Lamentations of a Squad Leader

A funny thing happened when I was going out of the mess hall this evening. I saw one of our new secondclass cadets shouting at a plebe in complete anger... and then I waved at her... she lost her concentration and started to smile.

I will have to explain. In April 1 of every year we have new plebes who go through the summer camp training. For most of those who have been cadets, this will become the hardest test they will have to go through. Those who will do this job are those that we call as the Plebe detail. The common practice now is that the plebe detail are the secondclass cadets (third years). It is from this experience that we get to derive the reason why the mess hall is mess hell for plebes. And so in the span of two or m0re months, the PMA cadets are divided into two groups, the regular corps which composes the upperclass cadets and the Plebe detail. The mess hall is then divided into something that is the perfect illustration of the difference of being an upperclass and a plebe. On one side (the upperclass side) the cadets are eating comfortably, talking and even smiling at each other. On the other side are stiff plebes who shout at the top of their voice when answering questions. The members of the plebe detail bark out orders while the plebes had to maintain an exaggerated posture of heading up, chinning in and bracing up. To an unexperienced spectator, it would seem that the two sides are on the extreme parts of a spectrum... the perfect contradiction. But of course, all of these are parts of the PMA training that has been their since the Academy's conception. In reality, each perform a task that they had to do as cadets. The task of the upperclass cadets on the other side is simply to eat since they have been through plebehood already, while those on the other side are the plebes and their tormentors (I couldn't think of a better term... sorry)

In reality, the shouting on the other side are roles that the second class cadets had to take. Instead of simply telling the plebes what to do, it is their job to do it in a manner that will not only be loud and clear but also something that will shake their disposition. It is intended to really confuse them and make a hell out of their life. Last year when I was a member of the plebe detail, my already loud voice had to be louder and it had to possess that certain characteristic that will confuse the plebes. So going back to my story, it was funny because I destroyed the whole act of that secondclass cadet shouting at the plebes by simply waving at her from the other side (sorry mababaw lang talaga ang kaligayahan ko).

Anyway, I wrote a second part to an article that I wrote for the Corps Magazine (Incorporation Issue) last year. It's still about roles that we play as cadets but I place a more personal touch. This is unpublished and this is the first time that this will appear to the public... Enjoy

Me and my three stooges... Plebes I mean: more lamentations of a Squad Leader

There are a two things that I learned from the time I started to wear my second stripe: first, I can only do so much for my plebes what will become of them will be their own personal decision; and second, it is not because of that limitation that I will stop being a squad leader to my plebes, I will persist until I am relieved of my duty.

In a similar article that I wrote for the Incorporation of my seven plebes as a member of the plebe detail then, I tried to understand what it entails in being a squad leader. This time around, after becoming a squad leader to another set of plebes (three this time), I learned anew and had an experience that has made me realize more things in my journey towards a better leader. These are my lamentations.

When the plebes were incorporated to the Corps last June, I saw my seven plebes distributed to the different companies. The days of summer camp are finally over and the regular academic term began. They had their new squad leaders while I was also given another set of plebes to take care of. With the same attitude I embraced the responsibility promising myself that I will exert the same effort in doing what I know I should do to these young cadets. I thought that it will be easier since this time around there are only three of them… so I thought. It seemed that I was in unfamiliar territory. It seemed that this was a totally new environment and I had to learn again.

My three plebes are the tallest ones in the crop of plebes that are in my Company. Each of them had different backgrounds and like all plebes, forced into the reality of cadetship, this time around not just to adjust to military life (which was one of the main thrusts of summer camp) but also to reach the standard of excellence that is expected of a cadet of PMA.

Unlike the situation in summer camp, I wasn’t the boss. As I was trying to do my job as squad leader, I also had to deal with new set of company mates because of the recent company realignment. I had to adjust not just to being a squad leader to three plebes, but also a member of a company with new faces and different culture. There were things that had to be done and just as always, expectations that had to be met.

My plebes were not that different really (except that they were tall) they were ordinary plebes who like me three years ago also struggled at the adjustment from being carefree to regimented. They had a hard time coping up and I also had a hard time trying to think of the best way to teach them what they have to learn. From the uniform that I had to scrutinize up to the last crease, to the shoes that do not shine the way it should, all of these things were not easy to teach. And then there is also the much compliance that they had to do. From those that were given by the firstclassmen, to offenses that they had to compensate, all of these were parts of a confusing scheme that will definitely shake a person’s identity.

