Isang araw na puno ng pagmamahal

Hindi naman pala ako dapat malungkot. Marami kasing mga bagay na pag iniisip ko ngayon, parang ang sarap sabihin na sana hindi na lang sya nangyari. Kunyari lang ha, nung pasko binigyan ko ng pera yung auntie ko. Kanina nung bumili ako ng internet card para matype ko tong blog na to, last money ko na pala yun. Naisip ko na kung hindi ako namigay ng pamasko aba!!! ang dami ko pa sanang pera. Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo ako pero talaga namang masama ang pakiramdam ko lalo na ngayong totoo na talagang namumulubi na ako... sana nasa PMA na uli ako.

Kaninang umaga (o kahapon yata yun basta January 2), sumama ako kay Hanna at sa kanyang nanay na pumunta sa isang orphanage. Kaya ako pumunta dun kasi meron akong gustong malaman. Last year, nandun ako sa simbahan sa PMA. Marahil alam nyo na madalas akong kumakanta dun, as in ako talaga yung leader ng kantahan. Hindi naman pang pinoy pop superstar yung boses ko pero sabi ng nanay ko maganda naman daw kahit papaano (mahal na mahal talaga ako ng nanay ko... sumalangit nawa ang kanyang kaluluwa). So sa simbahan pag kantahan banat talaga ako feeling ko bida ako pag ganun. Eh ngayon biglang nag absent yung magtuturo sa Sunday School ng mga bata, ewan ko kung paano nangyari basta ako yung tinuro na pumalit. Langhiya, monster yata yung mga yun, parang mga tyanak, may pumapatong sa lamesa, may nangangagat, may naghuhubad ng shorts, basta gusto kong pag uumbagin silang lahat kaya lang mga anak kasi ng mga Captains at Colonels. Sa madaling salita, pagkatapos ng Sunday School, pinangako ko na hindi na ako uulit. Kinalimutan ko na yun kumanta na lang uli ako, kaya lang itong isang crush of all time ko sabi pangarap nya raw magturo ng mga special children. Naisip ko, kung alam lang nya ang pinapangarap nya... I'm sure isusumpa nya rin. Syempre nung una lang yun, kaya lang narealize ko seryoso pala sya. Ewan ko kung paano nya gagawin yun pero nung sinabi nya sa akin yun talagang pakiramdam ko totoo yun. So, ito naman ako punta sa google dot com... type ng... SPECIAL CHILDREN PHILIPPINES... paglabas ng search results isang katerbang mga pangalan ng mga eskwelahang hindi ko talaga magets kung paano nila naisip... basta madalas may little kung hindi angel at kung ano ano pa. Nakalimutan ko yun, naalala ko na lang bigla nung nag-iisip ako ng something para matuwa sa buhay nya yung crush of all time ko kasi nga magbibirthday na sya. Hindi ko rin naman napakinabangan yung mga special children chuva na yun kasi ang nangyari nag pa party ako sa opisina nila pero mula noon naisip ko na talaga na meron akong dapat magets sa mga special children na yan. Katagalan, naisip ko hindi lang pala yun tungkol sa special children, yun pala ay para turuan ako ng mga bagay gaya ng pasensya at pagpapakumbaba. Pakiramdam ko ngayon mas seryoso na ako dun sa crush of all time ko tungkol sa mga special children na yan, pero pag naaalala ko sya (si crush of all time) naiisip ko rin yung mga bata at mga bagay na dapat kung gawin para sa kanila. Ngayon umentra na si Hanna, galing ng kanyang worldwide tour. Tinanong ko sya kung meron ba syang alam tungkol sa mga special children na yan, then yun na, nabanggit nya sa aking yung pinupuntahan nila sa Makati. Nung nasa Lipa na ako at malapit ng mag collapse dahil hindi ko alam ano dadalhin ko sa bahay nila crush of all time, lumitaw si hanna sa ym at yun na, napag usapan na ang pagpunta sa orphanage. Nung medyo nalungkot ako sa sinabi ni crush of all time bago ako bumalik ng manila, nagconfirm na ako kay hanna na sasamahan ko sya. Inuulit ko, hindi na to tungkol kay crush of all time, talaga lang naalala ko yung special children chuva na yan pag iniisip ko si crush of all time.

