Chatting with Cathy

I was chatting this afternoon trying to pass time promising myself not to sleep the whole afternoon so that I can sleep when it is time to sleep tonight. I was able to chat with a long time friend, Cathy, and made some realizations that I will be sharing in this blog entry.

The thing with Cathy is that we were classmates in Grade 1 as little children who did not know anything in the world. We then saw each other again in Dumaguete as College students. I just felt that the situation we had was serendipitous (is there such a word?) so that somehow became a factor that after sometime I could say that we became friends. I left for PMA the first time around got discharged, had a series of mishaps, went back to PMA and then we somehow reconnected through friendster. When we used to talk about things before, it was often our point of argument of who was the third honor award. I am very confident that I was the one and yet she insists that she is and tells me that she still has the ribbon with her. Chatting with her this afternoon, that became the jump off of our conversation.

For the two of us Grade one was like the last time we ever got an academic award. We advanced in school but we never really strived for good grades. I concluded that it maybe because we were validated early on as children with brains inside our head that growing up we did not find good grades as something that we should strive for. We just knew that we were not dumb. The memories of school came back inside my head and even now I still wonder how I passed subjects like Chemitry, Biology and even Filipino. When I took up Biology here in PMA I realized that I did not learn anything in Biology as a second year student then in Dumaguete. I remembered how it was so hard for me to study for Calculus as a yearling last year and how I just cried because I was afraid I was to be turned back or discharged if I will not be able to raise my grade. I had to make that hard effort to really study for my lessons and even feel weird while doing it because I spent the last, say, more than 10 years of my life in school without developing a study habit. In the final analysis, I learned that something was damaged to me when I got that honor back when Cathy and I were classmates (it doesn't matter now who got the third). Have I not exerted extra effort to repair that damage last year, I would have bade PMA goodbye. But the more important issue here is that are we really learning the things that are important because of the recognition given to us by other people? Are those who excelled in their academics later on the people who were not validated as little children such that they became imprisoned by this constant search of being acknowledged as someone who has the brains?

I am still trying to think about this matter and I do not have a conclusion. Maybe lessons in life are learned in different ways and that there is not clear cut formula. As Cathy would put "trying to be smart is not that smart thing to do." I guess each of us will learn the lessons of life in a way that is unique to us. The same experience may not have the same effect to another person. What we get out of every experience we have will only be according to how we percieve it. We may stumble and learn that we must change our ways but in the end life is a series of mishaps that could cause us to fail or be our building blocks to being successful at any endeavor we will go into.

Cathy left the chatroom after around 30 minutes. I logged in to blogger and typed this thought. Maybe just like the lesson I learned in receiving that still contested third honor, I will also learn a lesson or two even in conversations with another person from another part of the country. This time around, I think Cathy will not argue with me anymore.

KC Concepcion, sending letters and leaps of faith

With nothing to do I retreat to the blog and just type away.

After writing my blog entry last night I remembered something that I thought of blogging but forgot it as I was so engrossed last night with my discovery of meebo. About a few days ago, I read about this write up of Ricky Lo about KC Concepcion having a reunion with her estranged father former teen star Gabby Concepcion. I read the whole thing according to the point of view of Sharon Cuneta's first born. You may find it weird but I do read the Entertainment Section of any newspaper I can get my hands on. I just find the life of those in the entertainment industry as interesting, even if some of the things that are published are cheap gossip or normal things that happen to all of us (the only difference is that theirs get to be exagerrated and placed where everyone can know about). Anyway going back to KC Concepcion, that article was something that sounds familiar to me. It was a revelation of how forgiveness can really set us free. About a couple of months ago, I read another article where KC said something that somehow implied the state of her relationship with her father. Reading that I kind of felt that I should talk to her about forgiving fathers. So reading the article I was talking about was somehow something that made me feel so good realizing that things that I have learned forgiving my father is not just true to me but to other people as well. For those who is not so familiar with what I am talking about just go here to know what I am saying.

I finally sent my letter for this week. Last Friday I started writing it, after 5 pages I decided I did not want to send it anymore so I stopped. Then Sunday I started a second letter. I wrote another three pages and then decided to stop, I did not want to send it again. The next days from Monday up to Wednesday was something that found me seated on my study table with a pen and a blank piece of paper in front of me. It wasn't that I did not know what to write her, it was because I wasn't sure if it was the time to tell her what was on my mind. Last night as I was trying to write again already worried because it was the middle of the week and I haven't wrote anything for her that I wanted to send, I tried to write again, this time though I was in some sort of trance where all I was thinking were the good things I remember of her, even the realizations that I had with myself writing her, being happy about her and all that. I went to bed without finishin the letter I was writing but I had the happiest moment alone as I think about her shortly before midnight. This afternoon, I wrote my letter again. After a few words, I decided to send the original letter I intended to send. I realized that the reason why I did not want to send it was because I was afraid. I was afraid of her possible reaction. Thinking deeper I was afraid to accept that I was really falling... for her. So I mastered enough courage, finished the letter, placed it inside the envelope change to another uniform and then sent it. Right now although I do not really feel good with how she might react, I'm glad I sent it. I am glad because it was a leap of faith of being honest despite of my hesitations and the uncertainty that lies ahead. I am glad because it wasn't something that was within reason it was simply following my heart.

