Looking at it in another light

Frustrations come in many different forms. For most people it is something that just drags us down into bitterness. We wonder why despite of the things that we have done, no matter how hard we tried it still ended up different from the way we want it to be. That was how I felt when I got rejected for the congress I was talking about. Not being conceited or anything, I really just feel that I should go to that congress. And then the story unfolds and here I am... bitter. I really do not want to claim that I am not because aside from the fact that not many will believe me, it is with the bitterness that I realize something must be done.

When I first heard the news of my rejection, I was trying to convince myself that I did not hear it. It was as if I was ignoring something that was just in front of me. I tried not to think about it but it kept on following me. During a meeting for the publication, it was finally confirmed and I just felt so bad. I nursed the frustration for sometime not really knowing how to react. When I sat at my study table that night, all I could think of are the many things I will miss, the dream that I will never have. I was trying not to cry but I felt really really bad that tears just started to flow. I tried not to be noticed by my room mates so I acted normal despite of the tears. And then, just as I usually do whenever I encounter instances that I feel I can not handle, I cry out to God, I just said, "God turn this into something good."

The feeling did not go away as I tried to sleep, it kept on haunting me until my body just gave up and I dozed off. The next day was still the same thought. I could see my classmates who made it were already processing and I felt more pain. People thought that because I was joking about it, I wasn't affected. In reality, it was just my way of coping. I wanted to talk to people, to my Tactical Officer and to many others who can do something that will just change my fate. But I did not go with my thoughts, I knew I will only look trying hard. Each day became a battle to let go of that frustration and every time I think I can no longer handle it, I prayed the same prayer I made the first night.

When I told the news to my friend in Manila, he too was frustrated. He was one person that knew how much I wanted it. He asked me if there was a way to change the decision, I said there maybe but I wouldn't try. At the back of my mind, I was thinking that maybe he can do something about it since he is connected with the organizers of the congress. I was thinking maybe he could do some recommendation from their end. In the end, I dismissed the thought, I was already scheming to get what I want. Then came the people that at one point attended the congress. They were all introduced according to the year they attended the congress and it added more pain. Finally my friend started to tell me about what he is doing now. He said that he was connected with a project in Mindanao, then suddenly I remembered Project ISLAM.

What first was a continuous blow on my already frustrated heart, suddenly shifted to another light. I started to tell him about the Project. My enthusiasm became so great that I forgot I was frustrated. Finally, the realization of a new me dawned. This was God's answer to my prayer. My frustration was because I get to hear beautiful stories about the conference and dreamed of having the same stories. Somehow, I made the connection that people like my friend, have become who they are because of their experience in that congress. As I was talking more and more about things that I could do for some noble project, I was just amazed. People have become who they are because that was the choice they made. I remember how bad I feel about others who attended the congress who failed miserably in catching the message why the congress was being held. I was willing to offer myself for something good and that was the whole point of the congress. I realized that I already caught the message and the call now is not to try to catch it again but act on the message.

I decided several things on how I will live my life from now on. I may not be able to do much but I know I am in the right path. The frustration is another way of God to tell me to start doing something rather than wait and feel bad about things that do not go the way I want it. Its true, I still feel bad and I know it will take time for me to forget about the rejection, but what I do with my life now is my choice. The congress is just one of the many opportunities there is, but as long as I am here and with God on my side, I am not to waste these other opportunities. Frustrations will come but what we do with it is our own choice.

Last night, I was reading Philippine Star about an interview with Purpose Driven Life Author Rick Warren and he sums up everything that I have already said: "Its like bubble gum, you chew it but you do not swallow it."

Today I am a catalyst for change

I just arrived from Manila and I had a blast, got to unwind and made some interesting discoveries with the way I see things and how to improve it and that would be my blog entry for today.

I went to Manila to attend a forum on Media Ethics and Journalism at Ateneo de Manila University courtesy of Katipunan Magazine. We were treated with the expertise of ABS-CBN News and Public Affairs Head (and former CNN Correspondent) Maria Ressa and the ABC 5's News Head (and former ABS-CBN Correspondent) Ed Lingao. After the forum I kind of wanted to become more of a Journalist than a soldier (joke!!). But the more important concern are the issues that were raised in this forum. Maria Ressa gave her lessons in her years as a journalist, seemingly little but says a lot about how a person goes about in her function as a journalist. I particularly felt how emotional it got when she was teary eyed while talking about what people can do if only they remained true to their convictions. She warned against cynism and instructed everyone never to be cynical no matter how frustrating the situation is. Ed Lingao talked about doing things for the right reasons because in the end we will not be able to contribute to society by just doing things for shallow reasons. I went back to our billeting area when I received an invitation to watch the play Twenty Questions by Juan Ekis at Timog meeting up with a good friend that I haven't seen for the past year. The trip was finally capped up with a night-out at Metro Comedy Bar where we I shared some laughter with other cadets. As I was looking out the window on the way back to Baguio I made a remarkable realization that I think changed the way I am to live my life from this day on.

The past week was frustrating for me. I was denied the chance to join a leadership congress that I had been dreaming to join from the time I first heard about it. The Forum I attended where alumnus of this Congress and I can just watch in envy thinking that I will never be able to experience what they experience as participants of that congress. That frustration came back again as I watched a play that was written also by an Alumni of the same congress seated together with Ralph(also an alumni of that congress) who kept on telling me stories about joining the congress. My frustration came crashing down the more as almost all people that were introduced to me all attended this congress. I just tried my best to forget about it by drinking beer at the Comedy Bar only to be awakened by the same thought the morning after.

As I was looking out from my seat in the Bus, still depressed with what happened, I remembered something that Maria Ressa said, NEVER BE CYNICAL. That thought sort of repeated itself inside my head until something just snapped. I remembered Project ISLAM, something that I am beginning to really feel committed to, I remember how I talked about it with Ralph who is connected with Ayala Foundation hoping that he'll do something in support of the project. I remember the so many ideas I had the minute I caught the message of that project and suddenly I realized it is not really necessary for me to join that congress after all.

