Pulling up some more

I wrote earlier about this issue between the Press and the Government over the incident at the Manila Peninsula Hotel but decided to delete it for fear of saying something that might jeopardize my being part of the government. Instead, I will write about other things.

Yesterday, I was informed that my Physical Fitness Test will be on the 13th. On that day, if I will not pass that test, I will not be graduating on March. Let me explain why this is so as I have already done in some other posts in this blog, I really just have to put all of this out.

The Physical Fitness Test is a test that we are required to pass. Its like one major subject which involves running, push-ups, sit-ups and the dreaded (at least for me) pull-up. The standards were changed this year (no jerking movement allowed) and I have not passed the pull-up event. I was given an ultimatum and the 13th is the end of it, if not I will be suspended and join the next class that will graduate on 2009.

The reason why I am writing this is somehow to just put out my frustration and fear over the things that might happen to me in a week's time. From not being able to perform at least one repetition, I was able to make six last month. I then have to go through this program from the Sports and Physical Development Unit, the next thing I knew I can not even make one. Last night I tried practicing but was only able to make four which was already very hard for me. My theory is that the program destroyed my method in achieving my goal and in this institution its not like I can complain. I am not actually giving up but in my mind I am contemplating that it might just be possible that I will fail that test next week, I am actually trembling in fear as i write this.

A long time ago, I had this assurance of a promise that I was to graduate from this Academy and do wonderful things for the Lord. I did not know how that was possible then but I suddenly found myself back at the Academy. I knew then that it was the fulfillment of that promise. I know I have not been that perfect but I was always aware that I was being taught valuable lessons because I was being prepared to do things. Now I am in this situation and suddenly my faith is shaken. A couple of years ago, I was asked if I was willing to surrender the one thing that was very important to me. I have always spoken about surrender and now I am being called to surrender the most important thing I have in my life -- my cadetship and the hope to graduate in 3 months time. I feel that I have done what I am supposed to do preparing for my test, losing a lot of weight and exerting so much effort to exercise. I am writing this now because I want to document this journey of mine, although becoming sad, but still believing that this is all part of God's plan for me and really embracing the true essence of surrender... to surrender even to failure believing that God will be there to catch me.

This is the other entry about the same problem Pulling it up

Anyway, I am asking for prayers. I do not want prayers for me to get what I want but prayers for me to totally surrender what God wants for me. I am very afraid of next week but I am believing that God know what is best for me even if I do not feel good about it... This might just spell the end of diaries from Melchor Hall... I might go back to writing my diaries from the OUTSIDE WORLD... I need your prayers people.

Refreshing news

I was glad that when I found yesterday's paper the front page was missing. I just hated how all of the news (especially those in the front page) had something to do with that stunt at the Manila Pen last thursday. With the front page nowhere to be found, I had the chance to read other news that was refreshing despite of the latest blow in the stability of our political climate.

First off was the E-jeepney or the electronic jeepney currently gaining ground in major cities around the country. The night before, I spent until almost midnight watching Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth sleeping afterwards fully convinced that something had to be done. So the electronic jeepney is not only a welcome news but moreso something that provided hope. In the article from the Philippine Star that I read, a lot of other benefits can be derived from the use of this vehicle with zero pollution as it is electrically powered. Other advantages include its impact on our transport system and of course our economy as the producers of this vehicles are proudly pinoy. I was even more excited when I learned that local governments are actually reacting to this new development in a very positive manner with Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay promising to propagate the use of this vehicles in his City. Other Local Government heads are following suit and I am hoping that in due time this development begins other things that will help our country.

As I read further, I can not help but laugh at the irony of one news item I found in the papers. It was about the capture of one prominent leader of Communist Party. Her daughter said that her mother is not part of the rebel group as she only went to Manila to have her badly needed check-up. The joke is that when the "alleged" rebel was presented to the press at Fort Bonifacio her first statement was, "Isulong ang rebolusyon at ang pambasang demokrasya (Forward the revolution and national democracy)!" he he

Well, I think despite of the bad things that happened in the past days, a lot of things in our country are reasons to be hopeful that something good is in store for us. I think more than the negative issues we can find in our dailies, we should also read all others in the paper that indicate a good future for us.

