Looking at it in another light

Frustrations come in many different forms. For most people it is something that just drags us down into bitterness. We wonder why despite of the things that we have done, no matter how hard we tried it still ended up different from the way we want it to be. That was how I felt when I got rejected for the congress I was talking about. Not being conceited or anything, I really just feel that I should go to that congress. And then the story unfolds and here I am... bitter. I really do not want to claim that I am not because aside from the fact that not many will believe me, it is with the bitterness that I realize something must be done.

When I first heard the news of my rejection, I was trying to convince myself that I did not hear it. It was as if I was ignoring something that was just in front of me. I tried not to think about it but it kept on following me. During a meeting for the publication, it was finally confirmed and I just felt so bad. I nursed the frustration for sometime not really knowing how to react. When I sat at my study table that night, all I could think of are the many things I will miss, the dream that I will never have. I was trying not to cry but I felt really really bad that tears just started to flow. I tried not to be noticed by my room mates so I acted normal despite of the tears. And then, just as I usually do whenever I encounter instances that I feel I can not handle, I cry out to God, I just said, "God turn this into something good."

The feeling did not go away as I tried to sleep, it kept on haunting me until my body just gave up and I dozed off. The next day was still the same thought. I could see my classmates who made it were already processing and I felt more pain. People thought that because I was joking about it, I wasn't affected. In reality, it was just my way of coping. I wanted to talk to people, to my Tactical Officer and to many others who can do something that will just change my fate. But I did not go with my thoughts, I knew I will only look trying hard. Each day became a battle to let go of that frustration and every time I think I can no longer handle it, I prayed the same prayer I made the first night.

When I told the news to my friend in Manila, he too was frustrated. He was one person that knew how much I wanted it. He asked me if there was a way to change the decision, I said there maybe but I wouldn't try. At the back of my mind, I was thinking that maybe he can do something about it since he is connected with the organizers of the congress. I was thinking maybe he could do some recommendation from their end. In the end, I dismissed the thought, I was already scheming to get what I want. Then came the people that at one point attended the congress. They were all introduced according to the year they attended the congress and it added more pain. Finally my friend started to tell me about what he is doing now. He said that he was connected with a project in Mindanao, then suddenly I remembered Project ISLAM.

What first was a continuous blow on my already frustrated heart, suddenly shifted to another light. I started to tell him about the Project. My enthusiasm became so great that I forgot I was frustrated. Finally, the realization of a new me dawned. This was God's answer to my prayer. My frustration was because I get to hear beautiful stories about the conference and dreamed of having the same stories. Somehow, I made the connection that people like my friend, have become who they are because of their experience in that congress. As I was talking more and more about things that I could do for some noble project, I was just amazed. People have become who they are because that was the choice they made. I remember how bad I feel about others who attended the congress who failed miserably in catching the message why the congress was being held. I was willing to offer myself for something good and that was the whole point of the congress. I realized that I already caught the message and the call now is not to try to catch it again but act on the message.

I decided several things on how I will live my life from now on. I may not be able to do much but I know I am in the right path. The frustration is another way of God to tell me to start doing something rather than wait and feel bad about things that do not go the way I want it. Its true, I still feel bad and I know it will take time for me to forget about the rejection, but what I do with my life now is my choice. The congress is just one of the many opportunities there is, but as long as I am here and with God on my side, I am not to waste these other opportunities. Frustrations will come but what we do with it is our own choice.

Last night, I was reading Philippine Star about an interview with Purpose Driven Life Author Rick Warren and he sums up everything that I have already said: "Its like bubble gum, you chew it but you do not swallow it."

Today I am a catalyst for change

I just arrived from Manila and I had a blast, got to unwind and made some interesting discoveries with the way I see things and how to improve it and that would be my blog entry for today.

