Pulling it up

I realized that the best way to deal with my struggles is to face it head on and I am doing it just now.

PMA as most people already know is not an ordinary educational institution. Although it pride itself with having an excellent academic curriculum, one does not graduate by merely being academically brilliant. There are four actualy: academics, character, military and physical. These four are all important aspects of cadet training which all of us must pass. On this four I struggle with the last.

Not that I am physically weak, its just that I have trouble doing one of the events in our regular Physical Fitness Test; the Pull-ups. According to some of the research I have done, the pull up is the ultimate exercise to test a person's weight to strength ratio. It is also the best exercise for the back. Obviously, my deficiency is on that aspect. When the semester begun this year, we were told that there will be a change in the way the Physical Fitness Test will be performed. They imposed stricter standards and that is where I find myself in trouble. In the previous years, I was used to doing this jerking motion to be able to do the exercise, this year though the jerking is no longer allowed. I find myself not being able to do even one against the required nine for me to pass. Not passing it means not being able to graduate in March. There goes my trouble.

I am writing this now not because I am asking for some mercy but because i want to face my fear. My fear is to accept that I am weak on this aspect and that I need help. Being in my position, with many other cadets looking up to as their leader, it is not easy to accept ones weakness. Every now and then when I go about doing my duty, I ask myself whether or not I have the right to lead people when I can not even do one exercise that most of those under me can do perfectly well. This has taken its toll with my not wanting to ask for help thus this honest revelation hoping to be comfortable with the idea that I need help and I need it badly. It took a while for me to do the exercise in the presence of other cadets out of simple embarrassment. I really have to swallow my pride now.

Last night, I was in a meeting with my other classmates. The agenda was simple: Me and how to pass my PFT. Although I did not show it to my classmates, it was one of the first signs of hope I had in the many months that I struggled dealing with this problem all by myself. More than just my own problem, it became clear that it was also my classmates problem. As we say here, "A mistah is thicker than blood." After last night I knew that those bunch of people will do whatever it takes to see to it that I will be stronger and be triumphant over my struggle.

Today I made a vow to myself (and to the others who are supporting me), I am giving myself up to October 20. That's almost a month. My birthday is the day after that and my birthday present is me being able to pass my PFT. I am having a rough start but then I know it can be done.

Yesterday, I was reading a story about a South African Doctor by the name of Dr. Richard Mayoyo. He was a neurosurgeon who was accidentaly shot on the head causing his paralysis. He wanted so badly to go back to being a neurosurgeon, something that was impossible because of how intricate it is to operate on a person's brain and him being paralyzed. To make the long story short he did came back to becoming a neurosurgeon. Some say it was a miracle, but reading it I say it was the triumph of the human spirit. The triumph of Dr Mayoyo's spirit and all the others who did not give up on him.

I am beginning my own journey into the triumph of my own spirit. Just as how this blog has been a witness to many of my struggles as a cadet and how I managed to deal with all of it, this blog will be a witness to that. I am hoping that those who will read this blog will pray for my struggle. I will pull my spirit up and in the process become a better person... God Bless me

Just blogging

After my announcement last week, now is the only time tha I have something to write. I'm feeling better now and I'm done with all my exams for this semester so this is a good way to start.

The reason why I did not post for the past week was because I was into something that really occupied me so much. Looking back at it now, I feel that I should have written something about it for the pupose of being able to record the evnts that happened to my life in the past days. My hand is actually going on automatic in the keyboard because all the ideas are just comming out of my mind like flowing water from a dam that has not been opened for a while. Bear with me as I try to accomodate all of these ideas.

Developing new friendship are just some of the things that have occupied me in the past week. I did not know that it was possible but really I am enjoying the company of new people. I am discovering how lives can be so different yet so similar to each other. I realized that the way to another person's heart is to let go of your differences and treasure the things that bound you together as people. In the next coming days I will try to write more about this new friendship and somehow be able to really understand why it has really made something out of the totality of my existence.

