Rantings

I would have written about something different when I decided to sit and type a blog entry, but because of the e-mail I wrote just before I finally went to my blogger account, I changed plan-- here it is.

The holidays brought me to several instances when I really have to ask myself about the things that I want in for myself. Maybe its the feeling that we get when a year is about to end and we contemplate on the things that we did the previous years. On my case, I also had to deal with the joy of passing my Physical Fitness test and finally seeing the possibility of graduation come 16 March. But to think about all the things that I wanted to do has lead me to ask whether or not the person that I have become through the years is leading towards the things that I want or am I just fixated on goals that I have decided long ago to pursue not realizing that I might not be the same person in the coming years.

This issue was brought about by the my father's constant bugging regarding a girlfriend... or even a fling as he would want it. My father's dialogue now when he gets the chance to talk to me is that "May girlfriend ka na ba?" In previous occasions, I laugh about this queries but then this time, it just makes me think of the things that I wanted to do especially on this area of my life.

Some people follow this blog because of the few occasions that I write about my love life (or the lack of it). I have heard of one person actually looking forward to what will happen to my crush of all time and then another calling me with names that mainly compose of words hopeless and romantic and its many derivations (like romantically hoping). But really, there just comes a time when we are fully convinced that this is how things should be done, but at the back of our minds feel that we should have done it another way and maybe got the result that we wanted. It becomes a dilemma between convictions and emotions, about submission and active pursuit. More often, I find myself wondering if indeed the way that I have become as a person was indeed the way I wanted it to be or is it that I am just making myself believe that this is the way I wanted myself to be in the first place since I do not have a choice anymore since this is what I have become. It is a battle inside my head that questions the very person that I am.

But love is not supposed to be putting me in this situation. I should delight on all the things that have happened to my life and be happy how I have surpassed the things that have come my way. I should have no regrets for everything that happened made me the person that I am right now. That is, psychologically speaking because deep inside me is that question if the things that I have done where the right actions in those situations. Yes people, this is more about love. I do not regret doing many of the things that I have done even if some of it has caused pain either to me or the people around me. My feelings right now are focused more on my regrets over the opportunities that I allowed myself to miss, the chances that I did not take all because I was believing that romance is not an active pursuit but rather it is a gift from God, somehow I am becoming impatient waiting for that gift.

My game plan (as I would call it) is just to love everybody and wait for that whisper. Along the way, I will have to increase my "resale" value so that when the time comes it will be easy to make decisions like settling down, marriage and all this stuff. In the resale value thing, I think I am successful but the waiting is already getting into my nerves especially now that everyone around me seems to make it their mission in life to hook me up with some girl whom they believe is the answer to my prayers. Is it stupid of me to ignore all of these things and continue to stand on the belief system I have learned out of my faith?

This again is a piece of my ranting. Like many of the rantings I had, I will read this one in the future and laugh at myself because of this. I know this because I have had many occasions that are very similar to this one. What I am certain of right now is that I am still looking forward to the future. Someday it will happen and this blog will be the testament to all of it.

I love you people

On the Filipino soldier

I was researching for an assigment regarding human rights and reading so many articles about it I can't help it but react. Considering that it has been a while since I wrote anything political in this blog, I might as well write my take on this topic.

In the 9th National Debate Championship that PMA hosted last October, an issue that most colleged students who participated in the event was so interested on was that of the extra judicial killings. I was surprised that when I begin talking about this topic, they will gather around me as if I was some Lola Basyang, telling one of her famous fairy tales. I guess many people are interested on what members of the military think about these killings and perhaps other issues surrounding it.

I do not see the point why all the disappearance of these activists are blamed on the military. I do not wish to declare that the military is that perfect and has not done these crimes, in fact, I will be one person who will say that the military is very capable of these acts. What surprises me is that it would seem that it is only the military who has the capacity to commit these acts. In my little experience as a member of the country's armed forces, I find it disturbing how the public can be easily made to believe on whatever it is that they say or hear in our media. And this is not just about extra judicial killings, it can be anything under the sun. When someone from the left declares in television or in radio that something is the fault of the military (or this government for that matter), people receive this news with open arms without even bothering to weigh the facts behind these statements. Personally, I do not know much of the issue on many of the killings happening around the country, but clearly the public is being unfair in dealing with their Armed Forces.

Another thing that I observed is that people seem to distinguish the Human Rights of the soldier to that of an ordinary civilian. I hate it when people take the death of a soldier lightly while they march in the streets for the death of some civilian. Yes, I understand that soldiers were aware of the things that will happen to them when they made their oath to protect this country's people and constitution, but it does not make their death any different from all the others outside the military. Although they are soldiers, they, too, want to live a long life only that they have taken it upon themselves to use their life to protect more lives (your life that is). When they die, they also have their loved ones who will mourn. Their children will also become fatherless and their wives will have to raise the family as a widow. The point is, their rights is the same as that of any other person but they have placed these rights on the line so that you can enjoy yours. Let me just ask, have you ever heard of any human rights complain filed by a soldier against the enemies of the state? It's surprising how those who do not value our laws can use it against us and still get the people's support.

