Just another blog

I have been busy and finally the Internet is back in the Academy. Well here's my piece.

I wish to continue on writing about being a soldier first and writer only second. As I was thinking more of that topic, so many new ideas are coming and I am learning more reasons on why I should share these thoughts?

How many people can actually say they are doing something that they believe God has intended for them. I may not be able to fully explain how I have come to that conclusion but as I always say, God speaks to us as we experience our faith and I am lucky that in this area of my life I am sure of it.

Well, this is not to claim that I have some gift of diving prophecy of some sort but this is just to support my reason for choosing things. As with giving up writing for the magazine altogether, I have realized that it is following a path that has been drawn out for me to follow. Not that I will forget the joy I experienced in being able to write my pieces for the magazine, but I will submit to whatever it is that God has planned for me. I know it is not always easy because even as I write this now, I wish that I was doing what I enjoyed doing. But in my experience as a person, I have learned that the things we do in our life is a reflection of the kind of person that we are. And for me, I choose to be a person that submitted myself to the divine being. It may not something that people will consider as wise but it is the desire of my heart to follow a whisper I heard in my journey for this life.

I want to share about something that really got to me a few days back. You see, I am the kind of person who totally hates it when people force me to do something. I hate it more when they insist on it and then connect it to some problem I have either with attitude or just being plain stubborn. I believe that I have become more tolerant to people like this through the years but I can not stand it when the way I see things is not respected and worse, being offended because of that is considered a laughing matter. I am sorry if there are things about me that people do not understand, I personally think that I do not need to explain myself to everybody. I am sorry that I can not always give in to people for the reason that there are certain things about me that make me the kind of person that I am. But I also say that I am entitled to be myself. A choice to do something should be respected especially if it is more of a preference rather than a question of morality or ethics. I hate it the most when people take lightly the things that are important to me much more laugh at it. I believe it is more insulting to do something against your will just because you do not want to be impolite, if that is the definition of politeness then I'd rather be impolite. I just want to say that, as I said it got to me and I hate it.

Well I have to go now, there is not much sense on me at this point till then....

Soldier first and writer only second

I was with very good company last night enjoying my time out of the Academy for some well deserved break. I am now in Manila typing this entry and I just had to share some insights I had last night.

The friends that I was with last night where people I met during the press conference in 2006. We have become friends since then and so I find time when I am able to go out to meet up with them. These people are writers for their own school paper and like me we share the same passion for being able to express our ideas into words. We got into the discussion why I wasn't supposed to be going on break and I shared to them a thought that I haven't really discussed with anybody before.

At the height of my frustration over the trouble that I got myself into because of writing, I found comfort on the promise that I will come out of that experience a better person. If one would just browse through my entries in the early parts of January 2007. It was more of a combination of uncertainty and renewed hope despite my fear of the so many things that were happening. Althought I kept on crying to myself I also knew that it was part of the process that I had to go through. I started to think about the whole thing as a learning experience and took the effort to really appreciate everything that was happening to me. I thanked everything good that was coming out of it but all of it where part of a defense mechanism so that I will not go down into serious frustration. Once and for all, I bid my "writing career" goodbye with bitterness in my heart. But in the past weeks after that I have come to accept what has happened and has in fact understood what the whole thing taught me and I can just be thankful... I am sharing it now.

You see, I was in a situation where I was able to discover something that I really like to do. The reason that this blog exists is because I have found comfort in being able to express myself in words. Somehow, writing is a way to keep my soul alive. That is basically the reason why I enjoyed my being a writer in the Philippine Military Academy. I took it upon myself to learn the craft and be really good at it. Those efforts where not in vain since, modesty aside, I could say I was recognized to be a good writer by most of the people around me. Later did I know that my next lesson will attack that very part of me.

When you have come to a point where people recognize you to be good at something, you come to enjoy the attention that you would want to have more of it. In due time, I did not only aspire to write good articles, but I also wanted to beat everyone in the writing scheme. Although it was a good thing because I was constantly trying to improve myself, I was not able to check my heart in dealing with it. I became so attached to being a writer that I forgot some of the things that I should be focusing on. Not being named the editor in chief became the first major setback upon which I tried to seek redemption by proving to everyone again that they where wrong. I was not aware at the time that it was supposed to be a wake up call for me to reevealuate my priorities and redirect my purpose of being a cadet in the first place.

When I was reprimanded very badly while researching for an article that I was supposed to write, I fought it and argued that my credibility as a writer should have been given consideration. In my soul searching in trying to understand why these things happened I realized that I was being called to make a choice. It was a choice of being the best writer or being the best soldier -- meaning being a good follower to my commander. Yes, I can be a very good writer but the fact remains that the reason why I am at the Philippine Military Academy is because I am to become good SOLDIER. It is not a question fo whether or not I really did something wrong. At the point where I was to make a decision, will I be a writer or a soldier?

I came to the understanding that in the years that I have been given recognition as a writer, it raised my ego to a level that I forgot that I was to become a soldier -- not a writer. It was a question of following my superior and not of being a good writer. I realized that my being able to write in the magazine for three years and gained recognition while at it was enough bonus considering that everything in my existence as a cadet was directed towards being a soldier. It was a case of losing focus and having a painful wake up call. I have learned to let go of my angst on whether or not I was indeed a good writer but have decided to be a good soldier.

I still can not fathom how all of these realizations came into place but I am very confident that I am in the right place. It is true that I love writing, it is true that it sets my soul free but all of these things are just bonuses that were given to me out of the goodness of God, what remains true is that I should be a soldier first and a writer only second.

Thank you Lord for everything....

Looking back

In most of the cases that I write in this blog, I do not have the slightest idea how to begin. At first I just try to get my "flow" with the ideas, let the words appear on the screen and then I come up with something and I enjoy the process. When I read back my blog entries, I realized that those that I really like are the ones that was a result of this process. And so here it goes again.