My chances on my PFT are getting slimmer by the day and with all my academic requirements fulfilled for the semester, I decided to go on a rigid physical regimen in the next coming weeks to address this growing concern on my physical fitness as a cadet. I have been trying to read a lot about doing pull-ups and that is what I will try to do in the next weeks hoping that God will be faithful and bless me with the upper body strength I need to pass it. Please help me pray.

The 9th National Debate Championship is also fast approaching with PMA as host. There has been several problems that were encountered but I still say that the experience the participants will have with PMA as host will be something that they will remember for the rest of their lives.

I just realized that I really was not able to write something substantial but then again that is just how it is, maybe some other time. The thing is I am praying for the good things to come, help me people with prayers.... Thanks

Announcement

I just deleted a couple of messages from my shoutbox. Apparently not all people like the person that I am. I do not want to make explanations but then the truth is I do not see how people can be so happy at doing things to another person's blog. I will not react on the truthfulness of any of the comments mad, may be they are correct or maybe they are wrong, what I'll be doing is to keep on writing. I may not be the best person in the world but I also know that I can not please everybody. With this I would like to temporarily disable the shoutbox so as not to to further add injury to the person that I am.

To those who do not like the kind of person that I am just do not patronize me, I'm happy with the way I am and its definitely not my loss if you hate my guts...

For those who read what I write, keep on reading, I appreciate that...

The place where we are one

It's been a while since I had an enjoyable conversation. There have been several times that I just want to talk to people beyond my life as a cadet. I want to talk to them about areas other than the military, I wanted to talk about life as we live it.

I was talking earlier with some of our instructors and it was a rejuvenation of some sort. I was both excited and curious of their lives.

A typical day of a cadet consists mostly of routine activities that we do day in and day out. Life becomes so monotonous that at some point it undermines our very personality. We wake up in the same room, do the same things for the whole day, so definitely we do not talk about what happened to us during the day. The thing there is that we really have nothing to talk about because we share the same life.

This afternoon, I found myself in a company of my civilian instructors, telling me different things that are not in any way related to my existence as a cadet. At one point we were talking about career choices, about plans for the future. One wants to live a luxurious life, another a career in law. The conversation includes the ins and outs of the choices one is going to make in getting there, the implications of such decisions and of course, the fulfillment one get afterwards. In the almost an hour that we were sharing ideas, it was as if I was transported to a different world. It was a world where everyone is living their own life trying their best to reach their goal. In that world, I wasn't some cadet. I was a cadet and they were teachers; all of us want to have the life that we dream of.

I always say that dreams make the people that we are. Our ability to dream determines our courage to face each day believing in those dreams. In the group of people I was with, I did not have to worry whether or not I am going to Mindanao after graduation. I did not have to worry whether the things that I know are good enough to become a lieutenant. In that gathering, we were all dreamers, figuring out how to live our lives, thinking about ourselves and BEING OURSELVES.

The way a cadet spends his life are full of expectations that at some point just drains the very essence of the person that we are. Sometimes we are fed up with being cadets and longs to be treated just like any other human being with all the goals and aspirations that define the person that we are. Once in a while, we get those chances and we become whole again, we become rejuvenated.

Thinking about it now, I find myself back to my real world. I am inside a room full of people wearing the same clothes as I do. All of us are subjected to the same regulation, the same rules, the same everything. But being here and talking to my instructors earlier, I have come to a realization of the very essence of why I am here. As I live my life, enduring it's boredom and monotony, being envious of people who have more freedom, I realize that I am in fact in my place. I am at a place where the sacrifices that I make matter more than my individual dreams and aspiration. I am at a place that even though there are times that I just hate it here, somewhere out there people also have the same worries as I do, they too worry what to do with their life.

After this, I will go back to my room and sleep on my bunks. Tomorrow, I will wake up among the same group of pe0ple. I will then go on with my life and see the familiar faces that I had a conversation with the night before. And then I will realize, just like me we are all the same people. We are in fact all dreamers, living this life and hoping that we'll be good at it.

