Goal or the Process?

My greatest enemy now is impatience. In the last few months, I have been counting the days wishing that I can do the things that I wanted to do. I thought I have already learned patience but I guess learning it never ceases.

Yesterday, I realized that it was the last day of July. The month is going to change again and it was a good feeling knowing that the time really is moving. As I was trying to fill up my PRT (as in Physical Readiness Test, its a monthly thing to monitor physical readiness), I had to do some push-ups and sit-ups so that I can comply with what is written in that form. If I wait for it then I will never be able to fill up that form truthfully. As I was doing the exercises, I suddenly understood how time flies without me realizing it. I thought that once the date changes, I will never be able to put it back in the same way that I will never be able to fulfill the requirements of the form I was filling up.

The same is true with so many things in our life. At one point we want so many things to happen in an instance and then when we finally get it we want to get back to the time of dreaming. I just realized that when we want things we forget the whole process of getting it. I wonder now if the goal is more important than the process?

As I said I get impatient a lot these days. Like this entry, I hate that the words do not seem to coincide with how I feel. A while ago I started taking another of my long walks. When I get emotional, everything appears to me in a deeper way and I almost wanted to cry thinking about all the things that have happened to me in the place that I was seeing. The truth of the matter is, the reason why I am feeling all this nostalgic is because I suddenly realized how lonely I am (again). I realized that I have been trying my best in the past days not to think about the things that I wanted to do and suddenly all the emotions that I have been ignoring came crashing through me. I found myself dreaming again of the things that I could not have at the moment. This morning, I received an e-mail from one person that I like to receive one. Reading it made me so happy that I hated the fact that I was here. That plus certain events that happened.

Again I ask the question, what is more important: the goal or the process?

Death in Deathly Hallows: A review of Harry Potter Book 7

Harry Potter have indeed grown. In the Deathly Hallows he was finally the Hero that most of his fans have wanted. The bold one and as the book would put it: someone who would do things for the greater good.

From the sad conclusion of Book 6 with Albus Dumbledore dying and Voldemort in the rampage, everyone knew that the last and final book was to have the answer to all the mysteries that plague the series of books about the young wizard. As all Harry Potter books do, it begins at the Dursleys, Potter's Muggle family.

Harry is already aware of the danger that he was to go into. He knew particularly well that the task Dumbledore left him before his death was not easy and it was the time to do it. The Order of Phoenix being his sole protector was in his defense when he had another encounter with his nemesis while being transported to the safety of the Weasley's Burrow. This very incident led to the first death in the book. This was to be the start of being the hunted as Voldemort siezes power in the Wizarding world and begins a reign of terror.

The first half of the story seemed to drag on the plot of hiding from Voldemort and finding the other Horcruxes. I feel that it took a while for J. K. Rowling to put direction to the quest of the three heroes (Ron, Hermione and Harry of course). I also think that it was because she was trying to explain all the mysteries that she left unanswered in the previous books. This was added by the new idea of the Deathly Hallows which also has to be explained. Harry travelled from place to place discovering things and getting answers especially those from his parents. The thing with all the travelling and moving was it seemed to dwell too much on issues about Harry's personality which was a bit boring. But then again, he is Harry Potter so the magic and the anticipation of getting the answers to all the questions I had kept me glued to the book.

The Battle at Hogwarts was, I should say, a redeeming part of the book since it gathered all of the characters in one place to make their stand against Voldemort. It was a fitting finale that allowed all the characters to show what they were really made off. Like the end part of the Book 5 where Dumbledore's Army fought with the Order of the Phoenix, magical duels really are fun and that covered up for the earlier part that seemed to exclude all of them.

It dragged again when a whole chapter was devoted into explaining the real score about Snape. I do feel that Snape had to be redeemed only that I do not agree with how it was done. I feel that his redemption should have been scattered throughout the whole book. I also feel that the explanation was done "forcefully" (read the book to understand what I mean).

Finally, Harry and Voldemort's duel was not as fantastic as I thought it would be. Although it was good that for the first time Voldemort was found out to have weakness, the duel was just not how I expected it to be.