I realized that the real reason why the congress was organized was to gather young leaders for them to catch the need for members of the youth that will not only live their lives trying to be successful but becoming catalysts in making this country a better place. It was an avenue where the values of service and patriotism can be awakened among the best talents of our country's young people. With that, there was no longer a reason for me to join such congress for I already caught the message. I may not be acknowledged as a participant of such gathering, but I am a leader in my own right. Although I dreamed of having the opportunity, the congress is not what matters but what it makes out of you after you've been part of it. As for me, I can dream on but my war is not joining these gatherings but my war is happening right now. I realized the tremendous power I have being able to write about these things and open the eyes of people on realities that we have ignored. I am humbled by the role I am going to take once I graduate from this institution. Above all, I am amazed with what I can do now instead of doing all the formalities required for that congress including the possibility that the people who will attend might not get the message for whatever reason.

So I made a vow. I vowed to make a difference. I refuse to give in to cynism and will never ever allow myself to be frustrated again by things that I can not control. I will use writing as a way to open the eyes of people. I will be the change that I want for this country and I will never cease to be better each day. I am declaring July 30 as my new birthday --Today I am a catalyst for change. I may sound ambitious but again who cares, I will just do what my heart tells me.

Now, as my first order of business, I will make this website true to that new me. Ang Munting Bukayo is moving on not just as a way to express myself but also to bring out a message. A message of hope, enlightenment and service. In the coming days, a lot will happen, please pray for me with this. God help me, I am yours for the taking...

Gael's Letters makes me want to cry

I want to cry at this moment. I was just surfing around passing not really knowing what to do even if I have a major exam tomorrow plus an assignment to write, eh sa talagang wala ako sa mood mag-aral eh. So I decided to just go through different blogs and I chanced upon this blog that just makes me cry. Basically, the blog is for the author's son, some sort of mommy's letter. It becomes a journal of the many things that happen, including frustrations, joys, excitement and all other emotions. Reading it, love just overflows for this young boy. It kind of reminds me of Daddy's diary from the year 1977 that I found so many years back. Before that, I always felt that he did not love me that much but reading that, I have the same feeling that I feel now. I think that for a child to be truly confident about himself he should feel loved and with the blog even if I am not the child I could really sense this aura of love. I'm not being sentimental really, the blog really just got me...

Kahit ano...

Ayoko talagang magsulat ngayon, naisip ko kagabi lang ako nag update tapos ngayon may sinusulat na naman ako. Kaya lang eh sa talagang ang daming tumatakbo sa utak ko na pag hindi ko sya sinulat baka mabaliw ako at ano maisipan kong gawin.

Ang sama sama ng pakiradam ko kagabi, siguro dahil naligo ako ng pagkalamig lamig na tubig nung hapon. Pakiramdam ko may lagnat ako nun pero ayoko namang magpa ospital kasi nga bukas eh bababa ako ng manila. So pinagtyagaan ko, para akong lasing na normal naman mag-isip pero talagang napakasakit lang ng ulo ko. Pag dating ko sa room ko galing magcomputer nahiga ako at nakaidlip ng kaunti, nagsimula na akong lamigin talaga na sure na sure na akong mauuwi sa malalang lagnat ang aking nararamdaman. Nung tumonog ang tattoo bandang 9:30 tumayo ako at umattend ng meeting tungkol sa mga bagong pakana ng PMA para daw mas maging "responsive" ang training namin. Binalita na sa lunes daw ay magkakaroon ng All Right ng unregistered cellphone. Ang ibig sabihin nun gagamitin na ang honor code para masigurado na lahat kami ay nakaregister ang cellphone. In short, dapat na talaga akong mag register at hindi na ako madalas makakapagtext sa mga tao kahit na halos wala na naman talagang nagtetext sa akin. Tapos pinag-usapan ang paghahanda sa Intramurals in two weeks time at yun bumalik na ako ng room ko nagbihis ng pantulog at natulog na.

Speaking of text, iniisip ko na itext ang aking crush. Kaya lang, dahil madalas naman eh nadedema lang ako hindi ko na tinuloy, instead eh sinulat ko na lang ang mga naiisip kong sabihin sa kanya. Dahil nga masama talaga ang pakiramdam ko, hindi na ako masyadong nag-isip ng mga kadramahan basta sinulat ko na lang kung ano talaga ang nasa utak ko, kumuha ng envelope tapos yun na, maya maya pagkatapos ko nito imamail ko na. Hindi pa rin ako mapakali sa tanong sa akin nung katext ko kahapon, kahit na sinulat ko na kung ano feeling ko, mahirap pa rin talaga pag hindi mo alam kung ano ang kalagayan ng mga bagay bagay. Lalo na kung parang yun na lang ang kaligayahan mo dahil ang lungkot lungkot na ng buhay dito sa Baguio. Naisip ko pa kagabi na siguro kung buhay pa ang nanay ko malamang kami lagi ang textmate. Medyo naiyak iyak tuloy ako ng maalala ko uli na wala na pala akong nanay.

Ang nanay ko kasi ay parang ako rin. Gusto laging may napapala sa mga ginagawa. Naalala ko nun nasa States na sya tapos tinanong nya bigla sa aking kung ano ang difference ng English Phonetics at International Phonetics. Ang totoo yung time lang na yun ko nalaman na may ganun pala. Kahit na na weweirdohan ako sa tanong hinanap ko pa rin, at nalaman ko na may koneksyon pala yun sa trends ng pag gamit ng mga salita. Ngayon alam ko na at pag nag susulat ako lagi kong iniisip ang relevance nun. Ay basta namimiss ko lang siguro talaga nanay ko at naiisip ko mga bagay bagay na mangyayari kung buhay pa sya. Naawa nga ako sa pamangkin ko kasi she will never be able to meet her grandmother, pati sister in law ko picture na lang ni Mommy ang inabot. Ano na lang pag ako ang nag-asawa at anak, hanggang kwento na lang ako. Ngayon pag may naiisip akong kabulastugan, naiisip ko na baka pagalitan ako ng nanay ko kaya hindi ko na ginagawa. Ngayon namromroblema ako kung paano magpapapansin sa crush ko, siguro kung buhay si Mommy meron syang sasabihin sa akin na ikatutuwa ko regarding the topic.