Pictures Galore

I was looking at the pictures that I had been keeping in the hard disk and got a little nostalgic about the memories I had as a cadet so I am posting those pictures now to share a few of those memories.

This was taken at summer camp 2004, hanapin nyo ako, ang payat ko nyan and so are all the plebes
Behind me are lots and lots of instant pancit canton. Believe it or not, a feast inside the cadet barracks consist mainly of pancit canton, news paper and hungry cadets. In this picture it was our turn to cook the evening's "boodlefight"

This picture was taken a few days before the graduation of Class 2006. With me are now Air Force Lieutenant Ramayan and Navy Ensign Robles. The other one is my squadmate. All four of us were members of the same squad which is actually the "family" of cadets being the smallest unit This picture was taken after Ranks Inspection. I was a yearling then. The year after this we were all realigned to another company.

With me in this picture is Hanna taken during last year's Alumni Homecoming. She's a dear friend married to an upperclass.I really was an extra at the Maalaala mo Kaya episode about the life of the late 2LT Toledo and here's the picture to prove it. I was one of those who kept on passing in most of the scenes... palakad lakad lang

San Carlos City and Body Painting

About two years ago, I spent my break at my father's hometown in San Carlos City, Negros Occidental. That was to be the last time I will be there until now. What made that vacation fun was that it concided with the annual City Fiesta and to my delight, I practically spent my whole vacation partying.

But this entry is not about partying, this is actually a follow to the last entry that I have about my tito's Body Painting Competition which he holds annually since 200o and of course my daddy's hometown.

At first glance, one would think that San Carlos City is a sleepy place living away from the fast paced life of modern society. To this day, the city prides itself with pedicabs as a mode of transportation to go around it. The pedicab is really a pedicab in the real sense of the word, it is bicycle powered. Believe it or not, in this part of the country this is still what is used. But again, I must say that to form an impression on the city in general based on these seemingly backward practices will deny you of the many things one can experience in this place. To put it simply, San Carlos City is home to a vibrant culture that has cultivated itself on its own, truly a unique sight in all of Negros Island (to an extent in all of the Philippine Islands).

The City prides itself with the Pintaflores Festival. The festival simply means "We paint flowers." In this spectacle, the main motiff are flowers in all its vibrant colors painted on the bodies of those who perform the street dance. It is basically an explosion of flowers that sets the very festive mood associated with the fiesta celebration. It is a sight that amazes everyone with the vastness of colors that appears all in one place. As people would put it, it is an "explosion of colors."

Well, other events highlight the celebration but what comes close to heart is my tito's BodyPainting Competition. I personally think that this is the perfect evidence of culture in this part of the country. The provocativeness of topless models being painted on their bodies which has been accepted as part of the festivities is truly something that is worth the look of any tourist. I can say that not many has actually seen how these work of art is done, truly there is beauty in the human body. One will discover the perfect combination of shapes, wonderful colors and, of course, the human anatomy. More amazing is that these creations are mostly locally bred with their raw talents unhindered by expectations set by popular culture. Truly, it is a reflection of a society that has defined itself over time through the heritage that it has developed detached from modern society.

I dare people to witness these events and see for themselves a differnt kind of experience that is promised to be a wonderful memory. In the meantime, enjoy the pictures.

The Making of a Body Painting

This model and artist tandem won in the 2005 edition of the Body Painting Competition

Did I not say it was fun???

Other pictures

Note: The Pintaflores Festival is slated every first week of November. The NUI Pintaflores Bodypainting Competition is a major activity during the week-long celebration. All pictures that depict the bodypainting competition was taken by this writer. I just realized that the pictures I took was never "released" to the public. Sorry but the lay-out can be terrible because of the limited options blogger provides.

My Tito's brush

I was browsing through websites a couple of days back when I found pictures of painted bodies and remembered how my tito creates such wonderful masterpiece with his brush.

I wasn't close to him as an uncle. I barely knew him and there was just no opportunity for us to know each other. Our lives were separated by our chaotic family situation and though I knew him as my father's brother, that was just it.