The book could be over rated if I may say. Its release came at the exact playdate of the movie of its 5th installment. Also, there was just too much mystery to explain and it had to be done in the final book. Some say that the explanation of all the mysteries was the way to weave all the seven books as one story. I do agree with that, but then again, I still think that it would have been better if it was not done forcefully. I also think that there were so many deaths that was a bit uncalled for. I feel that those who died would have been elevated if their death was chronicled in such a way as to portray nobility (like that of the elf).

I still am a Harry Potter fan but I just have to say that I am disappointed with the final book. With an epilogue that happened 19 years after, I do not think J.K. Rowling will have a chance to redeem herself for not sustaining the magic of Harry Potter.

Anyway, I also have other questions: How did the Sword of Gryffindor came into the possession of Neville?

The dreams that we live

After my class today, I decided I do not want to stay inside my room anymore. I figured if I went back to reading Harry Potter (yes its Book 7 hehehe, I had it the day it was in the stores) I will not be able to do anything productive anymore, so I said I'll go on "pasyal." My "pasyal" took me to the library and amazingly in front of the computer (its not like PMA has a lot of "pasyal" places). Catching up with people through the net (since I am totally detached from the cellphone) I realized that it is the birthday of a very good friend and that another friend will be leaving for the States tomorrow for a scholarship. So I will tell the story about this two people. They are in fact special people in my life.

At a time when I did not know what to do with my life, we were dreaming together. One would wonder how the three of us became friends. I was a person with a lot to say about things, another one was a scientist who can lecture you about the composition of the DNA and another is a beautiful girl who is definitely a head turner. The thing with the three of us was that we met at a time when we were just trying to figure out what to do with our lives. We were at a point in our life when life was uncertain.

For me, I eventually got what I wanted. I went back to PMA and here I am now counting the days until I'm done. The beautiful girl has also found a place of her own. Although I know how she hates being analyzed, I can sense in our little interactions that she is happy where she is. And finally, the Dexter's apprentice, she's leaving the country to pursue her dream.

That realization lead me to think about the things that happen in our lives. The path that we take even during the times when we were not very certain of the future. Thinking about all of it reminds me of the beauty that this life has to offer. The graciousness of God that never fails to touch us as long as we wait. In the 5 years that I have known these people. Much has changed and with the way things are going on in our life now, it seems that it will be a while before the three of us will be gathered in one place and talk about the things that have happened since the day we became friends. But I guess in all of it, the best thing is the realization that indeed life will turn out fine we just have to live it and deal with it.

To those who are at a point of finding out the direction of their life, the key there is to just live it and continue to trust.

A son to a father

A long time ago, I realized that part of the struggle of parents in raising their children is to finally accept that the children that they reared can finally live life on their own. For the longest time, I wondered why it seemed that my father was not trusting me in the things that I want to do with my life. It seemed to me that he wanted to control me and I hated it. Later did I know that parents are just PARENTS, this is my story.

I did not have the best of relationship with my father growing up (see last years tribute ). For the longest time, I hated him. When the time came that I finally decided to let go of my hatred and just be a son to him, my struggle was how to be a son to a father who was trying to catch up with the time we lost because of our struggles.

My father was the typical military man even when he was a father, he was hard at expressing emotions. He can be a very good speaker in front of a crowd but he finds it hard to really express how he feels especially to his children. All his good intentions are being misinterpreted or sometimes ignored simply because he failed to communicate what he wanted to show on the things that he wants to do. In the end, animosity develops between his children and the relationship is damaged.

But the thing with parents and children is that although they hate each other, one can not avoid the other. They are perpetually connected by some divine magic that a parent can not stop being a parent to his or her children in the same way that a child can not stop being a child to his or her parent. Believe it or not, no matter how much we hate our parents, we still want to be their children. And so there I was, a father that I was trying to understand when he simply finds it hard to really make me understand. But because the connection persists, a time just comes when that understanding is achieved, this happened one Christmas Eve.

