Detached

Detached. That's what I call myself now.

Early in June, my phone was confiscated and for some reason I wasn't too sad about it. It somehow felt that I was gaining freedom, freedom from my world outside of PMA. As if this moment I do not know exactly what is happening outside of Fort del Pilar. I do not know who won for Senator nor do I have any idea what is happening to my family. I'm just living my life everyday, not worrying or perhaps not wanting to know what is happening beyond the grasp of my little world here.

I am not turning into a hermit. Aside from watching American Soap Operas, enjoying my dancing lesson for PE and doing my job as the Company Personnel Officer, it seems that for the first time in my more than three years stay in this Academy, I'm finally letting go of all my worries beyond cadetship and just enjoy every bit of my being a cadet. Of course, there are still things that I worry about. I sometimes think of this girl and fear that she might forget me. I wonder what is happening to my younger brother who is in the States now for some training for his Job. I wonder if my niece remembers me. I wonder so much but leave it to that and try to live life here. In 9 months time, I will never be able to return to my current state and all my worries will go back. I am thinking of just being here for some reason I feel some kind of fulfillment of being in this place enjoying every bit of the Baguio climate, with free everything, graduate and make a life.

But the thing really why I am doing this is simply because I think that I am worrying too much. The more I worry, the more I lose sight of what I really want to do. The more I worry, the more I forget that in the end the things in my life will never be up to me, it will be up to what God has intended for me. There are times at night that I have my usual feeling of loneliness, of missing people or just wanting to do the things that my friends back at home do, but with no option to do it, I retreat to the world that I created for myself and thank God that I have something like it. Sometimes we try so much to live life without actually living it and perhaps what I am doing is really to just live it. I did not plan for this nor do I have any idea how long I will be able to keep up, but being with myself now is perhaps the most recent enlightening experience I have had since I became a cadet again.

For all the people looking for me, I'm just here in Fort del Pilar doing whatever it is that I have to do to graduate. Surprisingly, although I think about a lot of things, I'm happy.

Randomness of thought

If in the previous years, I almost always felt lonely about being here in Baguio, I'm feeling different this time around. I thought this feeling will just pass, but then it stuck to me and I am beginning to think that I will be having the same emotion for long.

Last week, my phone was confiscated. I am hoping that I will get it soon but for some reason, I seem not to be that interested in having it returned to me soon. For no apparent reason (at least nothing that I am aware of), I am contented with being detached from "civilization" with the internet being the only way to find me. How weird is that?

Just before I went to Nueva Ecija last month, I started watching the series One Tree Hill. Yesterday, I finished the 15th episode of season 4 and I hate the fact that I can not find the continuation of the season. For some reason, the DVD ended in the part where Peyton meets her stalker just before she goes to her senior prom I do not know what happens next. So I started watching Numb3rs, I'm enjoying it but I still can't help but wonder what happened at One Tree Hill. Moral lesson: always buy a complete season. :)

Well life is better now, considering that I am at the very top of the cadet hierarchy already and of course, graduation is just 9 months away. I am not worried much, I am just very eager to enjoy the rest of my remaining days as a cadet.

Anyway, its not like everything is good. If things are well in most things about my life, there is still one area that makes me wonder everytime I am by myself. As I said to one friend, I am at a stage where life seems to lead to happily ever after and my problem is not about going towards it but having someone to share it with. Well it is still the same thing as before, the same girl, the same confusion. But then again, its not as if its the end of the world, I am believing that everything will come into place in God's time, I just hope it will be sooner... I hope you are reading this...

In the ARMY: you just have to do it to understand

I woke up the next day with more red marks on my legs. The mosquitoes were indeed successful in making sure that I will remember them when I go back to my room in Baguio. They will sure be that constant reminder for me not to complain again while I sleep on my five inch mattress. As I was walking out of the bunker to urinate, I hear the sentinel at the front gate shout, "Andyan na sila." He was referring to my classmates who just conducted their first Combat Patrol. Later in the afternoon, it will be my turn.

A Combat Patrol is a routine activity of any combat unit in the Army. It is usually done, to check an area for any enemy activity and of course as a way to make the presence of the Army be felt in the community they are located. Not that is militarization as most leftist organizations would put it, its simply part of the jobs that they had to perform, the same as cops going around the city. Unlike the Combat Patrol we do in PMA, there is 101% certainty that there is no enemy. We do not have live ammunition and the emphasis is more on the way the patrol is done. We are expected to show that we learned the process in conducting one. In PMA, we conduct this patrol with other cadets, who, for most of the time consider this exercise a waste of time. The Patrol I will be conducting on the other hand will be very much different. For one, I will be conducting it in an area that is hostile. I will be doing it with Enlisted Personnel (the privates, corporals and others). The good thing is that I have live bullets loaded in my gun and the fearful thing is that... its the real thing. I was told by my OIC, if you are engaged (as in fired upon by the enemy) you will have to be the officer there. It wasn't like I did not know what to do when fired upon, I practically memorized the procedures to be done. In a manner of speaking, theoretically, I know more about Military Tactics than the soldiers that I will be leading in the Patrol. But the truth is, I have never been face to face with danger. I have not experienced being fired upon by live bullets, I was simply a student of soldiery with no combat experience.

The time came, although I tried to look calm, my heart was pounding. At the back of my mind I knew that the area I will be patrolling on is less likely to have enemy forces, but still there is this chance of meeting the enemy and although low, I was afraid. The Corporal in front of me was a confident one, he kept on telling me stories of his exploits and pointed to me places that he remembered encountering the NPAs. Behind me was a five-month old private, he was simply silent. Inside my head, I was thinking of the many scenarios I learned, I was on the lookout for advantageous positions in case of any eventuality. I was very observant and became fearful of people that we meet along the way. I did not realize that we were already entering the front gate back to the Company Headquarters.

My first real Combat Patrol is finished. When I graduate next year I know I will have more of that but as my OIC would put it, the first time is always the most fearsome. The lesson I learned is not anything near to being brave. I learned that the only way to understand the reality of the things that are to come is to simply do it. My first combat patrol wasn't that exciting. All we did was walk until we were able to return to the base. But I know that when the time comes for me to look back and recount memories that I will remember, I'm sure the experience will be one. Understanding how the soldiers I was with can sleep at night doing these patrols every now and then is difficult especially when you know the danger you will be facing. But unlike the many concepts that we learn in school (even those not in the military), the best lessons in life are those that were borne out of experience. To understand the importance and value of things comes through experiencing these things first hand.

When I conducted my Combat Patrol last Field Training Exercise a few days ago, I had with me the understanding of the importance of what I was doing. Although this was a simulated scenario, this isn't just an exercise to have a good grade, this time around, this is my time to learn and be prepared for the real thing.

To be continued

In the ARMY: Getting in terms with reality

So I begin to write after a very long absence. I did not realize that I was not able to say goodbye until I was already out of the Internet world. But then, the beauty of my hiatus is that I was able to gain more insight on my life in general and so the blogging continues.

A while ago, I started to write about the events that have happened in the more than 20 days I was out. I started to recall how I hated the climate at Fort Magsaysay and wishing that I will not be assigned in that area. But then I realized there was more to what has become of me beyond the heat I endured, I could say that I am a different person now.

