Its not about the question

"Ours is not to question WHY but to know the WHO behind it"

I remember this quote as I say my little prayer this morning for the death of 2Lt Ariel M Toledo, PMA Class of 2006.

Most people would remember him as the subject of a recent Maalaala Mo Kaya episode or the valedictorian of the biggest class to graduate from this Academy. For me, I remember him as that jolly upperclass who made me run at least two checkpoints (that's about 5.5 Km distance of roadrun each) for not fixing my bunks properly, The Company Commander who tutored me and my classmates in Calculus, or simply the cadet who taught us how to smile despite of the pressures in our training as cadets. Yesterday, he succumbed to the rare bile duct cancer after more than a year of fighting the disease. Why do good people die?

In an article I read from Panorama Magazine a few days back, a columnist wrote about understanding why bad things happen in this world and asked the simple question: WHY? Thinking about it now, the question is valid. In my lifetime, I have lost an uncle to the brutalities of the NPA, a cousin (my favorite cousin that is) to an unknown brain condition and a mother to cancer of the cervix. One can not blame me if there are times that I just talk to God and ask him why people that I love had to die and yet I see bad people around me living their lives without any care for the rest of the world. I read about lives great men who died of malaria (like that of Alexander the Great) or in their sleep while down hard criminals escape bullets being fired at them. I wonder why despite of all the good things that I want to do, I end up finding myself in deeper trouble while those who do not care about anything can get away with even the gravest offense. I ask why.

Yesterday, I wrote an e-mail to someone. I was very emotional writing it trying to put into words my feelings without really giving so much ideas about why I was even that emotional in the first place. The thing with writing that e-mail was that in my emotions are little confusions as I find myself looking out for the best of the things to come yet so sorry for myself because that is all I can do, to hope. I realized that in everything in this world I can really just hope. But in this hope I learned that the mere act of being hopeful for the good things is a journey towards self discovery. It is a journey that allows a person to understand the real meaning of this life and not be encumbered by the uncertainties that accompanies it. The fact that good people die is never a reason for us to stop being good people in the same way that bad people escaping justice is not an excuse to be bad. The thing is our life is not about those who are able to go on with their lives or lack of it but rather on the kind of person that we become as we live each day fulfilling a purpose that has been drawn out for us. We can choose to love or to hate but to choose hate knowing that it is the wrong choice is simply stupid.

The life that we live is not about those that we have lost but on what is there to gain. The lives of those already lost is never a lost because in reality they have lived a life where lessons and memories can be gathered to make us better people. Life is so wonderful that spending it by trying to understand it diminishes all the beauty it has.

I do not know the answer to the question why nor do I want to give an answer based on my belief system, but what is real is that being alive has a lot to do with living it rather than questioning it.

For Fides

I was looking at pictures of the recent wedding of my cousin. It kind of gave me memories, fond memories that is.

Back in the days when I was searching for direction in my life, I used to spend the best times of those with her. I remember the first time she was in Dumaguete telling her things about the place since I was already there for a while. I introduced her to my other cousin on the mother side (she's my cousing on the father side). She seemed to be shy and after that little introduction I did not have an idea that they were to become friends. Anyway, I go back to manila, go to PMA, got discharged and when back to Dumaguete. Of course, I have to meet my relatives my two cousins (from both sides) included. I started introducing myself as the cousin of so and so. The response was surprising. In the time that I was not in Dumaguete, the two seemed to have become close. The have become friends and introduced themselves as "cousins". They said that it was because it takes a while to explain that she is the cousin of the cousin of the he so just to make it simple they are cousins. Now when I come back, people wonder how I get in the picture when the two are cousins, I must be pretending.

Well, the male cousin (the one on the mother side) died a few years after that. I considered him my favorite cousin. Of course, my other cousin will not argue anymore whose my "more favorite" since the other one died. But then she is also my favorite for despite of the many things we argue about we have something that is common, we stick to family no matter what. I guess I have not told her things that I should have so maybe this is my time as a wedding present.

To Fides:

I remember the time when we will spend the whole night trying to copy drawings from books. I remember how amazed we were to discover that it was easier to use onion skin paper to trace the drawings or put oil (gas baya gyud) on the paper for us to trace it easier. I also remember the time when we argued about what to do with my life since you had to insist that PMA or UP will be bombed so I have to come up with another plan. I remember the time when we were so drunk at Burger Junction waiting for our burgers to be cooked when the bell sounded at the nearby church to signal that it was already the start of the 5 AM mass. I remember how you find it funny that I only know one dance step for the duration of the Ati-ati Festival at Ibajay. I remembered how I find it weird that you wanted to go on night swimming at Boracay. Of course, there's also the time that I have to drive you home fast in your motorcycle because we have to catch Meteor Garden. Trying to recall all of those things now I wished that life would have been that simple that it can be spent enjoying each other's company with no worries.

