Romance or "romance"

A couple of years back, I received a phone call from a lady friend. She was crying from the other line and she told me about her recent heartbreak. I think she was just so heartbroken with noone to talk to that she called me. I once courted this girl but not really agressively, she knows that I like her, we enjoyed each other's company but I wasn't just that interested. We were good friends. We talked for almost 30 minutes and after saying our goodbyes the call ended. We never mendtioned that convesation to each other everytime we see each other after that. It was as if it did not happen. And then we lost track of each other lived different lives and then I find myself here in PMA. One time as I was browsing through Friendster, I saw her sister's account. I felt that it was some twist of fate so I sent her sister a message asking for her number. A few weeks after I had her number sent her a short text message and then we were asking what happened to each other after seeing Claudine Barreto's Kailangan Kita (that was the last time we were together). I learned that she already graduated from college. She is about to be married in a year's time and is doing very well professionally. I wanted to see her when I go to Manila she seems not interested. So we became text friends, sending each other text messages every now and then. Because I wanted to see her, I always tell her when I will be in Manila. Then one time, while I was in Manila she called me up. She was again asking me another love question. She met the man who broke her heart (the one in that frantic phone call) and that he was courting him again. I was surprised that he was asking me because first I do not know anything about her life now especially the circumstances with her fiance but also why was I the one she asked. I later realized that she was already decided to leave her fiance and go to the other man (that broke her heart). I realized then that this girl is still living in a fairy tale. I later understood that the reason why we never became a couple was because she lived in a fairy tale and in that tale I was just the confidant. That boy(the one that broke her heart) was her prince charming and that was the reason why she was ready to leave her fiance almost immediately. She had to complete the tale so she has to tell her confidant(that was me). It's weird to think there was I time I felt so madly in love with this girl and that she graduated from the country's state university with high distinctions. I reprimanded her in the phone for that. We ended up having some kind of a fight that up to now she never sent me any text message. I do not know if she did leave her fiance and went to the boy who broke her heart. I guess she is just stupid (more stupid because she did not have me. I realized that romance can sometimes put us out of reality, cause us to become stupid.

I tell this story because I wonder if I am being stupid with what I am doing right now. Last night I received a text message from an older friend who knew my recent crush. She was the teacher of this girl that I had been sending a letter every week since January of this year. Upon her insistent inquiry, I admitted my great admiration to her student and told me things that somehow made me feel a little better with what is happening with my so called Love life. Every now and then, I look at the pictures of this girl and wonder if the juice is really worth the squeeze. Mind you it's not easy being me. Not that I am so proud of my "love" affairs but as a cadet I have discouraged so many of my admirers, really I have a few as I said I am a cadet. Nothing much is happening except that every sunday evening I contemplate hard on what to write to that lovely girl far far away that has swept me off my feet. When she sent me a text message last night I was the happiest person to think there wasn't even anything to be happy about with what she told me. When I learned from her posts in friendster that she was reading the book I gave her (and loving it) my heart leapt. I do not wish to answer whether I am being stupid with what I am doing. Honestly, I know that the reason why I do what I do is because to a certain extent I am still clinging on to that little hope that somehow my efforts will not be in vain.

In my last letter to her I said "...I told you before that I will only stop writing this letters once you tell me to stop. Somehow, I'm wishing that you'll never tell me to stop hoping that in the end something good will come out of whatever it is that I am doing. So I countinue to write... write... and write some more." Well that's it and I pray hard to God everyday for that something good.