I never thought that I will realize it this early but while I was away, I realized I was right in choosing to join the Army. I remember last March when I started to entertain the thought of making the wrong decision at choosing the branch of service I will join. Although I knew what I was going into, I wasn't sure that I really was up for it or if my decision was guided by divine wisdom. But I did choose carrying with me that uncertainty and a glimmer of hope that in time I will understand.

The Army, at least our Philippine Army, is not that glamorous as those that we see in war movies. Ours, as one officer would put it, was "laging kulang sa resources pero laging sobra sa trabaho." It wasn't good to hear that from a veteran soldier and as I try my best to bear with the scorching heat, my doubts grew, maybe I was wrong. The experience was compounded by road runs in full battle gear still under the terrible heat of the sun, I just wanted to collapse. But then again, I was already there and I clinged to that glimmer of hope I knew was there when I made my choice about a month ago. When I came to the Infantry Battallion I was assigned to for On the Job Training, I was met with a dilapidated barracks full of mosquitoes. To top it all, I hear the encouraging words of my Officer in Charge: "Maganda na tong Barracks na to, sa ibang units mas malala pa dito." There goes a good Army encouragement.

But then again, people do not stay in the Army for the reasons that made me feel bad about my choice. Though I wonder the implication of the choice I made, at the back of my mind is this feeling of assurance knowing that my father made the Army his career. So I continued.

The bunker I occupied in the Rifle Company I went to was no different from the barracks I had in the Battallion Headquarters. The only significant difference was that the mosquitoes were bigger and fiercer. In the first night, I immersed myself with reading the documents recovered during enemy raids and for a few hours I forgot all the complains I had and became completely into the heads of the rebels I will be fighting. The documents varied from poems, songs of both mainstream and revolutionary themes, their activities and believe it or not, unsent letters to their loved ones expressing their longings. Somehow, I could feel the humanity of the people that I will fight when the time comes. More than the ideologies that they were fighting for, I felt the uneasiness realizing that like me, they too are human beings.

Later into the night, I came face to face with a rebel who has returned into the arms of the government. His stories were glaring and although he was once fighting the government, like the people I vowed to protect, he was also lied upon by the same ideology that he once fought for. I realized that the people that I fight are also the same people that I protect.

The day ended with me retiring to the comforts of the hard surface that was to become my bed. I had to cover my ears so as not to be distracted by the constant murmuring of the insects around me probably conspiring to torment me in my sleep. There goes the beginning of my life in the Army.

to be continued...

The kid that I used to know

Finding a childhood friend in Friendster kind of reminded me of the many childhood memories I had. I can not help it but laugh at the so many things that happened in childhood that I do not seem to care about so much but in fact, are happy memories. Well to the friends who were part of those memories, here is a trip down memory lane.

I do not remembering living in any other house other than the one that we have now in Lower Antipolo but I was told we transferred there when I was two years old. Considering that our subdivision was a housing project of the AFPMBAI, most of those who live there are either in the Military or in the Police. Its not really a wonder why this place is called Katarungan Village.

I still do not understand why little children just can't be told to stop playing. In our house there was a simple rule, sleep in the afternoon and you can only go out after three in the afternoon. For some reason I do not want to sleep and I will just stare outside from the window waiting for the time I can go out. Then my aunt sees me looks me over and discovers that I did not take the required afternoon nap, suddenly I am not allowed to go out and I spend the rest of the afternoon staring at the window, ogling at the kids playing outside. The next day the same thing happens and I begin to wonder what is it that my aunt is looking for to say that I have taken my nap. After sometime, I discovered it was the eyes. When she looks me over shortly before I am allowed to go out, she will look for the "sleeping signs" on my eyes. Well that was easy, after sometime I was sure that I will go out every three in the afternoon. Shortly before three, about five minutes before my aunt will begin her inspection, I would push my face to the sofa. After a few minutes, I will pretend to be groggy and as I look up to my aunt, I have the "sleeping signs."

And then there was this fascination about super powers at a time when I idolized the likes of Bioman, Maskman all those Japanese kid shows. Well, I too have my super powers (ha ha). I was with my other playmates, of course there were also five of us, all the others become sidekicks. We did what normal kids do, pretend that we were grown ups (that have super powers that is). Walk around the village as if we own it, fight with one another just to end up playing together again. I guess all kids have been through that stage.

In our little community, it was as if life was not a problem and all we cared about was to be able to play the next day with our playmates. At the time when the country was suffering from power shortage and there was brown-out everyday, we loved it. We loved it because we will be allowed to go out at night and play hide and seek. During the 1989 coup, when tanks were around our village so that the rebel soldiers can not go home to their families (as I said almost everyone in our village were either in the Police or the Military), we played just the same while our fathers are out there fighting each other. The truth is I loved it because I can brag at school that there are tanks in our village. It's funny how things can be so simple for little kids.

I wish I did not grow up, but I did and soon all of us seemed like strangers. Each of us either developed new circles of friends, moved to another place or just be contented at staying at home and watching TV. We do not fight anymore because we barely talked and every once in a while we see each other waiting for a ride going out of the village, we just nod at each other and that's it. Every now and then we get to talk about things but its as if everyone is just trying to live life and be controlled by it, I wonder how it came to that.

Yesterday, I was browsing through different Friendster accounts when I recognized a familiar pretty face. I could feel her super powers(ngeks), she was one of the "chosen" five who were gifted with the power to be like Bioman. Considering my isolation and lack of social life in this place, it was something that gave me so much joy, I was just so happy to find a childhood friend that I have not seen in almost ten years. Well, our lives are different now, she seems to be leaning into becoming a member of the millionaire's club while I'm becoming a soldier, just like our dads. I reminded her how I used to make her cry and call her all sorts of names and its good that she did not remember most of it. Other than that, for the first time in so many years, I remembered how fun it was to be a kid. Its not like I hate the fact that I have to worry about how I am going to have enough savings for my future, how I am going to live this life independently and be a productive member of society. Its more of going back to the simple joys of being able to play with friends and not caring about the power problems of the country. Or bragging about tanks and be the center of attention at a time when the country's government is in deep trouble, or simply having super powers. I realized that as we grew and our lives became more and more complicated, we have forgotten the simple joys that we enjoyed as little children. Somehow, I could say that these memories remain in our hearts for the reason that in all of the challenges we face each day, we have to take the backseat and enjoy the little joys of life.

Thanks Thea for reminding me :)

A love letter that is not to be read yet.

I was watching this movie the other day and it kept me awake until 1 in the morning. The movie was about two people who met each other by some twist of fate, experienced a very romantic chemistry between them and then decided to just leave it at that when they came back to their different places. They came from different countries and they thought that if they continued to contact each other, they will lose the magic that they had when they were together the first time around. I hated that the movie had to end that way although I think it's very possible that their fears might be true.