Of course, I have to make something out of my life and mind you I did keep my promise, I will be graduating soon. And of course, you got married... finally. Looy na kaayo kong Noel kung nadugay pa gyud. The point is, looking back at all the things that have happened, I just realized that life would not have been that good if not for the memories that we had. Now with my life having a direction, I can not imagine how I would have reached this far if not for the many reminders that I had to hear from you and I know your constant prayer that I will be well.

I guess what I am saying is that, I can not thank you enough. Grabe kahilakon man ko ano makaulaw kay firstclass baya ko unya daghan kaayong tawo diri. Hapit na break ma'am mag-inom ta..... haaha

Dili na nako ni tiwason kay drama kaayo...

Andy

The wish

When I think of ideas now, they are usually hopeful desires of things that I want to happen in the future. I find myself wishing more rather than seizing the moment.

Yesterday, I was rushing back to the barracks to finish the movie that I was watching before I had to go to formation to eat my dinner. To my dismay, I had to contend myself with it jumping from one scene to another, pausing every few seconds and having to be restarted several times. It was an inevitable situation when one watches pirated DVDs. The other week, I complained to a friend how I wanted to kill whoever made the DVD that I bought since that person deliberately deleted the most important scenes in the movie Notting Hill. My guess is that he was trying to accommodate 14 movies in one DVD 9 disc. Right now I am wishing to see the movie again, complete with all the important scenes.

But really what I am hoping for right now are good things that I am wishing will happen this weekend. It is not always that I can be so persistent about something but the thing is that the thought has never left me and to just give up will somehow make me wonder whether or not I have really done enough. I am wishing now for some miracle to happen.

I wish...

This is my last year here so I think I have the right to make wishes. The other day, I discovered a way to put a sepia effect on my digital pictures. I decided that I will be spending the Hop on sunday taking pictures of my classmates in sepia. I just thought that it was a cool way to spend the night trying to save memories of our last Formal Hop (other than the Ring Hop that is) rather than feel sorry for myself because I was not successful in bringing the one person I wanted to spend it with.

I also wish that I pass my PFT and be able to make nine pull-ups. Apparently I do not know how to do the pull-up properly and I am learning it now since I have been doing it wrong all these years. Wish me luck.

I wish to jumpstart my brain to be able to start writing the script that is inside my head for this year's 100th Night Show.

I wish to be back with the Corps Magazine.

I wish to be able to go on privilege again.

I wish to sing in church again...

Oh, I almost forgot, I also wish for World Peace especially in Basilan and Sulu.

I just wish...

In and out of Makati

If you are wondering the reason for that last entry, well just wonder with me. In the past days I have been trying to write something. I actually was able to write around three entries that I do not find worthy of posting. Then finally yesterday, I just wanted to say I love you so I did it in my blog. It's weird really but then its my blog, I can write whatever I want.

My brother and I had this unusual habit of spending time inside Glorietta Mall. Since we lived about 15 minutes away, it was the closest place we can go where we can have some fun the way we want it. Most of the time, we do not have money to spend so we contend ourselves with one burger each and unlimited softdrinks from Carl's Jr. Our routine then is to sit somewhere near the entrance and then just watch people and talk about them. I remember how we try to mouth what two people were saying to each other or figuring out how long a certain couple have been together just by looking at the way they are together. It was so much fun until my brother had to go to school while I had to go to work.

My work then was also exciting in itself. I think I have written extensively about how fun my work was in my old blog. A while ago I was telling my stories in an e-mail to a friend who is now also working in Makati and remembering it brought back all the fun that I had while at it. I remembered how I marvel myself with the tall buildings that I go to and be amazed with how large the offices of their VIPs are. I remember usually telling myself then: "Totoo pala yung sa movies." I also recall how I walk along Ayala Avenue and be excited to go home because so many ideas came to mind that I want to blog about. Well, at the end of that e-mail I realized that I will not be able to experience that again as there is no military camp in Makati and that I will have to contend myself large expanse of forests to patrol, barangays that have not seen the Internet and of course the simple joy of a guitar and perhaps a good songbook. Well, at least I have my memories with me and who knows what I will discover in these places.

I remember a time when I hated Metro Manila. That was because I practically grew up in Dumaguete and I find the bigger city more fast paced and confusing. But working in Makati sure did changed my perception. I like the idea of walking through tunnels and interconnected overpasses that lead you to the best places like Glorietta or Greenbelt. I like sitting at Starbucks and entertain myself with how people go about with their lives. I like driving along Makati's red light district and wonder how prostitution be so indiscreet yet still unchallenged. Well the thing is Makati is an interesting place, not just because it's Makati but because there is so much about it than one can experience. Maybe I will have other opportunities to discover some more of the place.

One more thing... I remember it was in Makati where I first saw Jimmy Bondoc sing "Let me be the one" a few months before his career took off. It was a free concert and back then people were not that attentive to a not so known guitar clad singer.

Anyway, I just can't wait to go home for break in two months time. I love you people!!!