There are about three days before the graduation of the Class of 2007. I spent half of the day standing one the field today practicing the parade for the turn-over ceremonies this sunday. As for me, I will go on as the Personnel Officer of the Company (that's the Company S1 in military terms). Having gone through so many different experiences as a cadet there are so many things that I have learned and perhaps as the academic year is moving towards its conclusion, I might as well look back and reflect on the things that have happened.

My fondest memory as a PMA cadet to date is being a squad leader to my seven plebes during summer camp. Not that the three plebes I had on the regular semester were less significant, its just that they were the first and somehow first times just stand out. It was there how I learned to appreciate how hard it is to let go of the things that they have believed in before they become cadets. It was in that experience that I learned to analyze myself more just to make sure that I really was worthy in nurturing these young dreamers. It was also with them that I learned the value of doing my best especially when people are depending on you. In the more than a month that I was with them, I have developed a sense ownership on how their lives will turn out knowing that I have been a part of their experience as plebes. I can not guage at this point whether or not I really was successful in making them better people than when they first met me, but I know that they made me a better person after our experience together and for that I will forever be thankful.

Of course, there is this daunting reality of the responsibilities that are set before me. Somehow, I could say that the whole cadet training is geared towards a time when each cadet will realize how much responsibility he will be carrying and the things that he is being prepared for. I am constantly haunted by wrong decisions that I might make that may kill my subordinates. On another end, I am also looking forward to having another person totally depend his life to the decisions that I will make. I guess, that is how the will to lead is developed and somehow, in my short and little experience as a leader inside the country's leading leadership laboratory, my idea of these things is quite good and I am happy for that.

In my personal life, things are becoming more serious. Not that I wasn't too interested in developing my personality before, its just that these days, I am believing that I have a more mature disposition on how things should be in my life. I am 24 years old and I should be thinking maturely. I guess life does come in stages and for my part, I am on that stage when I want my life to have a clear direction.

There are many things that come to me even as I try to compose my thoughts regarding the year that has passed but I guess the more important point in all of it is that I have become a better person and that I learned things that will be useful to me in the future. I think now that for all people, our direction should always be better may it be in little things or in the generaly sense of the the things that we do. I can only say these things for my life and others may not really believe in me, but the point is I am happy with what I have become through the years. I may not be the perfect person but I know I am taking advantage of living the adventure of life.

Today is 16 March 2007 and there will be more wonderful years and with this blog as my witness I can just be thankful to God Almighty for continuously guiding my life. Let's move on to my last year as cadet... Let us keep on praying.... I love you people....

RHIR - Rank has its RESPONSIBILITIES

I just received a comment asking permission to include my blog on his bloglist. Upon reading the contents of that blog I kind of realized how I have not been writing so much about issues not related to my life. I mean I do have my own opinions about things tha I have written before its just that in as far as my intellectual status is concerned those things are not really in my immediate concern... until now!!!

In the documentary that I orchestrated for my law class, we tackled the issue on the role of the military in the elections. This issue was a result of the Memorandum of Agreement signed last 12 October to specify the roles of the military in the elections so as not to have a repeat of the controversies that has hounded the organization in the past. Aside from wanting to get a good grade for the subject, the whole process of really making that documentary was in fact also a learning experience.

For the purpose of putting credibility, I chose to interview two people who have knowledge regarding in the mechanics of the elections in this country. One was a lawyer who once served for the Commission on Elections as a Regional Attorney, and the other was a military officer who was a Company Commander during previous elections. Well I will not be dealing much with what they have said since I will be posting the documentary in this website. Instead, I will go over some questions that struck me as a soldier and as a Filipino as I throw questions to cover all aspects of the documentary I was making.

In a hypothetical question, I asked our lawyer interviewee about the possibility of doing damage to the electoral process if indeed the soldiers wants to. The answer was a yes and it just made me think if there has really been instances that it has been done in the past.

At this point of my training, there is never a day that responsibility keeps on bothering me. With my impending promotion to the top of the cadet hierarchy in 14 days time, I can't help it but fear the amout of responsibility I am expected of as an Immaculate (that's what we call the graduating cadets). Even in an acting capacity now with the graduating cadets in their OJT, I can't help it but just wish that life is easier. Now the point is of why I am saying is that I have all the chance to do what I please as I go up in the ladder of the cadet hierarchy. This phenomenon will not stop here because when I finally (hopefully really) graduate come 2008, there will be more of that power. I will have armed soldiers under my authority, the necessary logistical capability and of course I will be influential. This then draws us back to the point of whether or not those in the position to do something really did something. The thought makes me worried but I know that I will have to come into terms with that reality, believing that the charaater that I will form this early in my career as a soldier will become the foundation of the character I will exhibit as a military officer. Just as the reality of choosing my branch of service will determine the outcome of my life, the reality of facing and handling responsibility will define me as a person. I just hope that at the time of reckoning, I will be true to my oath as a soldier and to the creed of my alma mater... I know I will... I hope I can!!!

Taking the path

I am supposed to be preparing for tomorrow's parade. The parade tomorrow will be the first time that my class will act as Cadet Officers in a Saturday parade. But then there are just some thoughts that I feel I have to write, for some reason I can not help it.

Just before I went here, we were briefed about the choice of branch of service we will be making by next Saturday. For those who do not know why this is done, the Philippine Military Academy us the primary source of Officers for the Armed Forces, meaning each class is distributed to the three branches of service of the AFP namely: Air Force, Navy and the Army. For each class, there is a quota that is determined by the branch of service of which we will fill up. For our class, the basis for priority will be our merit list as of last semester. It is from this angle that I will begin to construct my point.

I have always said that PMA is a big community of dreamers. For most of us here, we went through all that we went through because we dared to pursue big and difficult dreams. I wouldn't want to go through the challenges that one can be contended with as a cadet but generally, it takes effort to survive each day inside this Academy wearing the cadet uniform. It is from those dreams that one can say that generally our choices here will determine what happens with our lives in the future and in the case of my class now this choice is on which service each of us will join.