I am quite sure that I will not find myself in the position of the couple since I was always a risk taker. But watching the movie and understanding that the first of the couple is not remotely possible, there was this uneasiness inside my heart. The truth is, I have seen many couples who just "lost that loving feeling" through the years. I remembered someone I knew who was so in love with this person to the point that even when we were together, he can't stop talking about this girl. Fast forward to 5 years after, they got married had a son and now they hate each other guts. Looking at their situation their was the extreme side of a long pole that spells the difference of love and hate. But then I also remembered how my parents were. I remembered trying to find my own solution to their problems so that when my time comes I will not repeat their mistakes. I decided to always remember the time when I first fell in love with the person.

Today, I could say that I am in a state that somehow sings to that tune. I do not wish to put the details but I am just saying that I am, from the deepest chambers of my heart, in love. Now after watching the movie, and having the same fear as the characters of the movie had, I decided to write my feelings for this person for me to always remember it. I have no intention to have her read this yet but I just want to record it. So I am writing her a letter that is not for her to read yet. Here it is:

"I am troubled as I write this letter. I am troubled not because I do not know what to write but because I am not sure if now is the time that I should express this. I am troubled because to admit my feelings is a risk that I am not exactly sure that I am ready to take. But I guess I will never be ready and the uncertainty will always be there, what is certain and will never change will be the feelings that continues to occupy my soul.

I have always believed that things do not happen by accident. We live our lives doing what we do and God manifests himself as we go along meeting accidents that we never really understand. Meeting you was one such instant, when without the understanding of the whole situation I knew that it was God’s way of revealing himself to me. The magical moment that lead to this very conclusion was something that changed my life forever. The emotion that has filled my heart caused me to appreciate the beauty of life which just renews my spirit with each passing day.

I remember the exact moment when you were in your deep sleep early one morning. The sun barely creeping, I was tired from doing the newsletter the night before. As if nature was conspiring to create that instant, the sun’s rays were like a spotlight that pointed directly to you. In your slumber, you had an aura that evoked magnificence that revealed a beauty more than your angelic face, a beauty that revealed the very nature of God himself. My eyes started to get misty knowing that I am witnessing a miracle. I knew then that my life has changed forever because of you. This letter will come to you in due time. This is a testament of a heart that love has touched, a love that only the heart understands… a love that is divine. The future is uncertain but the future always reveals the truth. It always hopes for the better, always perseveres and always believes. I believe in the wonder of God. I believe that just as how the events unfolded, I am also believing that however things will come, the love that I offer you will manifest its sincerity, its honesty just as how all true love manifests itself. I believe all this for in the end love only endures as long as we believe in it. I love you from the bottom of my heart and everyday my heart only longs for you".

That's it...

Combat Life Saver

There are several things that I learned about myself in the past week. One: I can be a human pin cushion (as in literally); two: I know how to insert a 6 inch tube inside the nose of a person; three: if in case I do not become a soldier, I can be a nurse and then finally: I'm loving the Army.
I spent the last week going through the different skills that we will need when we become Officers of the Philippine Army. While I was bored with tracing all the streams and roads of Olongapo in a piece of plastic acetate for our Advanced Map Reading Class, there was some kind of thrill when we finally had our Combat Life Saving Instructions. Yes, combat life saving, some kind of first aid in combat situations.

The good thing about the enemies of the state is that they seldom inflict that much damage on our troops. In instances where our military units have been at a disadvantage, it has been mostly due to compromises brought about by sympathizers who give information to the enemy regarding our soldiers. In most cases, our casualties are due to improper handling of situations that need immediate medical attention, that is first aid. And so, there goes the reason for studying Combat Life Saving.

Most common cause of death is excessive bleeding which leads to loss of blood and shock, and then the improper handling of fractures. Another consideration is the safety of our men. I mean, a soldier will be more confident fighting side by side with you if he knows that you can take care of him in case he is wounded. And so I begin to tell my story at learning to be a Combat Life Saver.

As in all First Aid instructions, we had to go back to the ABC's 0f first aid-- the A being Airway or simply making sure that the airway of the patient is clear. I was told that in some cases when a soldier is hit blood blocks the air passage of his body. I was taught some ways to make sure that the airway of the patient is clear and the most exciting of it all is the procedure where a tube called nasopharyngeal is inserted inside the nostril of a person. I was a bit shocked seeing the pictures of the procedure being done not knowing that in a few moments I was to perform it to my classmate.

I started with putting on the gloves, making sure it remains sterile. Then I put lubricant to the "thing" finally beginning to hold it in place ready for insertion. Slowly, it makes its way inside my classmates nose while the rest where looking at the reaction on the face of my "patient." First obstruction and I can see my classmate flinch clearly there was some kind of irritation (or maybe pain). I pulled it back a little, some wiggling action and then it continues to slide. More flinching coupled by a few gasps from the spectators around me and finally its in -- all 6 inches of it. If inserting it was a bit hard, removing it was a breeze, its just pulling it out, no elaborate procedure and then we switch places. I was to be the patient this time. I really should have pictures of that tube inside my nose. Well, that was my first discovery.

In my youth, I once spent a whole day in a hospital bed with a dextrose plugged to me. I never imagined that a day will come that I will be the one to "plug it in." The thing with me is that I am not really that afraid with blood. I remember the time when my niece had a serious cut on her foot and it was oozing with blood. The other adults in the house were screaming at the top of their lungs while I was washing the wounded foot with soap and water, putting some improvised dressing and then sending her to the hospital for stitches.

Again, in front of me are my devices. A needle that is to be attached to a dextrose and my classmates arm. After finding a prominent vein, I took my aim and then blood starts to ooze out of my classmate's arm. I never realized how strong blood flows inside our vein. It was a good hit the first time around and then it was my turn. It was my time to be the human pin cushion.

If I wasn't that terrified with blood and piercings, my classmate was. I could see the needle shaking as he aims it at my arm. When it finally gets in, he seems hesitant to push the needle further inward. First hit, even if around 2 inches of the needle was inside my skin, there was no blood coming out. Second, my arm had a bulge near the point of insertion (which was a sign that something was wrong). Five needles and an already painful arm after it was in, much to my relief (whew!!!) I came back to my room that night wondering why I allowed my classmate to do that to me. Well, I guess that is just how it is.

I really wish that I had pictures of that experience. It may sound weird but going through it kind of allows me to see myself at a level I have not seen myself before. I did not know I had the guts to actually do those things. I now wonder why some of those in the medical profession have not mastered doing those procedures when we practically went through a crash course in performing those. I learned that the only limitation we can have is somewhere between our ears. If we just try doing it, we can be successful.

Next week, we will have the more fun stuff, we will have Close Quarter Battle. I guess that's it for now. I love you people...

As I don my third stripe

I now wear my third stripe on my shoulder. The reality has not yet fully sinked in but I am beginning to feel the weight of what that third stripe meant. A few years back, I did not contemplate on coming to this point but then again time flies and reality creeps in and we just have to accept and cherish the inevitable.

In 2005, when I had my first stripe, it was more of a feeling of being able to do what I want to do. I took it as a reprieve from the torments of the upperclassmen having another class more junior to me. It was also a time where I slowly contended with responsibility looking forward to the time when I will have my fourthclass buddy to teach what I have learned. I encountered a lot of things foremost of which was my battle against my deficiency in Calculus.