As a young boy, I often saw his paintings on our walls and knew then that he had this talent for the arts but again that was it. Unknown to him, I marveled at the huge mural he have on his wall. My interactions with him were mere casual small talks that had to be done because we were in the same house.

Fast forward to 2003, I was "exiled" at the province and spent the best days of that exile with my tito and marveled at the talent he has. The picture in the side is a body painting created by my tito. That is what people will expect on his yearly body painting competition that is now on it's 7th installment. I was on the fifth and I am hoping to be there again when this one is staged. For more information about the event go to 7th NUI Pintaflores Body Painting Competition. Or you can use the tags nui and bodypainting at Flickr

Its not about the question

"Ours is not to question WHY but to know the WHO behind it"

I remember this quote as I say my little prayer this morning for the death of 2Lt Ariel M Toledo, PMA Class of 2006.

Most people would remember him as the subject of a recent Maalaala Mo Kaya episode or the valedictorian of the biggest class to graduate from this Academy. For me, I remember him as that jolly upperclass who made me run at least two checkpoints (that's about 5.5 Km distance of roadrun each) for not fixing my bunks properly, The Company Commander who tutored me and my classmates in Calculus, or simply the cadet who taught us how to smile despite of the pressures in our training as cadets. Yesterday, he succumbed to the rare bile duct cancer after more than a year of fighting the disease. Why do good people die?

In an article I read from Panorama Magazine a few days back, a columnist wrote about understanding why bad things happen in this world and asked the simple question: WHY? Thinking about it now, the question is valid. In my lifetime, I have lost an uncle to the brutalities of the NPA, a cousin (my favorite cousin that is) to an unknown brain condition and a mother to cancer of the cervix. One can not blame me if there are times that I just talk to God and ask him why people that I love had to die and yet I see bad people around me living their lives without any care for the rest of the world. I read about lives great men who died of malaria (like that of Alexander the Great) or in their sleep while down hard criminals escape bullets being fired at them. I wonder why despite of all the good things that I want to do, I end up finding myself in deeper trouble while those who do not care about anything can get away with even the gravest offense. I ask why.

Yesterday, I wrote an e-mail to someone. I was very emotional writing it trying to put into words my feelings without really giving so much ideas about why I was even that emotional in the first place. The thing with writing that e-mail was that in my emotions are little confusions as I find myself looking out for the best of the things to come yet so sorry for myself because that is all I can do, to hope. I realized that in everything in this world I can really just hope. But in this hope I learned that the mere act of being hopeful for the good things is a journey towards self discovery. It is a journey that allows a person to understand the real meaning of this life and not be encumbered by the uncertainties that accompanies it. The fact that good people die is never a reason for us to stop being good people in the same way that bad people escaping justice is not an excuse to be bad. The thing is our life is not about those who are able to go on with their lives or lack of it but rather on the kind of person that we become as we live each day fulfilling a purpose that has been drawn out for us. We can choose to love or to hate but to choose hate knowing that it is the wrong choice is simply stupid.

The life that we live is not about those that we have lost but on what is there to gain. The lives of those already lost is never a lost because in reality they have lived a life where lessons and memories can be gathered to make us better people. Life is so wonderful that spending it by trying to understand it diminishes all the beauty it has.

I do not know the answer to the question why nor do I want to give an answer based on my belief system, but what is real is that being alive has a lot to do with living it rather than questioning it.

For Fides

I was looking at pictures of the recent wedding of my cousin. It kind of gave me memories, fond memories that is.

Back in the days when I was searching for direction in my life, I used to spend the best times of those with her. I remember the first time she was in Dumaguete telling her things about the place since I was already there for a while. I introduced her to my other cousin on the mother side (she's my cousing on the father side). She seemed to be shy and after that little introduction I did not have an idea that they were to become friends. Anyway, I go back to manila, go to PMA, got discharged and when back to Dumaguete. Of course, I have to meet my relatives my two cousins (from both sides) included. I started introducing myself as the cousin of so and so. The response was surprising. In the time that I was not in Dumaguete, the two seemed to have become close. The have become friends and introduced themselves as "cousins". They said that it was because it takes a while to explain that she is the cousin of the cousin of the he so just to make it simple they are cousins. Now when I come back, people wonder how I get in the picture when the two are cousins, I must be pretending.

