Things that happened

My ears are still ringing. Earlier I was in this competition that tested our knowhow in basic military skills. These skills include, land navigation and map reading, signal cimmunication, weapons proficiency, markmanship and of course running. The participants were randomly selected from the whole company and I was one of the lucky picks. It was fun, trying my best to remember all the military knowledges that I learned. I assembled the weapons, fire several rounds of live ammunition, run 3.2 kilometers and had fun in the process. In the end, my team won the competition and it was all worth it, the sweat and the unavoidable mishap was all rewarded when we finally received our plaques from the Commandant himself.

Nothing really changed much only that as the days pass and the break gets closer and closer, I am beginning to feel the frustration that goes with not being allowed to go on break. In an e-mail I was asked by someone... Are you going to L--a? My reply was jolly but inside me is the frustration that I am not that rare opportunity to visit HER...

Anyway, I am not to begin another litany of frustrations, time is running out, tommorrow I promise to write something better than just the things that happen. I guess I am still in some sort of trance imagining beautiful that just carries me off my feet... I'm signing off.... I love you people....

God's Angel

I was browsing through many different websites trying to put myself in the right frame of mind so as to write something. I was trying to force myself to write something that made good sense considering that this might just be my last entry for the week. As the usual practice, there will be no internet connection on finals week which will begin tomorrow. And so, I jumped from one blog to another, to differend news items when one officer entered the laboratory I was occupying. He was dressed in his jacket and I knew him as the officer who once gave me one favor that changed my life.

I still consider going back to PMA as my biggest feat so far. I mean, raising fifty seven thousand from scratch for my eye operation, practically begging people to let me in and of course the one of a kind experience of self realization that has defined the person that I am now. But not many people actually knew who gave me that boost to really put me in. The one person who went out of his way to really see to it that I go back to PMA.

After finishing the week long Physical and Medical examination at V. Luna Medical Center in January 2004, I was faced with a very serious problem. I was told by the eye doctor at the hospital that I was disqualified because of my failing eyesight. I asked the usual question: "What must I do?" I was told that I should undergo a treatment known as Laser-assisted In Situ Keratomileusis or simply LASIK. It was an eye operation that would put my eyes under a laser beam to correct my vision. I did not know what that meant at first but just by listening to the name of the treatment, I knew it was going to be hard. I started asking around finally finding myself in St. Luke's Medical Center. I was told that the treatement would cost me fifty seven thousand.

By mid-February, I still did not have money for the treatment. I did not know what to do and time was running out. I was told that the list of incoming cadets will be deliberated upon and will be finalized by end of that month. There was simply no possibility that I can go through the operation by that time. I was hopeless and I cried myself to sleep. I thought that I just might not go back to PMA. But miracles happen and in this instance it was in the form of people going out of their way and just helping you. That was how it was for me. The officer I was talking about was once the head of the Office of Cadet Admissions. I sent him a text message and begged him. I do not have the slightest clue of what I was trying to achieve, I just thought that it was him that I should ask. He said as a reply to my text message that he can not promise anything but he will try. He then instructed me to report to him the following day. The next day, I told him my predicament, how I made it to that point and what are the things that I was doing. He gave me one look and asked me one question: "Are you really sure that you can raise the money for that treatment?" Eventhough I was still uncertain where to find the money I said yes. The next day I learned from the enlisted personnel in the PMA Liason in V. Luna that he went to the Chairman of the Medical Board and demanded that I be included in the list. He assured them that I was to go through the treatment. When the final list came out the week after, my name was there despite of still not going through the treatment. I do not know what caused that good officer to just take my word when I innocently said yes to his question, but it was an answer to my prayer. Eventually I did raise the money, went through the treatment and went back to PMA. It happened because one kind hearted officer, although did not know me trusted me and went out of his way to help me.

As that officer was going out, he noticed me. He went near me and tried to see my namecloth (my last name is sewn there) on my uniform. He looked at my face, then to my side where he noticed the chevron I was wearing. He then remarked, "Uy, secondclass ka na." I stood up and proudly said, "Yes sir!!!". He then asked me questions regarding my academics which I proudly announced that I have only one final exam, the others are all exempted. When he came out, I was so proud of myself. Maybe he just realized that he was not wrong when he did what he did about three years ago.

I guess he was my angel at that time. He was God's answer to my prayer revealing to me and I hope to other people as well that God works. It was a manifestation of how God orchestrates things, including people, to do things in our favor. In the process, it teaches us valuable lessons that will just change our lives forever.