In two day's time my brother will be celebrating his birthday so I am thinking of writing something about him in this blog for that ocassion. Sorry I am just a poor person with nothing to give as gift the least that I can do is to tell the whole world, or at least those reading this blog how much I appreciate the people that I love.

I guess that is all I can say for now... till then

A rundown of things

I have so many things in mind right now after not updating for several days. To be able to cover all of these thoughts, I will just make a rundown of the things that have happened, what I thought about it and just blog away as I always do, I promise to make sense.

A few days ago I read Cito Beltran's column in Philippine Star which he entitled Ordinary Pilipinos Lang. It was something about how we as a people consider ourselves and out countrymen as inferior thereby reducing the opportunitites of getting the best of what we are supposed to get. He pointed out that because we stereotype others as Ordinary Pilipinos Lang, we tend to reduce their capabilities and limit their contribution to many things in society. He pointed his own experience as a mere "talent" when he started as a broadcast journalist. He did not have benefits like the regulars and his only consolation that he was appearing in TV every now and then. It was good that he became the Cito Beltran that we know now but he wondered why he was merely a "talent" when the talent he acquired was something he studied for four long years in college. He then pointed out other workers that are mere contractual for the primary reason that they are Ordinary Pilipino Lang. They could have given more to their jobs if only they were not underestimated. All this goes back to our labor laws which allow these practices. These then allows businesses not to come up with good working conditions, just compensations and good benefits which boils down to lack of responsibility on the part of the employer. Putting it simply, they are treating these Ordinary Pilipinos (lang) as mere milking cows and worse, our government allows it.

I have contemplated on the matter of whether or not I am really in love or I am just in love with falling in love. It wasn't easy because I was a bit confused of whether or not I feel I am in love because of the girl or if it is because I just wanted to be in love. Honestly I wanted to be in love for the longest time but I always tried to be reasonable and not just decide without thinking things over. The reckoning point was one instant that still strikes me about this girl even as I try my best not to be overtaken by her. It was one morning after a very tiring day finishing the newsletter we were making. I was wide awake early in the morning maybe because of the body clock that I have developed as a cadet. I went out of the room while everyone else was still asleep. The sight at Caliraya was perfect, I was overlooking the mountains with the sun still peeking getting ready to rise. After sometime, I went back to the room and she was sleeping on the bed. She was covered in blankets and the little opening in the window allowed the rays of the sun to enter the room just enought to light her face. She was just so beautiful. I do not know if you have felt this but there are just some instances that you know you are seeing something that is divine. That is how I felt at that time. While the rest of the world was sleeping, I felt God talking to me through her and I started to weep. I went out of the room and said my prayer... Lord, guide my heart. I do not know if my explanation is valid but then again I know that I am not making it up, I do not expect people to believe me because this is entirely a personal thing I am just blogging about it to illustrate the point that Love is always from God. Hay nako, kinikilig ako...

I am being problematic again with my plebe. Earlier today I simply wanted to haze him just to correct him. I was just hopeless, I wanted to teach him a lesson so badly. But then again I remembered my vow and somehow I thought that I wouldn't be proving anything to him. I am losing my patience here maybe when I talk to him later I will just have to think of something... I do not know God please help me.

Well, this is the last week of Academics. By monday next week, I'm through with my only final exam only that I am not going anywhere outside PMA, I am confined. I am already contemplating on the things I can do. I guess I will just blog about the things that will happen while the rest of the Corps will go on vacation. Sorry people, no stories about books I will buy, people I will meet or places I will go to. I will be confined (literally) to pine trees, plebes and perhaps my never ending letter writing....

Empires, Voices and Naruto

My eyes are already aching. I spent the whole afternoon in front of the computer trying to finish my project, I mean our class project. For some reason the task of making the class project for my history class fell on my lap and. I finally gave up after realizing that I have been looking into a computer monitor for more than 5 hours already. I will just have to finish doing the project tomorrow when both my eyes and mind has rested, I just hope that I can still catch up and pass the project on time.