When I had my second stripe, it was more of a feeling of being surprised at the fact that I had another stripe. I was not able to think much since everything came so fast, the Leadership Development Course, the Plebe Detail, the Field Training Exercises. All of these activities required that I practice a huge amount of maturity in leading those below me. It was that stage where people are already guage the kind of leader I will become. As the year rolled on, I struggled with deficiency in Statistics and of course a very difficult battle with demerits, touring, confinement and of course, hazing. Even as I type this entry, I am still feeling the grunf of all those things as I am not able to go on break because of my touring and confinement. But then again I am still victorious because on my shoulders now are three stripes the last that I will have before the much coveted vix (that's the insignia of a lieutenant).

And so I wrap up this entry with being thankful for all the things I have experienced in the past years. This blog has been a witness to my journey as a cadet of the Philippine Military Academy. Well, there is still one year ahead and I hope this adventure will continue to lift me up and make me a better person.

I am looking forward to the coming year....

Looking back

In most of the cases that I write in this blog, I do not have the slightest idea how to begin. At first I just try to get my "flow" with the ideas, let the words appear on the screen and then I come up with something and I enjoy the process. When I read back my blog entries, I realized that those that I really like are the ones that was a result of this process. And so here it goes again.

There are about three days before the graduation of the Class of 2007. I spent half of the day standing one the field today practicing the parade for the turn-over ceremonies this sunday. As for me, I will go on as the Personnel Officer of the Company (that's the Company S1 in military terms). Having gone through so many different experiences as a cadet there are so many things that I have learned and perhaps as the academic year is moving towards its conclusion, I might as well look back and reflect on the things that have happened.

My fondest memory as a PMA cadet to date is being a squad leader to my seven plebes during summer camp. Not that the three plebes I had on the regular semester were less significant, its just that they were the first and somehow first times just stand out. It was there how I learned to appreciate how hard it is to let go of the things that they have believed in before they become cadets. It was in that experience that I learned to analyze myself more just to make sure that I really was worthy in nurturing these young dreamers. It was also with them that I learned the value of doing my best especially when people are depending on you. In the more than a month that I was with them, I have developed a sense ownership on how their lives will turn out knowing that I have been a part of their experience as plebes. I can not guage at this point whether or not I really was successful in making them better people than when they first met me, but I know that they made me a better person after our experience together and for that I will forever be thankful.

Of course, there is this daunting reality of the responsibilities that are set before me. Somehow, I could say that the whole cadet training is geared towards a time when each cadet will realize how much responsibility he will be carrying and the things that he is being prepared for. I am constantly haunted by wrong decisions that I might make that may kill my subordinates. On another end, I am also looking forward to having another person totally depend his life to the decisions that I will make. I guess, that is how the will to lead is developed and somehow, in my short and little experience as a leader inside the country's leading leadership laboratory, my idea of these things is quite good and I am happy for that.

In my personal life, things are becoming more serious. Not that I wasn't too interested in developing my personality before, its just that these days, I am believing that I have a more mature disposition on how things should be in my life. I am 24 years old and I should be thinking maturely. I guess life does come in stages and for my part, I am on that stage when I want my life to have a clear direction.

There are many things that come to me even as I try to compose my thoughts regarding the year that has passed but I guess the more important point in all of it is that I have become a better person and that I learned things that will be useful to me in the future. I think now that for all people, our direction should always be better may it be in little things or in the generaly sense of the the things that we do. I can only say these things for my life and others may not really believe in me, but the point is I am happy with what I have become through the years. I may not be the perfect person but I know I am taking advantage of living the adventure of life.

Today is 16 March 2007 and there will be more wonderful years and with this blog as my witness I can just be thankful to God Almighty for continuously guiding my life. Let's move on to my last year as cadet... Let us keep on praying.... I love you people....

Saying sorry

I am supposed to write about weddings but my feelings are just so much that I can not help but confront all of it before I go crazy again.

I am not exactly a good person. Although I try to be one, I accept that there are instances (a lot really) that I can be so bad that people has all the right to hate me. But really I try my best to really be good based on my idea on how it is to be a good person.

Just after I took my lunch, I had to explain delinquency reports. Most of it were offenses that were done out of neglect like marking my absence card and the like but one stood out. It was a report from my instructors. To be honest I did not feel bad about the report, its just that I am getting the impression that this instructor is somehow "griping" to me. I may be wrong but the aura that the event is sending is that I offended her and I am convinced something had to be done.

A few months ago, we had this lecture in one of the lecture halls. This lecture hall was the more beautiful one and the seats were so comfortable that it was very conducive to sleeping. You see, I am the type of student who ALWAYS listen in class. I have always reasoned that as long as I am listening in class I can always have something for the exams even if I do not study my lessons when not in class. And so, on that day, even if the seat was more of a sleeping couch I try my best to wake up. Its not that I was entirely successful at trying not to sleep its just that I was listening to the lecture and that I understood it very well that I can bet my life that I can give the lecture to my classmates if I was asked to. For one reason or another I was reported for dozing in class and upon explaining the offense, I confidently said that I can give the lecture again just to prove that I was listening. That was a wrong move, later during the day, I realized that the explanation I had might trigger the notion that I am too arrogant to accept that I was indeed "sleepy". Sadder is the thought that the notion I created might have offended my dear instructor.

I have to say that I consider my instructors in very high esteem. I have had encounters with a lot of my instructors here who actually gave up better jobs just to teach the cadets. Their reason is not because the Academy pays them good salary its because for them by teaching the future leaders of the country (that’s us… ehem!!!) they are helping this country become a better place. I think in this blog I have recounted countless lessons that have struck me not because the lesson was so interesting but because the teacher that taught it exuded so much passion and dedication to the job that he or she was doing. I become very sentimental when these instructors talk about character, about helping the nation and all those things, somehow they give me an idea of dedication that is worth emulating. Also, Academy instructors have an affinity to me personally since my mother was once and instructor in this Academy, in fact some of them still know her. And so comes the irony of giving this bad impression to one of my beloved teachers.

Having realized that, I have decided to do something for that instructor just to explain change her perception of me. I am not exactly confident that I can pull it off but I have all the intention to really say sorry to her just to change her perception not just about me but more so about the cadets of the Philippine Military Academy in general. As I said I am not exactly a good person, but I try to be one and I accept if I am wrong.

I will just have to do it in the next few days… I am already nervous just thinking about it but I guess it has to be done… Well wish me luck…

Redemption in the Anvil and another article

I have a reason to celebrate. Standing in the rear this morning during the early morning flag raising ceremony, it was announced to the whole PMA community that the Corps magazine was awarded the Anvil Award for best Public Relation Tool as a School magazine (I do not exactly know the official award but this is what I was told). Although I am done with the Corps Magazine now, I have been a part of all the issues that came out in the last 3 years or so and have always aspired to come up with good articles, took the extra effort to really find some good story and really did my best. And so, in my silence standing so far away from where everybody's attention was directed, I could just be glad that somehow I was part of something good for the Academy.