I am a die-hard Army as many of us would put it. Although I can be lazy at walking and having with me a heavy backpack, I know it is the life that I want. Well, that really isn't a big problem since in most cases, it is the Army that gets the biggest share of yearly PMA graduates. I think after leaving the lecture hall earlier, many of my classmates, especially those who did not make it in the quota of their preferred branch of service are in a sort of troubled state. The choice that all of us will be making come March 10 will be the life that we will be living for the next 30 years or so of our life. It is not just some ordinary choice that we can back out at one point, we will be joining a WAR where lives are at stake, somehow the choice that we will make will affect our chance of staying alive.

For most people, it will take a while before they are contended by choices that will determine the outcome of their life. Even sadder are those whose life has been a result of passive decisions which was a product of mere luck on life circumstances. But I guess for everyone, when the time has come for us to be contemplative of the life we had, we will remember that one moment when we are to make a very important choice in our life. It will not be about other people, it will be about our life.

Sitting in the lecture hall earlier, listening to the speaker in front, I could somehow feel the tension of everyone of my classmates. Although I am sure of what I want, there is still that feeling of uncertainty in me where I wonder if I really am making the right choice, I wonder how harder it is for the others who have no idea what they want. I could just imagine how it would be for each of my classmate come D-DAY to walk towards that piece of paper where they will eventually write their names. From there, each of our life will begin another chapter -- a chapter that everyone of us is totally clueless.

And so I sit in front of this computer contemplating on the choice I will make and realizing that I am already at the stage where I chart my destiny and that my life is in my hands. When I grow old, maybe I can look at this blog entry and be reminiscent of the exact feeling I have right now. I am hoping that when that time comes, I will wear a smile in my face and say that I made the right choice....

Let's go ARMY...

Thoughts on the Alumni Homecoming

With the Alumni Homecoming Festivities over, I begin to explore on the reason that leads all cavaliers back to the Philippine Military Academy. I may not have all the answers but just maybe some insight will be gathered and this phenomenon can be understood.

Around this time last year, I wrote a similar article basically about the Alumni Homecoming. This time though, I intend to write it in the eyes of a second class cadet who has been part of the celebration not just a mere participant but living out the reason why the cavaliers go back for their yearly pilgrimage.

The day before the event, I was lucky enough to go to the city for some duty I have to attend to. This was the opportunity for me to pass through the road from Baguio City to PMA filled up with all types of banners welcoming the different classes that will flock the Academy. I remember the times when I ride in front of our van a few years back being marveled by the kind of entertainment these banners bring as we travel to PMA all the way from Manila. I even remember an instance when there was a banner as early as EDSA leading the Cavaliers as they trek to Fort Del Pilar. In a comical way, these banners do bring about fond memories of the wonderful days of cadetship.

In the afternoon after that, I stood in front of the mess hall observing the people that were roaming around. I presume many of them were Cavaliers as evident in the way they tell stories that I can not hear but was full of life as they relate it to members of their family who were following them behind. There were those who would want to see the mess hall just to be reminded how it was back then when they were heading up and chinning in amidst the shouts of their upperclassmen. People were everywhere yet it seemd that somehow they knew each other, their eyes were filled with some kind of nostalgia over the sights that were not new to them, the places that they were seeing where in fact once their home for at least four years of their lives.

Early in the morning of the Homecoming, I walked the side part of the Borromeo Field. It's serene stature, ready for the coming cavaliers. In a matter of hours, the grounds will once again be filled with the very same people that sweated it out in the same field. I could just imagine the millions of stories that the field before me holds. A few hours after that, as I don my full dress uniforms and the cavaliers passing in front of me, I can't help it but notice how the faces seemed to be just like the normal people you I see day in and day out. Others have grown beer bellies, have developed gray hair and wrinkles but still all of them marched in cadence with the bass drum just as how it has been in the last 50 years or so in the Academy. Finally at the end of the parade the thousands of people were silent as the band begins to play the Alma Mater Song. As I place my gaze at the many different people lined up in front of the grandstand, I can't help it but realize that in some way, the words of the song echo the same sentiment that they themselves have learned back in the days when they were wearing the same uniform that I was wearing.

Just like Alumni Homecomings of any school, it is an event filled with wonderful memories. But then, the difference with the PMA Alumni Homecoming is that it is filled not just with wonderful memories but also experiences that has forever changed the lives of the men and women who has donned the cadet uniform. Somehow, the many people who come back every February are those that were given a chance of a lifetime to make something out of their life and be a the best our of what they were given

Rereading the journal

I have around 10 minutes to type this blog, I hope to cover everything that I thought of writing before I came here.

I have not heard a bad comment yet regarding my Uncle Bobo article, its not that I am hoping some nasty comment will be given to it maybe at the back of my mind I was prepared to hear what people has to say about it. Anyway, I am glad I published it here. From now on, my supposed to be articles for the Corps Magazine will be published in this blog and I will label them so that they can be accessed easily, just wait for it I have other ideas in mind.

I while ago, I was reading my Purpose Driven Life Journal. It was a journal that is accompanied by the famous book by Rick Warren. About early July of 2004 (as a fourthclass) I decided that I will start doing the 40 days Purpose Driven Life on my own. It was a decision I made out of the realization that I should put my cadetship in a direction that is according to God's will for me. So I asked Faith to buy me one and if I remembered in right I have not paid her until now. so I started doing it but then sometime in October, I stopped writing. I do not know the reason maybe I just became tired of having to force myself write what I thought about something that I read when sometimes I jsut want to meditate on the new realizations that I had. I resumed it in December 29, because of a thought brought about by Grace (yes the lovely Grace) when we were talking during the Superintendent's Hop (she was my partner). I wrote some more until I stopped sometime in January when this blog was ressurected.

