think about that and perhaps I can write one whole entry about that.

So that's all for now....

Life's twists and turns

I have always tried to recount something that happened more than a year ago about meeting my high school teachers for the first time wearing the cadet uniform. I am still amazed by the change in me since high school graduation and looking at how my other classmates have turned out, I can just conclude how the twists and turns of our life can actually be welcome suprises that we never thought was possible back when we were young and mature.

Moments ago, I was viewing the friendster account of one of the most beautiful faces in my high school batch at Dumaguete. Last thing I heard about her was that she just passed the PT Board Exam, has given birth to a handsome young boy and I believe is doing well with whatever she is doing with her life now. Except for the times when I am able to get a glimpse of her in the few instances that I have been to Dumaguete recently, I haven't really "seen" her. And then of course my buddy in cutting classes in third year who owns this blog who a few months ago married another high school batchmate. I could remember her huge crush to someone who was an upper batch in school then. The twist there is that she eventually married someone that I never thought had this liking for her. And then there is Dioria whom I could never forget because for once in her life (courtesy of a parlor misunderstanding) looked like a lion (the description is from her actually) when she wore a shaggy hairstyle. There is also Adele, who used me to get rid of a suitor only to realize that in the near future the same suitor would be her boyfriend in college ( I was already out of Dumaguete then). Dioria is now in Libya while Adele is still in Dumaguete working. Then there are those who are now taking nursing after graduating from another course. There is Gheovy, Cincel, Chiara, RC, Euky and so many others. All of them first took business courses apparently they felt there was a more promising career in the field of nursing, thus the shift. Then the Flight attendants, whose pictures in their friendster account are from all over the world. So many others, have gotten married, had children, became businessmen, managers and there are still even some who is still stuck in school... like me. I could just imagine how it would be when all of us are gathered in one place and be allowed to mingle once again.

Well, as for me, I'm here. I am not actually the original "PMAer" in the batch. When we graduated in March 21 1998 (yes it was a very long time already) our third honorable mention became a cadet as part of Class 2003 to my envy. I was 15 when I graduated so I was still underage to take the PMA exam. I guess it wasn't his field because a few months after, he was back in Dumaguete, apparently he resigned. I then studied Political Science (with law as a foresight) took the PMA exam when I was already qualified, passed it joined class of 2004 and was discharged after a few months. Eventually I came back as part of Class 2008 and here I am now writing about it.

As I try to just imagine the things that have happened in the past 8 years since I graduated high school much have really changed. Most of us have moved on to more serious things. It was as if we've never gone through being immature. It was like we never vandalized our school, never cut classes, never tried to put trash in other people's bag, never cheated on exams, never conducted illegal class outings, never cursed our teachers and so many other things that we did. We felt then that it was cool and I wonder now what credibility we have when we tell the younger ones to be good in school.

Life's twists and turns brings us surprises that only each of us can understand. Perhaps my classmates wonder how I survived PMA with my loud mouth. I also wonder why suddenly people who called me Brownie back in the days seem to look up to me for "serving the country." It is a wonder that is hard to understand yet is pleasing as each one is somewhat relieved that we came out at least with some hope of being good people (and that is saying it without any reservation). Of course, 8 years can now be a short time compared to lets say 15 or so years when our concerns will be more of sending our children to school and providing for our families. I guess that time will come and everyone hopes that the surprises will still be something that each of us will be happy to tell to the whole world. Life is indeed an adventure. It is an adventure that covers a lifetime as we move on day by day learning, and going through each twist and turn.

A Chronicle of my whole day at Chatworld

I was trying my best not to post again today. I wanted to observe this rule that I made that I will only have one blog entry for a day. But spending the whole day in front of the computer and just being able to read all kinds of things has just given me so much thoughts that I feel not putting it is a betrayal why this blog is here in the first place. So I will write it and hope that after this my mind is not full again with so many unexpressed thoughts.