One of my plebes, the youngest in the bunch, was from a family that we can say as sheltered. Not that they were rich it’s just that his family raised him in a way where he was not given much pressure. His family did everything to keep him away from life’s problems. He wasn’t hard headed; he was just someone who was not used to being ordered. Here comes his squad leader (me) who would shout at him at the simplest wrong move, give him a long lecture on why things had to be done in a certain way and then punish him severely after wards. It took sometime for me to realize why he is like that and again, talking to his parents (and writing I should say) proved to be useful. From the bits and pieces of the stories that I gathered regarding his family, I was able to understand why he acts the way he acts. His response to my methods was something characterized by fear. He would practically do everything to escape my wrath, sometimes to the point of lying. More than trying to make him “snappy” I was more concerned in making him understand the importance of facing our fears and doing what has to be done despite these fears. That was my first struggle.

In dealing with these three, I had to teach them teamwork and at the same time make them understand the value of the things that they are doing. Unlike in summer camp where their entire world somewhat revolved on what the squad leader teaches them, they now enjoyed more freedom and with it they are also able to interact with more people. I have to deal with establishing a reputation so that my word will have more authority than the others, which was the second struggle.

I can not overemphasize more the role of the squad leader in training the plebes. The struggles that I faced, I believe were not just personal struggles but I guess in some way are also the same struggles that my classmates were facing in going about their roles as squad leaders. When I look back now, I still wonder how I have endured all those times when I just felt I had the worst job in the world. When I first see them in their civilian clothes during reception, I thought changing them was impossible. Now, almost a year after, they smile at me when they see me. Not because I was very kind to them, but because we have come into terms with the reality that our jobs, them as plebes and mine as a squad leader, was part of a glorious scheme that has endured and stood the test of time. More importantly, all of us have gone through a sacred rite of entry that nobody will be able to understand unless he or she has gone through it themselves.

Today is four days before graduation. The day after that, my seven plebes in summer camp and my three during the regular corps will have their first stripe as new thirdclassmen (yes, I am proud to say none of them resigned or got discharged, its not because I am just good, it’s simply luck). One will be taking the removal exams but I am confident he will pass it. In 01 April, another set of plebes will come and a new cycle begins. I will move on to become a firstclass cadet. There will be new squad leaders and when Incorporation Day comes, my then plebes will become the new tigers. I will see them with their buddies (the new plebes) and will just hope that what I taught them will have some reflection in the way they will handle their new role. I am hoping that at some point, I have become a part of the person that they will become. Well, I could just hope and as I end my lamentations, I look up to God and thank Him for everything.

The life that I took is not simple, yet it has revealed to me facets of life that I will never encounter have I lived my life differently. I guess in the end the person that we become is still a result of the experiences that we had. Definitely, as I put an end at being a squad leader, the experience has made me a better person and I hope the ten plebes that I encountered also changed for the better

Comments that ring

This blog entry sprung from the comment made on the entry before this one. I just realized how things can go off hand.

I wonder now how things as simple as not eating some food that is offered can undermine the kind of soldier I will become. I wonder how the simple issue on doing something for the sake of politeness can boil down to the kind of person I am. I wonder how all this things connect to the kind of convictions I have. I wonder further why a simple ranting about events that happen to my life (about something that annoyed me) can be a basis of the kind of person I am. Or is it just another case of someone waiting for me to say something wrong in this blog and then use my own words against me?

Just to reiterate, the event that I was talking about was a simple thing that I hated. It wasn't about moral convictions, it was more of releasing the sad feelings I had about that event and at the same time getting my message accross to the people that I might have offended for refusing their offer to eat something. To clear things out, the reason I wrote that in my blog is because I do not want them to misinterpret me (they read this blog) by my refusal for they are people that I deeply care about. I would have not experienced so many of my joys as a cadet. Without them supporting me and giving me all the tender and loving care I need, I live a miserable life. And so I ask again how are these things entirely connected to the kind of soldier I will become and to my convictions as a person?

