Cancelled break, happy state and other things

Academic Break for me is definitely off. Yesterday, the First Sergeant informed me that I am definitely not going on break this October. Of course I felt bad, who wouldn't want to get some reprieve on the monotony of life inside this Academy, but since I knew beforehand that it was possible I already started preparing myself for the eventuality and so as I was seated on my chair, I just accepted my fate. I will not be able to go to Daddy's Camp in Mindanao, I will not be able to visit friends, I won't be able to buy the new camera I was saving money for and I will not be able to use it for this year's Pintaflores in San Carlos. I'm now thinking of all the fun I can get "touring" the PMA grounds and making sure no intruder will come in. I am thinking of having my cyst removed and relaxing within the confines of the hospital. Well, I'm hoping that something good might come out of this experience.

I still am happy despite of my cancelled break. I do not know if it is just me but somehow the effect isn't that bad. Even as I write this entry I am not thinking of the break I will be missing but rather someone I am missing. I guess my moment of acceptance the past days triggered so much emotions that were held back and suddenly opened up which might have caused my happy state. But then again, I just do not know, I am just contented with the way things are happening. I also realize that there is some form of freedom that one experiences that comes with acceptance of things, just as my acceptance of the feelings I am having.

With so many people very much preoccupied with how things should be done on matters of the heart, sometimes it becomes the focus rather than the state of being in love itself. A long time ago one acquaintance ask me the simple question "Ano ang ginawa kong mali?" I did not know how to answer the question, I felt that it wasn't supposed to be asked because personally I feel that love is solely based on hope. I mean we can so so many things but ultimately we can just hope that it will turn out well. I believe there is no clear cut formula and that I stand on the principle that it is simply believing that it will endure despite of the challenges life has to offer. This is not to say that we can not do anything, of course we should do our share but in the end we do not have the choice but to believe. And so I go with that already in place, I would like to think that rather than cracking our heads scrutinizing everything hoping to understand why certain things happen we should be more into the reality that we experienced being in the state of love. I am not saying I do not want things to happen the way I imagine it but I am fully convinced that it is never about me, if God decides for it to happen then I will be forever thankful (I can just imagine the "huh??" look on the people reading this hehehe). I am happy that I am able to experience being in the state and will continue to do so but am still fully convinced that it will come in God's time.

Other things

• I am being asked to write a story for this year's 100 Night Show and no good idea is still coming out of my mind, if you have suggestions kindly use the contact form on the side
• I do not have a good read since March and I am looking for suggestions
• The Corps Magazine will come out later this month... just wait for it...

The prayer of a longing heart

I said a simple prayer after taking my dinner this evening. It was some prayer that I haven't said for a while.

These past days had been somewhat of a haze. With so many things going on, I have somewhat forgotten the things that I like doing and concentrated so much on what I had to do. With the Formal Dinner last saturday, I was more preoccupied with not being slugged for not finding a partner rather than be happy by the fact that I am about to experience something that can only be experienced when one goes up to the ladder in the Academy. The next day in Church, trying to ward of drowsiness from lack of sleep the day before, I busied myself with teaching the children at Sunday School the song they were to perform for the Church Anniversary a few weeks from now. I was amazed by the patience of the other young people teaching them and felt sorry for myself for not having that much patience, I'd rather have plebes than little children below 10 years old. Then yesterday, I tried myself to write something of sense in this blog hoping that I can come up with something worth reading. Reading it now, I realized that the beauty of what I write here is that my heart speaks through the words, last night's entry was an attempt to sound concerned. It is not to say that I am not concerned with the affairs of the country, its just that at that time, my heart occupied more pressing issues in my personality. As I stand in silent prayer after dinner earlier this evening, I realized that my heart had been longing for something. I then went on for study period reviewing for my major exam tomorrow, I was gazing at the different things I placed in my study table still very contemplative although trying to remember the facts about the medieval period which will be my exam tomorrow. Then familiar songs played in the computer behind me, songs that I love to sing, songs of praise and worship. I realized God was trying to talk to me, He was whispering to my heart. I finally heeded the urge, and started walking towards the computer laboratory, I wanted to understand the longings of my heart.

It was not long ago when I started feeling differently about the things that are happening to me. This different feeling has developed into a longing for something or rather for someone. Believe it or not there is never a day that I do not think of that someone. A few months ago I decided that I will just wait how things will come. I will never be agressive, I will never push my luck. I decided to stand firm in my convictions that love will come in a manner that only God dictates. The letters that I wrote her once a week became an activity that I looked forward to and for no apparent reason my life suddenly drifted around her. It's surprising because she never replied to any of the letters I sent her and yet each day I grow more and more engrossed by my feelings. I continued to ponder on this finding reason but finally just believing that something is happening outside my understanding. The love letter that I wrote a few days ago was something that came out just by thinking about her while my entries has somewhat revolved on topics about love. The Formal Dinner last saturday although a disaster became somewhat of a cause for anticipation of next year's Formal Dinner. The talk of our rings coming and other class memorabilias do not come to me as a sign of achieving my dreams but a reminder that there has to be someone with me when I achieve my dreams. Maybe I am just imagining things, seeing everything as a reflection of something that I do not have but I remembered my prayer a long long time ago I realized she was the one, I said to God "Lord, guide my heart." I gave it all up to Him the moment I felt that tickle in my system and I am believing that it still is. With all the "funny" feelings I have I can just be hopeful and continue to believe in the beauty of this wonderful journey that I am going through. I guess I really am in love, by all means my heart tells me that I am in that state and I am finally accepting it. As I stand in silence talking to God in one dark corner with several others saying their own concerns, I finaly admitted to God that I love her and I am trusting God to do what He has to do.