Well, the male cousin (the one on the mother side) died a few years after that. I considered him my favorite cousin. Of course, my other cousin will not argue anymore whose my "more favorite" since the other one died. But then she is also my favorite for despite of the many things we argue about we have something that is common, we stick to family no matter what. I guess I have not told her things that I should have so maybe this is my time as a wedding present.

To Fides:

I remember the time when we will spend the whole night trying to copy drawings from books. I remember how amazed we were to discover that it was easier to use onion skin paper to trace the drawings or put oil (gas baya gyud) on the paper for us to trace it easier. I also remember the time when we argued about what to do with my life since you had to insist that PMA or UP will be bombed so I have to come up with another plan. I remember the time when we were so drunk at Burger Junction waiting for our burgers to be cooked when the bell sounded at the nearby church to signal that it was already the start of the 5 AM mass. I remember how you find it funny that I only know one dance step for the duration of the Ati-ati Festival at Ibajay. I remembered how I find it weird that you wanted to go on night swimming at Boracay. Of course, there's also the time that I have to drive you home fast in your motorcycle because we have to catch Meteor Garden. Trying to recall all of those things now I wished that life would have been that simple that it can be spent enjoying each other's company with no worries.

Of course, I have to make something out of my life and mind you I did keep my promise, I will be graduating soon. And of course, you got married... finally. Looy na kaayo kong Noel kung nadugay pa gyud. The point is, looking back at all the things that have happened, I just realized that life would not have been that good if not for the memories that we had. Now with my life having a direction, I can not imagine how I would have reached this far if not for the many reminders that I had to hear from you and I know your constant prayer that I will be well.

I guess what I am saying is that, I can not thank you enough. Grabe kahilakon man ko ano makaulaw kay firstclass baya ko unya daghan kaayong tawo diri. Hapit na break ma'am mag-inom ta..... haaha

Dili na nako ni tiwason kay drama kaayo...

Andy

The wish

When I think of ideas now, they are usually hopeful desires of things that I want to happen in the future. I find myself wishing more rather than seizing the moment.

Yesterday, I was rushing back to the barracks to finish the movie that I was watching before I had to go to formation to eat my dinner. To my dismay, I had to contend myself with it jumping from one scene to another, pausing every few seconds and having to be restarted several times. It was an inevitable situation when one watches pirated DVDs. The other week, I complained to a friend how I wanted to kill whoever made the DVD that I bought since that person deliberately deleted the most important scenes in the movie Notting Hill. My guess is that he was trying to accommodate 14 movies in one DVD 9 disc. Right now I am wishing to see the movie again, complete with all the important scenes.

But really what I am hoping for right now are good things that I am wishing will happen this weekend. It is not always that I can be so persistent about something but the thing is that the thought has never left me and to just give up will somehow make me wonder whether or not I have really done enough. I am wishing now for some miracle to happen.

I wish...

This is my last year here so I think I have the right to make wishes. The other day, I discovered a way to put a sepia effect on my digital pictures. I decided that I will be spending the Hop on sunday taking pictures of my classmates in sepia. I just thought that it was a cool way to spend the night trying to save memories of our last Formal Hop (other than the Ring Hop that is) rather than feel sorry for myself because I was not successful in bringing the one person I wanted to spend it with.

I also wish that I pass my PFT and be able to make nine pull-ups. Apparently I do not know how to do the pull-up properly and I am learning it now since I have been doing it wrong all these years. Wish me luck.

I wish to jumpstart my brain to be able to start writing the script that is inside my head for this year's 100th Night Show.

I wish to be back with the Corps Magazine.

I wish to be able to go on privilege again.

I wish to sing in church again...

Oh, I almost forgot, I also wish for World Peace especially in Basilan and Sulu.

I just wish...