Announcement

I just got back from Fort Magsaysay last night sorry for not saying goodbye but I promise to update as soon as possible...

The Mother's day that came and passed

I received all types of text messages yesterday for mother's day. They were telling me to greet my mother. My reply was "Patay na nga nanay ko eh."

Not to be rude or anything but come on my mother is dead, I do not want people reminding me that the second Sunday of May is the day for someone I have lost a long time ago. I'm sorry if I had to react that way, if people were on my shoes what would they do?

You see, I have not always been a person who remembered occasions like father's day, mother's day or any day for that matter. Its not that I am insensitive but its not just me to make a big deal about days that the world has declared to be the day of someone special in our lives. Of course, I do love the special people in my life, but I simply do not get the point of making a day special, I would like to think that because they are special, everyday should be their day.

Case #1

As I was walking in Public market yesterday with a friend, we were discussion about the so many things she wants to do for her mother. I respect the fact that she does want her mother to feel special, but then I told her, if I was a mother, it won't matter if I do not receive anything for mother's day as long as I have children I can be proud of.

Case #2

I was chatting the other day with yet another friend. She told me: "Ay manghihingi pala ako ng pero kay mommy para may pambili ako ng gift para sa kanya." I thought she was being cruel.

Please do not get me wrong people. I am not against people trying to make the effort to make someone feel special. I really do think that once in a while we have to tell people how much we appreciate them. I guess that is basically the reason why our culture has introduced the concept of mother's day (and all other's days). But then the thing is that for most of us it has become merely a day to make someone feel special rather than be reminded that we have someone special in our life. I suggest that these days should not be excuses to give out flowers to people that we care about but rather, these days should be our reminder that we have special people in our lives.

For a mother who has sacrificed so much for her children, everyday should be mother's day. I believe that the greatest gift a child can gift to his or her mother is to simply be a person that she can be proud of.

To all the children our there, I hope mother's day does not stop when the date changed yesterday.

To all the mothers... Happy mother's day...

Finally, to my deceased mother, I know I have not been always good, but I know when the time comes for us to meet again, I will tell you stories about the life that I lived and that you will be happy to hear all of it. I love you Mommy, I hope you knew that when you left us.

The kid that I used to know

Finding a childhood friend in Friendster kind of reminded me of the many childhood memories I had. I can not help it but laugh at the so many things that happened in childhood that I do not seem to care about so much but in fact, are happy memories. Well to the friends who were part of those memories, here is a trip down memory lane.

I do not remembering living in any other house other than the one that we have now in Lower Antipolo but I was told we transferred there when I was two years old. Considering that our subdivision was a housing project of the AFPMBAI, most of those who live there are either in the Military or in the Police. Its not really a wonder why this place is called Katarungan Village.

I still do not understand why little children just can't be told to stop playing. In our house there was a simple rule, sleep in the afternoon and you can only go out after three in the afternoon. For some reason I do not want to sleep and I will just stare outside from the window waiting for the time I can go out. Then my aunt sees me looks me over and discovers that I did not take the required afternoon nap, suddenly I am not allowed to go out and I spend the rest of the afternoon staring at the window, ogling at the kids playing outside. The next day the same thing happens and I begin to wonder what is it that my aunt is looking for to say that I have taken my nap. After sometime, I discovered it was the eyes. When she looks me over shortly before I am allowed to go out, she will look for the "sleeping signs" on my eyes. Well that was easy, after sometime I was sure that I will go out every three in the afternoon. Shortly before three, about five minutes before my aunt will begin her inspection, I would push my face to the sofa. After a few minutes, I will pretend to be groggy and as I look up to my aunt, I have the "sleeping signs."

And then there was this fascination about super powers at a time when I idolized the likes of Bioman, Maskman all those Japanese kid shows. Well, I too have my super powers (ha ha). I was with my other playmates, of course there were also five of us, all the others become sidekicks. We did what normal kids do, pretend that we were grown ups (that have super powers that is). Walk around the village as if we own it, fight with one another just to end up playing together again. I guess all kids have been through that stage.

In our little community, it was as if life was not a problem and all we cared about was to be able to play the next day with our playmates. At the time when the country was suffering from power shortage and there was brown-out everyday, we loved it. We loved it because we will be allowed to go out at night and play hide and seek. During the 1989 coup, when tanks were around our village so that the rebel soldiers can not go home to their families (as I said almost everyone in our village were either in the Police or the Military), we played just the same while our fathers are out there fighting each other. The truth is I loved it because I can brag at school that there are tanks in our village. It's funny how things can be so simple for little kids.

I wish I did not grow up, but I did and soon all of us seemed like strangers. Each of us either developed new circles of friends, moved to another place or just be contented at staying at home and watching TV. We do not fight anymore because we barely talked and every once in a while we see each other waiting for a ride going out of the village, we just nod at each other and that's it. Every now and then we get to talk about things but its as if everyone is just trying to live life and be controlled by it, I wonder how it came to that.

Yesterday, I was browsing through different Friendster accounts when I recognized a familiar pretty face. I could feel her super powers(ngeks), she was one of the "chosen" five who were gifted with the power to be like Bioman. Considering my isolation and lack of social life in this place, it was something that gave me so much joy, I was just so happy to find a childhood friend that I have not seen in almost ten years. Well, our lives are different now, she seems to be leaning into becoming a member of the millionaire's club while I'm becoming a soldier, just like our dads. I reminded her how I used to make her cry and call her all sorts of names and its good that she did not remember most of it. Other than that, for the first time in so many years, I remembered how fun it was to be a kid. Its not like I hate the fact that I have to worry about how I am going to have enough savings for my future, how I am going to live this life independently and be a productive member of society. Its more of going back to the simple joys of being able to play with friends and not caring about the power problems of the country. Or bragging about tanks and be the center of attention at a time when the country's government is in deep trouble, or simply having super powers. I realized that as we grew and our lives became more and more complicated, we have forgotten the simple joys that we enjoyed as little children. Somehow, I could say that these memories remain in our hearts for the reason that in all of the challenges we face each day, we have to take the backseat and enjoy the little joys of life.

