A Special Day

I spent a very good day today. Coming from the hospital yesterday after being confined overnight, I just had so much energy to be able to do a lot of things. So after again being in front of the computer watching DVDs, I went to the church to practice the next day's praise and worship songs. You see, I normally do not lead the worship songs unless I choose which songs to sing but for some reason I agreed. The result was one good routine, something that I have not experienced for the longest time. In my mind, as I was singing the songs I could feel the very reason why I love singing to the Lord in the first place. I was almost in tears just trying my best to prevent it as I was in front of a PMA crowd in my cadet uniform. It was just a great experience that I can not exactly describe into words.

Later during the day, I finished the last of the episodes of the series I am currently watching to realized that at the end of it all, I was again becoming too emotional and all. The feeling is different as to the last time because as I sat in front of that computer monitor by myself, I got a glimpse of the things that I value the most and had some sort of validation why I valued it. Yes, I love watching dramas and it does not make me lesser of a person. It maybe my way of being able to contemplate about my life away from the regimented military institution at least I know how to maintain my sanity. So I came to a thought.

You see, we come to a point when the choices we made in our life becomes daunting. Its results already staring at us, lessons already revealed and sometimes, the pain already being felt. Its not very often that we come to a stage in our life that we get to have this instance where we realize if the choice we made a long time ago was the right choice. The thing that made today special is that it was that day. Imagine when for the whole day, the most important stages of your life seems to run over and over inside your head that every bit of it gathers a new meaning that you have not realized before. Think about a time when things of the past started to made sense. It was that day.

I realized that I was falling in love. Not falling in love in the romantic way as I usually whine about, but I am falling in love with the fact that through the years that I have not been so sure of the decisions that I made but decided anyway, I have learned to trust more rather than worry. I have been convinced that it is better to love more even when it is not reciprocated because in reality loving can never be "UN"-reciprocated. I have learned to be happy with everything that life offers me even if I do not understand it all because I know that God will always have His way of surprising me with valuable lessons that I could have never learned have I tried to know it all. I have learned to trust myself more than my desires and do things as my heart tells me all in the name of faith. Well, this could not have been brought about by being in the hospital, being able to feel good while singing and seriously not about a drama series. I think its more of a time when we are so in touch with ourselves that we get to experience the very essence of our existence. I think its about having that assurance that my life has always been in God's hand.

The days ahead will be full of beautiful and wonderful things and I can't wait for it to come. I love you people....

Music of the heart

I got a bit emotional after watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy where Dr. Bailey was singing her child a song over the phone. It became the background of showing love in so many different things. It was an illustration of how people show love. For me though, it was another instance where I get to think about love.

My mother used to teach me how to sing Christmas Carols. Actually, she did not intend really to teach me how to sing those songs, its just that I wanted to throw away some of the music sheets she had been keeping in the drawers for I do not know how long. When I told her of my plan, she told me that those were wonderful songs and that I should not just throw them away. At that time, I did not understand what she meant. Being an 8 year old child then, my idea of music was limited to sounds that can be heard from the radio, or those sang by people. I definitely have no idea how sheets of paper can actually be called music, much more music that my mother loved. Both me and my mother love to sing. She actually was the one who brought me to the movie house to watch Alladin and sang A whole new world with me until I lost interest on the song. On that day, she taught me all the songs in those music sheets, songs that I can still sing up to this very day including lyrics that I still memorized. That was the first time that the lessons in my music class about notes and all made sense. To this day, although not that sharp anymore, I can sing along songs just by merely looking at the lyric sheets.

In high school, I found myself singing in a Choir every Sunday during services. It wasn't like we were really good and all, but I love the singing and the music. Fast forward to PMA, I sing usually leading the praise and worship or just singing intently. The singing did not stop and I guess it will never be. Its not just the singing that I love, I like the music as well and perhaps that was the reason why I became emotional watching Dr. Bailey sing. I can not count anymore how many songs have made me cry, even the national anthem now gives me this different feeling especially when it is sung for a special occasion. Like I said in another entry, music is really music to my ears.

I guess music is in some way an expression of love. I think the reason why I never forgot the Christmas Carols that my mother taught me was because of the element of love that was placed in it. I think I will forever be captured by the beauty of music and its way in expressing the heart. Love is all around and I definitely find it in music. Well, I'll stop now and go back to singing. I love you people

Extreme ends of the emotion spectrum

I do not know if to write two thoughts in my head right now is a good idea considering that the two are like on the extreme ends of the emotional spectrum. One is on the happy side and the other is on the sad side. But then to just choose either one of the two is also unfair, for these two things are in fact major things that seem to be in the same level of importance in the way things are with my life. I am stopping now with my romantic episodes, just wait for it to come by again.