I am actually contemplating on redemption. Its not that I want to take credit for the award but in state, after what I have been through, somehow, I am looking for something that will redeem myself from the allegations thrown at me as a result of the article I was supposed to write. Just imagine how hard it was for me to forego any break until August of this year just because someone was offended when I asked about people's opinion on something that I was writing on. Of course that also include some harsh words, certain deprivation of the things that I like to do (writing that is) and definitely the fear that it has caused me when it dawned on me that I just might lose my cadetship. You could just imagine how redeeming it was when something that you did is recognized. Not to mention the fact that it was my words that carried the Corps Magazine to that Award (I wrote the write-up that came with the 6 issues included in the package that was the basis for the award). I may seem desperate or just craving for recognition, but when my very credibility is questioned and my innocence is doubted its the things that I have done that will somehow redeem me just as how it is with this Anvil Award. I really pray for some redemption what has happened has happened I just want my credibility back.

Well just for your consumption, I am publishing another one of my great pieces (ehem!!!):

THE ROLE OF THE CADETS IN PMA’S PURSUIT OF EXCELLENCE

This one was written when the PMA Command announced an essay writing contest for the 2004 Foundation Day celebrations. I won the cadet category of that contest and was publicly awarded by no less than then the Superintendent and the Commandant of Cadets. The topic is somewhat serious as this deals with PMA's pursuit for excellence but nevertheless I still think this is a good one.... Enjoy.

“I am a member of the Cadet Corps. I live on taxes of my countrymen; I do everything to prepare myself in protecting the Filipino people and when the time comes, I am expected to put my life on the line for the good of my country.”

You may call that a creed of some sort, a line that maybe frightening as it calls for a sacrifice of life, but then that is what is expected of me and to all the other members of the prestigious Cadet Corps Armed forces of the Philippines. Here in this institution, we are thought to be noble men that will be ready to face anything in defense of the motherland. And so this brings me to the role of the Philippine Military Academy in producing men of noble character, men of great patriotism and of course side by side with this goal is the Academy’s pursuit of excellence. Whatever level of excellence the Academy can offer, that will be the same level of excellence that the graduates will exemplify the moment they are given that elusive rank on their shoulders. In PMA, young men and women with dreams are gathered. They are given a full government scholarship and then in four years time, the country watches as they are molded into the finest men and women of character, of courage integrity and loyalty and, of course, of excellence.

The Philippine Military Academy has been undergoing so many changes. It is also undeniable that so much has been said on these programs. Some say, that it is a desperate attempt to please the people who have been criticizing the way PMA cadets are trained. Still others say that it is because of pressures from various sectors that are angry with the military, the academy included. This is the dilemma, the pursuit for excellence in a changing PMA amidst the various opinions of different sectors, all this in the hope that the graduates will be men that will exemplify the highest order of character and love for country. That, in itself, can be a frightening dilemma, a seemingly impossible goal or maybe an expectation too great to achieve.

This generation of cadets are in a period of confusion. There are those who were already cadets before the changes were implemented such that they have been raised in a different culture that the command is now trying to change. And, of course, the new breeds, those that are totally unaware of how it was before and are the focus of attention of everybody, those that are believed to break the status quo, the hope of the Academy. This is a very interesting characteristic as it provides a distinction on the different points of view of cadets regarding the pursuit of excellence. And so we go to another question, how do we pursue excellence in an environment where everybody does agree on what to pursue? These generations of cadets are the key in pursuing excellence in the academy. In my point of view, pursuing excellence at this point of time is getting rid of the culture of malpractices that have developed through the years. Sad to say, malpractices in the Cadet Corps has become a culture that has evolved through the years, unchecked and becoming more and more grave each generation. Unknowingly, cadets have adopted this practices and accepting it as simply natural and thus the cycle goes on and on creating a status quo that is now deeply rooted within the ranks of the Cadet Corps. When I was a plebe I hated being hazed, being “shabbied” and being subjected to so many things that I can not understand. As a result, I promised myself that I will never do anything that I hated to any of my future underclassmen. Later on, I realized that my attitude has changed towards things. I always reasoned that it is never the fault of any cadet to be exposed to the malpractices that he or she was subjected to or is doing to his or her underclass. I was just convinced that every malpractice that I hated is enough reason for me to go on with my training bearing in mind that in the long run, it will be my turn to be an upperclassmen and when that time comes it will also be my turn to practice what I think is the antidote to those malpractices that I hated. The pursuit of excellence in this changing PMA environment, I believe, is not about programs being implemented by the Command, it is about how to change the existing culture of cadets. The cadets may adapt to the programs being implemented and eventually they will figure out ways on how to tamper with these programs for their advantage, but the way I see it the cadet culture should deviate from this present culture. The new culture should be a culture where a cadet refuses to subject his or her subordinates to the corruption that he has been exposed to. A culture where “snappity” is not based on comparison as to how the previous classes went through cadetship, more particularly plebehood, but based on the how each cadet is trying his best to live up to the ideals of the academy and the expectations of the Filipino people. As a line in Desiderata say:”Do not compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter.” Yes, some cadets are bitter, not for some valid reason but because they chose to be bitter. They’d rather see their underclassmen undergo the same corruption that they were subjected to rather than work towards the elimination of these practices. They are so bitter that they fail to see beyond the malpractice and realize that something must be done to stop this. They are bitter because they do not realize that it is only through their acts of change, being part of the prevailing culture, will this situation be stopped. Little acts, yes, little acts.

This is the sad reality of the present generation of cadets. I do not wish to put the Corps in bad light, but then this is reality and as men of courage, it is an act of courage accept this and make the necessary corrections. The pursuit of excellence of this noble institution is anchored in the kind of attitude that the cadets will exercise in response to the changes being implemented by the administration. It is true that some of the changes that were implemented are drastic yet, it is also the role of any soldier to accept these changes even if they do not necessarily agree with it. Any responsible soldier will accept that no one is fit to command unless he or she has learned to obey. It is in this context that I base my opinion that the cadets play the major role in PMA’s pursuit for excellence. They work hand in hand with the command in doing what is necessary to eliminate the Academy of the prevailing bad culture and at the same time it is also because of them that this bad culture should be eradicated.

All in all, above everything, it is the role of the cadets that should be the top priority in the Academy’s pursuit to excellence. It is only through the effort of each and every member of the cadet corps that PMA will be successful in truly being excellent. As each cadet realizes that the status quo should be broken, each cadet should make the initiative to do what he or she think is right and start planting the seeds for excellence. It is only when one starts doing something that something actually happens. One little effort may not show much effect immediately but sooner or later it will show something. Our stay as cadets here may not be long enough to see the effects of these little efforts but then we do not have a choice, its either we move forward or remain stagnant and prepare for doom. At the end of the day all we can really do is to live up to the highest level of excellence in every aspect of cadetship.

“I am a member of the Cadet Corps. I live on taxes of my countrymen; I do everything to prepare myself in protecting the Filipino people and when the time comes, I am expected to put my life on the line for the good of my country.”