It was only today that I realized how much of the things that I aspired for during those times have come to pass without me realizing that at some point in my quest for God, He revealed to me that the things that will happen to me in the future. I was suprised to read that at one point I was writing my prayer only to realize that I have it now. But more on that, I also realized that I was feeling somewhat the same emotion about being uncertain of the things to come and then resolving to allow God to work according to His plan and that always He has never failed me. I guess my point is that in all that is happening in our life even if we are not aware, He guides us day by day ensuring that we walk in a path that is according to His plan.

I also remembered something that was trigerred by an event that happened earlier today at church. I still do not know if I should write about it in this blog since it is about certain people that I prayed for and for some reason I am seeing the fulfillment of that prayer. I had a realization this morning and it still bothers me up to this very moment. I am trying to comprehend if what I am feeling is actually the truth or am I just making it up because that is what I happened?

Anyway, in that journal I always end it with something and that is how I will end this entry.... Thank you for Grace....I love you people....

It is not always that I listen to a speech from our usual visitors every saturday that I end up thinking about what that guest said. Today is definitely one of those rare moments. For some reason listening to a four star general talking about his "rotment" as a cadet in the Philippine Military Academy and then concluding by saying "NO AMOUNT... I'M NOW THE CHIEF PNP" kind of gives so much hope in whatever rotment it is that I am feeling everyday that I spend here. I think this blog has been a witness to the many complains I have, from the simplest to the silliest. I always defend myself that although I complain, it is just my way of releasing the building up tension inside me. This afternoon, when I went out of the mess hall, I kind of thought that maybe the general speaking in front just moments ago might have had the same feeling that I always have but still he persisted. And that may have been true to all the other generals in the hall that afternoon. In the end, came back to my room having a renewed sense of hope and realizing that each day that I move on brings me closer to my goal. Maybe in the not so distant future, I will be able to say to myself... "NO AMOUNT!!!"

I actually have tons to do. In my front is a folder that has something to do with a class project that has been unofficially delegated to me to do. I also have a lot of things to write for some other requirements. The irony is that although I am aware of all this, it seems that I do not have the will to do what I have to do. I end up staring at the computer screen and jumping from one friendster account to another. I then start missing people and become sentimental and then write about it in this blog (just right now) Maybe its because I do not have someone to talk to like I had Yaser way back in the days that I did not wear the cadet uniform. Maybe because I try my best not to deal with my problems and just hope for the better. Or maybe I am just stressed up that I can not concentrate on accomplishing my tasks. I do not know but I really have to gather myself and start going back to what I am supposed to do.

Imagine the irony of what I am writing, first its about hope and then suddenly I am talking about losing focus... something is definitely wrong with me. Anyway, the article will soon come out just be patient... Goodbye people....

Questions

I did not intend to write a post just now, but the comment in one of my previous posts kind of trigerred some reaction that I had to straighten out some things. I do not wish to be miunderstood in this one.

Although it would seem that I felt bad about being banned from writing in the mag, that is not what I am really sad about. I have long accepted that I will not be able to always say what I think(or write it for that matter). If one may have observed how I have been in the many posts in this blog, I have always been critical about the kind of leadership exercised by the people around me. I am inside the biggest leadership laboratory in the country and its sad that even in this place there are instances that something is not right. In my limited knowledge about the real world and my inexperienced ego, I do know that my perception is not that good but I am very much aware if things are not going the way it should.

These are the questions at hand:

1. What is the leader's responsibility to his subordinates? Does he ignore them as long as he has the best of intentions?
2. Is it too hard to understand that sometimes we do not have the monopoly of ideas that sometimes it helps to seek other people's opinion?
3. Does longevity equate to maturity?
4. Who says something is wrong when your boss is going wild especially in the military organization?

In all these questions (there are many others that I can think of) I realized that in the end it will not be about the leader but about how we wish to define ourselves. I do not have all the answers but I do know that when all else fails I will have to stick to my convictions, remember my values and put my faith in God.

The end of my writing career

Yesterday, when I went back to the barracks I was called to go to an officer. I was being asked to write something for them. Going back a few hours after and lying on my bed, I can not understand why I am being asked to do something that has caused me to be in trouble. Again, I promise not to give out details but let us just say that I got into trouble over something that I wanted to write. I thought I would be dismissed and I came into something that allowed me to confront my greatest fears. But let me start from the beginning.

I remember how I envy a classmate in high school who writes so well. She had such talents in words that I often find myself carried away by the emotions in her writing. For my part, the writing that I did most of the time then were letters to the editor, complains over school policies and others that almost always are critical to an existing system or entity. Being in the student council then, I find it so easy to rebut issues that my organization is being placed especially when my emotions are running wild in rage over the writers. I hated the writers then.

Then I discovered blogging. Its not like it came out of the blue, the joy of being able to express myself has somehow led me to a feeling of contentment that I have never experienced in my life. At first I only wrote comments about the things that I have seen, later on it became my experiences and in time I was practically writing everything that came into my mind. Through the years I have developed a sense of confidence on the ideas that I write that I no longer care if people like what I write or not, I was just doing it for the pure love of it.

Writing in PMA was another thing. I just finished reading one fantastic book that I decided to write about it (out of boredom that is). When it was done, I did not know what to do with it so I submitted it to the magazine. I had no intention of doing it regularly but soon they were asking me other reviews about books that I've read. I became bolder and bolder in my writing that soon, I was writing everything that came to mind that might suit the taste of the readers of the Corps Magazine. Of course there were also times that I did it for some gain. I once joined a writing contest here in the Academy and won some money which gave me the idea that I can actually get money from it. But generally, through the years I have learned to love writing not just for pure expression but for cleansing of the soul. I do not expect people to understand what I mean but let me just say that it is something that I really want and enjoy doing.

And then my tragedy. Its not like I was thinking of some corrupt idea for something or for someone, I was just doing what I thought was appropriate. Apparently it wasn't that appropriate to some people and everything came down crashing into me. I guess the things that we love the most does not necessarily mean that we are always being rewarded, sometimes the things that we love the most are those that will be used to question the kind of person we are. And I say that they were entirely wrong.