A quick post

I was checking the IP addresses of those who visited my website and I had an interesting discovery someone sent the Love Letter I made to someone... hahaha. I have to say that I am flattered but I also have to say that it is not just SOME love letter as my title would put it, it was really for someone siguro pag nabasa nya she'd know na sya yun or siguro pag malakas na loob ko i-eemail ko rin sa kanya yun... hehehe

Of this country and its (sad) state

A few days ago I was reading this article about Gawad Kalinga receiving the prestigious Ramon Magsaysay Award for Community Development and then just a few moments ago I was reading the plight of the 2004 Medical Board Exam topnotcher who went to the States to become a nurse. That and all other recent news items present the irony of our society, about how bad or good can things become. But somehow I am believing that things can be done the question is how?

The recognition of Ramon Magsaysay Foundation to Gawad Kalinga was just proper. A few years ago I read about an Englishman who came to the Philippines and was touched by the vision of Gawad Kalinga that he gave up everything in England, came to the Philippines to help out. I believe at that time he was waiting to become a naturalized Filipino Citizen. This phenomenon is not just for Gawad Kalinga, there are many other organizations of this nature that vowed to help out this country. When the new Corps Magazine comes out, I wrote a feature about Project ISLAM who built up a Muslim Community that has changed the lives of many of our Muslim Brothers. This is just to show that a lot can be done if only we decide to do things rather than just complain. Of course, I must admit that there is pleasure in complaining but I hope it does not end there. Let us take the case of the Medical Board Topnotcher, I do not know why he decided to become a nurse abroad but I felt bad that he decided to do it. I'm not even a topnotcher of any board exam and yet I still know that I can do a lot of things to improve my life in this country. So I wonder, is the situation of the country really that bad that our best brains no longer have the confidence of landing good jobs even with their credentials?

The examples of Gawad Kalinga and the Topnotcher are extremes of a maxim. Gawad Kalinga still believing that this country will prosper despite its problems while the other has totally decided to leave this country for greener pastures. The question then is where in that maxim do we stand? Let us examine our options: the country is in a bad state, our government is plagued with various controversies, politicking here and there, public funds being malversed and integrity being questioned; then we have a people that is in the midst of poverty, cynical people who has lost hope on the good things in this country; then there is this promise of a good future abroad, the unknown world that seems to shine better than our own household. There are still other realities we just have to weigh our options and choose what to believe.

In the end how we choose will determine the fate of this country. This country will still be our country and we will always be known as Filipinos even if we prosper in other countries and be their citizens. Our skin can never deny what country we came from nor will it hide the realities that our country is facing. In the end we will always be Filipinos and our country will always be Philippines. I guess my bias is obvious. I pray that when we set out to plan our lives, we take into consideration our heritage, our being Filipinos and the roles we have as its people. Going back to my original question in the beginning... HOW? Maybe you have suggestions....

Some Love Letter

I wanted to tell you how I feel but I do not know how to begin. The confusion that I am experiencing is something that I can not understand. I just know that it is from my heart and it is that feeling that keeps me alive these past days. The loneliness that I feel every now and then is overshadowed by the mere thought of the wonderful things that I remember about you. It is an irony that even if I try to remain within reason, the irrational part of me overtakes the very being that I try to uphold. I end up giving it all up and allowing myself to be swallowed by the vast emotions that my heart constantly whispers into my system.

It is not always that people have so much effect on my. Although I try my best to reach people in a deeper sense, it is not always that it goes to that. But you were different. You were somewhat of little flicker that kept on growing and growing eventually becoming a brushfire that has consumed my very existence. In the simplest way of putting it, you made my spirit alive. Every night as I try my best to get away from all the stress that contends me each day, I smile to the heavens realizing that you are in my life. The very thought of you makes me want to go on with what I do ignoring the frustrations and other dillemas and just continuing to believe in the beauty of what life has to offer. It is in the assurance that you are just there somewhere prods me to live life to the fullest, love the world and thank God for everything. My heart dwells on the thought of you and it lives in the belief that it is for your taking.

I say this now because I may not be able to say this to you. If the time comes that the opportunity will present itself for me to say all this to you then I would gladly say it but if not, this will become a testament of how my heart loved you dearly and that how you brought life to it. I do not know the future. Although I am hoping that it will be something where we will be together it is never a certainty, what is certain is my heart that hopes for certainty. I love you from the bottom of my heart.