Comments and Critiques

I posted some articles that were ignored by my editor for publication in an online forum. Primarily, I wanted to know why it wasn't published so I was prepared to hear the nastiest criticism to these articles. The criticism were mostly about style, organization of ideas and the choice of words. I assumed I was not affected but somehow I know I am, so I decided to lead those critiques to this blog for them to see the things that I write, maybe they too have comments... well I will just have to wait maybe something good will come out of this... hehehe

New struggle

About a year ago, as new thirdclass cadet, I wrote in this Blog about my frustration over my deficiency in calculus. If you backtrack my entries in April 2005 almost all my blogs were about calculus. It was really hard then and I was afrain that I just might not make it. But of course, as fate would have it, I passed the subject went on break and had fun in San Carlos while about seventy percent of my class were left here to take the removals for the subject. At the end of it all thirty of my classmates had to go, most of them are now my underclassmen. That was my struggle last year, I had to learn study habits and luckily I was able to cope up, I did not take any removal exam and I went on all breaks that were offered to us.

This time though, my struggle is with my plebes. As a second class cadet my primary duty is being a squad leader. In layman's term I am the one responsible to the training of all underclass cadets especially those under my squad. The firstclassmen do the "executive" decisions while we concentrate on the most basic unit -- the squad. In the most recent Corps Magazine, I wrote about how humbling and very moving being a squad leader is. I was happy with the thought that I am able to influence people. I had fun molding young plebes who like me also have their own dreams in going to PMA. But as in all of the things we do it is not a bed of roses and this evening was just so bad I almost maltreated the two plebes under my watch. I guess I do not need to explain the circumstances as most people really do not know how things are here but coming to think of it, I realized that maybe this is my struggle for this year. I have come to the conclusion that my lesson is to learn leadership.

When one is faced with a task and the rest of the people around you is watching how you do it, you find yourself wondering if you are really doing the right thing. I wonder whether I am doing enough; whether I am being able to make a positive impact on my plebes; above all I wonder if I am really doing my job. With all the concepts about leadership that we have been taught, now is my time to collate all of this and apply it. Its a wonder how one time you feel so happy with what you are doing and then suddenly you are frustrated. The job is actually one roller coaster ride where you do not really know what to expect all you can do is hope that all will be well. But just like my Calculus experience I know it will be well.

So I go on, hoping and hoping that history will judge me fairly. I am hoping that at the end of this all, i can write another entry in this blog and say that it was all a test and I passed it with flying colors.

Reasons to 'DIS'-obey

This afternoon, as me and my room mates are preparing our uniforms for noon mess formation we came into this argument about regulations and helping others to survive. Our debate came after one said that by reporting other cadets when one is a posted guard we are in fact endangering their status as cadets. I reacted saying asserting that the purpose of the regulation is for it to be followed, if we think that way then we might as well discard the regulations. I further said that cadetship is not about survival but about becoming better people fit to become leaders of the country's armed forces and perhaps the country.

Well that was our heated argument and it made me a little violent finally I began to think about things. With all the so many changes that are being implemented to the Corps right now, I wonder if I can still cope up or say that there is in fact a reason to obey. Last weekend, it took me several hours before I can finally go on privilege because of this new rule that we have to pass this examination. This is a 30 item, true or false examination about the Graybook(this is what we call our rule book). The thing with this exam is that getting a perfect score is the only way to pass-- meaning we have to know the regulation to the letter. I am not really a person who complains to much about the things that are subjected to me as a cadet. Although I have my opinions, I have long ago surrendered my right to question. And then there is this prohibition of doing roadruns during our open time in the morning despite of the requirement that we run at lest two kilometer a week. The new order states that I only run before or after my PE class, which by the way is boxing. Meaning, after battling it out with the punching bag or sparring with a classmate in a 3 round boxing match, I will still have to reserve enough strength so that I can comply with the running requirement. That means that during my open time I will just stare at nothingness maybe sleep and cross my fingers as I hope that I will still be able to run the distance within the required time period. Are we taught to obey or are we given reasons to disobey?

As I said, I have accepted that my right to question is no longer mine, but there was never a time that I surrendered the right to have opinions. I know I will still follow, although I will have to spend more time MEMORIZING the Graybook so that I can go on privilege on a weekend or even if I will have to endure more fatigue finishing my required roadruns. But I will do that because I want to graduate, they can do anything but they can not stop me from graduating. The bottom line here is I am beginning to see these changes as reasons for me to disobey-- to ignore my pledge of loyalty and hate my superiors for being so inconsiderate simply because I agreed to a creed of military professionalism. I really hope they read this and that they reprimand me for voicing this out in my blog because even if I declare this things in world wide web for the rest of the world to see, they will see the obedience I exhibited unblemished. At the end of the day I am a soldier and I will follow orders. Not because I agree to these orders but because I have embraced this path. I believe that the moment I disobey I am not credible to complain, so I give it to them. But nothing can stop me from feeling bad about all that they are doing, about their "bright" ideas, about their insensitivity to the sentiments of the cadets, and about their irresponsibility as my superiors.

