A son to a father

A long time ago, I realized that part of the struggle of parents in raising their children is to finally accept that the children that they reared can finally live life on their own. For the longest time, I wondered why it seemed that my father was not trusting me in the things that I want to do with my life. It seemed to me that he wanted to control me and I hated it. Later did I know that parents are just PARENTS, this is my story.

I did not have the best of relationship with my father growing up (see last years tribute ). For the longest time, I hated him. When the time came that I finally decided to let go of my hatred and just be a son to him, my struggle was how to be a son to a father who was trying to catch up with the time we lost because of our struggles.

My father was the typical military man even when he was a father, he was hard at expressing emotions. He can be a very good speaker in front of a crowd but he finds it hard to really express how he feels especially to his children. All his good intentions are being misinterpreted or sometimes ignored simply because he failed to communicate what he wanted to show on the things that he wants to do. In the end, animosity develops between his children and the relationship is damaged.

But the thing with parents and children is that although they hate each other, one can not avoid the other. They are perpetually connected by some divine magic that a parent can not stop being a parent to his or her children in the same way that a child can not stop being a child to his or her parent. Believe it or not, no matter how much we hate our parents, we still want to be their children. And so there I was, a father that I was trying to understand when he simply finds it hard to really make me understand. But because the connection persists, a time just comes when that understanding is achieved, this happened one Christmas Eve.

We were waiting for Christmas and my father already had a lot to drink. With nothing else to do the stories went from one topic to another and yes... In vino veritas. As Christmas neared, my father answered some of the questions in my life that has haunted me since the time that I could remember. Questions like, why separate with my mother, why leave her and all that, these are questions that were left unanswered which later became the root of my hatred. As each of my question was answered, for the first time, I felt that just like me he deserved a second chance. At that moment I understood that he was trying so hard to be a father but I wouldn't let him. I realized that no matter how hard we fight it parents will be parents.

The reason why I am saying all this all goes back to my original contention that the hardest part in parenthood is finally letting go of ones children and allowing them to live their own lives. About a few weeks ago, my father came here and we had a little chat. Our chats now range from the things that happen in the house up to the problems that the country is facing. It was an engaging conversation, one that we did not have for quite a while since I am always here. In that conversation, I felt how much he wanted to say that he loves me only that he does not know how. I felt how proud he is of me only that he did not know what to say to express it. I guess that perpetual connection I am saying is something that is of the heart. A connection that marks the relationship between a father and a son that can never be broken. It is a connection that will allow understanding between the two only if we are sensitive enough to recognize it. As Blaise Pascal would put it: The heart has a language of its own that only the heart understands. I felt then that he was realizing how I was slowly slipping away. I was slipping away because I was already making a life of my own and he knew it was the time to let go.

Today is Daddy's birthday and I'm hoping he reads this. He doesn't have to worry of letting go because we are perpetually connected by some divine magic that whatever happens I will be his son and he will be my Dad. The love that has brought us together and allowed as to go through all the challenges of the life we had will continue to see us through no matter the odds. Life as I know it will not be complete without him being a major player on it. I really just pray that he knows that. Happy birthday Daddy.

Thinking to myself

I have noticed that more than the the many things that I write in this blog, I really just think to myself about ideas that are in my head. Usually, these are the things that I do not have people to share it with. These are my cheesy ideas about romance, my rantings about the system that I am into but can not do anything about and sometimes, just things that are not so fit with the stereotype associated with the people I am with.

About two years ago, I delivered my first speech for our Local Toastmaster's Club here in the Academy. Since it was the first, it did not have a definite topic and that was a relief. My topic was: "My own little world." I talked about retreating to our own little world when we feel so stressed or burdened about the things that are not so well in the real world. I remember closing it by saying that:

"I do not know if you got something out of what I have been saying to the last couple of minutes. Considering that most of you here are accomplished speakers there is a greater chance that you'll think I am not doing this the way it should be done. But then again, I can just retreat to my own little world and say that I delivered a good speech and I'll be fine"

True to those words, I guess this blog is more of like "my own little world." This is beyond the confident look I have to wear when giving instructions to my subordinate. This is revealing the fears that I have that I do not share with others. This is just me, some place where I can just be myself free from the roles that I have to assume.