Hay nako, hanggang labas na lang ako ng sama ng loob. Sa mga taong sinusulatan ko pero ayaw magparamdam, I'm just crossing my fingers, malay mo may milagrong mangyari. At sa nanay ko, talagang ang dami nyang iniwan sa akin kahit na wala na sya at sana yung mga taong may mga nanay pa dyan lagi nilang pahalagahan ang bawat segundo na meron silang tatawaging Mommy, mama or nanay. Ako, ipagpapapalit ko lahat ng bagay na meron ako ngayon para lang bigyan ng kahit na isang pagkakataong mayakap ang nanay ko... hay naiiyak na naman ako....

Getting what we want or risking it

Exchanging text messages earlier with a friend, I had this thought of putting into words what is it that I am doing right now with my so called lovelife. And that will be my topic for this blog entry.

I really think that the world we are living now is full of so much pretensions that instead of just being who we are, we adjust to this pretensions so that we can gain people who will be with us. That was also how I was when people always commented that I was just noisy. The thing is, I never gain a good first impression to people that I meet. It is always two things it's either I am shallow or I am simply proud. That is what I get for trying to be myself, opinionated and admissibly noisy. In my younger years, I hated it when people think that way about me. I have always known myself as someone, and if I may say, hindi po ako masamang tao. Even if people will most of the time immediately notice how noisy I can get, I still mantain that I am not somebody who speaks about useless things or just being boastful. I have so much to say because with my kind of personality I just have so much things going through my head that I can not help but blurt it out. I mantain that if one will just listen to what I say, nothing purely rubbish comes out of my mouth.

So the friend asks me, did I ever ask this girl what she thinks about me. That led me to think that I just might be afraid of what answer she'll give. But I remembered, sometime ago I confronted that issue even before I made up my mind over this. I hate it when people do not go beyond what their first impression on me is and conclude that I am just someone not worth dealing with. Even if I want to gain friends, I want these friends to be my friends because they know the real Alex and not some cadet from the Philippine Military Academy who takes advantage of the prestige and status that PMA has built up. When I was confronted by the reality that I am becoming fond of this girl, I took a risk that I never took before.

Most people see courtship as impressing another, putting forward his best asset. The lady feels good about this someone who is just so impressive and she gives in. After that, she realizes that the man is some psychopath who does not care about her and she lives a nightmare. It is easy to "bolahize" people but it will be hard to be accepted as the true person that you are. I am taking the risk of exposing all my weaknesses, showing the real me and somehow make her understand that this is me: the person. In the letters that I send every week, I usually talk about the things that have happened in my life, especially the sad ones and tell her how I felt about these things. I tell her how these things changed my life and the lessons that I learned. I try my best not to impress her with things that are easy to compose but just depend on the sincerity of the things that I have to say and feel. So I was asked by my textmate, "Paano yan wala na syang itatanong sa'yo kasi sinabi mo na lahat?" I was not able to answer back but upon contemplating I understood that one lifetime is not really enough to know a person but what is important is we get to be known based on the things that are true rather than an image that we create. One time, she texted me about my being "makulit" further saying that she is already used to it. Now I realize that she may not really like everything that is about me. But the bottom line is my heart is pure and that I am a true person. If in the end she is able to appreciate it then that's a reward for the risk I took. If she does not, at least I am sincere and be myself.

Sometimes the greatest challenge we hurdle as a person is just getting what we want or risk it believing in the fairness of life. I am choosing the latter. I am choosing to believe that I will sow what I reap and my heart tells me that she is worth the risk. When all is said and done, no matter how it will end, I am choosing to believe that I will get what I deserve. I am crossing my fingers everytime I write my letters at the same time I am believing that God is good all the time.

Some blog I read

I was browsing through different blogs when I chanced upon this blog. I thought it was funny how she is fascinated about what to do on her ex's birthday even decidin to send him a text message while I wonder what kind of text message I send this girl for her to at least reply. I think our concerns are both extremes. I guess I would be happy if some ex will send me some greeting on my birthday even if it is the simplest birthday greeting. As she said, coz once upon a time, we were in love. But now, with my predicament, I often wonder what is this that I am feeling right now. I guess each has their own struggle and each wonder how to deal with it. In the end there is really no point at cracking our heads in finding the best thing to do at everything that we feel even if it is about our exes or people that we care for. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to simply allow ourselves into the situation so that we can feel it and then we can decide better. In the end, however it turned out, we will still be getting what we deserve.

I'm feeling bad or good or whatever

I do not know how I am feeling right now. Its not that I am so ambitious about the things that will happen to my life, but there are just things that I really want to have. I just learned from an upperclass that I failed to make it in the selection process of some congress that I was recommended on. I do not know how they select it but I have been dreaming about this conference ever since I learned about it. When I was a fourthclass cadet, I was in awe seeing second class cadets going to this congress and from there I started to dream. In my yearling year, one participant even asked me to write his write-up for that congress so that he will be selected, and he did. Now its my turn and I will not get the chance to write something for me to be allowed to join that congress. I am not being conceited, I know that there are so many of my classmates who are very qualified to join that conference, but I really feel I should be chosen. Well who cares what I feel, its their decision anyway. This led me to question how this selection process works. For one, last year's top seeded candidates from the Academy's selection process were sacked of their chance when they finally faced the selection process for the congress itself. I can just conclude that the selection process here and the selection of the actual congress is not a match. Well you draw your conclusion I am really just pouring out my feelings over this upset. I do not know, I think I am praying for some miracle, maybe for something. At the end of it all I will just have to accept my fate and understand that life is not always how we want it, we lose some, win some but always we have to learn from every experience. I think I'm just feeling bad because I'm missing an opportunity that will never be offered to me again. Even if I will end up to become some great general in the future I will always remember this instance when I was just not good enough and it feels so bad. I do not want to dwell on this anymore.