And if I may add:

“Because I am a member of the Corps and because the country is relying on what I can do in making sure that they enjoy all the benefits of our democracy, I should also pursue the highest level of excellence in everything that I do, identifying what should be retained in the current system and taking part in being a catalyst to what lies ahead in the bright future of my beloved Alma Mater and my country in general”

“…Give us that honest purpose in life which seeks fair deal with everyone and shuns all forms of hypocrisy that will enkindle our fighting faith and smother all seeds of cowardice and fear in our hearts; the loyalty to our principles that places all issues above personal considerations and shuns compromise with vice and injustice…”

-- The Cadet’s Prayer --

Blog on a busy life

It has been a while since I was last able to really blog. My last entry was a short storyu that I wrote almost two years ago having decided to post some perviously written articles every now and then. But really, there are just times that I just want to write something in this blog. I just wasn to spit things out and clear up my mind. For some reason this is some kind of a theraphy.

The week has been so busy that I was not able to do some of the thigns that I promised to do. Coming from the hectic alumni homecoming, I thought life would be better not knowing that more is still to come. There is just so many deadlines to meet, projects to do and so many requirements to finish. I have never been this busy in school before and suprisingly I was able to manage. There is still one more multimedia presentation that I need to finish by wednesday, after that its finals week, Graduation week and then finally I am growing another stripe... Imagine I'll finally be in my firstclass year, my last year as cadet. Its surreal but I guess time just flies so fast and the responsibility is little by little dawning in my system. I am beginning to be worried whether or not I will be able to do a good job. We will just have to see.

I am not so sure if I will share this in my blog but somehow I think this will come out in my system so I would rather just put it out. My family is in the rocks again over some stupid thing that one of the people in it did. I will not put any details but this is some trial that people are getting worried about. Not that I am not concerned its just that to a certain point this is familiar territory so I am able to handle it better than the others. I do not know how it really is in the household since I am here but with the stories I am hearing, I am thinking that everyone is in some rough ride. I can just hope and pray that they will be able to go through it thriumpahntly.

I hate to admit it but with the many things that happened, I was not able to write my letter. this is the second week and I am beginning to worry how this thing is being interpreted by the girl who should be receiving this letters. There is just too much to do and I am really looking forward to being able to recover and do something really great for her. I do not know what it is but it is something. The thing is despite the many different developments in my life, she is becoming more and more important. Its something that I do not really understand but there is just this feeling of relief when my thoughts begins to dwell on her. This maybe some crazy thing, I really do not know but with everything that is happening, this is indeed a good spice that keeps my life more bearable despite everything. About a few days ago I reread this letter that I wrote last year for her that I did not send. The letter was so much full of emotions that I never thought I had in me. Somehow it describes all the emotions I am trying to hide because of the obvious gap that we have due to the distance and really not knowing each other. I guess what I am saying is that the adventure continues and just like what I always say in the many things that happen in my life, the wonders will reveal itself in due time... the key is patience.

I am stopping now, I will have to go back to the many things I have to do... I love you people....

Tidbits

I'm trying my best to think of something that would make sense but finally giving up to just writing the bits and pieces that remained in my head trying to make the most out of the little time I have to blog. Here it is:

• PMA won the recently concluded 1st Tri-Academy Athletic Meet which was played with the Philippine National Police Academy and Maritime Academy of Asia and the Pacific. I will definitely shape up so that I can compete back in swimming and join the meet next year which will be hosted by MAAP in Bataan.
• I still do not have a drag for the hop this saturday. By drag I mean a partner and hop is a dance. I wonder why I feel so worried about this when it really doesn't matter if I have a partner or not... It's weird really.
• I have a very MAJOR exam tomorrow... wala lang just saying it
• So many new ideas are coming up about the article I will publish here soon, I am just waiting to have time to put in this new ideas and improve the article.
• I was jumping from one friendster account to another just moments ago and I kind of realized how fun it is outside and be Free. Its not that this yearning of mine is new I just have to say it.
• Last Friday, I receieved a package from my Father all the way from Davao about an information I need for a project. I was kind of dismayed because I thought he would have added some treat for me in that package. Lo and behold I was sent the only thing that I asked... Hindi man nya lang naisip na sana padalhan ng something ang kanyang kawawang anak sa Baguio
• Its was warmer last night and I hope it keeps up, the temperature kind of affects my mood lately.

That is all I can think of right now... till next blogging adventure. I love you people

So this is how it is during winter

Yesterday, I heard from the news that Baguio registered ten degrees which was a torture to most of us. We had to close all of our windows and cover ourselves with blankte just to get through the night. I, for one, expected this because January and February are usually the coldest months here but its just colder this year. Then later, there was a weather news from CNN, surprisingly, New York registered sixteen degrees which means Baguio is colder. I then said to my room mates "Ganito pala pag winter sa ibang bansa" then going near the iron which we used as a makeshift heater.

Well the cold weather can bring about so many thing. For one, no matter how "unsleepy" you are you just can't help but fall asleep because of the weather. I was listening intently earlier in my Statistics class, already feeling bored because the lesson was something I already knew. Instead, I started to solve my assignment so that I will not have to do it in the barracks. I wrote the formula, punched some numbers in my calculator, write the result and then do it all over again. I became so preoccupied with what I was doing when suddenly, I heard my whole class saying out my name. Finally, my seatmate touched my back and then I was awakened. My paper had no writings in it and my calculator was turned off... well blame it to the weather.

Aside from that, waking up becomes harder. Imagine when you have become so comfortable inside your blanket where it is warm and comfy and you can feel the coldness creeping from beyond your covered body. When my room mates begin to start making their noise at 5:30 in the morning, its as if I would want to just totally disappear and be let alone to sleep. Of course, I can't because after sometime I really had to wake up and change into my uniform. Surprisingly taking a bath is different. I do not know if it is scientifically possible but it just seems that the water in the sink is warmer than the climate. My theory is that because of the very cold environment the water was not able to catch up. Although the water is still called, your body becomes warmer afterwards only that you start to chill again as soon as the cold air blows to your body.

But all in all the weather did not stop me from doing what had to be done. The day goes on with its normal routine and I can just hope that this weather will be warmer in the coming days. So this is how it is during winter, I am kind of wishing that snow will start falling tomorrow just for the sake of experience. Anyway, so this is how cold it is in Baguio, in case you people would want to take a vacation here do bring your thickest jackets....

The end of my writing career

Yesterday, when I went back to the barracks I was called to go to an officer. I was being asked to write something for them. Going back a few hours after and lying on my bed, I can not understand why I am being asked to do something that has caused me to be in trouble. Again, I promise not to give out details but let us just say that I got into trouble over something that I wanted to write. I thought I would be dismissed and I came into something that allowed me to confront my greatest fears. But let me start from the beginning.

I remember how I envy a classmate in high school who writes so well. She had such talents in words that I often find myself carried away by the emotions in her writing. For my part, the writing that I did most of the time then were letters to the editor, complains over school policies and others that almost always are critical to an existing system or entity. Being in the student council then, I find it so easy to rebut issues that my organization is being placed especially when my emotions are running wild in rage over the writers. I hated the writers then.

