The testing of faith and restoration of relationships

I call this experience a test of faith and a restoration of relationships. In the last days, I have had the most fearful episode of my life that I spent most of my time alone crying to myself. I was so afraid of the things that will happen especially that the thing that I love so much, my cadetship, is threatened. Although it is not over yet, by this time I am beginning to see the light and have realized how God has worked in me through this even as I write this entry now.

I haven't been writing so much about faith these past days. When this blog started way back in 2001, almost all my entries were realizations about life and how God has manifested Himself in the things that I do. Lately though, my life has been complacent and most of my thoughts revolved around my frustrations, the things that I want to do and of course the usual way of trying to be interesting being the PMA cadet writing in a blog. I did not notice how I have stagnated in experiencing and practicing my faith to the point that it seemed I do not appreciate all the blessings that I am experiencing. This was my reminder.

Cadetship for me is a highlight in my life. Not only that I struggled to be here (the story is somewhere in the early archives), there was a time that God some kind of told me that this is where he wanted me to be. Not that I expect people to believe me that I heard some voice, but my confidence in my stay here is founded on that promise. I am now on my third year, and since then I have learned so much that each day I am beginning to embrace this profession more and more. Along the process also, my confidence level has increased, sometimes to the point of being proud, simply because I heard a voice. What I have forgotten is that more than a promise, this was in fact a gift from God that I should take care of and should not be complacent about. I realized this now and I had to be reminded the hard way.

Coming back from my Christmas Break last January 2, I was called by a superior and then it seemed that everything might just be taken away. Going back to my room, I spent the next 2 hours crying over it and being so fearful, I was not prepared for my cadetship to be taken away even the thought of it makes me really afraid. It was obvious in my previous entries but I tried my best to live out my faith. I started to pray a lot, read the bible more and asked people to pray for me also. I asked counsel from people that I admire and evaluated myself so that I can deal with this problem. I did not have the choice and I told myself that I will face this problem head-on believing that I will get what I deserve. It was a leap of faith and the biggest that I took in the past years. I started to organize my thoughts and prepared to defend myself. The issue occupied everything of me that I spend so much of my time thinking how to answer questions once the investigation begins. I also imagined scenarios and how to go about them. Finally, I prayed and asked people to pray for me. I wasn't myself in the past days and everytime I am left alone, I begin to cry and talk to God.

The other day, while I was expressing my fears to my father through text messaging I realized something. You see, I have had the most difficult relationship with my father. Growing up, I blamed so much of what has happened to my life to him and it was only lately that I started to patch things up for them. But being here in PMA, I really do not have so much opportunity to bond with him and I do not feel comfortable being mushy with him in text messages and letters. I realized that this was my opportunity(and his also) to show how I love him. In our exchange of text messages, I realized that I felt good as he comforts me and guides me with what I can do. I felt that in this testing of my faith, we had the opportunity to show how much love we have for each other. After a few exchanges, I wasn't very much concerned anymore with my problem rather I was more concerned of telling him how happy I was that he was with me in this crisis and how he has made a difference in the way things are no matter how things will end up. Amidst my problem, God was restoring a relationship that had to be restored so that I can be a better person.

Things have not yet settled although it is looking up. Last night, I received some wonderful counsel and had some concrete assurance that everything will turn out well. But more than my problem being resolved, there are more lessons that I learned. I now consider this experience as God's way of testing my faith and restoring my relationship with my father. I am now truly thankful that He allowed me to go through this experience. My fears now are not as big as before. Although I find myself still wondering every now and then, what has become so obvious in this whole experience is that God manifesting himself amidst trials and assuring me that everything is in his control. This afternoon, I had the most comfortable sleep since I went back from Christmas break. Amidst my problems, God does comfort those who put their faith in Him.

For each of us, we will have moments in our lives where everything will be shaken. We will have to come into terms with realities that we are not ready to confront and yet do not have the choice. But in all these things, I now learned that in each of the trials, problems, temptations and other bad things that happens in our lives is an opportunity for God to manifest Himself and work in our lives. I now learned that no matter how things are the best way to deal with things is put our faith in God, allow him to manifest Himself and let Him do His wonder. I am so much excited of how things will end and somehow I am hoping that a lesson or two can be learned from my experience. God does work in mysterious ways.

Thank you God!!!

The first blessing

I am afraid. Last night, I had to ask some underclassmen to be with me in the room as my three room mates went on their Environmental Science Field Trip. I do not trust myself when alone, I can not stop thinking about the crisis that is happening in my life right now. I can not get it off my head and very often I end up crying to myself and be very very afraid. In truth, I am afraid that I just might get dismissed.

As I said before, I do not want to go into the details of my problem, that might put me into more trouble but I just have to write my thoughts and the realizations that I had out of my problems. Last night, I told my father how afraid I was. I told him how I cried myself to sleep, I told him all of my fears. You see, my father has not been that good of a listener to problems, but at that instant I could feel how concerned he was. Suddenly I told him that I am just so happy to go through this knowing that he is with me all the way. I guess instead of dealing with all my fears and the sadness I have, there are still good things that come with this problem of mine and last night I realized that it was God's way of reminding me of my father. I realized how different it has been before with my relationship with my father and God is showing me how important it is. This thing is far from over but as early as now, the blessings are already revealing itself. Although still fearful, I am thanking God that He is able to show me these things amidst my problem and I am still hopeful that He will show me more. Thank you God and be with me as I go through this.

I will count all of the blessings I will find in my problems and will thank God in everything... God, I'm yours....