I went to Manila to attend a forum on Media Ethics and Journalism at Ateneo de Manila University courtesy of Katipunan Magazine. We were treated with the expertise of ABS-CBN News and Public Affairs Head (and former CNN Correspondent) Maria Ressa and the ABC 5's News Head (and former ABS-CBN Correspondent) Ed Lingao. After the forum I kind of wanted to become more of a Journalist than a soldier (joke!!). But the more important concern are the issues that were raised in this forum. Maria Ressa gave her lessons in her years as a journalist, seemingly little but says a lot about how a person goes about in her function as a journalist. I particularly felt how emotional it got when she was teary eyed while talking about what people can do if only they remained true to their convictions. She warned against cynism and instructed everyone never to be cynical no matter how frustrating the situation is. Ed Lingao talked about doing things for the right reasons because in the end we will not be able to contribute to society by just doing things for shallow reasons. I went back to our billeting area when I received an invitation to watch the play Twenty Questions by Juan Ekis at Timog meeting up with a good friend that I haven't seen for the past year. The trip was finally capped up with a night-out at Metro Comedy Bar where we I shared some laughter with other cadets. As I was looking out the window on the way back to Baguio I made a remarkable realization that I think changed the way I am to live my life from this day on.

The past week was frustrating for me. I was denied the chance to join a leadership congress that I had been dreaming to join from the time I first heard about it. The Forum I attended where alumnus of this Congress and I can just watch in envy thinking that I will never be able to experience what they experience as participants of that congress. That frustration came back again as I watched a play that was written also by an Alumni of the same congress seated together with Ralph(also an alumni of that congress) who kept on telling me stories about joining the congress. My frustration came crashing down the more as almost all people that were introduced to me all attended this congress. I just tried my best to forget about it by drinking beer at the Comedy Bar only to be awakened by the same thought the morning after.

As I was looking out from my seat in the Bus, still depressed with what happened, I remembered something that Maria Ressa said, NEVER BE CYNICAL. That thought sort of repeated itself inside my head until something just snapped. I remembered Project ISLAM, something that I am beginning to really feel committed to, I remember how I talked about it with Ralph who is connected with Ayala Foundation hoping that he'll do something in support of the project. I remember the so many ideas I had the minute I caught the message of that project and suddenly I realized it is not really necessary for me to join that congress after all.

I realized that the real reason why the congress was organized was to gather young leaders for them to catch the need for members of the youth that will not only live their lives trying to be successful but becoming catalysts in making this country a better place. It was an avenue where the values of service and patriotism can be awakened among the best talents of our country's young people. With that, there was no longer a reason for me to join such congress for I already caught the message. I may not be acknowledged as a participant of such gathering, but I am a leader in my own right. Although I dreamed of having the opportunity, the congress is not what matters but what it makes out of you after you've been part of it. As for me, I can dream on but my war is not joining these gatherings but my war is happening right now. I realized the tremendous power I have being able to write about these things and open the eyes of people on realities that we have ignored. I am humbled by the role I am going to take once I graduate from this institution. Above all, I am amazed with what I can do now instead of doing all the formalities required for that congress including the possibility that the people who will attend might not get the message for whatever reason.

So I made a vow. I vowed to make a difference. I refuse to give in to cynism and will never ever allow myself to be frustrated again by things that I can not control. I will use writing as a way to open the eyes of people. I will be the change that I want for this country and I will never cease to be better each day. I am declaring July 30 as my new birthday --Today I am a catalyst for change. I may sound ambitious but again who cares, I will just do what my heart tells me.

Now, as my first order of business, I will make this website true to that new me. Ang Munting Bukayo is moving on not just as a way to express myself but also to bring out a message. A message of hope, enlightenment and service. In the coming days, a lot will happen, please pray for me with this. God help me, I am yours for the taking...

Gael's Letters makes me want to cry

I want to cry at this moment. I was just surfing around passing not really knowing what to do even if I have a major exam tomorrow plus an assignment to write, eh sa talagang wala ako sa mood mag-aral eh. So I decided to just go through different blogs and I chanced upon this blog that just makes me cry. Basically, the blog is for the author's son, some sort of mommy's letter. It becomes a journal of the many things that happen, including frustrations, joys, excitement and all other emotions. Reading it, love just overflows for this young boy. It kind of reminds me of Daddy's diary from the year 1977 that I found so many years back. Before that, I always felt that he did not love me that much but reading that, I have the same feeling that I feel now. I think that for a child to be truly confident about himself he should feel loved and with the blog even if I am not the child I could really sense this aura of love. I'm not being sentimental really, the blog really just got me...