Thanks Thea for reminding me :)

Unearthing the feeling

I want to write about a thought that has occupied me since last night, but I do not know where to start. I tried getting inspiration from my previous entries and although I remember the feelings I had in writing those, I do not know how to unearth the feelings I have right now. Finally I decided to just repost the entries those entries and let it linger.

This entry is taken from this blog about a year ago:

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The prayer of a longing heart

"...It was not long ago when I started feeling differently about the things that are happening to me. This different feeling has developed into a longing for something or rather for someone. Believe it or not there is never a day that I do not think of that someone. A few months ago I decided that I will just wait how things will come. I will never be aggressive, I will never push my luck. I decided to stand firm in my convictions that love will come in a manner that only God dictates. The letters that I wrote her once a week became an activity that I looked forward to and for no apparent reason my life suddenly drifted around her. It's surprising because she never replied to any of the letters I sent her and yet each day I grow more and more engrossed by my feelings. I continued to ponder on this finding reason but finally just believing that something is happening outside my understanding. The love letter that I wrote a few days ago was something that came out just by thinking about her while my entries has somewhat revolved on topics about love. The Formal Dinner last Saturday although a disaster became somewhat of a cause for anticipation of next year's Formal Dinner. The talk of our rings coming and other class memorabilia do not come to me as a sign of achieving my dreams but a reminder that there has to be someone with me when I achieve my dreams. Maybe I am just imagining things, seeing everything as a reflection of something that I do not have but I remembered my prayer a long long time ago I realized she was the one, I said to God "Lord, guide my heart." I gave it all up to Him the moment I felt that tickle in my system and I am believing that it still is. With all the "funny" feelings I have I can just be hopeful and continue to believe in the beauty of this wonderful journey that I am going through. I guess I really am in love, by all means my heart tells me that I am in that state and I am finally accepting it. As I stand in silence talking to God in one dark corner with several others saying their own concerns, I finally admitted to God that I love her and I am trusting God to do what He has to do."

God, should I still go on??

A mother's legacy (the conclusion)

(Note: This is part of a series of stories dedicated to my mother who passed away last 13 April 2000. Her birthday is on April 27th)

Living the legacy

Most people would say that one of the hardest thing to experience in this world is to lose a parent. I also thought of that before. When I learned of my mother's cancer, I can not even bare the thought of losing her forever. Thinking about how life has been since she was gone, not much has changed except that this time there will be no mother to call me up in the phone and just talk to me.

I could be the most talkative person in the world. I realized that to a certain extent this has been shaped by my experience with the relationship I had with my mother. I could say that the love I have for her was nurtured by endless conversations that was done from different sides of the world. I could really bond with people just by being able to talk to them. I have also developed the ability to write my thoughts well and really express my heart out in the words that I use. Its because in so many times when I feel I really had to tell my mother something, I just have to write it.

When I first published part one of this series, I received a comment that I have no intention to approve but will just state it in this entry. The comment said that my experience (particularly this one) caused me to "f*ck up with relationships". I do not have idea how that person came up with that conclusion but I beg to disagree. I realized that the kind of people we become is a reflection of the parents we have even if they are not with us all the time. My mother did not have the opportunity to nurture me the way other parents had but I could say that I came out better than my other peers. I am proud to say that I never went into drugs (not even tried) and did not go to jail. Somehow, I could conclude that parenting is the perfect example of leadership by example. A parent does not have to be with us all the time, they just have to set the example of how is to be a person and by God's grace everything else follows. I may not be the best person there is out there but I know I am not a bad one either. In my journey, I have done so many things, both good and bad, but I know whether or not people will agree with me, I have not failed my mother into becoming the person that she can be proud of. If she can see me now, I know she is happy with the way I turned out.

So what is it really that my mother has left in me as an enduring legacy? Let me answer that by narrating something that happened between me and my brother. As I said, I have done things that are bad and that caused a big quarrel with my brother. I was ashamed of myself and did not want to show my face to my brother. Finally, when I was confronted by my brother my mother's legacy lingered. He said that no matter how bad I have become, he knows that my mother will never want us to be enemies over anything no matter how big. Up to this day, the words of my brother still linger in me. What he was telling me was that, he values relationships more than the problems. He values our being brothers more than whatever it is that I have done. He loved me more than anything else in this world. My mother's legacy is that. To love with all of one's heart no matter how hard the circumstances are and to believe in the enduring capability of unconditional love.

I was the last son to see my mother before she died. It was in the middle of March 2000, almost a month before she past away. It was in a small nipa hut, she was weak but she had the eyes that was simply happy. Again, there were no words just moments of being together and what I did not know was that it was to be the last time that I will touch her. When I finally left her, she hugged me very tightly. It was as if she knew it would be the last time she will be able to do it. I walked away with my tears rolling down my cheeks, it was indeed the last time.

Now I write this testament to a mother that made me the person that I am right now. My story is not very happy nor did it end with living happily ever after. But my story is a reality that many of us has overlooked. The reality that love endures forever... even beyond death.

The End