After the entry below, I kind of retreated to some chit chat with the few friends that were online. First was Armi, who was my friend from a long time ago. We got acquainted over a meal in Shakey's which I insisted was her treat after chatting with her at YM. Perhaps she does not remember that I promised her that if ever we really became friends I will reciprocate by treating her. That promise was around 4 years ago, now she is happily married and has already given birth to young kid. Our topic was about her brother in law who is now a yearling and my company mate. Next is Hanna, who recently had an entry on her blog about the remarks that I have been receiving from people who do not like the ideas I present here. She was asking me about a concern that sprung from the fact that she is soon to be the bride of my upperclass. We talked about marrying INTO the military (I will elaborate on it in future entries). And then there was Esme, who was a friend from a conference I attended last year. She was young, beautiful but sadly naive. I am hoping that she gathered a little wisdom from our conversation. Then I visited this blog that I go to once in a while. This post is just so funny. A simple observation that we failed to notice but if you really think about it is plainly stupid. There is also Tita Liza who showed me the love that I needed to make my day better. Well, having lost a mother everyone who shows me motherly love is certainly very welcome. I thank God for this people who reminds me of things and gives me a little something to think about every now and then. The highlight of the chatting world for me was the appearance of Aylnn. It wasn't that there was something to talk about, it was because this was a rare opportunity. For her to be finally "not busy" is a great moment. In her words: "I'd been to hell and back." Akalain mo yun nakapunta na sya ng hell?

Well not to bore you with my chatter I will simply post the chat log of one conversation I had with a friend. Just read it and find out why I posted the log in the first place. Remember that the conversation is as raw as it can get, pay more attention to the sense of the conversation. Here it is:

[15:04] friend: kasi im having doubts...
[15:04] friend: i dont know what to do with this guy
[15:04] me: what about him?
[15:06] friend: alm mo yun, rarely do u meet someone p nagjjive yung intellectual level nyo. let's say you are seeing ourself in that person
[15:06] friend: n nagjjive*
[15:07] me: so what about it?
[15:07] friend: pero syempre in one aspect lang kayo compatible
[15:08] friend: ...teka, tuloy ko muna ang kwento
[15:08] me: ito tanong what is it that you are worried about? worried ka kasi you seem to like the idea of being with the person?
[15:08] friend: kind of.... but i want to him a lesson.... and he too wants to teach me a lesson....
[15:08] friend: to teach*
[15:09] me: teka nga first let us examine things
[15:09] me: ano ba ang gusto mong mangyari?
[15:09] me: sige nga magtapatan tayo
[15:10] friend: ....there are times i want to be with the person na di ko alam ang reason, i jsut want to be with the person
[15:11] me: dyan pa lang mali ka na
[15:11] friend: but i dont tell him that
[15:11] friend: of course i dont tell him that
[15:11] me: ganito kasi yun
[15:11] me: ano ba ang dahilan why people go into relationships?
[15:11] friend: pero sya he always tell me that
[15:12] me: sagutin mo muna tanong ko
[15:12] friend: ewan ko.. that's what i told him, i am poor on relationships
[15:13] me: alam mo we young people have this perception that we go into relationships for the purpose of having a companion
[15:13] me: in reality a relationship is a prelude to marriage
[15:13] friend: for me, di ganun kababaw ang reason para magenter sa relationship
[15:13] me: yun talaga yun
[15:14] me: ginawa lang natin kasi masarap ang feeling ng being with someone
[15:15] friend: ganto kasi, i dont do whatever i feel like doing right away
[15:15] friend: sympre pinapakaisip ko muna
[15:15] me: hindi mo naman sinasagot yung tanong ko eh
[15:15] me: whatever your reason is if it is not marriage then it is not a valid reason
[15:15] me: at least that is how I see it
[15:16] friend: though my feeling would tell me to approach this guy, di ko magawa. all this time dnededma ko lang sya. ngayon, di ko alam kung tama ba ang ginagawa ko.
[15:16] me: hay nako bata ka pa nga esmeralda
[15:16] me: entering into a relationship is not about feelings always remember that
[15:17] me: pag ganyan ang mentality natin we only expose ourselves to more trouble
[15:17] friend: kasi nmn, ngangayon ko nga pinapansin etong feeling ko.
[15:17] friend: grrrhhh...
[15:18] me: it is enough to be thankful that we are appreciated by other people
[15:18] me: grabe sa panahon ngayon everybody wants to be with someone
[15:18] friend: at nga2yon ako nag-iisip ng ganto
[15:18] me: parang abnormal ko if you are singel
[15:18] friend: di ah... yoko nga ng commitment
[15:19] me: yun nga so bakit mo iniisip yung nararamdaman mo with another person if you are not even willing to commit
[15:20] me: my dear there is more to life than what the world is making us believe
[15:20] friend: well siguro this guy just fills in one need of mine, but not totally...
[15:21] me: alam mo ma'am do not fast track things
[15:22] me: hintayin natin syang kusang dumating
[15:22] friend: di nmn sya special.. basta when he came across my life, he brought me something i never knew i neeeded.
[15:23] me: yun nga eh alam mo pala yung mga bagay na yan
[15:23] me: and yet you entertain the thoughts
[15:23] me: alam mo before we go into something we must always examine our intentions
[15:24] friend: i mean, ngayon ko lang narealize n i was looking for that something long ago... unaware lang ako n i was looking for it
[15:24] me: the do it at the proper time
[15:24] friend: and when he came, i realized that.........
[15:24] me: is it an immediate need?
[15:25] me: hindi kabawasan ng pagkatao mo if you stay single even for your lifetime
[15:25] friend: kind of... di pa depende sa principle ko
[15:25] friend: noh, it's not that i need a boyfriend
[15:25] friend: i am sure of that, i do not need one.
[15:25] me: so ano ang kailangan mo?
[15:26] me: ano nga?
[15:27] me: tao po
[15:28] friend: well i dont act based on what i need.......
[15:28] friend: ewan ko....
[15:28] friend: !
[15:28] me: alam mo it seems that you are being defensive
[15:29] friend: then i told u about this unaware need kanina, bad ako....
[15:29] me: ha?
[15:29] friend: ewan ko talaga... alam mo kasi, if i have answer, i do answer.
[15:29] me: yun nga eh
[15:29] friend: and if i told u i dont know, i really dont know
[15:30] me: ito yun
[15:30] me: you can not allow someone to be part of your life kung ikaw mismo hindi mo kilala sarili mo
[15:30] friend: well siguro dedma ko sya kasi i am never sure of what i am feeling
[15:30] friend: go on...
[15:31] me: alam mo if you do things for the wrong reason you are only exposing yourself to more danger
[15:31] me: the way I see it now hindi mo nga kilala sarili mo
[15:31] me: ikaw mismo nalilito sa sarili mo
[15:32] me: how do you expect that someone to understand you kung ikaw mismo hindi mo maintindihan sarili mo
[15:32] friend: i see...