The service at the church today was something that I particularly like. I do not know why but there was just something with the service today that got me. I remember how observant the guest pastor was even concluding that our church is an exciting one and I think I agree to what he said. But let me blow your bubble, I am not to write somethign abhout how spiritual it was because the thing that struck me the most in that service was the duet done by our Chaplain and his wife. I do not know, I just can not help it but think so much about romance, one good Christian even said that maybe I am not actually in love with another person but I am in love with falling in love. I began a serious thought on that remark earlier and somehow I think that it could be correct. But I am not saying that it is correct. As far as I am concerned I am really just going along with what I am feeling and hoping very hard that in time I will know exactly what to do. I am not forcing anything I am just enjoying whatever it is that I am feeling right now, if at some point I will understand what it is really that I am going through (maybe realize that I am just really being crazy and not in love) at least I am sure that I did not do things my way and just allowed things to happen as it should. Anyway I am not to talk about that, I am to talk about the duet of Chaps with his lovely wife.

I once said to another friend that if ever I get married, she would have to be someone who can sing. Not that I would want to marry someone who can belch like Regine Velasquez but I just love singing and I hate it when people are out of tune even if it is none of my business. I just thought that if I get stuck with someone who sounds very bad, I might commit suicide. That is why Chaplain and Tita Zeny (thats the name of his wife) singing a duet in church was something that I really loved. It wasn' t that I was daydreaming again, I just was mesmerized with how their voices blended together superbly as if it was some divine melody. I could sense just by listening to their voices that they really are a loving couple and it is not always that we get that feeling. It was as if their voice were pieces of a puzzle that just fit perfectly.

I have no more idea what to write, I guess my mind has drained after thinking of Industrialism in Asia for the whole afternoon and trying to ask myself why the Muslim Empires were defeated. I will rest my mind now, I will not think of Empires, maybe I will just watch my room mates current addiction... Naruto.... hehehe have a good day people....

Imaginations

Pwede bang hini ko muna itutuloy yung series ko?

Reply: Pwede, by the looks lang sa'yo kaya yung blog

Thank you...

I was not able to sleep well yesterday afternoon. While my room mates were snoring away the afternoon, I was tossing and turning in my bunks (that's bed for you) trying to discard that thought that has constantly bothered me. Oh, bother is not exactly the word, it is just something that I can not get my mind off, it was fun but I just can not sleep because of it. Even as I was wrting the entry before this, my mind was wandering, I just have to force myself to squeeze out the remaining sense of me regarding that topic. This morning as I open my friendster account, I couldn't take it anymore, so I am writing it here, and perhaps just maybe something good will come out.

It is not easy being me. I mean with the finals fast approaching, everybody talking about what to do on break, the closer it gets, the weirder I feel. Its not that I feel so bad at not going on break, its just that the things that I will be missing is beginning to get a hold of me. Yesterday afternoon, I was imagining a dozen white roses early in the morning, with poetry attached. The words of that poem is somethign that I have not written but has constantly plagued my mind for say the past couple of months. I was thinking of beautiful hands against mine putting it above my heart as it beats nervously, not because I was afraid but because it can not take the happiness that it is experiencing. I was thinking of a beautiful romantic movie where the two people who watched it together are not talking. They are so focused on the movie being shown and it seems that they do not know each other. But inside that is not the case. Both of them are inside the movie, they are the main characters, when the two love birds in the movie kiss, both of them also wants to kiss each other. And yet they remain silent and it all seems that they are very much concentrated on the movie. When they finally go out, they proceed to the nearest restaurant where instead of ordering, they look into each others eyes as the waiter on their side impatiently waits for each of them to say a word. But they do not, little by little their hands are moving towards each other until finally they touch. Each hand is secured firmly to the other. They finally look at the waiter and in unison say, "Ice tea na lang." They pretend that they are not holding each other's hands so they talk. They started talking about the movie. Each of them are trying remember the details of the movie, analyze it and look intelligent for the other. The truth though is that both of them have not really "watched" the movie they just made it an excuse for them to be together. The whole time they were simply wishing that it will never end. Then the ice tea arrives. The waiter now is a lady who is clearly disturbed. She is disturbed because the two people that ordered the iced tea look so weird yet beautiful together. Thirty minutes after they were sitting, reality finally sank and they felt the hunger. They ordered their meals, ate it, paid for it and they were off. The light suddenly goes back and I realized that I had used up the whole afternoon just imagining. A little while, my snoring room mates started to wake up. I went to the sink (that's the bathroom) and I am back to reality. I am back inside the tiled barracks and will not be able to see freedom again in the next two months or so.

I am weird. My imaginations are weird but these are born of longings that only I could understand. Yesterday wasn't a blast but in my heart I knew what I was looking for. Thanks God.