Totoo

Mahirap talaga magsulat ng mga bagay na gusto mong ilabas pero ayaw mo talagang sabihin lahat kasi nakakahiya. Isipin mo, hindi naman lahat ng bagay na ginagawa natin eh proud tayo. Marami tayong "dark little secrets" na kahit pa gusto nating maging totoo ay hindi talaga pepwede. Kagaya ko, lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na gusto kong makilala ng mga tao kung sino talaga ako. Kaya sa blog na ito pilit akong nagpapakatotoo, sinasabi lahat ng bagay na maisipan. Pero pag talagang babasahin mo lahat ng aking sinusulat marami akong detalye na iniiwan kasi yung iba nakakahiya ng ipamalita sa madla, ano na lang ang sasabihin ko kung minsan may lumapit sa akin at ipaalala ang isang kahihiyan na binunyag ko dito. Sa totoo naman kasi lahat tayo gusto mag-iwan ng mga bagay bagay na tanging tayo lang o yung talagang malalapit lamang na kaibigan ang mga nakakaalam. O minsan naman naglalabas ako ng sama ng loob sa crush ko na puro dedma lang ang inabot ko, syempre hindi ko ibibigay todo ang pagsulat ng lahat ng sama ng loob ko mabasa pa lang nya eh di patay ako. Kagaya ngayon mneron akong gustong sabihin pero hindi ko talaga maisip kung paano kasi alam ko pag sinulat ko dito wala ng bawian, bahala na ang mga tao na mag-isip kung ano yun. Basta ganun.

Ganyan ganyan ang nangyari sa isa kong post. Biglang nagtext sa akin ang isa kong masugid na taga subaybay (naks) tungkol sa sinulat ko, sabi nya pa alam nya na raw. Ang ending kwinento ko na lang sa kanya ano talaga yun, so ngayon pag nangungulit ako sa kanya inaasar nya ako... buti na lang berks kami kaya hindi na rin masyadong nakakahiya. Ang problema ko lang eh yung mga hindi ko berks. Yung mga taong hindi naman ako kayang itext para magreact at sila sila na lang ang nag-uusap kung ano nga ba talaga ang ibig kong sabihin sa mga sinulat ko. Paano kung yung nakabasa eh yung upperclass ko o underclass ko o hindi ba tactical officer ko. Malay natin kaya pala kada makikita nila ako eh nakangiti na sila kasi kung ano ano na iniisip nila tungkol sa akin. Pero gaya nga ng lagi kong sinasabi pag hindi ko na talaga alam kung ano gagawin "walang pakialamanan." Gaya nito alam nyo ba na dalawang beses pa lang akong sumulat sa blog na ito ng talagang gamit ko lang ay ang salitang ugat eh mga limang taon na rin akong nag lalabas ng kung ano ano dito sa internet.. as in dalawa lang talaga... basta ganun walang pakialamanan kasi kahit ano pa talaga ang sabihin ko dito wala naman silang magagawa atsaka hindi ko naman responsbilidad na i-explain ang sarili ko sa ibang tao, basta ito ako, ito na yung pinaka totoo na pwede.

Comments and Critiques

I posted some articles that were ignored by my editor for publication in an online forum. Primarily, I wanted to know why it wasn't published so I was prepared to hear the nastiest criticism to these articles. The criticism were mostly about style, organization of ideas and the choice of words. I assumed I was not affected but somehow I know I am, so I decided to lead those critiques to this blog for them to see the things that I write, maybe they too have comments... well I will just have to wait maybe something good will come out of this... hehehe

New struggle

About a year ago, as new thirdclass cadet, I wrote in this Blog about my frustration over my deficiency in calculus. If you backtrack my entries in April 2005 almost all my blogs were about calculus. It was really hard then and I was afrain that I just might not make it. But of course, as fate would have it, I passed the subject went on break and had fun in San Carlos while about seventy percent of my class were left here to take the removals for the subject. At the end of it all thirty of my classmates had to go, most of them are now my underclassmen. That was my struggle last year, I had to learn study habits and luckily I was able to cope up, I did not take any removal exam and I went on all breaks that were offered to us.