I guess all of us do have our own little world. Someplace that totally frees us from what is expected of us and just be who we really want to be. I remember a conversation I had with a friend last year when we were talking about responsibilities. I remember her saying that it is always my choice so I should not be blaming others when I get so pressured with the responsibilities I have to fulfill. But beyond that conversation, I realized that the best way to really live this life is to be true to that little world. Not that I am saying, we should stop being responsible, but rather we should strive to be true to who we really are.

Forgive me but ideas are just flowing. I think that maybe it is because we have not developed the confidence in ourselves that we'd rather submit to the sure way of being accepted. I, too, am guilty of that, but I think its a phase that all of us go through as we try to discover ourself and find our place in this world. I think that as we mature in this life, we let go of our insecurities and become more comfortable with the kind of person we are and then live according to it. I think that is why most older people seem to be that "learned." The thought that really struck me is that the more we strive to be more comfortable with the way we are, we learn to deal with it and after sometime we take that risk to let people deal with it also. I realized that although most people would say that they just want to be happy without hurting people, all of us will want to be known to people as the persons that we really are, including our faults, our shortcomings and even our idiosyncrasies. The truth really does set us free.

So finally, I say that life is that continuous journey of being free. By being free, I mean freedom from all other things and live it according to how we are wired. As I said, I am just thinking to myself but then as I end this, I am also hoping that in the future, I will not just think to myself but say aloud what is it really that defines me as a person. It will come.

Amazing Blogs: When Hanna soared

To live a dream is to be truly alive. A few months ago, I was spending a lot of conversation with a friend on a single topic... following our dream. I will not claim that I am an expert of it but I really believe in my heart that dreams are God's whispers in our hearts that direct us to a path that He has carved out for us. Because he placed in there, He will see us through it.

Hanna is a good friend. I could say that despite of not really being able to see each other, we have developed a friendship that I am happy about. In the few instances that her name appears in YM when I go online, we simply bond. A few months ago, she shared to me how it seemed to her that she is in some rough road. A state in her life when she simply does not know what to do with her life. She has a good and stable job, but she hates it and it seemed to me that something in her heart wants more of what life has to offer. Finally, she took a leap of faith and witnessed a miracle.

Her new blog chronicles her adventures with a program called Up with People. I do not want to tell the story of how it happened that she's suddenly travelling on 19 cities, 7 countries and 3 continents but her dream is a miracle from God. An inspiration for each of us to heed that desire in our hearts and pursue our dreams.

I am happy that she is living her dream. After all the worrying and the fears that she had God gave her a miracle. At the end of it all just as Santiago learned in The Alchemist, When you want something deep in your heart, the universe will conspire to make it happen. I'm vouching for that and I'm sure Hanna is also.

Ang salitang ugat

Pag iniisip kong magpapakaserious ako malamang lamang panay ka kornihan ang naiisip ko at hindi ko tuloy magets kung paano ko naisip yung mga sinusulat ko. Sa dami dami ba naman ng tumatakbo sa utak ko araw na madalas ay hanggang imagination ko na lang, ano nga ba ang magagawa ko... kundi isulat sa munting blog na ito para kahit papaano ay mawala naman ang utak ko sa mga bagay bagay na hindi ko naman masyadong gusto pero kailangan kong pagtyagaan.

Ang totoo, kanina pa nakabukas ang window na ito. Sabi ko kanina magsusulat ako, pero nung tumambad na sa akin wala na namang pumapasok sa utak ko. Ang nangyari nagpalipat lipat ako sa iba't ibagn website hanggang sa maubos na ang oras ko. Ngayon ito na naman ako, wala pa ring kabuluhan, pero at least may naisusulat ako, kaysa kanina na talagang blangko...

Hindi ko talaga carry ang tagalog....

I find it weird that I speak tagalog but do not feel good writing in the language. I must have been so used to the English language tha my hand feels so at home on the keyboard when the words that I form are those from the English Language. But then again, I love the language. I really hate it when some people will keep on speaking on the language despite of the knowledge that the people they are talking to know how to speak tagalog. I just hate it, I feel like they are making me feel that they are better since they speak in the language. I beg to disagree.

