Fear of Christmas

A certain feeling is inside me that I should be expressing something, its just that I have not idea what it is. I am in a state were my feelings are just expressing so many different things and I do not know whether I should confront it or not... or whether I should even be writing about it.

I think the feeling is about Christmas being just around the corner. In the past years, I have written about Christmas in this blog and somehow this year is different. A while back, I entered a classmate's room when I was greeted by a countdown for Christmas displayed behind the door. It was there that I realized that Christmas really is coming to town. After that, I went to another room to find another classmate watching the television complete with his Santa hat which I later borrowed and insisted to have a picture taken with me wearing it. Suddenly I realized that Christmas might just be a little different from the previous years.

Originally, I wanted to spend in by myself. I made elaborate plans in going to the province and just leaving my family behind. I wanted to have some sort of celebration by myself. But then I realized that I do have an important event that is coming-- my PFT. Because of that exam, there is this possibility that Christmas might not be so fun this year. I mean, its a certainty that I will celebrate Christmas outside of the Academy the problem is if I will still be a cadet by then. If that will be the case all my dreams and aspirations will just fade away and I do not know if I will be able to handle it. I just might celebrate Christmas in self-pity and frustration as how I did around 7 years ago.

I am thinking now that I should start psyching myself with the realities of my situation. Just this afternoon, I only made two pull-ups which is clearly not raising any of my chances. For some reason I think that the program the Sports and Physical Development Unit is doing to me is making me weaker by the day and I do not have a choice. Somehow, I have this feeling that they are trying to sabotage my cadetship. But again, there is this good side of me, who believes on things, who always have hope, who gives people the benefit of the doubt. Although my feelings are not that good, I am choosing to have faith, as I always do. I am afraid, but I am embracing my fate, submitting to what will happen and hope that I am a better person after however it will end. I guess I will have to be still and know who is God... Please pray for me people

For Hiyas

The pictures in this entry was taken from the multiply site of my very good friend Hiyas. I know I promised that I will not name people in this blog but for this entry I just have to. This entry is about her.

I met her sometime in 2002 through a common friend. We did not talk much then, what I really wanted from her at that time was that she will treat me somewhere which I usually do to people I meet for the first time. I can not remember now if I was successful in that but what I do know was that meeting was one of the significant things that happened to me and I hope for her to.

Maybe it was because we met each other at the time when we needed people who will understand us. For her, it was about something that I know she will kill me if I discuss in this blog, for me it was about how I just wanted to go back to PMA. We would spend countless hours just sharing our thoughts about our frustrations in life. It would take place in some area in a mall, a restaurant somewhere or even over the tables somewhere in UP Diliman. I know now that the reason that we became friends was not because we had compatible personalities, I think its because we bothered to care for each other even if it was the stupidest thing that one can think of. I opened up my life to her just as she would let me in on hers. I marveled at her explanations on the chemical composition of something (she is a Chemist by the way) while I amaze her with my charms and all (ha ha.. sorry hindi ko alam). It wasn't something that we planned it was just a relationship that we nurtured all this time.

She is this person who will go out of her way to show to people that she cared. In the many conversations that we had when she will complain about things that bothered her especially about the people that she loved, although she will not admit it, it was because she just want them to be okay. Although she will never admit it, she is in fact a person whose heart melts easily especially if it was for people close to her.

The reason why I am writing this is that I miss her. When I finally came back to PMA, she was one of the last persons I saw as the bus was leaving for Baguio. She sent me lots and lots of letters as a cadet all in support for my dream. Even then, at the time when I want to cry out something that bothered me in PMA, she was always the first person that I could think of. Breaks always had to have a schedule for her. In some way, I could say that she was one person that I can talk to and know that I will have a rejuvenation of some sort after.