My writing now is confined to this blog and of course to some tasks that they think I can help them with. The irony of it is that despite of them acknowledging that writing is something that I am good at (this is the deduction considering that they are asking me to write their reports, some articles and others) they refuse to allow me to practice the kind of person that I have become because of the talent that I have been endowed. I first thought that the end of my writing career will be something that I will dread. But now, looking at the ideas that I jotted down in preparation for articles that I wanted to write, its not really that bad. I learned that in the end I do not have anything to prove to them and they will never kill my talent no matter what happens. Maybe I am trying to console myself but the truth of the matter is although there is something that they took away from me, my writing career will never end. My ideas will endure as long as people will keep on reading it.

I am not yet so sure if I will do it but I am planning to publish the article that ended my stint at the Corps Magazine in this blog. I'm hoping they (I mean those who stopped me from writing it) will read it. I am hoping that they will restrain me again and this time they will hit me harder, maybe dismissing me. Its not like I was writing something that is prejudicial to the AFP, or was calling for a mass action, I was simply making a good article about a topic that is not even controversial. I know I will be fearful but after going through what I went through, I think I will be able to handle it. If I will be judged because of what I write then be it, at least I am applying something that they taught me.

So I have finally accepted that my stint at the Corps Magazine has ended. I will never write again in that magazine unless they are the ones who will ask me to come back, oh I would love it if it was the person who signed my death warrant (its as if he cared for that magazine). So its the end of something and the beginning of another. May God Bless me.

Silly things and renewed hope

There are plenty of reasons why I write silly things in my blog. One, there are just times that I have silly thoughts that I can not allow to dwell in me. Another is the fact that what kind of person I am if I can not be silly at times. There are still others that I can think of if really I try but I am happy with the two because honestly, writing this entry, I just want to be silly.

My room mates Ipod was borrowed last weekend and it has not been returned yet. The result is that no High School Musical sountrack playing inside our room. I kind of missed it over the weekend but have kind of forgotten all about it when our intramurals began yesterday. My major participation is really just cheering for my company during games but yesterday I kind of felt like joining the hard part of the games. I joined my female classmate when she had the running part of the duathlon (the events are swimming and running) I do not exactly recall how fast we were running the 5.5 kilometer stretch of the gate and back but I enjoyed it considering that I am having a hard time catching my breath in running these days. I am trying my best to run everyday hoping to regain my endurance and to shed of some of the weight I am gaining. I'm sad that all the fats I burned last summer somehow found its way back into my body and I have to take an effort to shed it off again. I am trying my best not too eat too much and take some time to run as often as I could (my initial goal now is to run 5 kilometers a day). Anyway, my life is somehow normal without me really feeling that bad compared to a few weeks ago. I am hoping this will continue.

Now, let me change the topic. Last night, I had an animated chatting session with a friend in Manila. I was telling her about the text message I received from a very special girl in my not so distant past. I was sharing to her how surprised I was because in her text she was like telling me that I was not texting her. To be honest I did, but she did not reply so I guess there was no reason to keep on trying. Well, last sunday it was different. Maybe out of the blue she had nothing to do and she did sent me a text message that reminded me of the wonderful past that we once shared. I have to admit that I was happy that she wanted to get in touch because I did have happy memories with her, but then again it wasn't like I was thrilled. I had so many things going on and somehow placing her in it is totally out of the picture. I guess she will just remain to be a happy memory. Last night, just before I went to sleep, I admitted to my friend (the one I was chatting) that I did love her and perhaps it will never change, she will always be special no matter what but life goes one and she is not part of it for me. I'm not being rude I am just being realistic. I am looking forward to her invitation of seeing me when I get the chance to go out and I am hoping that would be soon.

Anyway, let me also share an insight about something that happened last week. I was actually losing patience over this girl I am writing to every week. I have been contemplating whether or not I was being patient or I was just being dense. Then last monday, something happened. It was one of those ideas where we ask everyone in our phonebook to greet someone special for a special occassion. I wasn't that thrilled because I knew she sent the same message to tons of her friends. But being the "good person" that I am I complied and had some few text messages with her parents. I just have to tell them that their daughter was such a wonderful person. Finally, when I was about to sleep, I kind of remembered the times when I had to escort her around the mall. I remembered the time in SM Baguio when she was looking for some pasalubong for her brother. Then I remembered how she talks about her family and that she just exudes so much joy while she is at it. In one remark I vividly remember when I was in Lipa, she told me not to worry if I get lost anyway "pulis naman si papa." Then it made sense. I guess one can not find someone who values her family so much that it shows in the way she does things. At the point where I was contemplating on how to find the patience I need to go on pursuing her, I found it in one single text message. I slept very comfortably that night with renewed hope.

It has been a while since I was able to write something this long and I am hoping I will have plenty of entries like this. I think this year will be better for me despite of its bad start. I was not into reading last year. I only read Mitch Albom's For One More Day and it was mostly because I can not help it but feel guilty giving it away without having the chance to read it (I read it on the bus going to Baguio and finished somewhere in Pangasinan). Just today though, I just finished my second book in 4 days and I have started a new one. I really feel that its a good sign, I am going back to normal. Well, I am beginning to sound weird I will just have to write more about these things in the future. I love you people