A few hours ago, I had the surprise of my life when I was called up to report in my athletic uniform to the Sports and Physical Development Unit (That's SPDU for us, but really its just the PE department of regular colleges). The reason was that I was to begin a sort of grace period before I am finally given my last Physical Fitness Test (PFT) after which judgment day will come. So I went there not having any idea of what was in store for me. I later learned that I was to take a some kind of a mock PFT.

Having recently developed some form of pain on my shoulders after resting with my exercises during the break and then going back suddenly to a rigid physical activity when I got back, I had to deal with more fears as I felt that I was not physically prepared to go through the test. But then again, PMA is PMA and I did not have the choice. The first events are those that I usually pass, the standing long jump, sit and reach all of which did not bother me at all. The feeling was great until the imposing pull up bar stood in front of me. Although I know I have improved, coming in terms with the reality that this is the event that might just prevent me from graduating next March sent shivers inside my body. As I gazed at the bars, my heart was pumping and I was sweating despite of the cool weather at the time. Well I do not wish to dramatize the whole event because by the time I can no longer raise myself up enough to clear my chin over the bar, the count was already six. That's six from the zero that I had the last time I took the same exam. That means that I am actually three repetitions away from passing the test which translates that I am basically three repetitions away from seeing the President shaking my hand and handing me my diploma. For the first time since I started failing the event and thinking about it, I realized that I can do it.

So I am done with the happy part, this is the sad part. Having heard about stories of how death can be so sudden, it doesn't really stick to people since for most of us we try to ignore the reality of death. I mean talking about it somehow evokes a kind of taboo but every now and then we are confronted by it and suddenly we realized that life is just a mist that is here not but can be gone tomorrow. Last Monday, I had to say goodbye to my classmate who died in the V Luna General Hospital. Its sad when we hear the usual one minute prayers dedicated to those alumni who die but its sadder when a classmate dies. "More sadder" is when that person was not just an ordinary classmate, he was a squadmate. Well, I do not seem to have the energy to write details about it since its really just sad but I promise to write a really good one, a proper tribute to a mistah who made life in PMA more bearable just by being the person that he is. To my classmate who is now in God's Hand, I will surely miss your songs, the jokes that I sometimes have to analyze to be able to laugh and of course the lovable person that you are.

Well, that's basically it, I think I will be able to write more often now with the classes resuming and life going back to normal. I love you people...

This time it's about God

I have not been blogging as often lately but that is because the past month was so busy that it was really so hard to find time to sit in front of a computer still with an idea that is intact inside my head. Usually I have "bloggable" ideas but tend to forget it as I indulge into more and more of the activities. So I am just sorting through all the ideas in my head and write about the topic that comes into play. This time, it's back to romance... I have been receiving a lot of replies from people who just love it when I write about this stuff.

Over the break, the topic that stood out in all the conversations I had was with this topic. Not that I spend so much time contemplating about this idea but it just seems that more and more people are becoming interested over the state of my love affair that they can't help it but ask me. For one, my dad bugged me with the question of bringing someone (a romantic someone -- that is) home just like my other siblings have done (and that includes my younger brother who is not even 14). While I was busy watching the Lion King with my niece, my other brother's girlfriend arrived, and then suddenly my aunt started to look at me differently. I felt that she was like saying I'm the only one who has not introduced someone. Going to gateway to meet a classmate in the afternoon, the conversations turned into just confessions on what I think about this girl that was some kind of a fling until recent events happened and I was finally able to prove that I do not have a thing for her. Going back to the house that night, I again have to listen to my father's litany of how he was some kind of a Casanova in his time then leading to the question of how come I am not bringing or just saying stories of anyone. And then many other conversations that just keeps on revolving on anything that has to do with my romantic encounters so I'm just spilling it.

There really is nothing to spill about. Not that I am happy about it but there is just nothing to tell. I suddenly realized that I have come to an unintentional fasting on dating and being involved with people. I mean, not that I do not have days when I envy the people around me who have people to whisper sweet nothings every now and then. To be honest, there were even times that I felt so bad about my being single that I had this weird resolutions only to say that it was a stupid idea when I become sane again. In the past more than three years, I could honestly say that I have not been involved with someone. Again not that it was a personal choice, I think it was a natural outcome of just not making that conscious effort to find it. I think it was brought about by the idea that it will come in its proper time.

There is this girl that I wrote about in my last blog entry who still confuses me with her "not revealing too much" attitude. I have so many thoughts inside my head about her but I do not want her to read this entry and find out about it, she will just have to ask me if she suddenly decides not to be busy.