Chatting with Cathy

I was chatting this afternoon trying to pass time promising myself not to sleep the whole afternoon so that I can sleep when it is time to sleep tonight. I was able to chat with a long time friend, Cathy, and made some realizations that I will be sharing in this blog entry.

The thing with Cathy is that we were classmates in Grade 1 as little children who did not know anything in the world. We then saw each other again in Dumaguete as College students. I just felt that the situation we had was serendipitous (is there such a word?) so that somehow became a factor that after sometime I could say that we became friends. I left for PMA the first time around got discharged, had a series of mishaps, went back to PMA and then we somehow reconnected through friendster. When we used to talk about things before, it was often our point of argument of who was the third honor award. I am very confident that I was the one and yet she insists that she is and tells me that she still has the ribbon with her. Chatting with her this afternoon, that became the jump off of our conversation.

For the two of us Grade one was like the last time we ever got an academic award. We advanced in school but we never really strived for good grades. I concluded that it maybe because we were validated early on as children with brains inside our head that growing up we did not find good grades as something that we should strive for. We just knew that we were not dumb. The memories of school came back inside my head and even now I still wonder how I passed subjects like Chemitry, Biology and even Filipino. When I took up Biology here in PMA I realized that I did not learn anything in Biology as a second year student then in Dumaguete. I remembered how it was so hard for me to study for Calculus as a yearling last year and how I just cried because I was afraid I was to be turned back or discharged if I will not be able to raise my grade. I had to make that hard effort to really study for my lessons and even feel weird while doing it because I spent the last, say, more than 10 years of my life in school without developing a study habit. In the final analysis, I learned that something was damaged to me when I got that honor back when Cathy and I were classmates (it doesn't matter now who got the third). Have I not exerted extra effort to repair that damage last year, I would have bade PMA goodbye. But the more important issue here is that are we really learning the things that are important because of the recognition given to us by other people? Are those who excelled in their academics later on the people who were not validated as little children such that they became imprisoned by this constant search of being acknowledged as someone who has the brains?

I am still trying to think about this matter and I do not have a conclusion. Maybe lessons in life are learned in different ways and that there is not clear cut formula. As Cathy would put "trying to be smart is not that smart thing to do." I guess each of us will learn the lessons of life in a way that is unique to us. The same experience may not have the same effect to another person. What we get out of every experience we have will only be according to how we percieve it. We may stumble and learn that we must change our ways but in the end life is a series of mishaps that could cause us to fail or be our building blocks to being successful at any endeavor we will go into.

Cathy left the chatroom after around 30 minutes. I logged in to blogger and typed this thought. Maybe just like the lesson I learned in receiving that still contested third honor, I will also learn a lesson or two even in conversations with another person from another part of the country. This time around, I think Cathy will not argue with me anymore.

KC Concepcion, sending letters and leaps of faith

With nothing to do I retreat to the blog and just type away.

After writing my blog entry last night I remembered something that I thought of blogging but forgot it as I was so engrossed last night with my discovery of meebo. About a few days ago, I read about this write up of Ricky Lo about KC Concepcion having a reunion with her estranged father former teen star Gabby Concepcion. I read the whole thing according to the point of view of Sharon Cuneta's first born. You may find it weird but I do read the Entertainment Section of any newspaper I can get my hands on. I just find the life of those in the entertainment industry as interesting, even if some of the things that are published are cheap gossip or normal things that happen to all of us (the only difference is that theirs get to be exagerrated and placed where everyone can know about). Anyway going back to KC Concepcion, that article was something that sounds familiar to me. It was a revelation of how forgiveness can really set us free. About a couple of months ago, I read another article where KC said something that somehow implied the state of her relationship with her father. Reading that I kind of felt that I should talk to her about forgiving fathers. So reading the article I was talking about was somehow something that made me feel so good realizing that things that I have learned forgiving my father is not just true to me but to other people as well. For those who is not so familiar with what I am talking about just go here to know what I am saying.