Then I discovered blogging. Its not like it came out of the blue, the joy of being able to express myself has somehow led me to a feeling of contentment that I have never experienced in my life. At first I only wrote comments about the things that I have seen, later on it became my experiences and in time I was practically writing everything that came into my mind. Through the years I have developed a sense of confidence on the ideas that I write that I no longer care if people like what I write or not, I was just doing it for the pure love of it.

Writing in PMA was another thing. I just finished reading one fantastic book that I decided to write about it (out of boredom that is). When it was done, I did not know what to do with it so I submitted it to the magazine. I had no intention of doing it regularly but soon they were asking me other reviews about books that I've read. I became bolder and bolder in my writing that soon, I was writing everything that came to mind that might suit the taste of the readers of the Corps Magazine. Of course there were also times that I did it for some gain. I once joined a writing contest here in the Academy and won some money which gave me the idea that I can actually get money from it. But generally, through the years I have learned to love writing not just for pure expression but for cleansing of the soul. I do not expect people to understand what I mean but let me just say that it is something that I really want and enjoy doing.

And then my tragedy. Its not like I was thinking of some corrupt idea for something or for someone, I was just doing what I thought was appropriate. Apparently it wasn't that appropriate to some people and everything came down crashing into me. I guess the things that we love the most does not necessarily mean that we are always being rewarded, sometimes the things that we love the most are those that will be used to question the kind of person we are. And I say that they were entirely wrong.

My writing now is confined to this blog and of course to some tasks that they think I can help them with. The irony of it is that despite of them acknowledging that writing is something that I am good at (this is the deduction considering that they are asking me to write their reports, some articles and others) they refuse to allow me to practice the kind of person that I have become because of the talent that I have been endowed. I first thought that the end of my writing career will be something that I will dread. But now, looking at the ideas that I jotted down in preparation for articles that I wanted to write, its not really that bad. I learned that in the end I do not have anything to prove to them and they will never kill my talent no matter what happens. Maybe I am trying to console myself but the truth of the matter is although there is something that they took away from me, my writing career will never end. My ideas will endure as long as people will keep on reading it.

I am not yet so sure if I will do it but I am planning to publish the article that ended my stint at the Corps Magazine in this blog. I'm hoping they (I mean those who stopped me from writing it) will read it. I am hoping that they will restrain me again and this time they will hit me harder, maybe dismissing me. Its not like I was writing something that is prejudicial to the AFP, or was calling for a mass action, I was simply making a good article about a topic that is not even controversial. I know I will be fearful but after going through what I went through, I think I will be able to handle it. If I will be judged because of what I write then be it, at least I am applying something that they taught me.

So I have finally accepted that my stint at the Corps Magazine has ended. I will never write again in that magazine unless they are the ones who will ask me to come back, oh I would love it if it was the person who signed my death warrant (its as if he cared for that magazine). So its the end of something and the beginning of another. May God Bless me.

The Revelation

After a meeting with my Tactical Officer, I received the best news as far as this year is concerned, I just might get through all my problems in one piece.

I promised not to give out details about that problem in this blog and I will abide with that. In the past days, I have encountered a lot of emotions that contend me as I try to deal with my situation. I just had to talk to people and the more I talk about it, the more I understand the situation in relation to how I have become as a person. Yesterday, I was talking to Grace saying that the things that happened in my life have prepared me to face this challenge now. It seemed that although I felt bad with how things happened, I have somehow stored enough faith on things that I am able to go through this whole experience although trembling in fear but with a renewed hope each day. I was not asking for a miracle, I was asking for a revelation on who I am as a person and that is what I got.

You see, I learned that in everything that happens to a life of a person, there is just something that will allow us to exceed our own person and come out a better one. I learned now that my principles stands, although sometimes attacked viciously, as my constant reminder of who I am as a person. It defines me and how I defend it will definitely become a turning point in my life. I do not know how things are in this world. At one point we think that everything is just against us but then again in the end what will matter is the kind of person we are at that point in time and how far are we willing to go to allow God to reveal to us His purpose. In the end we become better people... it really is just a matter of faith.

Well, I am running out of time, I hope to write again about the subject in the future. The bottom line is, God is always Good.... I love you people

The first blessing

I am afraid. Last night, I had to ask some underclassmen to be with me in the room as my three room mates went on their Environmental Science Field Trip. I do not trust myself when alone, I can not stop thinking about the crisis that is happening in my life right now. I can not get it off my head and very often I end up crying to myself and be very very afraid. In truth, I am afraid that I just might get dismissed.

As I said before, I do not want to go into the details of my problem, that might put me into more trouble but I just have to write my thoughts and the realizations that I had out of my problems. Last night, I told my father how afraid I was. I told him how I cried myself to sleep, I told him all of my fears. You see, my father has not been that good of a listener to problems, but at that instant I could feel how concerned he was. Suddenly I told him that I am just so happy to go through this knowing that he is with me all the way. I guess instead of dealing with all my fears and the sadness I have, there are still good things that come with this problem of mine and last night I realized that it was God's way of reminding me of my father. I realized how different it has been before with my relationship with my father and God is showing me how important it is. This thing is far from over but as early as now, the blessings are already revealing itself. Although still fearful, I am thanking God that He is able to show me these things amidst my problem and I am still hopeful that He will show me more. Thank you God and be with me as I go through this.

I will count all of the blessings I will find in my problems and will thank God in everything... God, I'm yours....

A New Year thought

Tonight, I will be going back to Baguio ending my Christmas Break. By Wednesdsay, I will be back in my cadet uniforms and life will go back to normal again waiting for the next break come graduation week. Life does fly so fast and in my state of nostalgia right now, all I can do is to be reminiscent of the things and somehow try to assess what has happened to me as a person in the past year or years if possible.

My vacation this Christmas was filled with meeting people and talking about topics that I like to talk about the most. For most of these people that I had so much fun chatting with, they were those who got curious about my personality thinking that mine is a contradiction to the expected behaviour of a typical cadet. That could be a good thing because it allowed me to enjoy free dinner and free coffee, on top of that I get to have a glimpse of the differences in people's personality. I am able to learn more about people and help me improve in understanding them. I discovered that people can teach us so many things it is just a matter of being sensitive and observant. I also learned that to be really honest will entail some kind of risk on being liked but in the end those that will remain your friends are definitely the ones who has accepted you for who you really are.

My life also has took a sudden turn in the love arena. The other day, while travelling from Novaliches going to Makati, Daddy asked me about this topic. Not that he was preying on my affairs, it was a natural question since unlike most of my other siblings, I have not been introducing to them or telling them about the romantic interests of my life. I can just laugh at my father, but I know that he was concerned, not that it was something to be concerned about, he was really just feeling that he's getting old and would love to see us well taken cared of. And so in most of the time that I was by myself or while I hate the fact that Clark Kent can not trust Lana Lang that she will accept him (I did a marathon of the Smallville Series), thoughts of my status in that area wallows inside my head while I try my best not to entertain the thought much. Well, something is happening and I completely have no idea how its going to be. I guess to really give it entails that I have to feel the sense of uncertainty and every time I have time for myself that uncertainty lingers in my head.