A while ago, I realized that it really wasn't about her, its really about me rather my belief of things. I realized that I was waiting for a confirmation of some sort. I think everything is in place and that I am just waiting for an act of God to say that I will take the plunge. Do I court her? Definitely not but I will continue to love her the way I know how to love people. I guess by now she knows that I love her, but then its not about me... This time it's about God

Heaven Sent

Forgive me for being out for so long and then being all of a sudden very romantic. But I guess periods come and the way my feelings are right now, I guess this is just inevitable.

With so many things going on right now inside the Academy (the 9th NDC and then Recognition for Class 2011) it is a surprise that romantic thoughts are the things that actually occupy my head the past days. I thought it was nothing but people seemed to notice. As of a few minutes ago from yesterday, I counted around ten times when people that I know actually go to me and ask me what's bothering me. It's obvious that there really is something that troubles me even to the people around me. And so I am confronting it.

The past month has been a blur on the things that I do for romance (or not). Its not like I really have a lot going on in this area but for the first time that I wore a cadet uniform, this area has become a major concern. Maybe it's because I am graduating in less than six months time and the next question that people ask me are all related to romance and, of course, marriage. From the little discussion that I have to major confrontations, it seems that the issue just keeps on bugging me. So this is a summary of my romantic episode.

I had a bad last relationship. It was bad because it came to a point that up to this day, I do not wish to communicate with that girl because of fear that everything will go back. A few days ago, she sent me a friendster message, trying to be friendly and all but I just ignored it. That is precisely the reason why in the succeeding years, I was just careful but hopeful. I ignored deliberate attempts by concerned people to hook me up with women on the premise that true love will find its way to me in God's time. There were several instances that I hated not taking so many chances in these area, but remained steadfast on the believe that good things are in store for me as God prepares me to be ready for that time to come. There have been several times when I find myself dreaming about a faceless bride but knew that when that bride finally will reveal her face, I would be happy. I know she will be from God.

That is the reason that when in my thirdclass year (that's second year of cadetship), I listened intently to a sign that I saw. People may think that I was imagining it or was simply trying to put some magic on my romantic encounters but deep in my heart I know there was something in that encounter. As I looked at her with the sun shining on her as she was asleep, it was as if my heart melted and I can not help it but cry. I knew that God was speaking to me, but I did not know what He's telling me. Coming back to Baguio a few days after that the thought never left me and found myself wanting to understand the feeling that I had as I was looking at her but did not know what to do since I was in Baguio and she was somewhere else... and we did not know each other. Later,I decided to act on it.

In the next one and a half year, I wrote her a letter a week (well at least I tried maybe missing not more than 10 letters). I told her stories about my life, about the things that I do in PMA, about my feelings on certain things about just about anything. I reasoned that if I made the effort to reach out, I am giving God the opportunity to do His thing and reveal what He was telling me in that fateful day. The catch is, she never wrote back only text messages, that said thank you or something like that. My classmates told me that I was being desperate. Somehow I could sense the truth in what they were saying but deep in my heart, I knew that I was following my heart. The one and a half year of writing those letters allowed me to examine my capacity to love people. The experience made me realize that love overflows in a person as long as he chooses to just love. I am a more loving person now because of writing her.

Well, people will ask why I stopped after one and a half year. The answer is that because my heart tells me that I should. As I told her in that last letter, I felt that I was being bad by continuing to write just because I was trying to make good with a promise that I will write her that often. I felt that I was betraying the message that I want her to understand because I was trying to be true to my words.

I kept with me all of the letters that I was not able to send (There were times that the letters that I wrote felt unfit for sending so I just kept it, I told her I will give it to her in the proper time). I also kept a bunch of the receipts that I got when sending those letters. More than those, I kept in my heart a memory of a beautiful lady that was to define the kind of loving person I am now or maybe the kind of loving person that I will be for the rest of my life.

Yesterday, I saw a piece of paper that was to canvass among the graduating cadets the words that they wished to be engraved on their mini-rings (the ring is a replica of the bull ring and has become some kind of a symbol of love given to a PMAers partner). Most of my classmates wrote their last names with the MRS. before it. Well that was safe since their mothers are MRS *family name*. But for me whose mother has already died, my MRS will definitely be my wife and I do not wish to preempt it. I spent the night thinking what I will write. I felt it has to reflect the kind of love that I wish to offer to that girl. I felt that although she is still the faceless bride in my dreams, she has to know that the ring was really hers in the first place. As I was writing this piece and having the chance to remember everything that I have been through in my romantic journey, I finally decided what to write.

Heaven Sent.