Pag pasok namin, isang katerbang mga bata ang sumalubong sa amin na puro magugulo. Grabe naalala ko na naman yung mga anak ng Captains at Colonels. Pero syempre, kawang gawa nga, smile naman ako. Hindi ko naman talaga alam ang gagawin ko dun basta alam ko hindi ko dapat umbagin yung mga bata pag naiinis na ako sa kanila. Ayun na nga, pumasok na ako tapos lahat sila sinalubong si hanna na parang berks na berks talaga sila. Ako naman patingin tingin lang. Maya maya nakita nung mga bata yung bull ring ko, sabi nung isa "Kuya si Green Lantern ka ba?" sabay hawak sa singsing. Nung narinig nung mga bata yun, lahat sila nagsilapitan sa akin para lang tingnan kung totoo nga bang si Green Lantern ako. Syempre sabi ko hindi ako si Green Lantern pero pagkatapos nun nagsimula na silang magkwento ng mga kung ano ano. Napansin ko lang yung mga batang yun mahilig yumakap at kumandong. Naisip ko na baka yun yung epekto ng trauma ng pagiging abandoned children. Masaya rin kahit na hindi ko talaga alam ano sasabihin ko, kwinento ko sa kanila na sundalo ako, na nakahawak na ako ng baril at kung ano ano pa. Yung magic ko pa nga hindi gumana pero lahat sila tumingin sa akin nung sinabi kong mag mamagic ako. Nung umalis na kami, nagets ko na kung ano yung pinunta ko dun, hindi ko alam exactly pero yun ay isang bagay na may kinalaman sa pagmamahal. Sa maniwala kayo sa hindi natuwa ako na yinayakap nung mga bata at kumakandong sila sa akin habang nag-iisip ako kung paano ko sila uutuin. Akala ko lang talaga corny pero hindi pala. Gaya nga ng sabi ng maraming tao, may mga bagay na maituturo ang mga bata sa atin. Sa akin naman, ngayon alam ko na yung pakiramdam pag inabutan mo ng konting pagmamahal ang mga tao... sabi ko sa sarili ko hinding hindi ako magdadalawang isip na magmahal sa ibang tao... kahit na madalas pakiramdam natin walang kwento yung ginagawa natin... pero sabi nga ni Carlo Aquino sa Bata bata paano ka ginawa: "Akala mo lang wala... pero meron meron meron"

So yun na, natapos ang araw ng nakatanga ako sa bahay, iniisip ang magandang karanasan ko nung umaga at pati na rin yung hindi kagandahang balita na sinabi sa akin ni crush of all time. Magkalayo yung dalawang bagay na yun pero kung tutuusin, pagmamahal pa rin ang ending. Kahit ano siguro sabihin nila at kahit si crush of all time, hindi na siguro talaga ako hihinto sa pagmamahal ng ibang tao. Hinding hindi na... ngayon alam ko na kung bakit nakalagay sa Bible Love always hopes, always persevere... Love never fails. Sa huli hindi pala talaga ako dapat malungkot, kahit na wala na akong pera ngayon, o kahit na dun sa hindi magandang sinabi ni crush of all time, kasi sa lahat ng mga yun naipakita ko kung paano ang magmahal. Hindi naman pala talaga yun naghahanap ng kapalit... basta lang nagmamahal.... yun na yun period.

Pagtyagaan nyo na lang yung pictures na nakuha ko, marami dyan mga bata rin ang kumuha kasi nag-aagawan sila sa telepono ko para kunan kami ng picture

A year in words

How do you describe a year in words?

Thinking of an answer to that question can be hard as everyone around me is blowing their horns to welcome the New Year. For my part, I can not believe it that the year is actually changing into the same number as the year my class is supposed to graduate. When I go back to Baguio on the 4th, the class patch that I will be wearing actually has the same number as that of the of the calendar the rest of the world will be using. This is the year that I will graduate from the Academy.