A few months ago, she also pursued her own dream. She left for the States for a scholarship. I have not seen her since and remembering how it has been, I really really miss her. Now is the time when I am at a stage where I can see my dreams turning into reality and its just not the same when I can not share it with her the same way I shared it to her when I was just dreaming. Yesterday, she celebrated her birthday (30 na yata sya). I could say now that I have never found a friend in her more than any other person I have met in this lifetime. She is now complaining of the cold weather in her new school. I just realized that its just the same thing when I complain to her that it is lonely here in PMA. Like me, I know she will overcome all that and come out victorious over the challenges life is offering us. What is more certain is that when she also gets her dream, I will be one of the first persons who will congratulate her and celebrate it with.

I guess the beauty of love is that it never stops making us better people. The person that I am now is a result of the support of people that love me and those that I also love dearly.

Ayoko na... Naiiyak na ako... Belated Happy Birthday, Yas

Book Fair

PMA hosts this annual book fair at this time of the year. Its usually one of those times when I can just enjoy myself among the literary works of this generation. In my plebe year, the book fair was the first time that I was able to get hold of the book. I practically wanted to buy everything as I was on a "book drought" since April of that year. I spent around three thousand pesos of my savings just to be frustrated a week after because of lack of sleep and money spent on books that I have already read. When I went on my first break in March the year after that, I found "A different kind of Bookstore" and spent five thousand pesos of my break allowance all on books. A few days after I came back to PMA, I returned to my frustration of having spent a huge amount of money over books that I've finished reading.

The book fair in my thirdclass year (that's the second year) came at an appropriate time. It was that time when I was trying to find a good gift for a very beautiful lady that I recently met a week before that. She was to celebrate her birthday and I wanted to make her feel that I did remember her special day even if we were not exactly close. At that time, I already knew better and I was buying books sparingly. I was still able to enjoy the bounty of reading many books as other cadets bought books which I can borrow. My problem was no longer because of my depleted savings but it was more of lack of sleep wanting to finish a certain book despite of my cadet schedule.

In my secondclass year, the book fair had lesser books on display most of which I have already read. I, instead, started to hunt down old books inside the PMA library. I did not know that there was fiction in the collection but I found a whole shelf of it. A couple of years ago, I was caught by the way Judith Krantz described his characters. How there was so much emotion when she wrote about events in her novels. In a short span of time I just love her, believe me one would never imagine that someone from the military will actually appreciate the works of this author whose characters where mostly those from the rich and famous. The greater surprise is to find these types of books on the shelf of the library of the country's premier military school.

In another incident, I remembered reading something about the latest book of another author I idolized. I scoured bookstores for it. When I was finally able to find it, I realized that it was a good gift for the same girl I gave a gift to a year ago whose birthday was just around the corner. I bought the book at Gateway Mall and just to prevent myself from being frustrated again, I read the entire book on the bus going up to Baguio and then sending it to her upon my arrival.

Today, the book fair begins. A while ago I was reading Emarrah's blog about her addiction to reading. That was the reason why I suddenly had this thought about books in general. At the same time, I remembered that the girl that mesmerized me a few years back will again be celebrating her birthday. In her blog, she wished for things that she want and one of it is a book that will stimulate her brain. Is the book fair the answer to that? Or I'm just trying to interpret things that are not supposed to be interpreted?

This entry took one day to compose with thoughts ranging from excitement, conflicting ideas, hopeful imaginings and others just to get this done with and publish it on the blog. But I think the point is, reading or books in general has a way of connecting to me in areas that are not even that related. I am now reading Paulo Coelho's the Witch of Portobello and again I am amazed by the vastness of emotions I derive from reading. When I finally click the button that will publish this post, other ideas will come into play inside my head but I'm sure I will always see reading as one of those past times that captures the very essence of my person.

A Special Day

I spent a very good day today. Coming from the hospital yesterday after being confined overnight, I just had so much energy to be able to do a lot of things. So after again being in front of the computer watching DVDs, I went to the church to practice the next day's praise and worship songs. You see, I normally do not lead the worship songs unless I choose which songs to sing but for some reason I agreed. The result was one good routine, something that I have not experienced for the longest time. In my mind, as I was singing the songs I could feel the very reason why I love singing to the Lord in the first place. I was almost in tears just trying my best to prevent it as I was in front of a PMA crowd in my cadet uniform. It was just a great experience that I can not exactly describe into words.