Kahit ano...

Ayoko talagang magsulat ngayon, naisip ko kagabi lang ako nag update tapos ngayon may sinusulat na naman ako. Kaya lang eh sa talagang ang daming tumatakbo sa utak ko na pag hindi ko sya sinulat baka mabaliw ako at ano maisipan kong gawin.

Ang sama sama ng pakiradam ko kagabi, siguro dahil naligo ako ng pagkalamig lamig na tubig nung hapon. Pakiramdam ko may lagnat ako nun pero ayoko namang magpa ospital kasi nga bukas eh bababa ako ng manila. So pinagtyagaan ko, para akong lasing na normal naman mag-isip pero talagang napakasakit lang ng ulo ko. Pag dating ko sa room ko galing magcomputer nahiga ako at nakaidlip ng kaunti, nagsimula na akong lamigin talaga na sure na sure na akong mauuwi sa malalang lagnat ang aking nararamdaman. Nung tumonog ang tattoo bandang 9:30 tumayo ako at umattend ng meeting tungkol sa mga bagong pakana ng PMA para daw mas maging "responsive" ang training namin. Binalita na sa lunes daw ay magkakaroon ng All Right ng unregistered cellphone. Ang ibig sabihin nun gagamitin na ang honor code para masigurado na lahat kami ay nakaregister ang cellphone. In short, dapat na talaga akong mag register at hindi na ako madalas makakapagtext sa mga tao kahit na halos wala na naman talagang nagtetext sa akin. Tapos pinag-usapan ang paghahanda sa Intramurals in two weeks time at yun bumalik na ako ng room ko nagbihis ng pantulog at natulog na.

Speaking of text, iniisip ko na itext ang aking crush. Kaya lang, dahil madalas naman eh nadedema lang ako hindi ko na tinuloy, instead eh sinulat ko na lang ang mga naiisip kong sabihin sa kanya. Dahil nga masama talaga ang pakiramdam ko, hindi na ako masyadong nag-isip ng mga kadramahan basta sinulat ko na lang kung ano talaga ang nasa utak ko, kumuha ng envelope tapos yun na, maya maya pagkatapos ko nito imamail ko na. Hindi pa rin ako mapakali sa tanong sa akin nung katext ko kahapon, kahit na sinulat ko na kung ano feeling ko, mahirap pa rin talaga pag hindi mo alam kung ano ang kalagayan ng mga bagay bagay. Lalo na kung parang yun na lang ang kaligayahan mo dahil ang lungkot lungkot na ng buhay dito sa Baguio. Naisip ko pa kagabi na siguro kung buhay pa ang nanay ko malamang kami lagi ang textmate. Medyo naiyak iyak tuloy ako ng maalala ko uli na wala na pala akong nanay.

Ang nanay ko kasi ay parang ako rin. Gusto laging may napapala sa mga ginagawa. Naalala ko nun nasa States na sya tapos tinanong nya bigla sa aking kung ano ang difference ng English Phonetics at International Phonetics. Ang totoo yung time lang na yun ko nalaman na may ganun pala. Kahit na na weweirdohan ako sa tanong hinanap ko pa rin, at nalaman ko na may koneksyon pala yun sa trends ng pag gamit ng mga salita. Ngayon alam ko na at pag nag susulat ako lagi kong iniisip ang relevance nun. Ay basta namimiss ko lang siguro talaga nanay ko at naiisip ko mga bagay bagay na mangyayari kung buhay pa sya. Naawa nga ako sa pamangkin ko kasi she will never be able to meet her grandmother, pati sister in law ko picture na lang ni Mommy ang inabot. Ano na lang pag ako ang nag-asawa at anak, hanggang kwento na lang ako. Ngayon pag may naiisip akong kabulastugan, naiisip ko na baka pagalitan ako ng nanay ko kaya hindi ko na ginagawa. Ngayon namromroblema ako kung paano magpapapansin sa crush ko, siguro kung buhay si Mommy meron syang sasabihin sa akin na ikatutuwa ko regarding the topic.