Looking back at the year that will come to pass in the next few minutes, it was indeed challenging and I am just in awe and grateful that I have surpassed all the challenges that came my way. Let me take you in a journey of how the year has been and help you understand why I say what I say in this blog entry.

The year came in with a frustration. As soon as I stepped in Baguio to go back to PMA after the break, I was received by the sad news that something not good will happen to me. In the days that followed after my return to PMA, I had to deal with one of the greates challenge that I will face as a soldier... to understand humility, obedience and submission to authority. In this blog entry, I slowly tried to understand that the thing that I love most in PMA is taken away from me. It was a journey from one frustration to another as I try to struggle letting go of the things that I believe make me the person that I am. I felt that life is supposed to be lived according to the person that you are, realizing that it is not the case. It is not the person that we are but rather the person that we are supposed to be... the person that God has intended us to be. In my case it was to be a soldier. In this blog entry three months later, I realized the lesson behind the frustration and started to embrace this lesson. Looking back at it now I am just amazed at how the person that I am is being molded... being renewed.

From that initial frustration was a series of several others that came with it. I almost was not able to go on break when I became a first class and of course some privileges that I had to forego because of the punishment that I was serving brought about by the incident. It was not a welcome experience but went on as I had the intention to graduate. Although the lesson has been understood, to really appreciate it was a different story. As I said, it was a day to day renewal of some sort that took me into a roller coaster of emotions, all of which I had to process and contend with.

When the new semester came in, I just wanted to finish everything off so that my life would be simpler only to be met by another obstacle, the dreaded Physical Fitness Test. At first, I did not take it seriously. I went on with my life and made no mention about it. Deep inside, it was a form of denial. Denial by simply not accepting that it was a problem plus of course trying to save myself from the embarrassment of not passing a simply physical fitness test (as most people would say). Again, it was a journey of humility and submission as I was little by little being made to understand that I can do nothing apart from Christ. Finally, in this blog entry, I confronted the problem head on. I initially thought that it was simple but now, it was an experience that has taught me lessons that has changed the person that I am. As I look back at the times when I just cried to myself out of fear and not knowing what to do, I can now sense that those where the times when I finally understood that I am a person of strength only when I put my faith on the God that I know.

All in all, I could say that the year was a preparation for greater things. It was a journey of humbling myself and just allowing God to work in my life. The lesson that I very well understand now is my favorite verse in the Bible: "Be still and know that I am God."

Today is approximately two and a half months from my Graduation. I am hoping that life would be easier at the same time, I am fully submitting myself to everything that will come my way. I have learned that life is not a series of choices that we take, but rather it is a series of opportunities that we take advantage of whether good or bad. Our choices are guided by how much we are willing to submit our will to a Higher Being. This is my year in words. God Bless us all. Happy New Year everyone.

Note: The picture above was the "feast" we had during the New Year

I'm having a heart attack

When we had our Company Christmas party this month at PMA, me and my classmates came up with this MTV with everyone of us (the firstclassmen) participating. The song was Dashboard Confession's Stolen My Heart. I promise to post that video once I go back to Baguio but nonetheless, my blog entry begins with the thought of that MTV and the fact that I am typing this blog at Lipa.

This is the third time that I am in Lipa. In all three occasions, I went here because of someone, the same person that I keep on writing about in these blog for the past two years. In my first time, I met a prostitute, the story of which is written in this blog entry. We spent the time playing a little game in Timezone and then her watching me consume one huge serving of crispy pata. The year after, I came on the 26th of December. I was still clueless what was going to happen but I just wanted to see her. We went around SM Lipa looking for an umbrella for her mother. I just love it when you accompany a girl in buying something. There is something in the way they make their choice that fascinates me. Although I do not understand it, I think that makes them the wonderful women that they are.