I love you people...

Fear of Christmas

A certain feeling is inside me that I should be expressing something, its just that I have not idea what it is. I am in a state were my feelings are just expressing so many different things and I do not know whether I should confront it or not... or whether I should even be writing about it.

I think the feeling is about Christmas being just around the corner. In the past years, I have written about Christmas in this blog and somehow this year is different. A while back, I entered a classmate's room when I was greeted by a countdown for Christmas displayed behind the door. It was there that I realized that Christmas really is coming to town. After that, I went to another room to find another classmate watching the television complete with his Santa hat which I later borrowed and insisted to have a picture taken with me wearing it. Suddenly I realized that Christmas might just be a little different from the previous years.

Originally, I wanted to spend in by myself. I made elaborate plans in going to the province and just leaving my family behind. I wanted to have some sort of celebration by myself. But then I realized that I do have an important event that is coming-- my PFT. Because of that exam, there is this possibility that Christmas might not be so fun this year. I mean, its a certainty that I will celebrate Christmas outside of the Academy the problem is if I will still be a cadet by then. If that will be the case all my dreams and aspirations will just fade away and I do not know if I will be able to handle it. I just might celebrate Christmas in self-pity and frustration as how I did around 7 years ago.

I am thinking now that I should start psyching myself with the realities of my situation. Just this afternoon, I only made two pull-ups which is clearly not raising any of my chances. For some reason I think that the program the Sports and Physical Development Unit is doing to me is making me weaker by the day and I do not have a choice. Somehow, I have this feeling that they are trying to sabotage my cadetship. But again, there is this good side of me, who believes on things, who always have hope, who gives people the benefit of the doubt. Although my feelings are not that good, I am choosing to have faith, as I always do. I am afraid, but I am embracing my fate, submitting to what will happen and hope that I am a better person after however it will end. I guess I will have to be still and know who is God... Please pray for me people

For Hiyas

The pictures in this entry was taken from the multiply site of my very good friend Hiyas. I know I promised that I will not name people in this blog but for this entry I just have to. This entry is about her.

I met her sometime in 2002 through a common friend. We did not talk much then, what I really wanted from her at that time was that she will treat me somewhere which I usually do to people I meet for the first time. I can not remember now if I was successful in that but what I do know was that meeting was one of the significant things that happened to me and I hope for her to.

Maybe it was because we met each other at the time when we needed people who will understand us. For her, it was about something that I know she will kill me if I discuss in this blog, for me it was about how I just wanted to go back to PMA. We would spend countless hours just sharing our thoughts about our frustrations in life. It would take place in some area in a mall, a restaurant somewhere or even over the tables somewhere in UP Diliman. I know now that the reason that we became friends was not because we had compatible personalities, I think its because we bothered to care for each other even if it was the stupidest thing that one can think of. I opened up my life to her just as she would let me in on hers. I marveled at her explanations on the chemical composition of something (she is a Chemist by the way) while I amaze her with my charms and all (ha ha.. sorry hindi ko alam). It wasn't something that we planned it was just a relationship that we nurtured all this time.

She is this person who will go out of her way to show to people that she cared. In the many conversations that we had when she will complain about things that bothered her especially about the people that she loved, although she will not admit it, it was because she just want them to be okay. Although she will never admit it, she is in fact a person whose heart melts easily especially if it was for people close to her.

The reason why I am writing this is that I miss her. When I finally came back to PMA, she was one of the last persons I saw as the bus was leaving for Baguio. She sent me lots and lots of letters as a cadet all in support for my dream. Even then, at the time when I want to cry out something that bothered me in PMA, she was always the first person that I could think of. Breaks always had to have a schedule for her. In some way, I could say that she was one person that I can talk to and know that I will have a rejuvenation of some sort after.