I have finished writing my feature article for Project ISLAM. I wrote about this project a couple of weeks back in this blog but decided to write a full story of this project because I was really amazed with it. When I first heard about it in chuch I almost wanted to cry hearing how moving loving our brother muslims can be. It is a story of how love can conquer all even the greatest conflict known to the history of mankind. I felt that the least I can do is to tell the whole world of this project so that it can gain more and more support. I do not want to spoil what I wrote for the Corps Magazine but I will try my best to write something about this project so that I can declare its message even to those who will never have the opportunity to read our magazine. Just wait for it.

I realized that I haven't read a book for a while. The books that come my way these days are just not good and I haven't had the opportunity to go to a bookstore and by myself one. I am writing more these days, not writing about something but writing TO someone. Even if there are so many things that I feel bad about, especially about that congress at the beginning of this blog, it just makes me smile everything I think about this person that I am writing to every week. Last Friday, she finally answered some of my text messages and it was as if there was electricity flowing through my veins. I was just so happy even if she simply answered some question and that our exchange just had a sudden death. Nevertheless, I still cherish that night. She just made me so happy without her doing anything... Well, at least I am feeling this emotions even if I am not going to that congress... here I go again. I guess I just had to go now...

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Random Blog

I am apprehensive to write this post. I just feel that if I write very often some people may not be able to read the other posts and to think this is just some random update that I wish to do since I really do not have something to write in my mind. I just came from a major exam and I felt this could be a good way to unwind.

This morning I was shocked when my squadmate (a plebe) suddenly turned white while we were having mess. I gave him something "hot" as a punishment for not complying an order a gave him yesterday. Apparently he was not someone who is able to tolerate the "hotness" of the stuff I gave him and he just became pale. He started to slouch complaining that his stomach was painful. I tried coercing him until finally I threatened him of giving him another set of that "hot" stuff I gave him earlier and finally he corrected his posture. I do not wish to grosse out people of the reality of what we do here. I just wanted to give the impression of how things are done here. It may not be something that people will agree on but it is the system that we do. After that, I brought them somewhere and gave my speech on what is it that I wanted to to do. I expressed how I feel bad about the fact that they do not trust that I am doing the right thing in training them. I told them that my job is not to please them but to bring out the traits necessary for an effective and professional soldier. I was very emotional while talking to them because I really wanted them to understand why some things had to be done. I wanted to show that despite of how uncomfortable the way things are, it is part of training and unless they understand that they will not become the soldiers that we wish them to become. I again asked them to trust that I am doing what it is that I have to do. As I walked back to my barracks, I was just hoping that they understood what I meant. When we take our lunch this afternoon, I will continue to scrutinize what they do and continue to hope.

Last night, I had a nice time exchanging text messages with a good friend who was a wife of an upperclass. My fondness to that exchange was brought about by my interest to validate some of the theories I have about my so called lovelife (entry just before this one). I did have so many insights/ For her, I think she was just reminiscent of her own love story and how she ended up being married to someone of my own kind. I guess we do have something in common and I could sense her fascination to the replies I have on her inquiries. I think we will be having more of that exchange in the days to come.

My life is normal spiced up with wonderful things that are slowly revealing itself as I go on. I like the way things are going on, so many plans are on my mind and I continue to blog about all of it. I guess that is the beauty of this blog, we just do not know what comes next...

My so-called Lovelife

<-- Ito ang aking pet sa barracks... har har

There are many things that I feel right now but I find it hard to express. I really want to say it but I'm just confused. But I'm always like this and the more and play with the keyboard and just be spontaneous something of sense will come out.

As I was reviewing for a major exam last night, I had the chance of having some little text chat with a friend from far away. It wasn't exactly the chat that I always do as most of my friends have given up asking me how I am because I also have become board giving them good answers. It has been like that for the past month, even the one friend who continues to send me letters through the postal service has ran out of things to say because she now has her boylet to say those things to. My classmates, especially my room mates, are not exactly the type of people that would be interested to listen to my rantings as the do not exactly know my soft side. So, I was left with this one person who could at least enlighten me with the things that have been bothering my mind.

My so called lovelife as I keep on babbling about in this blog is limited to a letter a week and some text message once in two months. Over the months, I have somewhat became comfortable with that and did not really mind much. In the earlier part I was a bit restless, apprehensive and even fearsome because I was just revealing myself to someone that I do not even know who wants to be told with those nonesense. There are times that I would spend most of the night just wondering about the things that I do not know. But I continue to write believing that what we reap is what we sow. I gain confidence in my optimistic view on things and on the premiss that my intentions are pure and sincere. In the days that I had to give up some luxuries when I went to Leadership Development Course, I tried my best to find time to write, some of which were written on dirty pieces of paper that was an evident on the kind of life I was subjected to in that training. In the nights that I write those letters, my classmate would make fun at me saying that I was just plain stupid. But I went on, asking other people to mail the letters for me (which they did not do) even saving the little money that I have so that I can mail my letters when time permits. But eventhough the possibility of going to the post office was very slim, I continued to write because I wanted to capture the exact emotion I had and how I have been longing for something... maybe how I have been longing for her. Even as I moved on to become squad leader to the new plebes who were at summer camp then, I squeezed in letter writing even if the training directorate required so much time for the squad leaders that it was really very exhausting. I survived all that and began a new academic term where I have more time to write. I guess the point I am driving at is that despite of the things that I encountered trying to make my letters and the disappointment of not having to receive anything as a feedback, I have come to love it. Not because I am some self centered person who enjoys narrating stories about himself but because it's as if I am sharing my life with someone. Somehow, there is this hope that a time will come that she will also share hers with mine. I realized that in my situation thats the least that I can do to at least put emphasis the point that something in me was changed because of the way she touched my life.