Hay nako, hanggang labas na lang ako ng sama ng loob. Sa mga taong sinusulatan ko pero ayaw magparamdam, I'm just crossing my fingers, malay mo may milagrong mangyari. At sa nanay ko, talagang ang dami nyang iniwan sa akin kahit na wala na sya at sana yung mga taong may mga nanay pa dyan lagi nilang pahalagahan ang bawat segundo na meron silang tatawaging Mommy, mama or nanay. Ako, ipagpapapalit ko lahat ng bagay na meron ako ngayon para lang bigyan ng kahit na isang pagkakataong mayakap ang nanay ko... hay naiiyak na naman ako....

Getting what we want or risking it

Exchanging text messages earlier with a friend, I had this thought of putting into words what is it that I am doing right now with my so called lovelife. And that will be my topic for this blog entry.

I really think that the world we are living now is full of so much pretensions that instead of just being who we are, we adjust to this pretensions so that we can gain people who will be with us. That was also how I was when people always commented that I was just noisy. The thing is, I never gain a good first impression to people that I meet. It is always two things it's either I am shallow or I am simply proud. That is what I get for trying to be myself, opinionated and admissibly noisy. In my younger years, I hated it when people think that way about me. I have always known myself as someone, and if I may say, hindi po ako masamang tao. Even if people will most of the time immediately notice how noisy I can get, I still mantain that I am not somebody who speaks about useless things or just being boastful. I have so much to say because with my kind of personality I just have so much things going through my head that I can not help but blurt it out. I mantain that if one will just listen to what I say, nothing purely rubbish comes out of my mouth.

So the friend asks me, did I ever ask this girl what she thinks about me. That led me to think that I just might be afraid of what answer she'll give. But I remembered, sometime ago I confronted that issue even before I made up my mind over this. I hate it when people do not go beyond what their first impression on me is and conclude that I am just someone not worth dealing with. Even if I want to gain friends, I want these friends to be my friends because they know the real Alex and not some cadet from the Philippine Military Academy who takes advantage of the prestige and status that PMA has built up. When I was confronted by the reality that I am becoming fond of this girl, I took a risk that I never took before.

Most people see courtship as impressing another, putting forward his best asset. The lady feels good about this someone who is just so impressive and she gives in. After that, she realizes that the man is some psychopath who does not care about her and she lives a nightmare. It is easy to "bolahize" people but it will be hard to be accepted as the true person that you are. I am taking the risk of exposing all my weaknesses, showing the real me and somehow make her understand that this is me: the person. In the letters that I send every week, I usually talk about the things that have happened in my life, especially the sad ones and tell her how I felt about these things. I tell her how these things changed my life and the lessons that I learned. I try my best not to impress her with things that are easy to compose but just depend on the sincerity of the things that I have to say and feel. So I was asked by my textmate, "Paano yan wala na syang itatanong sa'yo kasi sinabi mo na lahat?" I was not able to answer back but upon contemplating I understood that one lifetime is not really enough to know a person but what is important is we get to be known based on the things that are true rather than an image that we create. One time, she texted me about my being "makulit" further saying that she is already used to it. Now I realize that she may not really like everything that is about me. But the bottom line is my heart is pure and that I am a true person. If in the end she is able to appreciate it then that's a reward for the risk I took. If she does not, at least I am sincere and be myself.

Sometimes the greatest challenge we hurdle as a person is just getting what we want or risk it believing in the fairness of life. I am choosing the latter. I am choosing to believe that I will sow what I reap and my heart tells me that she is worth the risk. When all is said and done, no matter how it will end, I am choosing to believe that I will get what I deserve. I am crossing my fingers everytime I write my letters at the same time I am believing that God is good all the time.