This year, my heart is pounding. A few hours from now, I will be going over to her house. I am clueless again especially that she is allowing me to enter her turf, something that is totally different from the past encounters we had. Well, the reason I am writing this is to somehow release the tension that I am feeling right now. To somehow prepare myself. I am actually both excited and nervous, I feel that I will be having a heart attack any moment now. As they said, be careful with what you wish for...

Well, ideas are surging inside my head. I am pretty sure that things will turn out fine, I know everything that I am feeling right now is just in my head, I do not need to be nervous (but I am) and I thought nine pull ups is harder.

God, help me to be the person that I am. Guide me to communicate my heart and let your will be done....

I love you people.

My Christmas gift: finally pulling it up

My eyes just opened at exactly six o'clock on my watch with nothing to do I went to the computer and had this typed up.

I'm sorry for not being able to update for more than two weeks. Many things have happened and frustration just came in one after the other. At last I'm done.

My last entry was a vow to pass my PFT. I thought that was simple. During that PFT, I made ten pull ups but the count was only six. The one who supervised me doing the exercise said that my chin did not clear the bar on the other four that I made. I went back to barracks that day a failure. I felt that I was cheated. I was already trying to set my mind on my fate when the Commandant gave a declaration during his speech in the CCAFP Christmas party the same day, "Those who failed are given one more week to pass the exam, they retake next week." That week became another test of humility. During that time, I had to go through another week of strengthening program under the watch of my classmate who was the Brigade PFT Officer. What tested me more in that experience was not my ability to perform the exercises she wanted us to do but to swallow my pride for my classmate and other cadets in that program and also to appreciate the effort of my classmate to help me pass the test and graduate with her in less than three months. At a time when I just hated everything that we were doing, I approached her and said: "Bok (its a term of endearment among classmates), hindi na ako natutuwa sa ginagawa natin, madalas napipikon na ako, pero alam ko na mahal na mahal mo ako at hindi mo ako hahayaang bumagsak kasi gusto mo sabay tayong grumaduate sa March. Pag medyo nakita mong masama na itsura ko, hayaan mo lang ako pero maniniwala ako sa'yo, pagtyatyagaan ko tong ginagawa natin." After that I did not speak to her anymore about any of the feelings I had over the exercises she was making us to do. In that one week, I actually appreciated my classmate in what I used to call her "pakialamera" attitude.

On the day of the retake, I really psyched myself up. I started to get nervous as I made my way to the pull up bar. Everything that has happened to me has come down to this one event and I thought that was enough. After the fifth count was given, the count did not move forward. The sixth was still counted as five until the eighth at which point I got really pissed of and just came down from the bar in defeat and disgust as to how the count was made. Its not that I am complaining, I really feel that something was wrong with the way it was done. The others also had the same observation as only four passed in the pull up event out of almost 20 who had the retake. I thought that was the end of it as we were already given another chance. When the Commandant talked to us after that, he gave us another hope. His final instruction was that we can not go on break until we pass that PFT. We can take it as much as we want, if we give up already then we go on break but we would have forfeited our cadetship. It was already December 22 and the feeling of wanting to go home became somewhat of a better choice than doing it one more time. But the highlight of that day was that of my classmate. His pull ups was basically 8 and 3/4. The one who counted him was actually contemplating on just counting the last one as a 9 and he wanted to push it for him to pass. Out of his desperation, thoughts like this were already coming out of his head and I can not blame him. We have been struggling for more than six months and it was an easy way out. When he told me his plan, I just have to remind him of the things that we value as a cadet. I shared to him something that I keep on telling myself every time I think of what he was thinking: Gragraduate ako dito kasi karapat dapat akong grumaduate hindi dahil dinaya ko (I will graduate here because I am worthy of that graduation and not because I cheated). As I told him that, I just have to shed a tear. The whole struggle was not anymore becoming a lesson of mere physical strength nor of humility, it was already a test of character. As we talked among ourselves moments after that close call, we consoled each other into saying that we will remember December 22 as the day that we stood on our Honor despite personal pressure.