All in all, I would like to say that I am proud to be part of the country's Armed Forces. Ours may not be that ideal but I honestly believe deep in my heart that it is doing everything it can on its very limited resources to do its mandate. I implore everyone to at least give your soldiers the benefit of the doubt if to support them is really hard on your stomach. I admire how the Americans look so highly on their soldiers even if they do not necessarily agree with the cause of the wars these soldiers are fighting. In our case, we find itso hard to support our soldiers even if we also consider the enemies they are fighting our enemies.

Tagged

Niña tagged me on her blog so I am answering these questions.

How long have you been blogging?

I have been blogging since 2003. I did not know blogging per sec at first, I was merely experimenting with the internet. I then discovered Adobe Photoshop which I found very cool. I then uploaded my "creations" for people to see. In time I placed text until I realized that I enjoyed just writing my thoughts. I had a manual blog up until 2004, that means I just write from Word and then paste it on the HTML file for my website. When I went back to PMA in 2004 I had to stop because I wanted to concentrate on my training as a first year cadet (that is actually the hardest year). By January 2005, I was already well adjusted and in one occasion created an account in blogspot. That is the same account I am using up to now. So all in all I have more or less 5 years.

What inspired you to start a blog and who are your mentors?

I did not write formally before but enjoyed expressing my ideas whether verbally or in writing. As I said, I realized that the website I created for my Photoshop creations became boring so I started composing write-ups from stories, to ideas, later on I realized what I was doing was the thing they call as blogging. I do not have an official mentor but I think what inspired me to continue what I do is the sense of freedom I feel when I write every entry. Being in PMA with all the things that I am not allowed to do it just feels so good that somewhere in the Internet I can be myself. Plus of course, I like to read my previous entries realizing how I have grown as a person and just being amazed with how God is orchestrating the things that are happening in my life. I think, my blog would speak for itself as a testimony of faith.

Are you trying to make money online, or just doing it for fun?

I do not know how to make money online from blogging, but if I did I would, I think it wouldn't be bad to earn some money for doing something that I like doing. But generally, what I do is for fun.

Tell me 3 things you LOVE about being online.

First, I like the fact that when you are online you are somehow stripped of perceptions from people and that my blog becomes their sole basis of who you are as a person. The way people now can be so superficial that people judge us before they even know who we are.

Second, I like the freedom with blogging. I think there is joy at being able to just express what we think and not care so much about how people will react on our ideas.

Finally, I like that being online reaches more people than one can imagine. It is surprising how much one can learn from all over just by sitting in front of a computer.

Tell me 3 things you STRUGGLE within the online world.

I think struggle is a very strong word but let us just say, things that I do not necessarily like.

I do not like comments that are simply done because some people are kulang sa pansin.

I do not like spammers because clearly they have nothing to do with their pitiful life.

I do not like how people abuse their being anonymous online and then rant about why people can be so suspicious... hello... logic???

Now I am passing this on to George, Hanna, Emarrah and Tito Nui

Isang araw na puno ng pagmamahal

Hindi naman pala ako dapat malungkot. Marami kasing mga bagay na pag iniisip ko ngayon, parang ang sarap sabihin na sana hindi na lang sya nangyari. Kunyari lang ha, nung pasko binigyan ko ng pera yung auntie ko. Kanina nung bumili ako ng internet card para matype ko tong blog na to, last money ko na pala yun. Naisip ko na kung hindi ako namigay ng pamasko aba!!! ang dami ko pa sanang pera. Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo ako pero talaga namang masama ang pakiramdam ko lalo na ngayong totoo na talagang namumulubi na ako... sana nasa PMA na uli ako.