I finally sent my letter for this week. Last Friday I started writing it, after 5 pages I decided I did not want to send it anymore so I stopped. Then Sunday I started a second letter. I wrote another three pages and then decided to stop, I did not want to send it again. The next days from Monday up to Wednesday was something that found me seated on my study table with a pen and a blank piece of paper in front of me. It wasn't that I did not know what to write her, it was because I wasn't sure if it was the time to tell her what was on my mind. Last night as I was trying to write again already worried because it was the middle of the week and I haven't wrote anything for her that I wanted to send, I tried to write again, this time though I was in some sort of trance where all I was thinking were the good things I remember of her, even the realizations that I had with myself writing her, being happy about her and all that. I went to bed without finishin the letter I was writing but I had the happiest moment alone as I think about her shortly before midnight. This afternoon, I wrote my letter again. After a few words, I decided to send the original letter I intended to send. I realized that the reason why I did not want to send it was because I was afraid. I was afraid of her possible reaction. Thinking deeper I was afraid to accept that I was really falling... for her. So I mastered enough courage, finished the letter, placed it inside the envelope change to another uniform and then sent it. Right now although I do not really feel good with how she might react, I'm glad I sent it. I am glad because it was a leap of faith of being honest despite of my hesitations and the uncertainty that lies ahead. I am glad because it wasn't something that was within reason it was simply following my heart.

In two day's time my brother will be celebrating his birthday so I am thinking of writing something about him in this blog for that ocassion. Sorry I am just a poor person with nothing to give as gift the least that I can do is to tell the whole world, or at least those reading this blog how much I appreciate the people that I love.

I guess that is all I can say for now... till then

A rundown of things

I have so many things in mind right now after not updating for several days. To be able to cover all of these thoughts, I will just make a rundown of the things that have happened, what I thought about it and just blog away as I always do, I promise to make sense.

A few days ago I read Cito Beltran's column in Philippine Star which he entitled Ordinary Pilipinos Lang. It was something about how we as a people consider ourselves and out countrymen as inferior thereby reducing the opportunitites of getting the best of what we are supposed to get. He pointed out that because we stereotype others as Ordinary Pilipinos Lang, we tend to reduce their capabilities and limit their contribution to many things in society. He pointed his own experience as a mere "talent" when he started as a broadcast journalist. He did not have benefits like the regulars and his only consolation that he was appearing in TV every now and then. It was good that he became the Cito Beltran that we know now but he wondered why he was merely a "talent" when the talent he acquired was something he studied for four long years in college. He then pointed out other workers that are mere contractual for the primary reason that they are Ordinary Pilipino Lang. They could have given more to their jobs if only they were not underestimated. All this goes back to our labor laws which allow these practices. These then allows businesses not to come up with good working conditions, just compensations and good benefits which boils down to lack of responsibility on the part of the employer. Putting it simply, they are treating these Ordinary Pilipinos (lang) as mere milking cows and worse, our government allows it.

I have contemplated on the matter of whether or not I am really in love or I am just in love with falling in love. It wasn't easy because I was a bit confused of whether or not I feel I am in love because of the girl or if it is because I just wanted to be in love. Honestly I wanted to be in love for the longest time but I always tried to be reasonable and not just decide without thinking things over. The reckoning point was one instant that still strikes me about this girl even as I try my best not to be overtaken by her. It was one morning after a very tiring day finishing the newsletter we were making. I was wide awake early in the morning maybe because of the body clock that I have developed as a cadet. I went out of the room while everyone else was still asleep. The sight at Caliraya was perfect, I was overlooking the mountains with the sun still peeking getting ready to rise. After sometime, I went back to the room and she was sleeping on the bed. She was covered in blankets and the little opening in the window allowed the rays of the sun to enter the room just enought to light her face. She was just so beautiful. I do not know if you have felt this but there are just some instances that you know you are seeing something that is divine. That is how I felt at that time. While the rest of the world was sleeping, I felt God talking to me through her and I started to weep. I went out of the room and said my prayer... Lord, guide my heart. I do not know if my explanation is valid but then again I know that I am not making it up, I do not expect people to believe me because this is entirely a personal thing I am just blogging about it to illustrate the point that Love is always from God. Hay nako, kinikilig ako...

I am being problematic again with my plebe. Earlier today I simply wanted to haze him just to correct him. I was just hopeless, I wanted to teach him a lesson so badly. But then again I remembered my vow and somehow I thought that I wouldn't be proving anything to him. I am losing my patience here maybe when I talk to him later I will just have to think of something... I do not know God please help me.

Well, this is the last week of Academics. By monday next week, I'm through with my only final exam only that I am not going anywhere outside PMA, I am confined. I am already contemplating on the things I can do. I guess I will just blog about the things that will happen while the rest of the Corps will go on vacation. Sorry people, no stories about books I will buy, people I will meet or places I will go to. I will be confined (literally) to pine trees, plebes and perhaps my never ending letter writing....