We were waiting for Christmas and my father already had a lot to drink. With nothing else to do the stories went from one topic to another and yes... In vino veritas. As Christmas neared, my father answered some of the questions in my life that has haunted me since the time that I could remember. Questions like, why separate with my mother, why leave her and all that, these are questions that were left unanswered which later became the root of my hatred. As each of my question was answered, for the first time, I felt that just like me he deserved a second chance. At that moment I understood that he was trying so hard to be a father but I wouldn't let him. I realized that no matter how hard we fight it parents will be parents.

The reason why I am saying all this all goes back to my original contention that the hardest part in parenthood is finally letting go of ones children and allowing them to live their own lives. About a few weeks ago, my father came here and we had a little chat. Our chats now range from the things that happen in the house up to the problems that the country is facing. It was an engaging conversation, one that we did not have for quite a while since I am always here. In that conversation, I felt how much he wanted to say that he loves me only that he does not know how. I felt how proud he is of me only that he did not know what to say to express it. I guess that perpetual connection I am saying is something that is of the heart. A connection that marks the relationship between a father and a son that can never be broken. It is a connection that will allow understanding between the two only if we are sensitive enough to recognize it. As Blaise Pascal would put it: The heart has a language of its own that only the heart understands. I felt then that he was realizing how I was slowly slipping away. I was slipping away because I was already making a life of my own and he knew it was the time to let go.

Today is Daddy's birthday and I'm hoping he reads this. He doesn't have to worry of letting go because we are perpetually connected by some divine magic that whatever happens I will be his son and he will be my Dad. The love that has brought us together and allowed as to go through all the challenges of the life we had will continue to see us through no matter the odds. Life as I know it will not be complete without him being a major player on it. I really just pray that he knows that. Happy birthday Daddy.

Thinking to myself

I have noticed that more than the the many things that I write in this blog, I really just think to myself about ideas that are in my head. Usually, these are the things that I do not have people to share it with. These are my cheesy ideas about romance, my rantings about the system that I am into but can not do anything about and sometimes, just things that are not so fit with the stereotype associated with the people I am with.

About two years ago, I delivered my first speech for our Local Toastmaster's Club here in the Academy. Since it was the first, it did not have a definite topic and that was a relief. My topic was: "My own little world." I talked about retreating to our own little world when we feel so stressed or burdened about the things that are not so well in the real world. I remember closing it by saying that:

"I do not know if you got something out of what I have been saying to the last couple of minutes. Considering that most of you here are accomplished speakers there is a greater chance that you'll think I am not doing this the way it should be done. But then again, I can just retreat to my own little world and say that I delivered a good speech and I'll be fine"

True to those words, I guess this blog is more of like "my own little world." This is beyond the confident look I have to wear when giving instructions to my subordinate. This is revealing the fears that I have that I do not share with others. This is just me, some place where I can just be myself free from the roles that I have to assume.

I guess all of us do have our own little world. Someplace that totally frees us from what is expected of us and just be who we really want to be. I remember a conversation I had with a friend last year when we were talking about responsibilities. I remember her saying that it is always my choice so I should not be blaming others when I get so pressured with the responsibilities I have to fulfill. But beyond that conversation, I realized that the best way to really live this life is to be true to that little world. Not that I am saying, we should stop being responsible, but rather we should strive to be true to who we really are.

Forgive me but ideas are just flowing. I think that maybe it is because we have not developed the confidence in ourselves that we'd rather submit to the sure way of being accepted. I, too, am guilty of that, but I think its a phase that all of us go through as we try to discover ourself and find our place in this world. I think that as we mature in this life, we let go of our insecurities and become more comfortable with the kind of person we are and then live according to it. I think that is why most older people seem to be that "learned." The thought that really struck me is that the more we strive to be more comfortable with the way we are, we learn to deal with it and after sometime we take that risk to let people deal with it also. I realized that although most people would say that they just want to be happy without hurting people, all of us will want to be known to people as the persons that we really are, including our faults, our shortcomings and even our idiosyncrasies. The truth really does set us free.

So finally, I say that life is that continuous journey of being free. By being free, I mean freedom from all other things and live it according to how we are wired. As I said, I am just thinking to myself but then as I end this, I am also hoping that in the future, I will not just think to myself but say aloud what is it really that defines me as a person. It will come.