A few months ago, she also pursued her own dream. She left for the States for a scholarship. I have not seen her since and remembering how it has been, I really really miss her. Now is the time when I am at a stage where I can see my dreams turning into reality and its just not the same when I can not share it with her the same way I shared it to her when I was just dreaming. Yesterday, she celebrated her birthday (30 na yata sya). I could say now that I have never found a friend in her more than any other person I have met in this lifetime. She is now complaining of the cold weather in her new school. I just realized that its just the same thing when I complain to her that it is lonely here in PMA. Like me, I know she will overcome all that and come out victorious over the challenges life is offering us. What is more certain is that when she also gets her dream, I will be one of the first persons who will congratulate her and celebrate it with.

I guess the beauty of love is that it never stops making us better people. The person that I am now is a result of the support of people that love me and those that I also love dearly.

Ayoko na... Naiiyak na ako... Belated Happy Birthday, Yas

Book Fair

PMA hosts this annual book fair at this time of the year. Its usually one of those times when I can just enjoy myself among the literary works of this generation. In my plebe year, the book fair was the first time that I was able to get hold of the book. I practically wanted to buy everything as I was on a "book drought" since April of that year. I spent around three thousand pesos of my savings just to be frustrated a week after because of lack of sleep and money spent on books that I have already read. When I went on my first break in March the year after that, I found "A different kind of Bookstore" and spent five thousand pesos of my break allowance all on books. A few days after I came back to PMA, I returned to my frustration of having spent a huge amount of money over books that I've finished reading.

The book fair in my thirdclass year (that's the second year) came at an appropriate time. It was that time when I was trying to find a good gift for a very beautiful lady that I recently met a week before that. She was to celebrate her birthday and I wanted to make her feel that I did remember her special day even if we were not exactly close. At that time, I already knew better and I was buying books sparingly. I was still able to enjoy the bounty of reading many books as other cadets bought books which I can borrow. My problem was no longer because of my depleted savings but it was more of lack of sleep wanting to finish a certain book despite of my cadet schedule.

In my secondclass year, the book fair had lesser books on display most of which I have already read. I, instead, started to hunt down old books inside the PMA library. I did not know that there was fiction in the collection but I found a whole shelf of it. A couple of years ago, I was caught by the way Judith Krantz described his characters. How there was so much emotion when she wrote about events in her novels. In a short span of time I just love her, believe me one would never imagine that someone from the military will actually appreciate the works of this author whose characters where mostly those from the rich and famous. The greater surprise is to find these types of books on the shelf of the library of the country's premier military school.

In another incident, I remembered reading something about the latest book of another author I idolized. I scoured bookstores for it. When I was finally able to find it, I realized that it was a good gift for the same girl I gave a gift to a year ago whose birthday was just around the corner. I bought the book at Gateway Mall and just to prevent myself from being frustrated again, I read the entire book on the bus going up to Baguio and then sending it to her upon my arrival.

Today, the book fair begins. A while ago I was reading Emarrah's blog about her addiction to reading. That was the reason why I suddenly had this thought about books in general. At the same time, I remembered that the girl that mesmerized me a few years back will again be celebrating her birthday. In her blog, she wished for things that she want and one of it is a book that will stimulate her brain. Is the book fair the answer to that? Or I'm just trying to interpret things that are not supposed to be interpreted?

This entry took one day to compose with thoughts ranging from excitement, conflicting ideas, hopeful imaginings and others just to get this done with and publish it on the blog. But I think the point is, reading or books in general has a way of connecting to me in areas that are not even that related. I am now reading Paulo Coelho's the Witch of Portobello and again I am amazed by the vastness of emotions I derive from reading. When I finally click the button that will publish this post, other ideas will come into play inside my head but I'm sure I will always see reading as one of those past times that captures the very essence of my person.