[15:33] me: see the logic?
[15:33] friend: infatuation lang to i know
[15:33] me: yun nga kasi you feel so good kaya we say that it is love
[15:33] me: alam mo love is not a feeling or anything
[15:33] friend: and then i try to deny what i feel kasi i have fears
[15:33] me: it is who we are
[15:33] me: ewan ko kung nagragrasp mo yung concept ha
[15:34] me: alam mo yung definition nya sa bible?
[15:34] friend: and i dont wanna talk about love kasi
[15:34] me: yun nga eh
[15:34] me: you have to know what it is for you to understand it and distinguish it from other good feelings that you feel inside
[15:34] friend: and i find it REALLY hard to entrust my feeling to someone
[15:35] me: yun pa diba love is always trusting
[15:35] me: dun palang wala ka na
[15:35] friend: i cant do that now
[15:35] me: yun nga love comes at a time when we are ready to embrace it
[15:35] me: sabi ko nga it is not a feeling
[15:35] me: it is a state of who we are
[15:36] friend: so right love at a wrong time is non-existent?
[15:36] me: ganito yun
[15:36] me: the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing
[15:36] me: kahit hindi love
[15:38] me: uy
[15:38] me: andyan ka pa?
[15:38] friend: sige bahala n lang sya...
[15:38] me: ay hindi bahala sya
[15:39] friend: i told him to work hard
[15:39] me: hindi pwedeng ganun
[15:39] me: the truth remains that the person feels something for you
[15:39] me: and it is wrong to just dismiss people's feelings
[15:40] me: nasubukan mo na yung masamang masama ang loob mo over something tapos parang people do not care
[15:40] friend: kasi eto yung attitude ko pagdating sa guys, parang "they should come chasing after me." there's no ay i will support them, aba eh di pag-igihin nila...
[15:41] me: yun nga eh kasi you see yourself as a chase
[15:41] me: do you honestly admit na yun lang ang value mo?
[15:41] me: c'mon
[15:41] me: you are more than that
[15:41] friend: yun na pinag-iisipan ko ngayon.....
[15:42] me: see
[15:42] friend: that's why i wanna figure things out
[15:42] me: ikaw mismo binababa mo yung sarili as a mere chase
[15:42] friend: kaya nabobother ako nang ganto
[15:42] me: pag ganyan ang tingin mo sa sarili mo people will treat you that way also
[15:42] me: ikaw din
[15:42] friend: treat me like what?...
[15:43] me: they will treat you as if you are someone to catch
[15:43] me: parang a price to be won
[15:43] me: ganun
[15:44] friend: i am not easy-to-get lang talaga... swear.
[15:45] me: pero kaya kang makuha
[15:45] me: yun ang point
[15:45] me: it takes only one person who can sweep you off your feet and then what's next?
[15:45] friend: wala ngang makakuha eh
[15:45] me: sabi mo lang yun
[15:46] friend: and then what's next?
[15:46] me: hindi mo alam kung ano kayang gawin ng lalake to pursue a girl
[15:46] me: ako pa sinabihan mo nyan
[15:46] me: yun nga ang tanong ko sa'yo eh
[15:47] me: if you see yourself as a chase after the chase what happens
[15:47] friend: and u know what a girl like me truly needs and wants.
[15:47] me: hindi yun ang issue
[15:48] me: hindi ko alam kung ano nga kailangan mo pero kaya kitang bolahin na magiging feeling mo in love ka sa akin
[15:48] me: that is modesty speaking ha
[15:48] me: madaling gawin yun
[15:48] me: but a man whose intention is just for the catch will definitely just use you
[15:49] me: hindi ka talaga nya mamahalin kasi you are just some conquest
[15:49] friend: after the chase, what happens?
[15:49] me: after you are conquered he moves on to another conquest
[15:49] friend: okay i select only few who can chase me....
[15:49] friend: unless matinik tlga sila/sya.
[15:49] me: sus marami ka pa ngang hindi alam sa mundo ms balita
[15:50] me: yun nga eh sabi ko sa'yo kahit ako kaya kitang bolahin na feeling mo inlove ka na sa akin
[15:50] me: pero hindi naman ganun yun eh
[15:51] friend: yun pa, i know very well that men can use girl... bolahin, paibigin.... that is why i dont trust them.......
[15:51] me: yun nga but if you do not know how to guard yourself you will be persuaded
[15:52] friend: alam mo ba na everytime may sabihin sakin ang isang guy, i would/will always doubt his sincerity
[15:52] friend: even a friend...
[15:53] friend: kaya di ako matahimik eh, lagi ako nagddoubt, nagkuquestion............
[15:53] friend: wala akong paniwalaan, i dont take their words seriously
[15:53] friend: nakocornihan ako
[15:53] me: well sincerity is felt by the heart
[15:54] me: madali namang mag i love you to everyone eh
[15:54] me: but really meaning it yun ang iba
[15:54] friend: EASIER SAID THAN DONE....
[15:54] me: you can even really mean it without actually saying it
[15:54] me: the tendency kasi for most people is that they dwell with the feeling
[15:54] me: syempre masarap kaya yung pinupuri ka
[15:54] me: and all that
[15:54] me: but it is more than that
[15:55] me: sabi ko nga hindi yan feeling
[15:55] me: love is who we are
[15:55] friend: that point sir... in fact, i hate it when one praises/complements me
[15:55] me: akala mo lang yun
[15:55] me: nagpapakadefensive ka lang
[15:56] friend: swear... ayoko makarinig ng ganun.