Kaninang umaga (o kahapon yata yun basta January 2), sumama ako kay Hanna at sa kanyang nanay na pumunta sa isang orphanage. Kaya ako pumunta dun kasi meron akong gustong malaman. Last year, nandun ako sa simbahan sa PMA. Marahil alam nyo na madalas akong kumakanta dun, as in ako talaga yung leader ng kantahan. Hindi naman pang pinoy pop superstar yung boses ko pero sabi ng nanay ko maganda naman daw kahit papaano (mahal na mahal talaga ako ng nanay ko... sumalangit nawa ang kanyang kaluluwa). So sa simbahan pag kantahan banat talaga ako feeling ko bida ako pag ganun. Eh ngayon biglang nag absent yung magtuturo sa Sunday School ng mga bata, ewan ko kung paano nangyari basta ako yung tinuro na pumalit. Langhiya, monster yata yung mga yun, parang mga tyanak, may pumapatong sa lamesa, may nangangagat, may naghuhubad ng shorts, basta gusto kong pag uumbagin silang lahat kaya lang mga anak kasi ng mga Captains at Colonels. Sa madaling salita, pagkatapos ng Sunday School, pinangako ko na hindi na ako uulit. Kinalimutan ko na yun kumanta na lang uli ako, kaya lang itong isang crush of all time ko sabi pangarap nya raw magturo ng mga special children. Naisip ko, kung alam lang nya ang pinapangarap nya... I'm sure isusumpa nya rin. Syempre nung una lang yun, kaya lang narealize ko seryoso pala sya. Ewan ko kung paano nya gagawin yun pero nung sinabi nya sa akin yun talagang pakiramdam ko totoo yun. So, ito naman ako punta sa google dot com... type ng... SPECIAL CHILDREN PHILIPPINES... paglabas ng search results isang katerbang mga pangalan ng mga eskwelahang hindi ko talaga magets kung paano nila naisip... basta madalas may little kung hindi angel at kung ano ano pa. Nakalimutan ko yun, naalala ko na lang bigla nung nag-iisip ako ng something para matuwa sa buhay nya yung crush of all time ko kasi nga magbibirthday na sya. Hindi ko rin naman napakinabangan yung mga special children chuva na yun kasi ang nangyari nag pa party ako sa opisina nila pero mula noon naisip ko na talaga na meron akong dapat magets sa mga special children na yan. Katagalan, naisip ko hindi lang pala yun tungkol sa special children, yun pala ay para turuan ako ng mga bagay gaya ng pasensya at pagpapakumbaba. Pakiramdam ko ngayon mas seryoso na ako dun sa crush of all time ko tungkol sa mga special children na yan, pero pag naaalala ko sya (si crush of all time) naiisip ko rin yung mga bata at mga bagay na dapat kung gawin para sa kanila. Ngayon umentra na si Hanna, galing ng kanyang worldwide tour. Tinanong ko sya kung meron ba syang alam tungkol sa mga special children na yan, then yun na, nabanggit nya sa aking yung pinupuntahan nila sa Makati. Nung nasa Lipa na ako at malapit ng mag collapse dahil hindi ko alam ano dadalhin ko sa bahay nila crush of all time, lumitaw si hanna sa ym at yun na, napag usapan na ang pagpunta sa orphanage. Nung medyo nalungkot ako sa sinabi ni crush of all time bago ako bumalik ng manila, nagconfirm na ako kay hanna na sasamahan ko sya. Inuulit ko, hindi na to tungkol kay crush of all time, talaga lang naalala ko yung special children chuva na yan pag iniisip ko si crush of all time.

Pag pasok namin, isang katerbang mga bata ang sumalubong sa amin na puro magugulo. Grabe naalala ko na naman yung mga anak ng Captains at Colonels. Pero syempre, kawang gawa nga, smile naman ako. Hindi ko naman talaga alam ang gagawin ko dun basta alam ko hindi ko dapat umbagin yung mga bata pag naiinis na ako sa kanila. Ayun na nga, pumasok na ako tapos lahat sila sinalubong si hanna na parang berks na berks talaga sila. Ako naman patingin tingin lang. Maya maya nakita nung mga bata yung bull ring ko, sabi nung isa "Kuya si Green Lantern ka ba?" sabay hawak sa singsing. Nung narinig nung mga bata yun, lahat sila nagsilapitan sa akin para lang tingnan kung totoo nga bang si Green Lantern ako. Syempre sabi ko hindi ako si Green Lantern pero pagkatapos nun nagsimula na silang magkwento ng mga kung ano ano. Napansin ko lang yung mga batang yun mahilig yumakap at kumandong. Naisip ko na baka yun yung epekto ng trauma ng pagiging abandoned children. Masaya rin kahit na hindi ko talaga alam ano sasabihin ko, kwinento ko sa kanila na sundalo ako, na nakahawak na ako ng baril at kung ano ano pa. Yung magic ko pa nga hindi gumana pero lahat sila tumingin sa akin nung sinabi kong mag mamagic ako. Nung umalis na kami, nagets ko na kung ano yung pinunta ko dun, hindi ko alam exactly pero yun ay isang bagay na may kinalaman sa pagmamahal. Sa maniwala kayo sa hindi natuwa ako na yinayakap nung mga bata at kumakandong sila sa akin habang nag-iisip ako kung paano ko sila uutuin. Akala ko lang talaga corny pero hindi pala. Gaya nga ng sabi ng maraming tao, may mga bagay na maituturo ang mga bata sa atin. Sa akin naman, ngayon alam ko na yung pakiramdam pag inabutan mo ng konting pagmamahal ang mga tao... sabi ko sa sarili ko hinding hindi ako magdadalawang isip na magmahal sa ibang tao... kahit na madalas pakiramdam natin walang kwento yung ginagawa natin... pero sabi nga ni Carlo Aquino sa Bata bata paano ka ginawa: "Akala mo lang wala... pero meron meron meron"