As a writer, I do know that the words that I write reflect the kind of person I am. The ideas that I present are little pieces of my convictions and the things that I consider as important. This blog has been a vehicle of so many of these ideas that to a certain extent I could say that my life has been written for the past five years throught this. But then, I must say, that this blog does not give the right to people to make judgments on the kind of person I am. They may not necessarilly agree with everything that I present but then they are entitled to that. I do not really care if they consider me as some prick who is so loud in his blog for the simple reason that they do not really know me and the most important thing... THIS IS MY BLOG. If you can not handle what I write then STAY AWAY.

Now on the aspect of me becoming a good soldier... YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY IDEA. I am declaring it now that I will be good but despite that you can choose to believe me or you can conclude that I am just trying to please people. But the truth of the matter is you can not do anything if I will be good or bad but the good thing is that I am assuring you that I will be good. I will not burden myself with the anxiety of thinking what people think about me but I will simply do what I know is right based on my convictions as a person. In the end, I will be judged not on how likable I have become but who I am as a person in the sight of God. If you really care whether or not I will be good don't harass me, instead guide me and pray for me.

This was fun...

Just another blog

I have been busy and finally the Internet is back in the Academy. Well here's my piece.

I wish to continue on writing about being a soldier first and writer only second. As I was thinking more of that topic, so many new ideas are coming and I am learning more reasons on why I should share these thoughts?

How many people can actually say they are doing something that they believe God has intended for them. I may not be able to fully explain how I have come to that conclusion but as I always say, God speaks to us as we experience our faith and I am lucky that in this area of my life I am sure of it.

Well, this is not to claim that I have some gift of diving prophecy of some sort but this is just to support my reason for choosing things. As with giving up writing for the magazine altogether, I have realized that it is following a path that has been drawn out for me to follow. Not that I will forget the joy I experienced in being able to write my pieces for the magazine, but I will submit to whatever it is that God has planned for me. I know it is not always easy because even as I write this now, I wish that I was doing what I enjoyed doing. But in my experience as a person, I have learned that the things we do in our life is a reflection of the kind of person that we are. And for me, I choose to be a person that submitted myself to the divine being. It may not something that people will consider as wise but it is the desire of my heart to follow a whisper I heard in my journey for this life.

I want to share about something that really got to me a few days back. You see, I am the kind of person who totally hates it when people force me to do something. I hate it more when they insist on it and then connect it to some problem I have either with attitude or just being plain stubborn. I believe that I have become more tolerant to people like this through the years but I can not stand it when the way I see things is not respected and worse, being offended because of that is considered a laughing matter. I am sorry if there are things about me that people do not understand, I personally think that I do not need to explain myself to everybody. I am sorry that I can not always give in to people for the reason that there are certain things about me that make me the kind of person that I am. But I also say that I am entitled to be myself. A choice to do something should be respected especially if it is more of a preference rather than a question of morality or ethics. I hate it the most when people take lightly the things that are important to me much more laugh at it. I believe it is more insulting to do something against your will just because you do not want to be impolite, if that is the definition of politeness then I'd rather be impolite. I just want to say that, as I said it got to me and I hate it.

Well I have to go now, there is not much sense on me at this point till then....

Soldier first and writer only second

I was with very good company last night enjoying my time out of the Academy for some well deserved break. I am now in Manila typing this entry and I just had to share some insights I had last night.

The friends that I was with last night where people I met during the press conference in 2006. We have become friends since then and so I find time when I am able to go out to meet up with them. These people are writers for their own school paper and like me we share the same passion for being able to express our ideas into words. We got into the discussion why I wasn't supposed to be going on break and I shared to them a thought that I haven't really discussed with anybody before.

At the height of my frustration over the trouble that I got myself into because of writing, I found comfort on the promise that I will come out of that experience a better person. If one would just browse through my entries in the early parts of January 2007. It was more of a combination of uncertainty and renewed hope despite my fear of the so many things that were happening. Althought I kept on crying to myself I also knew that it was part of the process that I had to go through. I started to think about the whole thing as a learning experience and took the effort to really appreciate everything that was happening to me. I thanked everything good that was coming out of it but all of it where part of a defense mechanism so that I will not go down into serious frustration. Once and for all, I bid my "writing career" goodbye with bitterness in my heart. But in the past weeks after that I have come to accept what has happened and has in fact understood what the whole thing taught me and I can just be thankful... I am sharing it now.