You see, its really not that easy to be so ideal about this love thing. Some people have said that I can be so good at rationalizing the whole romance thing but I have to admit that its far from practicing it. I always claim that when I start to feel something, my reason is clouded and just like all human beings I go on auto mode. About a few days after I went back from Lipa, a thought haunted me. I came home sometime before midnight and was not able to sleep until early in the morning. The thought was about really loving unconditionally. For some reason, I kind of felt that to love is to love unconditionally and that to be reciprocated for it is a Grace from God. I felt that if I was to become very cautious, I do not allow God to work on this area of my life. And so I decided to say my feelings all out. It wasn't some fancy plan, I just want to tell her how it really is. Now, I wonder how its going to be. Although I pray to God that what I want will happen, I still accept that it will never be in my terms. Maybe in time I'll be more comfortable with that reality.

And so a new year begins. I am beginning to feel the change in me through the years. Life is becoming more and more daunting as it reveal its more serious aspect each day. The childish things that I use to dwell so much before is leaving me and I could see how the change is making me a totally different person. But then again, I am confident that life will be according to a plan that has a deep sense of purpose to make me a better person. I am embracing the future, remembering the past, guided by its lessons and looking forward to the unknown that lies ahead. The adventure is getting better and better.... Happy New year everyone!!!

A Christmas thought

Last night, while waiting for Christmas Day, I was composing a text message for someone. It wasn't the ordinary Christmas greeting that we forward to all the people we know. I was making something unique that I willl only send to someone special. I do not remember the exact words but it was about how the Holiday Season's can allow us to think about the many things in our life and realize how wonderful it has been. More than than, the season allows us to identify why our life is wonderful.

That was how I felt last night, while I was watching Smallville waiting for midnight. Our Noche Buena is not that grand, we had spaghetti, liempo and then Buko Salad. That was how it has always been. There was never really a time that I remembered that we prepared that much for our Christmas feast. In the previous years, there were serious problems, but then we have come to this point. In some way, I could say that we are better than others... we had spaghetti and liempo and our salad was not some ordinary salad, there was Ice cream mixed to it. I remember the time when all we had then was a bucket of KFC, it was fun.

I really do not know how to describe it but there is some thought that might just make my point. A cousin spent Christmas with us last night. I have not seen her for very long and we had so much things to tell each other. While walking around our village she noticed how the houses around us are so much different. Even I was surprised because it seemed that it was only our house that never went through renovation through the years. My younger brother had a witty reply:

"Kami kasi walang magulang. Kung may magulang kami ngayon wala ng pinag-aaral mga magulang namin kaya ang gagawin na lang nila magpaganda ng bahay. Yung mga kapitbahay namin mga magulang yan na walang magawa sa pera nila kaya pinaganda nila ang bahay nila"

It dawned to me that although our life has not been that good compared to our neighbors. Eventhough our house is already starting to show signs of old age, inside it live three young men who are somewhat survivors in their own right, overcoming all odds and still surviving despite of all the troubles in life. I could say that we are better off that others, we have survived through the years completely on our own and by the grace of God we are good people.

I guess Christmas is not really about all the lavish preparations and big gifts, I think its a time to be thankful that life is still moving forward and that God is still in control in our lives. I have come to realize that the wonderful thing in my life is the fact that it still endures everything that comes with and still continues to look forward to the unknown future full of hope and determination to overcome every test that it has to offer.

The GK experience

Today is a day after I went to the Gawad Kalinga site in Benguet. It wasn't something that I was expecting, I was just going with the flow and decided to join the fun at the last minute. Much has been written about the Gawad Kalinga project and writing about it now will simply repeat the many praises. The project has been awarded the prestigious Ramon Magsaysay Award this year so people is familiar with this. I will just dwell with the things that happened... I will call it my GK experience.

Having written a feature story about Project ISLAM, I understand now what people can do to really help people if only they wanted to. But writing about a certain endeavor and actually taking part in one are definitely two different things. I realized that now and somehow I am able to better appreciate what it has to take to really make a difference.

We started with the usual orientation and then we started working. Our first task was to transfer about 500 pieces of hollow blocks somewhere 200 meters away. With more than 30 of us, we formed a long line and passed along the blocks. It was a perfect illustration of how tasks could be done easier if only more and more people were willing to help out. In around 45 minutes we were able to haul all of the 500 blocks. After that, we then started leveling an area inside an unfinished house. My hands started to hurt as I tried to dig the accumulated mix of soil and stone and put it inside the sacks provided. I remembered one underclass saying, "Ang hirap palang gumawa ng bahay." I thought the remark was funny at first but thinkig about it, I realized how easier we made it to those who were to benefit from the house we were building. The others cleared areas, hauled metal bars, moved piles of sand and so many other things. It was some kind of a busy market place that looked as if everyone knew what they were doing. Although some eventually had to take some rest, chat with others and even doze a little bit, there was some kind of aura in the air that just felt wonderful.

I did not know if the other more than 200 cadets with me felt the same way but I felt a sense of purpose working there. It was true that I liked it better than performing drills but there was just something about it. I said to myself that if this was done in PMA, I am sure the cadets would feel bad and consider what they were doing a waste of time. I guess no matter how hard something is a sense of purpose, a noble purpose at that, spells out the difference. We will never be able to really know what happens to the things that we did. We may not be able to go back and see the houses and its future occupants. I guess the fulfillment in what we did comes from inside. It comes from the thought of being able to do something no matter how little and realizing how special it is to others. As cadets, we often take for granted the things that we are to do once we graduate such that we do not take things seriously. Life in the Academy has become monotonous that we no longer dwell on its noble purpose but just hope that we will get through it. The experience I got was a wake up call. It rejuvenated a sense of purpose that has been dormant because of the pressures that I have been applied to and has tried to avoid. I wonder how much pressure the homeless people are subjected to everyday and yet they just have to face it head on because they can not avoid it. Again I go back to doing something not because we do not have a choice but because we know it is something that we have to do.

I was reading earlier Hannah's Blog and it pretty much sums up everything... let me just copy my comment to her entry:

"...I felt really really bad when I was not included in the final list for AYLC. For one, you, ralph and all the others filled me with so much imagination of what it was going to be like. I hated how come so-and-so was able to go and I am so much better than this person. Even if you tried to comfort me when I told you the news it wasn't until sometime that I got it. The thing is we will not be able to get everything we want in this world. We will not be able to save this world. We may have the best of ideas and wonder why the stupid ones are up there. But then that is not the point. The point is we are endowed with talents and gifts. What sets us apart from others is the sense of compassion and the willingness to do something with what we have. The key there is to act using those gifts. Alam ko I am a good writer and I promised myself to write only articles that matter. I do not write for some popular magazine, in fact most of my ideas are in my blog but at least I'm doing something. It does not have to be something great, you only need to do SOMETHING... Rather than just ranting, do something, fullfilment comes not from the number we of people we have helped but from the peace of mind knowing that we made everything that God has given us count. Hindi tayo ang nagliligtas ng mundo God does so we allow Him to use us even in the littlest things"

I am hoping to go back to that site. I do not know what it is with what we did there, but there is something and I would certainly want to find out.