[15:56] friend: bingi ako dun eh... bolero kaagad iniisip ko kapag ganun
[15:56] me: hindi ako naniniwala
[15:56] me: baka naman kasi hindi marunong yung nagsabi
[15:56] me: syempre parang speech yan
[15:57] me: may delivery ding kasama
[15:57] friend: di sana ang tagal ko na nainlove.. sana ang tagal ko na nagka boyfriend
[15:57] me: hindin ka pa nga nakakatagpo ng mga natural na bolero
[15:57] me: buti na lang matino na ako nung nakilala mo ako
[15:57] me: hahaha
[15:57] friend: hate u!
[15:58] me: ayaw mo kasing maniwala eh
[15:58] me: sinasabi ko sa'yo if I really wanted to kaya kong pasagutin kahit sinong babae
[15:58] me: bigyan nya lang ako ng chance to really be with her
[15:58] me: promise!!!
[15:58] me: at hindi yabang yun
[15:58] me:
[15:59] friend: and what if the girl doesnt give u chance
[15:59] me: by the looks kung hindi kayo makakapag usap paano mo sya mabobola
[15:59] friend: isa p yan, i hate the word promise pa...
[15:59] me: yun lang naman ang minimum requirement
[16:00] me: there has to be an opportunity
[16:00] friend: im the kind of girl who doesnt give chances kasi..
[16:00] me: yun ang akala mo
[16:00] me: pero you like conversations like this
[16:00] friend: for me, u dont ask for chance,,, u work for it.
[16:00] me: sus akala mo lang yun
[16:01] me: isipin mo na lang paano mo naisip na medyo type mo na yung guy na sinasabi mo kanina
[16:01] me: and he wasn't even good
[16:01] me: hahaha
[16:01] friend: sa yo iba, cause u r a friend
[16:01] me: yun nga eh
[16:01] me: If I had other things in mind kaya ko namang mag take advantage eh
[16:01] friend: the feeling.
[16:01] me: kung gugustuhin ng lalake merong paraan
[16:02] me: alam mo you are wired a female
[16:02] me: it takes only an understanding how females are
[16:02] friend: yun, kung gugustuhin ng lalaki merong paraan
[16:02] friend: traditional
[16:02] me: anong traditional?
[16:02] friend: + patience
[16:03] me: hay nako remember a popular dialogur from ally mcbeal
[16:03] friend: no one's weird.
[16:03] me: yung we all have criterias for the perfect guy but at the back of our minds the right one is always the exception?
[16:04] friend: hala, gasgas na yan..
[16:04] friend: isa pa wala akong criteria
[16:04] me: as in wala talaga?
[16:04] me: maniwala ako sa'yo
[16:04] me: ano yung sinasabi mo kaning intellectual level chenes
[16:04] me: di'ba criteria yun
[16:05] friend: hello pag mahal mo ang tao, di mo na iisipin yun. sa simula lang yun
[16:05] me: uy defensive na naman
[16:05] me: pero criteria di'ba?
[16:05] me: sus alam mo in the span of our conversation alam ko na na you are so vulnerable
[16:06] me: kaya ikaw be careful with your heart, beautiful ka pa naman
[16:06] me: ikaw din
[16:07] friend: yan nagpapansin n nmn etong guy na to
[16:07] friend: dedma ko....
[16:07] friend: 'thanks for saying that i am vulnerable
[16:07] friend: i was waiting for someone who'd tell me that.
[16:08] me: yun nga eh masyado na kasi nating na hype up yung sarili natin
[16:08] me: akala natin hindi tayo tinatablan
[16:08] friend: wag mo ngang sabihing ako'y beautiful.. dagdag bola lang yun
[16:08] me: eh totoo naman
[16:08] me: alam mo ba pag nakikita ng mga tao yung pictures natin ang una nilang tinatanong eh ikaw
[16:08] me: promise
[16:09] me: pasalamat ka mahal ko ang mga friends ko
[16:09] friend: so?,...
[16:09] me: hay nako cadets will be cadets
[16:09] me: ako mismo wala akong tiwala sa kapwa ko kadete
[16:10] friend: stereotyping, maawa k s kanila.
[16:10] me: just believe me
[16:10] me: iisang classification na nga kami
[16:10] friend: "just believe me" gasgas n yan
[16:10] me: maniwala ka sa akin kasi ako yung kadete
[16:11] friend: be careful with what u say, especially to me..
[16:11] me: yun ang ibig kong sabihin
[16:11] me: alam mo nakakatawa ka
[16:11] me: you have this tendency to think na you are in control of the situation
[16:11] me: alam mo yun
[16:12] me: if I was scheming against you naloko na kita
[16:12] me: don't be like that
[16:12] friend: bakit nmn.... i know i should be VERY careful nga
[16:13] friend: akala mo nmn ganun ka kagaling mag scheme.../
[16:13] me: remember hindi mo ako kilala
[16:13] me: ikaw din
[16:13] me: hahaha
[16:13] friend: that's why i should be VERY careful
[16:14] me: well bahala ka kung ano iisipin mo tungkol sa akin
[16:14] friend: thanks for warning me
[16:14] me: sabi ko nga intentions are determined by the heart
[16:15] friend: pakisabi sa mga kadete, photogenic lang ako!
[16:16] me: actually hindi ko na lang ine entertain
[16:16] me: hinahayaan ko na lang sila
[16:17] me: nakakatawa no kasi parang ang dami kong alam pero hindi rin naman talaga
[16:17] me: hahaha
[16:17] me:
[16:18] me: natahimik ka?
[16:20] friend: i think it's not about how much u know, but rather about WHAT u know
[16:21] me: alam mo kung sana ang problema ko sa pag-ibig ay kasing babaw lang ng sayo
[16:21] me: ang saya sana
[16:22] friend: matanda ka na kasi eh ako bata pa
[16:23] me: hwag mo namang ipag diinan na matanda ako
[16:23] me: hahaha
[16:24] me: tatanda ka rin hehehe