So yun na, natapos ang araw ng nakatanga ako sa bahay, iniisip ang magandang karanasan ko nung umaga at pati na rin yung hindi kagandahang balita na sinabi sa akin ni crush of all time. Magkalayo yung dalawang bagay na yun pero kung tutuusin, pagmamahal pa rin ang ending. Kahit ano siguro sabihin nila at kahit si crush of all time, hindi na siguro talaga ako hihinto sa pagmamahal ng ibang tao. Hinding hindi na... ngayon alam ko na kung bakit nakalagay sa Bible Love always hopes, always persevere... Love never fails. Sa huli hindi pala talaga ako dapat malungkot, kahit na wala na akong pera ngayon, o kahit na dun sa hindi magandang sinabi ni crush of all time, kasi sa lahat ng mga yun naipakita ko kung paano ang magmahal. Hindi naman pala talaga yun naghahanap ng kapalit... basta lang nagmamahal.... yun na yun period.

Pagtyagaan nyo na lang yung pictures na nakuha ko, marami dyan mga bata rin ang kumuha kasi nag-aagawan sila sa telepono ko para kunan kami ng picture

A year in words

How do you describe a year in words?

Thinking of an answer to that question can be hard as everyone around me is blowing their horns to welcome the New Year. For my part, I can not believe it that the year is actually changing into the same number as the year my class is supposed to graduate. When I go back to Baguio on the 4th, the class patch that I will be wearing actually has the same number as that of the of the calendar the rest of the world will be using. This is the year that I will graduate from the Academy.

Looking back at the year that will come to pass in the next few minutes, it was indeed challenging and I am just in awe and grateful that I have surpassed all the challenges that came my way. Let me take you in a journey of how the year has been and help you understand why I say what I say in this blog entry.

The year came in with a frustration. As soon as I stepped in Baguio to go back to PMA after the break, I was received by the sad news that something not good will happen to me. In the days that followed after my return to PMA, I had to deal with one of the greates challenge that I will face as a soldier... to understand humility, obedience and submission to authority. In this blog entry, I slowly tried to understand that the thing that I love most in PMA is taken away from me. It was a journey from one frustration to another as I try to struggle letting go of the things that I believe make me the person that I am. I felt that life is supposed to be lived according to the person that you are, realizing that it is not the case. It is not the person that we are but rather the person that we are supposed to be... the person that God has intended us to be. In my case it was to be a soldier. In this blog entry three months later, I realized the lesson behind the frustration and started to embrace this lesson. Looking back at it now I am just amazed at how the person that I am is being molded... being renewed.

From that initial frustration was a series of several others that came with it. I almost was not able to go on break when I became a first class and of course some privileges that I had to forego because of the punishment that I was serving brought about by the incident. It was not a welcome experience but went on as I had the intention to graduate. Although the lesson has been understood, to really appreciate it was a different story. As I said, it was a day to day renewal of some sort that took me into a roller coaster of emotions, all of which I had to process and contend with.

When the new semester came in, I just wanted to finish everything off so that my life would be simpler only to be met by another obstacle, the dreaded Physical Fitness Test. At first, I did not take it seriously. I went on with my life and made no mention about it. Deep inside, it was a form of denial. Denial by simply not accepting that it was a problem plus of course trying to save myself from the embarrassment of not passing a simply physical fitness test (as most people would say). Again, it was a journey of humility and submission as I was little by little being made to understand that I can do nothing apart from Christ. Finally, in this blog entry, I confronted the problem head on. I initially thought that it was simple but now, it was an experience that has taught me lessons that has changed the person that I am. As I look back at the times when I just cried to myself out of fear and not knowing what to do, I can now sense that those where the times when I finally understood that I am a person of strength only when I put my faith on the God that I know.

All in all, I could say that the year was a preparation for greater things. It was a journey of humbling myself and just allowing God to work in my life. The lesson that I very well understand now is my favorite verse in the Bible: "Be still and know that I am God."

Today is approximately two and a half months from my Graduation. I am hoping that life would be easier at the same time, I am fully submitting myself to everything that will come my way. I have learned that life is not a series of choices that we take, but rather it is a series of opportunities that we take advantage of whether good or bad. Our choices are guided by how much we are willing to submit our will to a Higher Being. This is my year in words. God Bless us all. Happy New Year everyone.

Note: The picture above was the "feast" we had during the New Year