Later during the day, I finished the last of the episodes of the series I am currently watching to realized that at the end of it all, I was again becoming too emotional and all. The feeling is different as to the last time because as I sat in front of that computer monitor by myself, I got a glimpse of the things that I value the most and had some sort of validation why I valued it. Yes, I love watching dramas and it does not make me lesser of a person. It maybe my way of being able to contemplate about my life away from the regimented military institution at least I know how to maintain my sanity. So I came to a thought.

You see, we come to a point when the choices we made in our life becomes daunting. Its results already staring at us, lessons already revealed and sometimes, the pain already being felt. Its not very often that we come to a stage in our life that we get to have this instance where we realize if the choice we made a long time ago was the right choice. The thing that made today special is that it was that day. Imagine when for the whole day, the most important stages of your life seems to run over and over inside your head that every bit of it gathers a new meaning that you have not realized before. Think about a time when things of the past started to made sense. It was that day.

I realized that I was falling in love. Not falling in love in the romantic way as I usually whine about, but I am falling in love with the fact that through the years that I have not been so sure of the decisions that I made but decided anyway, I have learned to trust more rather than worry. I have been convinced that it is better to love more even when it is not reciprocated because in reality loving can never be "UN"-reciprocated. I have learned to be happy with everything that life offers me even if I do not understand it all because I know that God will always have His way of surprising me with valuable lessons that I could have never learned have I tried to know it all. I have learned to trust myself more than my desires and do things as my heart tells me all in the name of faith. Well, this could not have been brought about by being in the hospital, being able to feel good while singing and seriously not about a drama series. I think its more of a time when we are so in touch with ourselves that we get to experience the very essence of our existence. I think its about having that assurance that my life has always been in God's hand.

The days ahead will be full of beautiful and wonderful things and I can't wait for it to come. I love you people....

Music of the heart

I got a bit emotional after watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy where Dr. Bailey was singing her child a song over the phone. It became the background of showing love in so many different things. It was an illustration of how people show love. For me though, it was another instance where I get to think about love.

My mother used to teach me how to sing Christmas Carols. Actually, she did not intend really to teach me how to sing those songs, its just that I wanted to throw away some of the music sheets she had been keeping in the drawers for I do not know how long. When I told her of my plan, she told me that those were wonderful songs and that I should not just throw them away. At that time, I did not understand what she meant. Being an 8 year old child then, my idea of music was limited to sounds that can be heard from the radio, or those sang by people. I definitely have no idea how sheets of paper can actually be called music, much more music that my mother loved. Both me and my mother love to sing. She actually was the one who brought me to the movie house to watch Alladin and sang A whole new world with me until I lost interest on the song. On that day, she taught me all the songs in those music sheets, songs that I can still sing up to this very day including lyrics that I still memorized. That was the first time that the lessons in my music class about notes and all made sense. To this day, although not that sharp anymore, I can sing along songs just by merely looking at the lyric sheets.

In high school, I found myself singing in a Choir every Sunday during services. It wasn't like we were really good and all, but I love the singing and the music. Fast forward to PMA, I sing usually leading the praise and worship or just singing intently. The singing did not stop and I guess it will never be. Its not just the singing that I love, I like the music as well and perhaps that was the reason why I became emotional watching Dr. Bailey sing. I can not count anymore how many songs have made me cry, even the national anthem now gives me this different feeling especially when it is sung for a special occasion. Like I said in another entry, music is really music to my ears.

I guess music is in some way an expression of love. I think the reason why I never forgot the Christmas Carols that my mother taught me was because of the element of love that was placed in it. I think I will forever be captured by the beauty of music and its way in expressing the heart. Love is all around and I definitely find it in music. Well, I'll stop now and go back to singing. I love you people