On not being myself

There are reasons behind actions. One does not just do something for no apparent reason. We sometimes say that there is none, but really it could only be just two things: that our reason is from our subconscious or that we are afraid to accept the real reason.

This has been the focus of my contemplation moments ago after I received a friendster message from an underclass who is home right now for break. It was a reply to a remark I made over a bulletin she posted about some sentimental thought that I reckon she just have to blurt out. Unfortunately, she did it in friendster bulletin for everyone to see. She said that she was not being herself at that time and I corrected her by saying that she is wrong.

In another bulletin board that I go to, I made a comment on the thread about Pre-marital sex. I said that it is likened to stealing for a small kid, even if you do not teach them, they know that it is bad. No matter how we put it deep inside us we know that Pre-marital sex is not exactly right... whether you will agree with me or not! Of course, this is not some declaration of being against it, I am not a hypocrite and although I have my views and try to live with it, I am a sinful person who has been tempted and has succumbed to it (you do the math). But then I must also say that despite of my deficiencies I will never claim that I wasn't myself when I suddenly turned monster in one instant of my life. I will gladly accept that being myself entitles me to commit mistakes and better yet correct them the moment we become aware. In a simpler sense, our totality is not just the person that we are now but everything that we have done in our lifetime. The reason why people see things differenly is because people have different experiences even on the same things. Our actions no matter how innocent is always part of us we just hope that the bad ones will be forgotten and what we remember are our shining moments.

And so here I am again, putting myself out in the open telling the whole world that I too have my share of moments that I do not wish to remember. Although I understand that doing this might result to something negative, I am much concerned with accepting who I truly am and living it. When we realize that at some point we become a loser and try to forget the experience into oblivion, we also try to forget the lessons that have to be learned. I particularly remember Sharon Cuneta when asked about how will she teach her daughters about falling in love (they were talking about the Sharon-Gabby thing). Her witty reply was, "Mga anak this is not how to do it." Inasmuch as I accept that I am not perfect, I am also accepting that things had to be done for me to at least be near perfect and I guess that is better than simply detaching myself to my painful past. Life is a load of lessons that will only become one if we choose for it to be one.

Sometimes we do things and it turns out bad. In reality, everything that we do is a result of our judgment that has been nurtured by our experiences and the values that we have formed. Everyone of us may claim that we were not being ourselves when that happened, but the truth remains is that we were ourselves at that time even if we were in our temporary state of insanity. It is not like we can go to another body everytime we suck. Life is not actually a canvass where there are only good things, part of it are the bad things so that the good things can stand out. There is always a reason behind our actions and these reasons are entirely ours. It is only with the acceptance of this that living life becomes a journey towards self-discovery and self improvement.