My rantings are useless to most people as I have heard many who just told me as plainly stupid but what the heck. I don't think believing in something that is good in the purest intentions is being stupid even if it takes a long long time to be realized. I am choosing to believe that at the end of it all it is not how people think of me, it is on how true I was to myself and to the feelings that I have for someone who just made my life a little better. Although I do not necessarily feel good about my state, I am contented with my life and I know that whatever it is that comes out of this, it will only be for the better... But I really really hope she snaps out of it....

A tribute to my Daddy

I have a hard time typing this entry, I must have punched so hard during my boxing class this afternoon that I can not move three fingers on my left hand. But I have to write this entry because this is for my Daddy who will be celebrating his birthday tommorrow. I intend to write a tribute for my father who has made a tremendous impact on my life.

I was what they call a father's boy. My mother told me that when she was pregnant with me it was my father that she always wanted to see. Although science can not reallty prove the connection, but as a little boy I always wanted to see him. There was even a time when I got sick if I do not see my father for a very long time. I would do my best to always be with my daddy even squeeze into little spaces so that I can be beside him ALWAYS. So it was not a surprise that I was the most devastated when he separated with my mother and that I learned that he was raising another family aside from us. From that point on, I resented him and did everything I could to do some sort of vengeful act against him. I bad mouthed him, insulted my half siblings, even wishing that he'd die. When my mother left for the States to work, I resented him more thinking that if only he was a good father, my mother wouldn't have to leave us. I did silly things because of this hatred and continued to plot against him. When my mother died of cancer, I hated him more and asked God why is it that it was my mother who died when my father was the bad one. All these things led to other events in my life that pushed me away and away from my father. But deep inside, I was simply trying to get the attention of my father, I simply wanted to be Daddy's boy.

Then I became a Christian and realized that one can not live a Christian life with hatred dwelling in one's heart. With constant prayer, I began to open up and really tried my best to start forgiving my father. It wasn't easy for everytime I feel good about him, the memories of my late mother came surging into my system and again I blame him for my loss. I knew he was trying to reach out, wanting to be forgiven but there are just so many issues, so many bad feelings that can not simply be ignored. I continued and prayed some more. Just it was God's grace that gave me the will to start forgiving my father, it was also through his miracle that I began to put sense in the so many things that happened to my life which led to the breakthrough of this struggle. One time, I was looking at old things from his cabinet when I found his planner back in 1977. He was still a cadet then and he was my mother's boyfriend. I learned that I was really very much like my father. He kept little notes about the things that happened and like me he was very honest on this notes. Chronicled in that planner was a portion of his love affair with my mother and his feelings. It was through those notes that I finally surrendered all the hatred I had for him. I understood that all the hatred that I harbored was not exactly because of him, it was because I felt unloved and unwanted when he separated with my mother when I was supposed to be Daddy's boy. I thought that he never loved my mother and because of that I was just someone born out of "libog." The things that he did began to make sense. I understood how sorry he was and that he loved me even when I thought he didn't, even when I considered him my enemy.

My father is a living example of how it is to be human. To accept that one commits mistake, takes responsibility for it and redeems himself. To be human is to rectify one's mistake and learn from it. He is an example of a loving father who never ceased to love his children even amidst the most difficult circumstances. He is the perfect example of redemption. He is the manifestation that love really never fails.

In a person's life, we do not always have the best circumstances. There will be so many instances where we have to deal with things that are bad. The challenge of living is to live it to the fullest despite these circumstances and always come out a better person.

To my father, I would like him to know that he is forgiven and that if ever given the chance to live again I would still choose him as my father. I am happier, more loving to people, more patient, more forgiving and above all more amazed of God's power because of him and for that I wouldn't exchange him for anything else in the world.

I LOVE YOU DADDY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I sincerely love all muslims

Except for those that I am really close with, not many people know that I love going to church. I became a Christian after I was discharged from the Academy and everyday that I stay here as a is a blessing to me. Every now and then I get to learn things that touch me in a very special way. The little sharing this morning was one of it.

Our guest was a new officer assigned here with us who just came from Lanao. He is founder of a foundation called Project ISLAM (for I sincerely love all muslims). He shared with us a video documentary of this project and how it has affected lives of our muslim brothers. And I was very touched that I wanted to be assigned in Mindanao immediately after graduation to help in that project.

The Project was a brain child of a Christian Pastor by the name of Florentino de Jesus who was deeply concerned with our muslim insurgency. He advocated that the only way to solve this problem is for the Christians to show genuine love to our muslim brothers. He spent 40 years trying to make something out of this vision but it just wasn't time. But this did not mean that his prayers were not heard by God. It was because of his dedication to this vision that one military officer by the name of Col Macaranas was convicted to commit to this cause. And so he did.

In 2000, when the government declared an all out war against the MILF rebels, many muslim communities became helpless victims to the ravages of war. Many of them were displaced and some even lost their lives. Their livelihood was destroyed and they were further shoved deep into poverty. This is where God started to work through Project Islam. In an onbscure town called Debalayan in Lanao Del Norte (or Sur, i'm not sure anymore) a group of soldiers started to rebuild what was destroyed by the war. They rebuilt houses for the muslims, gave clothes and fed them. This was something that the muslims of that community did not really receive so well for they were suspiscious that the Christians just wanted to convert them. The breakthrough came when they built a mosque for the people in that community. As the documentary would put it, it was perhaps the first mosque built by Christians. After this the muslims began to open up and all the suspiscion were lost. Now the Debalayan town is back on its feet but this time has felt the love of Christians. They have come to understand that although they differ in religion, they in fact worship one true God (it will take a lot of time to explain why is this so, maybe next time). Project Islam continues to support the community by sending some of its children to schools so that they can lead their community into further improving their lives.