This time though, my struggle is with my plebes. As a second class cadet my primary duty is being a squad leader. In layman's term I am the one responsible to the training of all underclass cadets especially those under my squad. The firstclassmen do the "executive" decisions while we concentrate on the most basic unit -- the squad. In the most recent Corps Magazine, I wrote about how humbling and very moving being a squad leader is. I was happy with the thought that I am able to influence people. I had fun molding young plebes who like me also have their own dreams in going to PMA. But as in all of the things we do it is not a bed of roses and this evening was just so bad I almost maltreated the two plebes under my watch. I guess I do not need to explain the circumstances as most people really do not know how things are here but coming to think of it, I realized that maybe this is my struggle for this year. I have come to the conclusion that my lesson is to learn leadership.

When one is faced with a task and the rest of the people around you is watching how you do it, you find yourself wondering if you are really doing the right thing. I wonder whether I am doing enough; whether I am being able to make a positive impact on my plebes; above all I wonder if I am really doing my job. With all the concepts about leadership that we have been taught, now is my time to collate all of this and apply it. Its a wonder how one time you feel so happy with what you are doing and then suddenly you are frustrated. The job is actually one roller coaster ride where you do not really know what to expect all you can do is hope that all will be well. But just like my Calculus experience I know it will be well.

So I go on, hoping and hoping that history will judge me fairly. I am hoping that at the end of this all, i can write another entry in this blog and say that it was all a test and I passed it with flying colors.

Reasons to 'DIS'-obey

This afternoon, as me and my room mates are preparing our uniforms for noon mess formation we came into this argument about regulations and helping others to survive. Our debate came after one said that by reporting other cadets when one is a posted guard we are in fact endangering their status as cadets. I reacted saying asserting that the purpose of the regulation is for it to be followed, if we think that way then we might as well discard the regulations. I further said that cadetship is not about survival but about becoming better people fit to become leaders of the country's armed forces and perhaps the country.

Well that was our heated argument and it made me a little violent finally I began to think about things. With all the so many changes that are being implemented to the Corps right now, I wonder if I can still cope up or say that there is in fact a reason to obey. Last weekend, it took me several hours before I can finally go on privilege because of this new rule that we have to pass this examination. This is a 30 item, true or false examination about the Graybook(this is what we call our rule book). The thing with this exam is that getting a perfect score is the only way to pass-- meaning we have to know the regulation to the letter. I am not really a person who complains to much about the things that are subjected to me as a cadet. Although I have my opinions, I have long ago surrendered my right to question. And then there is this prohibition of doing roadruns during our open time in the morning despite of the requirement that we run at lest two kilometer a week. The new order states that I only run before or after my PE class, which by the way is boxing. Meaning, after battling it out with the punching bag or sparring with a classmate in a 3 round boxing match, I will still have to reserve enough strength so that I can comply with the running requirement. That means that during my open time I will just stare at nothingness maybe sleep and cross my fingers as I hope that I will still be able to run the distance within the required time period. Are we taught to obey or are we given reasons to disobey?

As I said, I have accepted that my right to question is no longer mine, but there was never a time that I surrendered the right to have opinions. I know I will still follow, although I will have to spend more time MEMORIZING the Graybook so that I can go on privilege on a weekend or even if I will have to endure more fatigue finishing my required roadruns. But I will do that because I want to graduate, they can do anything but they can not stop me from graduating. The bottom line here is I am beginning to see these changes as reasons for me to disobey-- to ignore my pledge of loyalty and hate my superiors for being so inconsiderate simply because I agreed to a creed of military professionalism. I really hope they read this and that they reprimand me for voicing this out in my blog because even if I declare this things in world wide web for the rest of the world to see, they will see the obedience I exhibited unblemished. At the end of the day I am a soldier and I will follow orders. Not because I agree to these orders but because I have embraced this path. I believe that the moment I disobey I am not credible to complain, so I give it to them. But nothing can stop me from feeling bad about all that they are doing, about their "bright" ideas, about their insensitivity to the sentiments of the cadets, and about their irresponsibility as my superiors.