Hoping

I suddenly find myself looking at nothingness wondering how all of my problems will be solved. I still have not idea and what is keeping me from giving up is a promise that I believe deep in my heart. I do not really expect people to agree with me but at this point in my life that is all what I have. I promised myself that I will give it all I've got... I will get through this... I will...

My Blessed Assurance

Today is like the lowest time of my life. I wanted to cry because of al the things that are happening. I do not want to go into details as this would cause me more trouble I will just have to realease my feelings without really discussing the reason why I am feeling such.

In New Year's Eve, I attended church at CCF at the back of SM Megamall. I do not remember anymore the last time I was there and the church itself changed a lot from the last time I saw it. I always look forward to the message in this church because more often I am able to gather a thing or two that applies to my life, this time was no exception. You see, I have always believed that life is fair, I mean inasmuch as many disagree with that perception I have experienced so much already in my life that lead me to believe that it is true. But last New Year's Eve, Vince Burke (the preacher) introduced to me a new idea. He said that according to the Bible, life is not fair. He said that if life is fair then we all go to die in Hell because we are all sinners. The new idea was that by the Grace of God, we actually get more than we deserve. Well, that was a major leap from my original belief system and no matter how I try not to believe it, it seems true and due to the things that are happening in my life right now, that just might be true.

Oftentimes, at the point when we have become so comfortable with our lives, it is shaken. That is how I consider my life now. My year began with the biggest frustration I have experienced since the time I was discharged 6 years ago. I will never claim that I am the perfect cadet. I had my share of laxities, stupidity and other bad things that I did, but I can confidently say that I am never bad. I can honestly say, in all conviction, that I have tried my best to be worthy of my place here. And so at the point when I thought everything was going well, I am shaken. I am shaken because everything that I do has an effect in the larger society that I exist upon which I do not have control. No matter how honest and noble my intentions are, there will never be an assurance that all will be well as in my case now. In my soul searching, as I try to contemplate with my present problem, I am amazed that I can find so much energy and faith in myself even if the odds are not in my favor. I am misty eyed that although the very things that I value the most are threatened, I can still face my problems with pride armed with a sense of peace that I never intended to harm anyone. I am glad that at a time when things are not looking up, I will have the opportunity to practice my faith and accept that things will not be in my terms but will be part of God's plan for me. I have come to realize that all the heartaches I have had, the circumstances taht I went through were all part of preparing me for this day. I know that my faith will be my weapon and that God will be my protector. When everything has settled down, however this one ends up, I know that I will come out a winner... as God promised I will get MORE than what I deserve. I hope that people will pray for me.

A New Year thought

Tonight, I will be going back to Baguio ending my Christmas Break. By Wednesdsay, I will be back in my cadet uniforms and life will go back to normal again waiting for the next break come graduation week. Life does fly so fast and in my state of nostalgia right now, all I can do is to be reminiscent of the things and somehow try to assess what has happened to me as a person in the past year or years if possible.

My vacation this Christmas was filled with meeting people and talking about topics that I like to talk about the most. For most of these people that I had so much fun chatting with, they were those who got curious about my personality thinking that mine is a contradiction to the expected behaviour of a typical cadet. That could be a good thing because it allowed me to enjoy free dinner and free coffee, on top of that I get to have a glimpse of the differences in people's personality. I am able to learn more about people and help me improve in understanding them. I discovered that people can teach us so many things it is just a matter of being sensitive and observant. I also learned that to be really honest will entail some kind of risk on being liked but in the end those that will remain your friends are definitely the ones who has accepted you for who you really are.

My life also has took a sudden turn in the love arena. The other day, while travelling from Novaliches going to Makati, Daddy asked me about this topic. Not that he was preying on my affairs, it was a natural question since unlike most of my other siblings, I have not been introducing to them or telling them about the romantic interests of my life. I can just laugh at my father, but I know that he was concerned, not that it was something to be concerned about, he was really just feeling that he's getting old and would love to see us well taken cared of. And so in most of the time that I was by myself or while I hate the fact that Clark Kent can not trust Lana Lang that she will accept him (I did a marathon of the Smallville Series), thoughts of my status in that area wallows inside my head while I try my best not to entertain the thought much. Well, something is happening and I completely have no idea how its going to be. I guess to really give it entails that I have to feel the sense of uncertainty and every time I have time for myself that uncertainty lingers in my head.

You see, its really not that easy to be so ideal about this love thing. Some people have said that I can be so good at rationalizing the whole romance thing but I have to admit that its far from practicing it. I always claim that when I start to feel something, my reason is clouded and just like all human beings I go on auto mode. About a few days after I went back from Lipa, a thought haunted me. I came home sometime before midnight and was not able to sleep until early in the morning. The thought was about really loving unconditionally. For some reason, I kind of felt that to love is to love unconditionally and that to be reciprocated for it is a Grace from God. I felt that if I was to become very cautious, I do not allow God to work on this area of my life. And so I decided to say my feelings all out. It wasn't some fancy plan, I just want to tell her how it really is. Now, I wonder how its going to be. Although I pray to God that what I want will happen, I still accept that it will never be in my terms. Maybe in time I'll be more comfortable with that reality.

And so a new year begins. I am beginning to feel the change in me through the years. Life is becoming more and more daunting as it reveal its more serious aspect each day. The childish things that I use to dwell so much before is leaving me and I could see how the change is making me a totally different person. But then again, I am confident that life will be according to a plan that has a deep sense of purpose to make me a better person. I am embracing the future, remembering the past, guided by its lessons and looking forward to the unknown that lies ahead. The adventure is getting better and better.... Happy New year everyone!!!