The message of that project was very simple, that love begets love. War can not be solved by waging war but through its antidote, loving one another. If war is a solution then we certainly could have ended this problem. The example of Project Islam is an illustration of the power of God's love that just changes the heart of people, conquering religious barriers and making this world a better place.

As I said, I was touched by that project and I am thinking of interviewing that officer so that I can write something up for the Corps Magazine to spread the message of Project Islam further. But the message is clear love begets Love

Romance or "romance"

A couple of years back, I received a phone call from a lady friend. She was crying from the other line and she told me about her recent heartbreak. I think she was just so heartbroken with noone to talk to that she called me. I once courted this girl but not really agressively, she knows that I like her, we enjoyed each other's company but I wasn't just that interested. We were good friends. We talked for almost 30 minutes and after saying our goodbyes the call ended. We never mendtioned that convesation to each other everytime we see each other after that. It was as if it did not happen. And then we lost track of each other lived different lives and then I find myself here in PMA. One time as I was browsing through Friendster, I saw her sister's account. I felt that it was some twist of fate so I sent her sister a message asking for her number. A few weeks after I had her number sent her a short text message and then we were asking what happened to each other after seeing Claudine Barreto's Kailangan Kita (that was the last time we were together). I learned that she already graduated from college. She is about to be married in a year's time and is doing very well professionally. I wanted to see her when I go to Manila she seems not interested. So we became text friends, sending each other text messages every now and then. Because I wanted to see her, I always tell her when I will be in Manila. Then one time, while I was in Manila she called me up. She was again asking me another love question. She met the man who broke her heart (the one in that frantic phone call) and that he was courting him again. I was surprised that he was asking me because first I do not know anything about her life now especially the circumstances with her fiance but also why was I the one she asked. I later realized that she was already decided to leave her fiance and go to the other man (that broke her heart). I realized then that this girl is still living in a fairy tale. I later understood that the reason why we never became a couple was because she lived in a fairy tale and in that tale I was just the confidant. That boy(the one that broke her heart) was her prince charming and that was the reason why she was ready to leave her fiance almost immediately. She had to complete the tale so she has to tell her confidant(that was me). It's weird to think there was I time I felt so madly in love with this girl and that she graduated from the country's state university with high distinctions. I reprimanded her in the phone for that. We ended up having some kind of a fight that up to now she never sent me any text message. I do not know if she did leave her fiance and went to the boy who broke her heart. I guess she is just stupid (more stupid because she did not have me. I realized that romance can sometimes put us out of reality, cause us to become stupid.

I tell this story because I wonder if I am being stupid with what I am doing right now. Last night I received a text message from an older friend who knew my recent crush. She was the teacher of this girl that I had been sending a letter every week since January of this year. Upon her insistent inquiry, I admitted my great admiration to her student and told me things that somehow made me feel a little better with what is happening with my so called Love life. Every now and then, I look at the pictures of this girl and wonder if the juice is really worth the squeeze. Mind you it's not easy being me. Not that I am so proud of my "love" affairs but as a cadet I have discouraged so many of my admirers, really I have a few as I said I am a cadet. Nothing much is happening except that every sunday evening I contemplate hard on what to write to that lovely girl far far away that has swept me off my feet. When she sent me a text message last night I was the happiest person to think there wasn't even anything to be happy about with what she told me. When I learned from her posts in friendster that she was reading the book I gave her (and loving it) my heart leapt. I do not wish to answer whether I am being stupid with what I am doing. Honestly, I know that the reason why I do what I do is because to a certain extent I am still clinging on to that little hope that somehow my efforts will not be in vain.

In my last letter to her I said "...I told you before that I will only stop writing this letters once you tell me to stop. Somehow, I'm wishing that you'll never tell me to stop hoping that in the end something good will come out of whatever it is that I am doing. So I countinue to write... write... and write some more." Well that's it and I pray hard to God everyday for that something good.

Totoo

Mahirap talaga magsulat ng mga bagay na gusto mong ilabas pero ayaw mo talagang sabihin lahat kasi nakakahiya. Isipin mo, hindi naman lahat ng bagay na ginagawa natin eh proud tayo. Marami tayong "dark little secrets" na kahit pa gusto nating maging totoo ay hindi talaga pepwede. Kagaya ko, lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na gusto kong makilala ng mga tao kung sino talaga ako. Kaya sa blog na ito pilit akong nagpapakatotoo, sinasabi lahat ng bagay na maisipan. Pero pag talagang babasahin mo lahat ng aking sinusulat marami akong detalye na iniiwan kasi yung iba nakakahiya ng ipamalita sa madla, ano na lang ang sasabihin ko kung minsan may lumapit sa akin at ipaalala ang isang kahihiyan na binunyag ko dito. Sa totoo naman kasi lahat tayo gusto mag-iwan ng mga bagay bagay na tanging tayo lang o yung talagang malalapit lamang na kaibigan ang mga nakakaalam. O minsan naman naglalabas ako ng sama ng loob sa crush ko na puro dedma lang ang inabot ko, syempre hindi ko ibibigay todo ang pagsulat ng lahat ng sama ng loob ko mabasa pa lang nya eh di patay ako. Kagaya ngayon mneron akong gustong sabihin pero hindi ko talaga maisip kung paano kasi alam ko pag sinulat ko dito wala ng bawian, bahala na ang mga tao na mag-isip kung ano yun. Basta ganun.