My frustrations... Again

I was browsing through the blogs of my friends when I realized how fun their life is. I mean Hannah talks about her showbiz career(kuno) and Jhett talks about her New York experience. Me on the other hand talks about my frustrations about my boring life as a cadet of the Philippine Military Academy. Well to a certain extent it is not really frustrations for I am definitely not frustrated with my being a cadet I just realized that my blog mostly contains the desires that I have, things that I can not do because I am stuck here and so much is expected of me. It kind of makes me feel bad about the adventures that I could have experienced if only I wasn't here. Thinking about it, I'm sure I'll still have a good life find some decent job and perhaps even have a love life of some sort. Here's the situation, my social is mostly limited to people I call "mistah" or "bok," there are others who I have to greet good morning or good afternoon everytime I meet them anywhere because it really is a minus to their humanity if some underclass ignore their being my senior. And then there are the plebes who continue to test my patience with every laxity they commit may it be in their uniforms or the compliances I order them to do. The yearlings (second year cadets) can be fun as they try to smile even if I know they are annoyed by my constant "pangungulit" simply because they can not do anything about it. On the other hand, my love life is comprised of letters that I write every week to some girl that I met in one of the conferences I attended last year, the life there is that I am just constantly hoping that she writes me back or at least send me a text message. My family who also live different lives text me every now and then about the fun that I am missing because I am here. Day in and day out, I am just wishing that something better will happen. I am wishing that the "routineness" of my life will just change and some excitement will happen. Of course, there are other people who try to cheer me up but after that I only end up wanting to be with them, missing them more and again wishing I was free.

But then there are other things that I can do. I remember our lesson in Ethics this morning about free will. My classmate said that as cadets we do not have free will because we are not able to choose the things that we want to do. Our lives are guided by a set of rules that govern us in exchange to our scholarship and all other perks of being PMA cadets. My professor (who is a Doctor of Philosophy, by the way) said that we actually have a choice only that we are not prepared to face the consequences so we do what we are supposed to. So I began thinking, he was right. I mean I do have a choice in all this. I can just decide right now to leave this place go home and just live a normal life. But that is not who I am. I mean the life that I live now is a result of the many choices I made. It was my choice to insist on going back to PMA. That choice has brought me to this very place where I feel the things that I have written about in my blog. Just like Jhett and Hannah, their lives are a result of the choices that they made. I remember Hannah saying that she once wished she had a career in creative media. I guess all of us do have our frustrations in the life we live. I bet even the richest man in the world can be frustrated over the fact that he just have so much money while we wonder why is that. In the same way, people who dream of going to PMA and be cadets may also wonder why I even think of leaving. The truth is the world we are living is not perfect. The life that we live is only as good as how we want it to be. Each of may sometimes feel bad over the things that we do. I feel bad why Hannah can go to Glorietta everytime she wants while it requires three days for me to even be allowed to go to SM Baguio and watch Superman. Well, this is life. As Desiderata would put it "... with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world; Be careful strive to be happy"

Well happiness is something we strive for. Some people are lucky because they do not need to try hard enough but at the end of everything we determine our happiness. Well I hope people will try to make me happy so that I wouldn't have to try hard enough....

The Gift

I was greeted this morning by a text message from one of my "fans" she complimented my write-ups in the recent Corps Magazine, and although compliments on my writing is not really new, I was flattered because she herself is a writer. But the best compliment I received in writing is a compliment from the judge in the Feature Writing Contest of this year's Regional Press Conference. He was so pleased with my piece that he had it published in the local newspaper here in Baguio after that competition. Some of the people I know saw that piece but due to the scarcity of that local newspaper inside in the Academy I can just wonder how it was presented. But nonetheless, somehow, that compliment allowed me to think of the things I like about writing, why it gives me so much joy and why I can keep on doing it even if nobody is really reading.

Take this blog. I have been blogging for like five years of my life. The two years has been archived in this site in The Pen section and the rest is in this site. Blogging first came when I began to be fascinated with creating websites. I did not know that I would learn to love writing but when I created my first website, I figured I had to put some content, so I invented some. I then asked people to come to the site but they did not comment much in how I made the website, they simply asked me to write some more. So I wrote until finally I have poured all of my feelings in that website and I enjoyed it. Noone can really blame me, I was always the honest type when it comes to my feelings and at that time I was just full of anxieties. I wanted to go back to PMA, I hated my father, I did not know what to do with my life... I did not have a clue and all those feelings only came out the moment I sit in front of the computer and let my fingers play with the keyboard. When my website became third in the Most Informative Blogsite of the Pinoy Bloggies in 2003, I realized that there was something in the things that I write and with more and more compliments from people who have read me, I understood that I had a gift.

So what then? Why would people care if I have some gift to put so much emotion in the way I arrange words to come up with something? For most of us, there comes a time where we come to the realization that we are endowed with a gift. Some people can open their mouths and make the most beautiful music, others can hold a pen a create wonders on canvass. As for me, although I often tell myself that I could be some great singer, or desperately try to make art out of colors, mine is with the pen and paper. In each of us, we have been showered with some gift. Some of us know it while others still have to find out. I believe that these gifts are manifestations that there is some purpose in our life. Being good at something must really have some reason. I do not know how to reconcile being a writer and a soldier, what I do know is that I will have to use my gift to do something worthwhile, something noble. In each of us is this rare gift that we should treasure and use to do something that does not only make us better people but also creates something that allows the world to feel the blessing that God has given us. All of us have this some kind of a light, the light in Art, to music and to others and it is a betrayal of that light not to allow it to shine and be seen by the rest of the world around us.

Now, as for me I will continue to write, just write to my heart's content and in my own little way I am able to share my gift and not betray it. I hope that each of us will find our gift and that we learn to use it the way it was intended to be.