Breaking Free

Remember a time when you wake up in the morning and the first thing you hear is some familiar tune and then you end up singing the tune for the rest of the day. For me now, it has lasted for a week. During the recent Christmas Holidays, my younger sister kept on singing some familiar tune. She had a CD of it and she had it wherever she went to. It was the High School Musical Soundtrack and I can just wonder what the movie was about. Then coming back to Baguio my roommate has an answer to my curiousity -- he had a DVD of the movie (of course together with some others which were really the ones he wanted to watch). To make the long story short, I watched it and have since seen the movie for like five times. That's something considering that for one, computers are now illegal (for the underclass that is) and that its not like I have a lot of free time to spare. But then the movie struck something in me, maybe my love for singing or just this fantasy of going back to high school and having a blast of a good time. In the weekend that followed, my room mates bought the soundtrack and it has been playing inside our room ever since. Now, I am looking forward to the day it will be played in the mess hall while the whole Corps is eating.
I do not know if there is something interesting with teeny movies that has caught the liking of someone who is practicaill living in some isolated place. The truth is that I do not care. But let me just say this. In all of us there will be things that will capture our fancy, things that will just give us that form of comfort and relief. This things may not be necessarily popular to the crowd that we belong to. To everyone, I think there is just this "dark" secret that we keep hidden because it is different but then again more than being entitled to our own individuality is the courage to stand for the things that call our hearts to break free and be the persons according to who we really are.
In Paulo Coelho's the Devil and Ms Prym, the characters of St. Savin (a hermit living near the town of Viscos) and Ahab (the acknowledged founder of Viscos) are somewhat figures that explains my point. Although I do not really want to reveal the story of the book, the thing with this characters is that they somehow illustrate the kind of people we usually are. Although everyone can relate to the other characters in the novel, the two stand-out because they acted on what their heart was calling for. The whole story somehow revolved on the dillema of the inhabitants of Viscos wanting to be accepted in the community. In the clincher, there has to be someone who had to take a bold step, a leap of faith if I may say, to make people understand the value of their own individuality and being the real person that they are. The devil and the gold bars were just stimulus that caused the story to happen the way it happen in Paulo Coelho's novel.
I guess my point in this entry is that although the world that we are in can be vicious to those who try to be different, it is never a reason to be indifferent. Yes we have to deal with society but to lose our individuality along the process is a greater crime that is not only bad but also betrays the person that we were intended to be. I know that I will never be the person that everyone will like or be proud of, but I know that when they do it will be because of who I really am and I'd rather be that person that someone who desperately altered himself for others.

Being not enough -- continued

Last night, there was not enough time to really completely explain my thought on not being enough so I will write the continuation.

I wrote about not being enough, I mean if everything that we do in this world is enought to really get what we want then life wouldn't be that exciting. But more on that let me go back to the things taht I do to keep me busy. Let's take the letters that I have been sending every week to this girl somewhere far. I told myself that if I was true to my feelings and that I will give it my all maybe that would be enough. Now a year after, it seems that nothing is happening. Last year, I also complained about opportunities that I missed. About conferences that I was not given the chance to go despite of my belief that I was more than qualified. I felt then that life was fair and that I will be given what I am due. Later on, I realized that life is not actually fair. We can be the best at everything that we do but we do not have the final say in the outcome of what will happen.

This is the realization that I had in the crisis that I am going through right now. Maybe this is my second blessing -- to be taught that in the end the things that will happen to my life will not be because of what I can do but because it is a Grace from God. No matter how good I will do, no matter how much I try, I will never be certain of the things to come all I can do is submit everything to the will of God believing that He knows best.

The lessons in life is amazing, there is so much mystery in how each of us is taught a lesson that is life changing. I am learning more on submission and I am praying for some more. As I said in the initial stages of this problem in my life, I will come out a better person from this experience, right now I am believing that I am a better person and it has not ended yet. Well that is the beauty of living life...

I guess that is all I can say for now....

Being not enough

Around two weeks ago, I was excited to lead the congregation at church for Praise and Worship. Not only that it will be the first for the year, I was also full of so much pain and I just wanted release all of it. I wanted to find God's purpose on the things that suddenly gripped me when I came back from Christmas break. The Church then had some kind of activity where our pastor invited a Choir from the local UCCP in Baguio. It was to be a worship full of song and that made me uneasy, I guess I felt uneasy singing in front of singers. I made it through my part still unable to understand what I wanted to understand.

The choir that sang generally had older people in it but there was one that stood out. She was beautiful. The moment we saw her, almost all the upperclassmen had ordered at least one underclass to find out her cellphone number. In the duration, I forgot the spiritual thing I wanted to find out. Or so I thought.

In the days that followed, I have exchanged a lot of text messages with her. I learned a thing or two but the thing that stood out really was I enjoyed doing it. I was waiting each day for a text message from her and somehow that alleviated all the feelings that I had over my troubles. Later on, we began to talk about more personal things. Its really easier to confide with people that you do not know, even revealing the gory details of our lives seem to be so easy. Finally, I got this notion that there must be something about this girl.

Last night, I started reading Paulo Coelho's The Devil and Ms Prym. I was again caught by the genius of Paulo Coelho. Yesterday, I came to a thought which I shared with the girl I was talking about. I said that there are certain limitations with communication such as text messaging. After sometime, we realize that when we reach that limit beyond that is no longer believable. At the point when I considered even falling in love with her, I realized that it couldn't be possible, it was beyond the reach of text messaging. I kind of had this thought about this girl I have been writing to every week for the past year and somehow it all connected. At some point, we will realize that the things that we have or the things that we do will not be enough to really get what we want. All the effort I put in writing my letters every week to a girl far away will never be enough just as the text messages I send. It will never be enough because if we are able to depend on what we have and get what we want, then this world would be full of people just trying to be better than each other. At the end of it all, everything will be dependent on something beyond us and all we have to do is believe.

Well, going back to singing in the church and all my problems, I will never be enough. No matter how good I am, or whatever thing I try to do to avoid frustrations, it will never be enough. I will never be enought because if I was then life wouldn't be that exciting and God would not have a place in this world. At the end of it all, I will have to put my faith into something and for me now that something is with God. I will believe in Him, embrace it, and live my life to the fullest.