Ganyan ganyan ang nangyari sa isa kong post. Biglang nagtext sa akin ang isa kong masugid na taga subaybay (naks) tungkol sa sinulat ko, sabi nya pa alam nya na raw. Ang ending kwinento ko na lang sa kanya ano talaga yun, so ngayon pag nangungulit ako sa kanya inaasar nya ako... buti na lang berks kami kaya hindi na rin masyadong nakakahiya. Ang problema ko lang eh yung mga hindi ko berks. Yung mga taong hindi naman ako kayang itext para magreact at sila sila na lang ang nag-uusap kung ano nga ba talaga ang ibig kong sabihin sa mga sinulat ko. Paano kung yung nakabasa eh yung upperclass ko o underclass ko o hindi ba tactical officer ko. Malay natin kaya pala kada makikita nila ako eh nakangiti na sila kasi kung ano ano na iniisip nila tungkol sa akin. Pero gaya nga ng lagi kong sinasabi pag hindi ko na talaga alam kung ano gagawin "walang pakialamanan." Gaya nito alam nyo ba na dalawang beses pa lang akong sumulat sa blog na ito ng talagang gamit ko lang ay ang salitang ugat eh mga limang taon na rin akong nag lalabas ng kung ano ano dito sa internet.. as in dalawa lang talaga... basta ganun walang pakialamanan kasi kahit ano pa talaga ang sabihin ko dito wala naman silang magagawa atsaka hindi ko naman responsbilidad na i-explain ang sarili ko sa ibang tao, basta ito ako, ito na yung pinaka totoo na pwede.

Comments and Critiques

I posted some articles that were ignored by my editor for publication in an online forum. Primarily, I wanted to know why it wasn't published so I was prepared to hear the nastiest criticism to these articles. The criticism were mostly about style, organization of ideas and the choice of words. I assumed I was not affected but somehow I know I am, so I decided to lead those critiques to this blog for them to see the things that I write, maybe they too have comments... well I will just have to wait maybe something good will come out of this... hehehe

New struggle

About a year ago, as new thirdclass cadet, I wrote in this Blog about my frustration over my deficiency in calculus. If you backtrack my entries in April 2005 almost all my blogs were about calculus. It was really hard then and I was afrain that I just might not make it. But of course, as fate would have it, I passed the subject went on break and had fun in San Carlos while about seventy percent of my class were left here to take the removals for the subject. At the end of it all thirty of my classmates had to go, most of them are now my underclassmen. That was my struggle last year, I had to learn study habits and luckily I was able to cope up, I did not take any removal exam and I went on all breaks that were offered to us.

This time though, my struggle is with my plebes. As a second class cadet my primary duty is being a squad leader. In layman's term I am the one responsible to the training of all underclass cadets especially those under my squad. The firstclassmen do the "executive" decisions while we concentrate on the most basic unit -- the squad. In the most recent Corps Magazine, I wrote about how humbling and very moving being a squad leader is. I was happy with the thought that I am able to influence people. I had fun molding young plebes who like me also have their own dreams in going to PMA. But as in all of the things we do it is not a bed of roses and this evening was just so bad I almost maltreated the two plebes under my watch. I guess I do not need to explain the circumstances as most people really do not know how things are here but coming to think of it, I realized that maybe this is my struggle for this year. I have come to the conclusion that my lesson is to learn leadership.

When one is faced with a task and the rest of the people around you is watching how you do it, you find yourself wondering if you are really doing the right thing. I wonder whether I am doing enough; whether I am being able to make a positive impact on my plebes; above all I wonder if I am really doing my job. With all the concepts about leadership that we have been taught, now is my time to collate all of this and apply it. Its a wonder how one time you feel so happy with what you are doing and then suddenly you are frustrated. The job is actually one roller coaster ride where you do not really know what to expect all you can do is hope that all will be well. But just like my Calculus experience I know it will be well.

So I go on, hoping and hoping that history will judge me fairly. I am hoping that at the end of this all, i can write another entry in this blog and say that it was all a test and I passed it with flying colors.

Reasons to 'DIS'-obey

This afternoon, as me and my room mates are preparing our uniforms for noon mess formation we came into this argument about regulations and helping others to survive. Our debate came after one said that by reporting other cadets when one is a posted guard we are in fact endangering their status as cadets. I reacted saying asserting that the purpose of the regulation is for it to be followed, if we think that way then we might as well discard the regulations. I further said that cadetship is not about survival but about becoming better people fit to become leaders of the country's armed forces and perhaps the country.

Well that was our heated argument and it made me a little violent finally I began to think about things. With all the so many changes that are being implemented to the Corps right now, I wonder if I can still cope up or say that there is in fact a reason to obey. Last weekend, it took me several hours before I can finally go on privilege because of this new rule that we have to pass this examination. This is a 30 item, true or false examination about the Graybook(this is what we call our rule book). The thing with this exam is that getting a perfect score is the only way to pass-- meaning we have to know the regulation to the letter. I am not really a person who complains to much about the things that are subjected to me as a cadet. Although I have my opinions, I have long ago surrendered my right to question. And then there is this prohibition of doing roadruns during our open time in the morning despite of the requirement that we run at lest two kilometer a week. The new order states that I only run before or after my PE class, which by the way is boxing. Meaning, after battling it out with the punching bag or sparring with a classmate in a 3 round boxing match, I will still have to reserve enough strength so that I can comply with the running requirement. That means that during my open time I will just stare at nothingness maybe sleep and cross my fingers as I hope that I will still be able to run the distance within the required time period. Are we taught to obey or are we given reasons to disobey?

As I said, I have accepted that my right to question is no longer mine, but there was never a time that I surrendered the right to have opinions. I know I will still follow, although I will have to spend more time MEMORIZING the Graybook so that I can go on privilege on a weekend or even if I will have to endure more fatigue finishing my required roadruns. But I will do that because I want to graduate, they can do anything but they can not stop me from graduating. The bottom line here is I am beginning to see these changes as reasons for me to disobey-- to ignore my pledge of loyalty and hate my superiors for being so inconsiderate simply because I agreed to a creed of military professionalism. I really hope they read this and that they reprimand me for voicing this out in my blog because even if I declare this things in world wide web for the rest of the world to see, they will see the obedience I exhibited unblemished. At the end of the day I am a soldier and I will follow orders. Not because I agree to these orders but because I have embraced this path. I believe that the moment I disobey I am not credible to complain, so I give it to them. But nothing can stop me from feeling bad about all that they are doing, about their "bright" ideas, about their insensitivity to the sentiments of the cadets, and about their irresponsibility as my superiors.