You see, I was in a situation where I was able to discover something that I really like to do. The reason that this blog exists is because I have found comfort in being able to express myself in words. Somehow, writing is a way to keep my soul alive. That is basically the reason why I enjoyed my being a writer in the Philippine Military Academy. I took it upon myself to learn the craft and be really good at it. Those efforts where not in vain since, modesty aside, I could say I was recognized to be a good writer by most of the people around me. Later did I know that my next lesson will attack that very part of me.

When you have come to a point where people recognize you to be good at something, you come to enjoy the attention that you would want to have more of it. In due time, I did not only aspire to write good articles, but I also wanted to beat everyone in the writing scheme. Although it was a good thing because I was constantly trying to improve myself, I was not able to check my heart in dealing with it. I became so attached to being a writer that I forgot some of the things that I should be focusing on. Not being named the editor in chief became the first major setback upon which I tried to seek redemption by proving to everyone again that they where wrong. I was not aware at the time that it was supposed to be a wake up call for me to reevealuate my priorities and redirect my purpose of being a cadet in the first place.

When I was reprimanded very badly while researching for an article that I was supposed to write, I fought it and argued that my credibility as a writer should have been given consideration. In my soul searching in trying to understand why these things happened I realized that I was being called to make a choice. It was a choice of being the best writer or being the best soldier -- meaning being a good follower to my commander. Yes, I can be a very good writer but the fact remains that the reason why I am at the Philippine Military Academy is because I am to become good SOLDIER. It is not a question fo whether or not I really did something wrong. At the point where I was to make a decision, will I be a writer or a soldier?

I came to the understanding that in the years that I have been given recognition as a writer, it raised my ego to a level that I forgot that I was to become a soldier -- not a writer. It was a question of following my superior and not of being a good writer. I realized that my being able to write in the magazine for three years and gained recognition while at it was enough bonus considering that everything in my existence as a cadet was directed towards being a soldier. It was a case of losing focus and having a painful wake up call. I have learned to let go of my angst on whether or not I was indeed a good writer but have decided to be a good soldier.

I still can not fathom how all of these realizations came into place but I am very confident that I am in the right place. It is true that I love writing, it is true that it sets my soul free but all of these things are just bonuses that were given to me out of the goodness of God, what remains true is that I should be a soldier first and a writer only second.

Thank you Lord for everything....

As I don my third stripe

I now wear my third stripe on my shoulder. The reality has not yet fully sinked in but I am beginning to feel the weight of what that third stripe meant. A few years back, I did not contemplate on coming to this point but then again time flies and reality creeps in and we just have to accept and cherish the inevitable.

In 2005, when I had my first stripe, it was more of a feeling of being able to do what I want to do. I took it as a reprieve from the torments of the upperclassmen having another class more junior to me. It was also a time where I slowly contended with responsibility looking forward to the time when I will have my fourthclass buddy to teach what I have learned. I encountered a lot of things foremost of which was my battle against my deficiency in Calculus.

When I had my second stripe, it was more of a feeling of being surprised at the fact that I had another stripe. I was not able to think much since everything came so fast, the Leadership Development Course, the Plebe Detail, the Field Training Exercises. All of these activities required that I practice a huge amount of maturity in leading those below me. It was that stage where people are already guage the kind of leader I will become. As the year rolled on, I struggled with deficiency in Statistics and of course a very difficult battle with demerits, touring, confinement and of course, hazing. Even as I type this entry, I am still feeling the grunf of all those things as I am not able to go on break because of my touring and confinement. But then again I am still victorious because on my shoulders now are three stripes the last that I will have before the much coveted vix (that's the insignia of a lieutenant).

And so I wrap up this entry with being thankful for all the things I have experienced in the past years. This blog has been a witness to my journey as a cadet of the Philippine Military Academy. Well, there is still one year ahead and I hope this adventure will continue to lift me up and make me a better person.

I am looking forward to the coming year....