The testing of faith and restoration of relationships

I call this experience a test of faith and a restoration of relationships. In the last days, I have had the most fearful episode of my life that I spent most of my time alone crying to myself. I was so afraid of the things that will happen especially that the thing that I love so much, my cadetship, is threatened. Although it is not over yet, by this time I am beginning to see the light and have realized how God has worked in me through this even as I write this entry now.

I haven't been writing so much about faith these past days. When this blog started way back in 2001, almost all my entries were realizations about life and how God has manifested Himself in the things that I do. Lately though, my life has been complacent and most of my thoughts revolved around my frustrations, the things that I want to do and of course the usual way of trying to be interesting being the PMA cadet writing in a blog. I did not notice how I have stagnated in experiencing and practicing my faith to the point that it seemed I do not appreciate all the blessings that I am experiencing. This was my reminder.

Cadetship for me is a highlight in my life. Not only that I struggled to be here (the story is somewhere in the early archives), there was a time that God some kind of told me that this is where he wanted me to be. Not that I expect people to believe me that I heard some voice, but my confidence in my stay here is founded on that promise. I am now on my third year, and since then I have learned so much that each day I am beginning to embrace this profession more and more. Along the process also, my confidence level has increased, sometimes to the point of being proud, simply because I heard a voice. What I have forgotten is that more than a promise, this was in fact a gift from God that I should take care of and should not be complacent about. I realized this now and I had to be reminded the hard way.

Coming back from my Christmas Break last January 2, I was called by a superior and then it seemed that everything might just be taken away. Going back to my room, I spent the next 2 hours crying over it and being so fearful, I was not prepared for my cadetship to be taken away even the thought of it makes me really afraid. It was obvious in my previous entries but I tried my best to live out my faith. I started to pray a lot, read the bible more and asked people to pray for me also. I asked counsel from people that I admire and evaluated myself so that I can deal with this problem. I did not have the choice and I told myself that I will face this problem head-on believing that I will get what I deserve. It was a leap of faith and the biggest that I took in the past years. I started to organize my thoughts and prepared to defend myself. The issue occupied everything of me that I spend so much of my time thinking how to answer questions once the investigation begins. I also imagined scenarios and how to go about them. Finally, I prayed and asked people to pray for me. I wasn't myself in the past days and everytime I am left alone, I begin to cry and talk to God.

The other day, while I was expressing my fears to my father through text messaging I realized something. You see, I have had the most difficult relationship with my father. Growing up, I blamed so much of what has happened to my life to him and it was only lately that I started to patch things up for them. But being here in PMA, I really do not have so much opportunity to bond with him and I do not feel comfortable being mushy with him in text messages and letters. I realized that this was my opportunity(and his also) to show how I love him. In our exchange of text messages, I realized that I felt good as he comforts me and guides me with what I can do. I felt that in this testing of my faith, we had the opportunity to show how much love we have for each other. After a few exchanges, I wasn't very much concerned anymore with my problem rather I was more concerned of telling him how happy I was that he was with me in this crisis and how he has made a difference in the way things are no matter how things will end up. Amidst my problem, God was restoring a relationship that had to be restored so that I can be a better person.

Things have not yet settled although it is looking up. Last night, I received some wonderful counsel and had some concrete assurance that everything will turn out well. But more than my problem being resolved, there are more lessons that I learned. I now consider this experience as God's way of testing my faith and restoring my relationship with my father. I am now truly thankful that He allowed me to go through this experience. My fears now are not as big as before. Although I find myself still wondering every now and then, what has become so obvious in this whole experience is that God manifesting himself amidst trials and assuring me that everything is in his control. This afternoon, I had the most comfortable sleep since I went back from Christmas break. Amidst my problems, God does comfort those who put their faith in Him.

For each of us, we will have moments in our lives where everything will be shaken. We will have to come into terms with realities that we are not ready to confront and yet do not have the choice. But in all these things, I now learned that in each of the trials, problems, temptations and other bad things that happens in our lives is an opportunity for God to manifest Himself and work in our lives. I now learned that no matter how things are the best way to deal with things is put our faith in God, allow him to manifest Himself and let Him do His wonder. I am so much excited of how things will end and somehow I am hoping that a lesson or two can be learned from my experience. God does work in mysterious ways.

Thank you God!!!

The first blessing

I am afraid. Last night, I had to ask some underclassmen to be with me in the room as my three room mates went on their Environmental Science Field Trip. I do not trust myself when alone, I can not stop thinking about the crisis that is happening in my life right now. I can not get it off my head and very often I end up crying to myself and be very very afraid. In truth, I am afraid that I just might get dismissed.

As I said before, I do not want to go into the details of my problem, that might put me into more trouble but I just have to write my thoughts and the realizations that I had out of my problems. Last night, I told my father how afraid I was. I told him how I cried myself to sleep, I told him all of my fears. You see, my father has not been that good of a listener to problems, but at that instant I could feel how concerned he was. Suddenly I told him that I am just so happy to go through this knowing that he is with me all the way. I guess instead of dealing with all my fears and the sadness I have, there are still good things that come with this problem of mine and last night I realized that it was God's way of reminding me of my father. I realized how different it has been before with my relationship with my father and God is showing me how important it is. This thing is far from over but as early as now, the blessings are already revealing itself. Although still fearful, I am thanking God that He is able to show me these things amidst my problem and I am still hopeful that He will show me more. Thank you God and be with me as I go through this.

I will count all of the blessings I will find in my problems and will thank God in everything... God, I'm yours....

Hoping

I suddenly find myself looking at nothingness wondering how all of my problems will be solved. I still have not idea and what is keeping me from giving up is a promise that I believe deep in my heart. I do not really expect people to agree with me but at this point in my life that is all what I have. I promised myself that I will give it all I've got... I will get through this... I will...

My Blessed Assurance

Today is like the lowest time of my life. I wanted to cry because of al the things that are happening. I do not want to go into details as this would cause me more trouble I will just have to realease my feelings without really discussing the reason why I am feeling such.