It's not just once that I have been to gatherings that require some form of social status to enjoy it. Well for some people, its natural for them to blabber out English words as if its really their first language only to be dismayed when I answer them in the language that I love.. that is Tagalog. For one, I do not see the point of speaking in a language that is not our native tongue when we know for sure that the person we are talking to knows tagalog. In most cases, I really think that these people has this kind of illusion that they are "cooler" by the fact that they speak a foreign language. I can just laugh at the reaction on their faces when I insist to address them in Tagalog until finally they loose the mask and we speak in a language that we understand... that is Tagalog.

Ironic as it seems, I find myself more comfortable writing in a language that is not my native tongue. Again, I think its more of a habit so please do not take it against me or am I just eating up my own words?

Inside these Television Shows

There are just times when I choose to be cheesy and today is one of those.

Believe it or not but dramas seem to have an effect on me that I can practically spend my day engrossed with all the emotions a certain show wants to impose (ang pangit ng word wala lang akong maisip.. thesaurus HELP!!). Just this morning, I was finally done watching all four seasons of the OC still hating the fact that I do not know what happens to the love story of the main character Ryan. But of course, I will not be doing a review of the series that I watched, I'll basically deal with those shows that I loved.

When we were little, we use to watch Matt Lock early in the morning. I was about ten years old then and it was shown early in the morning at RPN 9 around 5 just about the time when we were about to wake up to start the day. The show was a legal drama with Matt Lock as the main character (of course). I did not understand much of the legalities at that time, I just enjoyed it when at the end the main character is able to defend his client well even if I did not understand how the court proceedings went.

During holy week, I would spend the whole day watching the marathon of 7th Heaven. There was also the time when during weekends, there was a marathon of Beverly Hills 90210 at Studio 23. I loved these shows and I hate it when I miss an episode. Of course there was also Meteor Garden. I did not watch it on television but spent two days watching all of the first season and another two days of the second season. I then moved on to Winter Sonatta and Summer Solstice. That was the time when Asian telenovelas was a hit in the country. Of course, there is also the addiction to Smallville that made me watch the whole 5 seasons straight without sleeping. I could remember how I seem to be mesmerized by the stories of this shows that I watch that I usually end up feeling so emotionally involved with the events and how I do not know what happens next.

Last year, a friend lent me the complete season of Lover's in Paris and spent a week (that is considering that I am a cadet whose schedule is rigid) watching all of it. About two weeks ago, I bought all 4 season's of One Tree Hill, then the OC and Numb3ers. I'm already done with the first two and currently on the third one. I guess it can never be denied that I do enjoy these shows, cheesy as they are.

As I was trying to compose this blog, I kind of think of the reasons why I love watching shows like these. I wonder why I like the Lucas-Peyton tandem better than the Lucas-Brooke tandem. I still hate the fact that Marissa was an important character in the life of Ryan when she's practically a b*tch. I love the way how some characters can be so bad, or so b*tchy yet show a human side that everyone would love to have. I like it when no matter how things are, the end is always some realization that is very much close to our hearts. At the back of my mind I can just think of how the events unfolded and somehow feel good about my existence. Although there are times when I hate how a story develops, I still watch it hoping that in the end good will triumph evil.

In the many shows that I have watched, I could understand why life is so colorful just as how I really see it. I feel that no matter how things are, life is easier lived when we know that somewhere in the future there is this assurance(no matter how little) that all will turn out well. I do believe that in the end I will live happily ever after.

I guess, our enemy of not living this life to the fullest is our tendency to be shortsighted resulting to becoming selfish and impatient. In the many shows that I have watched and considering the many troubles the characters have been caught up with, there is this greatness to the fact that in the end the virtues of love, friendship and family becomes the redeeming factor in it. Whether you agree with me or not, these are the virtues that also redeems even in real life.

All of us will find lessons in the things that we experience. For me, its inside one of those crying scenes, arguments or even tragedies that I see in the drama series that I love to watch. The important thing, I should say, is that no matter what happens, we stay in touch with reality and live this life in hopeful aspiration of the goodness that is abounding everywhere.

Be careful... Strive to be Happy.