My frustrations... Again

I was browsing through the blogs of my friends when I realized how fun their life is. I mean Hannah talks about her showbiz career(kuno) and Jhett talks about her New York experience. Me on the other hand talks about my frustrations about my boring life as a cadet of the Philippine Military Academy. Well to a certain extent it is not really frustrations for I am definitely not frustrated with my being a cadet I just realized that my blog mostly contains the desires that I have, things that I can not do because I am stuck here and so much is expected of me. It kind of makes me feel bad about the adventures that I could have experienced if only I wasn't here. Thinking about it, I'm sure I'll still have a good life find some decent job and perhaps even have a love life of some sort. Here's the situation, my social is mostly limited to people I call "mistah" or "bok," there are others who I have to greet good morning or good afternoon everytime I meet them anywhere because it really is a minus to their humanity if some underclass ignore their being my senior. And then there are the plebes who continue to test my patience with every laxity they commit may it be in their uniforms or the compliances I order them to do. The yearlings (second year cadets) can be fun as they try to smile even if I know they are annoyed by my constant "pangungulit" simply because they can not do anything about it. On the other hand, my love life is comprised of letters that I write every week to some girl that I met in one of the conferences I attended last year, the life there is that I am just constantly hoping that she writes me back or at least send me a text message. My family who also live different lives text me every now and then about the fun that I am missing because I am here. Day in and day out, I am just wishing that something better will happen. I am wishing that the "routineness" of my life will just change and some excitement will happen. Of course, there are other people who try to cheer me up but after that I only end up wanting to be with them, missing them more and again wishing I was free.

But then there are other things that I can do. I remember our lesson in Ethics this morning about free will. My classmate said that as cadets we do not have free will because we are not able to choose the things that we want to do. Our lives are guided by a set of rules that govern us in exchange to our scholarship and all other perks of being PMA cadets. My professor (who is a Doctor of Philosophy, by the way) said that we actually have a choice only that we are not prepared to face the consequences so we do what we are supposed to. So I began thinking, he was right. I mean I do have a choice in all this. I can just decide right now to leave this place go home and just live a normal life. But that is not who I am. I mean the life that I live now is a result of the many choices I made. It was my choice to insist on going back to PMA. That choice has brought me to this very place where I feel the things that I have written about in my blog. Just like Jhett and Hannah, their lives are a result of the choices that they made. I remember Hannah saying that she once wished she had a career in creative media. I guess all of us do have our frustrations in the life we live. I bet even the richest man in the world can be frustrated over the fact that he just have so much money while we wonder why is that. In the same way, people who dream of going to PMA and be cadets may also wonder why I even think of leaving. The truth is the world we are living is not perfect. The life that we live is only as good as how we want it to be. Each of may sometimes feel bad over the things that we do. I feel bad why Hannah can go to Glorietta everytime she wants while it requires three days for me to even be allowed to go to SM Baguio and watch Superman. Well, this is life. As Desiderata would put it "... with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world; Be careful strive to be happy"

Well happiness is something we strive for. Some people are lucky because they do not need to try hard enough but at the end of everything we determine our happiness. Well I hope people will try to make me happy so that I wouldn't have to try hard enough....

The Gift

I was greeted this morning by a text message from one of my "fans" she complimented my write-ups in the recent Corps Magazine, and although compliments on my writing is not really new, I was flattered because she herself is a writer. But the best compliment I received in writing is a compliment from the judge in the Feature Writing Contest of this year's Regional Press Conference. He was so pleased with my piece that he had it published in the local newspaper here in Baguio after that competition. Some of the people I know saw that piece but due to the scarcity of that local newspaper inside in the Academy I can just wonder how it was presented. But nonetheless, somehow, that compliment allowed me to think of the things I like about writing, why it gives me so much joy and why I can keep on doing it even if nobody is really reading.

Take this blog. I have been blogging for like five years of my life. The two years has been archived in this site in The Pen section and the rest is in this site. Blogging first came when I began to be fascinated with creating websites. I did not know that I would learn to love writing but when I created my first website, I figured I had to put some content, so I invented some. I then asked people to come to the site but they did not comment much in how I made the website, they simply asked me to write some more. So I wrote until finally I have poured all of my feelings in that website and I enjoyed it. Noone can really blame me, I was always the honest type when it comes to my feelings and at that time I was just full of anxieties. I wanted to go back to PMA, I hated my father, I did not know what to do with my life... I did not have a clue and all those feelings only came out the moment I sit in front of the computer and let my fingers play with the keyboard. When my website became third in the Most Informative Blogsite of the Pinoy Bloggies in 2003, I realized that there was something in the things that I write and with more and more compliments from people who have read me, I understood that I had a gift.

So what then? Why would people care if I have some gift to put so much emotion in the way I arrange words to come up with something? For most of us, there comes a time where we come to the realization that we are endowed with a gift. Some people can open their mouths and make the most beautiful music, others can hold a pen a create wonders on canvass. As for me, although I often tell myself that I could be some great singer, or desperately try to make art out of colors, mine is with the pen and paper. In each of us, we have been showered with some gift. Some of us know it while others still have to find out. I believe that these gifts are manifestations that there is some purpose in our life. Being good at something must really have some reason. I do not know how to reconcile being a writer and a soldier, what I do know is that I will have to use my gift to do something worthwhile, something noble. In each of us is this rare gift that we should treasure and use to do something that does not only make us better people but also creates something that allows the world to feel the blessing that God has given us. All of us have this some kind of a light, the light in Art, to music and to others and it is a betrayal of that light not to allow it to shine and be seen by the rest of the world around us.

Now, as for me I will continue to write, just write to my heart's content and in my own little way I am able to share my gift and not betray it. I hope that each of us will find our gift and that we learn to use it the way it was intended to be.