I finally decided to make an attempt to celebrate Christmas at home. Early morning of December 24 I decided to take the exam and try to be home for Noche Buena. The frustration came early also as there was no one to supervise our test since everyone was apparently at home preparing for the midnight feast. I had to go et in touch with people but to no avail nothing came. At 12 noon, I was already contemplating on just spending Christmas inside my bunks by myself. Suddenly our names were called at the PA system, we are to take our PFT after all.

My chest was pounding as I started to do the first 5 pull ups. I never really managed to have a count more than 6 so when I heard seven, it was as if my body was on auto pilot and kept on pulling itself up that bar as the count increased. Finally, I heard it... the count was 9 and the cadets behind me where already jumping in celebration. I did it.

By 6 o'clock that night I was on a bus bound for Manila. at 11:30, my brother picked me up and I was home by midnight. I really am home for Christmas.

Looking at it now, the whole experience was indeed a journey of self realization. The events that unfolded did not go as I expected but as I said in my other entries regarding this, I will come out here a winner no matter what happens. To all the people who prayed for me, who cheered me on and the many others who believed that it can be done, thank you very much. To the God up above who continued to nurture me even amidst trying times, I am in awe at how He works. He gave me more than 9 pull ups, he gave me more faith and more grace. Thank you God and I bring you back all the glory.

I am an Unprofitable Servant

I am currently reading this book by Elisabeth Elliot entitled the Mark of Man. From being able to read John Eldredge's Wild at heart about two years ago, I have always sought out what the Bible says regarding being masculine. Somehow, my Christianity has led me to the understanding that my individuality is not based on how I want myself to be but on how God intended it to be. Considering that I am in the midst of learning another dimension of submission to the will of God, I am trying to digest what I have been reading in relation to the things that are happening in my life now.

Many people I know has reacted violently on some of the principles I decided to live my life with. I remember a time when this one person was trying very hard to convince me against a decision I already made saying that I was doing something stupid. We never did agree with my explanation on why I made such decision but I think the good thing that came out of that initial conflict of idea we had was that she was able to understand the kind of person I am and respected me for it.

I have not always been proud of the things I made in my life. I mean, I have done things that I regret but in the many times that I failed and learned my lessons, I am proud to say that I have become a better person. As they say, experience does teach us valuable lessons that leave an imprint in our hearts and mins. So going back to the topic of manhood and all, despite of my stupidity and sometimes impulsive behavior, I seek out the kind of person God wants me to be and although I do not feel very good about it all the time, the decisions I made based on that understanding of my life has led me to this situation I am in.

Jesus said: When you have done all, you are unprofitable servants. These words were spoken on the topic of how we are to go about our roles as children of God. Looking at it blankly, one would say that it is a cruel conclusion for "doing it all." In my situation now, the statement takes a greater meaning, even more than what I thought I could muster as I confront my present misery.

Those who follow my blog will have an idea what is this misery that I am talking about. It is the misery of surrendering the one thing that you value most in your life at present. It is surrendering a dream to the will of God that is still unknown to me. It is acceptance of a fate that is uncertain. It is fearfully facing life as it is happening clinging only to faith. I think about all the things that will happen to me after December 13, how I hate that a deadline is already in the horizon without me not knowing how to overcome it but end up conceding to surrender. Surrender to a more powerful force way beyond my imagination.

Now with the way I am illustrating the things that I am feeling right now, many would think that I am in fact accepting defeat. Believe it or not, I am not. As I have realized earlier while soaked in sweat doing my exercises, I am still in the race and will finish it unless I am told that I can not. The things that I am saying now are actually realization... these are revelations of a growing faith that is trying its best to detach how I want things to be according to what I want from a Will that I have accepted as what is best for me even if I do not necessarily understand it.

This blog is a witness to my aspirations of wanting to become a cadet of the Philippine Military Academy. It became a testimony of my struggles as a cadet and learning it's many facets. Now, this will become a chronicle of how God will define the kind of person I will be as I confront my fears and surrender it all. I do not know what happens next, but I know that the events that will unfold will be a miracle from God.

Let us continue praying, there are three more days...