In New Year's Eve, I attended church at CCF at the back of SM Megamall. I do not remember anymore the last time I was there and the church itself changed a lot from the last time I saw it. I always look forward to the message in this church because more often I am able to gather a thing or two that applies to my life, this time was no exception. You see, I have always believed that life is fair, I mean inasmuch as many disagree with that perception I have experienced so much already in my life that lead me to believe that it is true. But last New Year's Eve, Vince Burke (the preacher) introduced to me a new idea. He said that according to the Bible, life is not fair. He said that if life is fair then we all go to die in Hell because we are all sinners. The new idea was that by the Grace of God, we actually get more than we deserve. Well, that was a major leap from my original belief system and no matter how I try not to believe it, it seems true and due to the things that are happening in my life right now, that just might be true.

Oftentimes, at the point when we have become so comfortable with our lives, it is shaken. That is how I consider my life now. My year began with the biggest frustration I have experienced since the time I was discharged 6 years ago. I will never claim that I am the perfect cadet. I had my share of laxities, stupidity and other bad things that I did, but I can confidently say that I am never bad. I can honestly say, in all conviction, that I have tried my best to be worthy of my place here. And so at the point when I thought everything was going well, I am shaken. I am shaken because everything that I do has an effect in the larger society that I exist upon which I do not have control. No matter how honest and noble my intentions are, there will never be an assurance that all will be well as in my case now. In my soul searching, as I try to contemplate with my present problem, I am amazed that I can find so much energy and faith in myself even if the odds are not in my favor. I am misty eyed that although the very things that I value the most are threatened, I can still face my problems with pride armed with a sense of peace that I never intended to harm anyone. I am glad that at a time when things are not looking up, I will have the opportunity to practice my faith and accept that things will not be in my terms but will be part of God's plan for me. I have come to realize that all the heartaches I have had, the circumstances taht I went through were all part of preparing me for this day. I know that my faith will be my weapon and that God will be my protector. When everything has settled down, however this one ends up, I know that I will come out a winner... as God promised I will get MORE than what I deserve. I hope that people will pray for me.

A Christmas thought

Last night, while waiting for Christmas Day, I was composing a text message for someone. It wasn't the ordinary Christmas greeting that we forward to all the people we know. I was making something unique that I willl only send to someone special. I do not remember the exact words but it was about how the Holiday Season's can allow us to think about the many things in our life and realize how wonderful it has been. More than than, the season allows us to identify why our life is wonderful.

That was how I felt last night, while I was watching Smallville waiting for midnight. Our Noche Buena is not that grand, we had spaghetti, liempo and then Buko Salad. That was how it has always been. There was never really a time that I remembered that we prepared that much for our Christmas feast. In the previous years, there were serious problems, but then we have come to this point. In some way, I could say that we are better than others... we had spaghetti and liempo and our salad was not some ordinary salad, there was Ice cream mixed to it. I remember the time when all we had then was a bucket of KFC, it was fun.

I really do not know how to describe it but there is some thought that might just make my point. A cousin spent Christmas with us last night. I have not seen her for very long and we had so much things to tell each other. While walking around our village she noticed how the houses around us are so much different. Even I was surprised because it seemed that it was only our house that never went through renovation through the years. My younger brother had a witty reply:

"Kami kasi walang magulang. Kung may magulang kami ngayon wala ng pinag-aaral mga magulang namin kaya ang gagawin na lang nila magpaganda ng bahay. Yung mga kapitbahay namin mga magulang yan na walang magawa sa pera nila kaya pinaganda nila ang bahay nila"

It dawned to me that although our life has not been that good compared to our neighbors. Eventhough our house is already starting to show signs of old age, inside it live three young men who are somewhat survivors in their own right, overcoming all odds and still surviving despite of all the troubles in life. I could say that we are better off that others, we have survived through the years completely on our own and by the grace of God we are good people.

I guess Christmas is not really about all the lavish preparations and big gifts, I think its a time to be thankful that life is still moving forward and that God is still in control in our lives. I have come to realize that the wonderful thing in my life is the fact that it still endures everything that comes with and still continues to look forward to the unknown future full of hope and determination to overcome every test that it has to offer.

Blog...blog...blog

I already started writing an entry last night but then there was a brown out, so I have to remember my thought last night and write it all over again.

For the record, I would liek to state that I have somewhat recovered from my frustration. Somewhat because I still feel bad thinking about it but now I am not that depressed and looking forward to working again. As originally projected, everything was on schedule and although I may not get credit from it, I am still proud that it was my achievement no matter how many people will complain or react that I am being proud. Please allow me to feel a sense of fulfillment for something that I did.

Anyway, I would like to blog about blogging per sec. I have always claimed that this is where I pour everything that I feel. I have often caused reactions both good and bad but this is how I am. I feel bad over things that I aspire for and do not get, I become bored and I come up with absurd ideas. The thing is I have the right to write about these things even if my grammar is not exactly perfect and even if people will perceive me negatively. This blog presents the real me, totally unadulterated. In this blog, I am free. I am not a cadet bounded by rigid rules, nor I am some sick person who longs for acceptance or recognition. I am being myself and if you do not like me then don't trouble yourself with reading what I have to say, there are more than enought websites out there that you can go to that has what you want to read about. The truth is it doesn't matter much how people react to anything that I write, I write because it is my form of expression... PERIOD.

Well, the break is in a week's time and I am very excited to be free at last. I have so many things in mind right now and am contemplating of planning out what I want to do during the period. I know Christmas will be fun this year and I am looking forward to another wonderful year ahead. Time flies so fast and by January I would have blogged in blogspot for 2 years, all in all Ang Munting Bukayo is 5 years old, imagine that!!!

There are so many things that want to talk about but there seems to be not enough time to contemplate and organize those things in my head. I will try to organize those little by little and write about it. I have just finished watching Lovers in Paris. By the way, Mitch Albom's new book For one more day is a good read, I was in tears reading it.

That's all for now... I love you people and Merry Christmas...